Arcticjessy: Please help

[scallywag]

That's a very difficult decision to make, Arcticjessy. I hope the ECT goes well for you and that you get the results you are hoping for.

[Arcticjessy]

I wanted to write a update as I have been away for a long time. 

 

I restarted a antidepressant around 7 months ago, it was extremely difficult at first and I don't know how I managed to stick with it but I did, I seem to have stabilised and I'm feeling brighter. I do not feel I failed in anyway as I know I would have died had I carried on feeling like I did and I also know that what I was suffering from was severe withdrawal syndrome not depression. I still have tinnitus and a twitch in my face that seems to be permanent, I also feel very traumatised by experience and feel I have some kind of ptsd although that will never be diagnosed for obvious reasons. 

 

This is not overdramtic but I know there is a good chance that I may not survive another withdrawal and I'm still very unsure if to attempt to remain on this med forever or to tempt another withdrawal. 

 

I still believe that people can recover naturally but for me I genuinely believe that no matter how long I had waited that it would have happened for me. The damage the ct did was catastrophic and I really feel I have only bought myself time not solved anything but I'm happy to have some time to be really present with my child. Life really is for living not enduring. 

[bhasski]

Nice to hear that you feel better. Yes , lifes for living and WD takes that away.

I am also a CTed person .. still suffering while hoping that people here are true about its endings.

[Eleven10]

Bhasski. If your body has shown you any signs it is finding a balance then stick with it healing may well come very soon 

 

[Newbeginning]

Hi AJ,

 

I was happy to read you got some relief. What antidepressant did you try and did you start much lower dose than usual? How long did you siffer side effects before noticing improvement?

 

Its hard to tell if its an adverse reaction or side effects. When it's an adverse reaction, staying on the med even a month can be catastrophic. But then there are cases like yours where people get worse and then better. So hard to tell.

 

I cut 5% 7 months ago and I'm still struggling with anxiety and depression. I think I have developed a real depression on top of withdrawal depression, and 7 months of intensive therapy are not helping. So I'm tempted to try TMS or another non-serotonergic med. 

 

Please update us more if you see this. Hope this relief lasts forever for you and your child!

[Mort81]

Good for You Jess , I can only speak for myself but the goal once you are entrenched in this death grip,  is to find relief and get your quality of life back no matter what . Being dead is being dead . And you made the right decision for yourself.  Severe wd is not a life for anybody, it's Extreme torture and as you know having your experience denied by butcher doctors makes it 100x harder. It's our journey through the system that can really push someone over the edge , as we now know . Very few educated doctors who arent brainwashed . 

 

Live your life,  be smart about drugs . Teach your son , and know that he will never get caught up on these awful drug's cause you went through it. 

[Arcticjessy]

Thank you so much for your support. 

Fingers crossed things are doing ok but psychologicaly im still suffering, I feel traumatised by what's happened and how desperately unwell Iv been and knowing that may come back in the future is horrific. I keep reminding myself to live in the moment and enjoy every second. We are planning a little trip away which will be the first one in years

[Martina23]

On 30.6.2017 at 7:07 PM, Arcticjessy said:

I wanted to write a update as I have been away for a long time. 

 

I restarted a antidepressant around 7 months ago, it was extremely difficult at first and I don't know how I managed to stick with it but I did, I seem to have stabilised and I'm feeling brighter. I do not feel I failed in anyway as I know I would have died had I carried on feeling like I did and I also know that what I was suffering from was severe withdrawal syndrome not depression. I still have tinnitus and a twitch in my face that seems to be permanent, I also feel very traumatised by experience and feel I have some kind of ptsd although that will never be diagnosed for obvious reasons. 

 

This is not overdramtic but I know there is a good chance that I may not survive another withdrawal and I'm still very unsure if to attempt to remain on this med forever or to tempt another withdrawal. 

 

I still believe that people can recover naturally but for me I genuinely believe that no matter how long I had waited that it would have happened for me. The damage the ct did was catastrophic and I really feel I have only bought myself time not solved anything but I'm happy to have some time to be really present with my child. Life really is for living not enduring. 

Arcticjessy, I think you did the right thing. If you felt that living without drugs is only enduring and not living, then you did the right choice. You wanted to enjoy your life. I felt much worse on the drugs, it was totally opposite, on the drugs I was enduring and now I am living. It is not for everyone to live drug free, or maybe not for everytime, for every situation. You can still change your opinion and once when you feel like this, to stop taking them.

[Arcticjessy]

Thanks martina and I'm happy you are doing well drug free. 

 

Its definetly not an opinion I have that I could not live drug free, it was quite purely a physical chemical thing, my brain could simply not function without the drug without disabling symptoms that after years did not resolve.  I think for many living drug free is not a choice or state of mind but dictated solely by the individual brains ability to regenerate and heal, for some as you have gladly experienced this can happen albeit after some time and pain, but for  whatever reason probably genetic some of us cannot achieve that state of wellness 

I have never believed the chemical imbalance rubbish, but I have to admit that I never really got real pleasure or a sense of wellness until I began ADs all those years ago and I never had side effects, my brain seemed to adapt to the drugs presence quickly and happily which unfortunately I believe is why I suffered such a torturous and ongoing withdrawal. 

 

I would love to be drug free one day but if that doesn't happen I won't feel bad about it. I feel lucky to have survived and it may only be round 2 to me but at least I'm getting my strength back for the next  round if it happens 

 

Ps I remember reading some of your posts quite a long time ago, I know you were in a dark place and it genuinely makes me smile to know you are doing better 

[Mort81]

I know what you mean Jessy.  It's a chemical depending kinda thing. Most people are essentially addicted due to the severity of the wd . But many of them don't even know this and think the wd is them and underneath is a monster. 

