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apace41

apace41: Tapering Sertraline

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brassmonkey

I celebrated back on the 20th, but I like to acknowledge the celebrations of my friends because they're important to them.  This was just another Sunday for me.  Actually, being retired everyday is Saturday now.

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Rosetta

Happy Birthday and Passover, Andy!

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apace41
1 hour ago, Rosetta said:

Happy Birthday and Passover, Andy!


Thanks, Rosetta!

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Flowers

Belated birthday wishes Andy! Hope it was a good one.

 

Flowers xxx

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apace41
6 hours ago, Flowers said:

Belated birthday wishes Andy! Hope it was a good one.

 

Thanks for your kind thoughts, Flowers.

 

Hope you are well.

 

Best,

 

Andy

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Downbutnotout
On 4/1/2018 at 11:05 AM, apace41 said:

 

Thanks for the wishes, Frogie.  Since it is my birthday today (yes, quite fittingly, I'm an April Fool) I will take your happy wishes on that account.  Since I'm Jewish, however, I don't actually celebrate Easter, but I hope you are having a nice one.  It's our Passover so I will also take the wishes and apply them there.

 

 

Yes, I've been watching your posting.  I have seen you are not a happy camper right now.  I have also seen AliG putting in a lot of effort to try to help you rise above the negativity.  She's a good lady.

 

I hope her advice helps.

 

Best,

 

Andy

Happy birthday. And Happy Pesach 

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apace41
2 hours ago, Downbutnotout said:

Happy birthday. And Happy Pesach 

 

Thanks, DBNO.

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Athena

Happy belated birthday Andy. I hope you had fun and of course, a lot of good sleep lately ;)

 

Love,

Athena

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apace41

Thanks, Athena!

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Frogie

Hi Andy:

 

I read what you wrote on Brassmonkey's thread. I think you are awesome, going through WD and dealing with other people's problems.

 

I just wanted to say thank you for everything you do. :)

 

Take care,

Frogie xx

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apace41
44 minutes ago, Frogie said:

I just wanted to say thank you for everything you do. :)

 

Thanks, Frogie. That's very kind of you.

 

Best,

 

Andy

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Frogie

Hi Andy:

 

I hope you have a good weekend and get the sleep you need.

 

Take care,

Frogie xx

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apace41
4 minutes ago, Frogie said:

Hi Andy:

 

I hope you have a good weekend and get the sleep you need.

 

Take care,

Frogie xx

 

Thanks, Frogie.  I appreciate your thoughts.

 

Best,

 

Andy

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Frogie
1 minute ago, apace41 said:

 

Thanks, Frogie.  I appreciate your thoughts.

 

Best,

 

Andy

😴😴😴

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Frogie
On April 27, 2018 at 9:46 AM, apace41 said:

 

Thanks, Frogie.  I appreciate your thoughts.

 

Best,

 

Andy

Have a good weekend.

 

I can only hope I get through today lol... But one foot in front of the other.  :) 

 

Take care,

Frogie xx

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bromor

Hey there.  Wanted to check in with you.... I see I missed your birthday (by 6 weeks... I know...).  Hope you had a great day!

How are you sleeping? Still tapering? How is that going?

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apace41
1 hour ago, bromor said:

Hey there.  Wanted to check in with you.... I see I missed your birthday (by 6 weeks... I know...).  Hope you had a great day!

How are you sleeping? Still tapering? How is that going?

 

Thanks, B.  

 

I started to do an update this morning and then I got depressed so I didn't continue.

 

To be honest, I'm really not that great.  Until this week, sleep had been somewhat better but both Monday and last night were zero or virtually zero sleep nights so I'm back in the muck.

 

My dizziness has ramped up significantly and I am dealing with it most of the time.

 

Derealization varies but is still a major factor.  

 

Burning mouth has returned and is pretty much a daily companion.

 

Body pain, especially in the hips, is keeping me from doing most of the things I love like working out.  I looked into stem cell therapy as it has a degenerative component made worse by withdrawal I suspect.

 

Most significantly of late, however, is that my anxiety is off the charts high.  I think that all of the other symptoms (at least most of them) are derivative of the anxiety.  I am working on trying to use CBT with a therapist from Anxietycentre.com to help with the "non-withdrawal" aspects of the anxiety and she's great but I'm still anxious.  That's what is interfering with my sleep right now.  

 

So, for the past couple of months I've been on a hold at 12.0mg.  Down 88% from 100mg but still a long way to go.  If I would only start to see some improvement to encourage me it would all be a lot easier.  All I seem to see is a slow slipping away of the essence of me.  As you can tell, I'm pretty down in the dumps these days about the whole process.

 

I will say that, for the most part, my health anxiety is better than it was and I handle the ongoing body pain in the chest and back with less fear than I had a while back.  I also am starting to be more accepting that I am suffering from withdrawal and anxiety and that there is no "other cause" at play here.  I suppose that's a good step in the right direction.

 

Anyway, I don't want to whine the entire thread away but it's been very rough patch for the first 5 months of the year (really 18 months but this feels worse).