 

I think you would have healed but how many people can give up 4-6 yrs of their life to heal from a severe wd.  It's just not realistic, especially when the suffering can be so bad . Although if a micro taper is doable for most and wd is greatly limited then that's a good option and attainable,  Which you could always do down the road with your knowledge now .   But seems like 99% of us come to this website after being irresponsibility tapered too fast and thus suffering through a hellish experience , and trying to rite the ship however we can . Truly unbelievable how this is aloud to happen.  Can't and I won't ever believe how crooked this world is .

 

But you made it out,  and that's all that matters,  as far as I know you could be fine for the rest of your life with the reinstatement , I'll admit I don't know much about RI . Seems to work for lots. 

 

[TryingToHoldOn]

I read your story.  How did you know that you weren't going to heal?  I'm still in the early stages - 4 months off meds after a very rapid taper and am feeling extremely desperate.

 

Do you feel as though you regained your quality of life before you tapered off your original AD?

 

i keep hoping and praying that I will be fortunate to recover within 1-2 years.  I am also a mom and have a 5 yr old and 3 yr old.  It pains me that I am missing out on so much of their lives.  Before all this happened, I was very involved with the other parents and organizing play dates.  Now I can barely go run an errand without having a panic attack or breaking down.

 

Any advice or words of wisdom?

[Arcticjessy]

Hi.

i just felt it on my heart. 

I cant describe how physically and mentally unwell I was. It went on for years and gave no indication of getting better. I was very close to the edge. You are still in the very early stages I think it's too early to have any real indication of your bodies healing ability, I do very much believe that for many healing is possible.  

 

X

 

 

 

[Newbeginning]

ArcticJessy,

 

How much did you reinstate and what med? I'm considering taking an antidepressant myself. I was tapering very slow, but my body is no longer tolerating the taper. I have not been able to really taper in over a year. My last cut 7 months ago led to severe anxiety and depression that has not resolved. I've had suicidal feelings so often, I lost count. I can't keep going like this.

 

But I also know antidepressants have a high risk of getting me worse. Even a 5% updose makes my symptoms worse, so I assume I cant tolerate them. Was this your experience too?

 

SSRIs have also given me severe apathy (disabling) so tapering is necessary to regain my quality of life. I'm doomed if I taper and doomed if I stay on the meds. Why God?  

Glad you feel better. I know exactly what you felt. The depression from withdrawal is soul crashing. Worse than any depression I experienced before.

[Arcticjessy]

Newbeggining

i was stable when I decided to ct. I had no understanding of what I had been taking for so many years. I had no real issues on Prozac except for slight akathesia when I first started. 

 

I went from a marathon runner runner to completely disabled in a few months.  You are right the depression on withdrawal is evil, I can remember looking at buildings or bridges and thinking how on earth did they get built and how can I get up there. it was like I couldn't imagine feeling any other way than I was. I was desperate to end my pain but deep down I wanted to live. I had that depression almost everyday for years. Nobody should have to live like that 

 

when I made the decision it was either try something or have my child taken permanently from me. I initially tried mirtazapine at a very low dose I think it was 2mg. It was horrible I was awake all night with adrenaline rushes and I sobbed constantly for the next 24hrs. I then waited 7 days then tried prozep liquid at 1mg, initially I was no worse but when I got to 8 mg I had awful hyperalerting symptoms which I already had to start with so I had to go down. Looking back I think I panicked too soon and could have gone down to 5 and tried again. A month later I tired lofepramine again, I tried this a long long time ago but not with any patience. I started very low and worked up to 50 which took 8 weeks. I had terrible sweating and increased anxiety but stuck with it, at 75mg I felt some relief and the sun came out for the first time in 4 years. 

 

It won't work for everyone and I still have terrible tinnitus and muscle problems but iv got some relief. There is only so much pain we can endure before life becomes unliveable. For me I could cope with most physical pain and symptoms but the mind destroying depression the type that sucks out your sole  and replaces it with black tar is not for anyone to endure. 

 

 

[Arcticjessy]

I had to come off the lofepramine m. 

I had irregular heartbeat from the tricyclic.

im back where I started in hell. 

I had to CT it and I feel worse than ever. 

I'm so depressed I can't dress or wash or eat. 

I want to try something else but too scared

[Eleven10]

When did you stop the lofepramine ? 

[Arcticjessy]

4 weeks ago,

My Main symptoms are

crushing fatigue

feeling totally unbalanced when i walk

pain in my shoulders and a very stiff neck,

horrible anxiety. dont want to leave the house but very agitated cant settle so keep setting off down the road then having to come back after 100 yards

waking up at 4.30 anxiety building in my chest

constant tinnitus

does anyone think prozac may help in a low dose. 

Im so low feeling i have gone back to square one

[HopeforHealing]

Hi Arcticjessy, how have you been doing?  

[Arcticjessy]

Hi. Back on medication. Improving.thank you for asking 

[HopeforHealing]

Glad to hear you are doing better.  Which medication and dose are helping you?  Also, did you end up doing ECT?

[Guest Swiffy]

Hello @Arcticjessy

 

i found your post and i asked me if you took the same Medicamtentation like before or Something else?

 

Im suffering since a long time and decided to take medication again... But im afraid to take my "old" Medicamtentation prozac.

 

I would bei glad to hear from you...

 

Greetings from Germany