 

Thanks for asking and I'm sorry to be such a downer.

 

I remain thrilled for you!

 

Best,

 

Andy

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wantrelief

I am so sorry you've been going through such a bad time, Andy, and that anxiety has been plaguing you.  I don't think you are being a whiner or downer at all, just expressing what is real for you at the moment.  I totally get what you say when you describe seeing "a slow slipping away of the essence" of yourself  - it is difficult not to feel down about that. I am feeling the same so really understand.  That being said, it is a huge positive you've seen a change in health anxiety, it is encouraging to know this has improved and so it would make sense that the anxiety you are currently experiencing will also decrease in time. I just hope it is soon, you so deserve a break.  Thinking about you - WR.

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apace41

Thanks, WR.  So sweet of you.  Hope you feel better soon.

 

Best,

 

Andy

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Frogie
3 hours ago, apace41 said:

 

Thanks, B.  

 

I started to do an update this morning and then I got depressed so I didn't continue.

 

To be honest, I'm really not that great.  Until this week, sleep had been somewhat better but both Monday and last night were zero or virtually zero sleep nights so I'm back in the muck.

 

My dizziness has ramped up significantly and I am dealing with it most of the time.

 

Derealization varies but is still a major factor.  

 

Burning mouth has returned and is pretty much a daily companion.

 

Body pain, especially in the hips, is keeping me from doing most of the things I love like working out.  I looked into stem cell therapy as it has a degenerative component made worse by withdrawal I suspect.

 

Most significantly of late, however, is that my anxiety is off the charts high.  I think that all of the other symptoms (at least most of them) are derivative of the anxiety.  I am working on trying to use CBT with a therapist from Anxietycentre.com to help with the "non-withdrawal" aspects of the anxiety and she's great but I'm still anxious.  That's what is interfering with my sleep right now.  

 

So, for the past couple of months I've been on a hold at 12.0mg.  Down 88% from 100mg but still a long way to go.  If I would only start to see some improvement to encourage me it would all be a lot easier.  All I seem to see is a slow slipping away of the essence of me.  As you can tell, I'm pretty down in the dumps these days about the whole process.

 

I will say that, for the most part, my health anxiety is better than it was and I handle the ongoing body pain in the chest and back with less fear than I had a while back.  I also am starting to be more accepting that I am suffering from withdrawal and anxiety and that there is no "other cause" at play here.  I suppose that's a good step in the right direction.

 

Anyway, I don't want to whine the entire thread away but it's been very rough patch for the first 5 months of the year (really 18 months but this feels worse).

 

Thanks for asking and I'm sorry to be such a downer.

 

I remain thrilled for you!

 

Best,

 

Andy

Andy:

 

I'm sorry you are going through such a rough time.

 

I just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you.

 

Take care,

Frogie xx

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apace41
1 hour ago, Frogie said:

Andy:

 

I'm sorry you are going through such a rough time.

 

I just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you.

 

Take care,

Frogie xx

 

Thanks, Frogie.

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Shep
13 hours ago, apace41 said:

So, for the past couple of months I've been on a hold at 12.0mg.  Down 88% from 100mg but still a long way to go.  If I would only start to see some improvement to encourage me it would all be a lot easier.  All I seem to see is a slow slipping away of the essence of me.  As you can tell, I'm pretty down in the dumps these days about the whole process.

 

Hi, Andy. I'm sorry you are struggling so much now and I don't have any advice that would ease things, but perhaps a bit of a psychological lift here. You're not just down 88% from your AD, you are also 100% off the benzo. You really have come a long way, even though the road ahead is still steep and there's no end in sight yet. 

 

I'm sure that battle fatigue is also in play. Years of feeling sick take its toll. It also makes the anxiety worse, the waiting, the waiting . . . .

 

I've found the "slow slipping away of the essence of me" myself, even without much of a baseline to refer to. I think a part of this is a trick of the mind, an under-the-influence of withdrawal spell cast. Your essence is still there. You're exhausted, but you are still there. 

 

I think we get emptied out before we get filled up. That's what I've seen watching literally hundreds of people go through this and then reading the success stories here and over on other forums - it's so clear that the exit stage is so much more powerful then the entrance stage. I think the emptying out may be a key part of that process. But it's definitely not a stage of withdrawal where you should define yourself. It's a transitional stage. 

 

So please don't grasp an identity out of the "slipping away" propaganda of withdrawal. It's not true. You are still here. We all see that in the kind and helpful posts you've left for so many people here. I fear grasping an identity out of this kind of propaganda may lead to some learned helplessness, so try to look at those thoughts as uninvited guests and let them move on without engaging. 

 

You may be someone who simply doesn't catch a break until you are completely off the drugs and a number of weeks/months off. That may be your journey, but that's just a part of the journey, not the end result. Don't define yourself this way and make a withdrawal lie a prophesy. 

 

Hang in there. It will get better. 

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Junglechicken

Brilliant Shep, sound advice from one SA superstar to another.

 

Andy, we have your back, you WILL get through this, and we all know and live the excruciating mental battle we have: 

 

Coping with symptoms, HA and neuro-emotions.

 

As Shep says, this is a "blip" in your healing journey.

 

If anyone can make it to their healing "Shangri-la" you can.

 

Best,

JC

 

 

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apace41
7 minutes ago, Shep said:

perhaps a bit of a psychological lift here

 

Thanks very much, Shep.  Your words were very helpful.  No secret from my post that I'm a little bit down based on where I am right now.

 

I really do appreciate your thoughts.  It is my journey -- one I didn't really sign up for but one I have to make.

 

Best,

 

Andy

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apace41
Just now, Junglechicken said:

Andy, we have your back, you WILL get through this, and we all know and live the excruciating mental battle we have

 

Aw, thanks JC.  :blush:

 

Very sweet of you.  

 

1 minute ago, Junglechicken said:

If anyone can make it to their healing "Shangri-la" you can.

 

It's hard in the dark moments not to have doubts, but your words are very supportive.

 

Best,

 

Andy

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Survivor1

Hello Andy,

 

Just wanted to stop by with some support.  I see you are going through a tough time. I hope you are able to weather it and come out stronger in the end.  But I know, it sucks when you are in it.

 

Take care.

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apace41

Thanks, Survivor. Very kind of you.

 

I will adopt your screen name for the time being.

 

Best,

 

Andy

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Flowers

Hi Andy

 

So sorry things are not good. Insomnia and anxiety together is enough to make anyone crumble. 

 

I really hope things start to improve for you soon. You have done so well with your taper and  if you are dealing  better with your health anxiety then that is  a very big positive.

 

Love from Flowers xxx

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apace41

Thanks, Flowers.  

 

This is a long and exhausting battle.  As Shep eloquently stated, I'm suffering from severe "battle fatigue."

 

Hope you are well.

 

Best,

 

Andy

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bubble

Hello Andy! Long time no see (but I've been checking up on you).

 

Don't have much energy but wanted to commiserate since we are pretty much in the same boat. So Shep's post really hit home with me too. This is just taking so long with no end in sight. 

 

I see your old you clearly, no slipping :) Still trying to do something, anything, manage the situation. Maybe that's the lesson we need to learn? To let go. Maybe it won't be losing our essence but arriving at a new one. 

I'm actually not all that (or not at all) interested in getting stronger or improved through this process. I just want to go through my simple day without so much pain. But something obviously wants to see us improved :)

 

I don't have any solutions but hope reaching out will help a bit as it has to me. We will make it.

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apace41
Posted (edited)
4 minutes ago, bubble said:

I see your old you clearly, no slipping :) Still trying to do something, anything, manage the situation. Maybe that's the lesson we need to learn? To let go.

 

Hi, Bubble. Thanks for stopping by.  I know there is great wisdom in here, but I'm not sure I follow the first part of the quoted language.  

 

Edited:  I follow the syntax now.  I don't know if that's really true.  There are small things I'm trying but I'm finding that I'm letting go and accepting a lot more.  I'm not so happy about it, mind you, but I'm coming slowly to accept that I can only change things around the fringes at best.

 

Hope you see improvement soon.

 

Best,

 

Andy

Edited by apace41
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bubble
17 hours ago, Frogie said:

All I seem to see is a slow slipping away of the essence of me

I was clumsily referring to this. This is what happens when two sleep deprived people are communicating :)

 

I know this feeling very well: if I stop trying (to fix things), this will be the end of me. I listened to a very nice talk by Tara Brach on radical acceptance and she explained that well. 

 

After I wrote my previous post I was thinking about more mundane things: how off the charts anxiety for me typucally means my brain is acutely unhappy about (reductions, too much stress and/or strain). It somehow reminded me of my regret that I didn't updose at one point in my taper. 

 

I should rather turn in than continue being inconclusive :) But I'm very happy to have summoned enough energy to touch base. Hoping for an improvement for you too! After wearing us out, anxiety wears itself out too...

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apace41

I understand what you are saying and recognize there is a part of me that remains wedded to being a "fixit" person.  I got to where I am (the good stuff) by problem solving and achieving.  The idea that I've "met my match" and there is nothing I can do to fix the problem is (no pun intended) a bitter pill for me to swallow.  Any, yet, I recognize that I have little choice but to (again, no pun intended -- or perhaps they are?) swallow my medicine.

 

Sleep well, Bubble.

 

Best,

 

Andy

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Dan998

Sorry to read that you're having a tough time of it, Andy.

 

I can't add much to what the wonderful Shep and Bubble wrote.  Just wanted to let you know that I 'get it' with regard to insomnia and anxiety. Something I have noticed is that they can go away as quickly as they appear and there is nothing you can do to accelerate this process. Try not to beat yourself up as this just gives them even more power. It's brutal and it's unfair, but you just have to roll with the punches and relax and/or distract yourself as much as you can.

 

Waves come and go, but they always pass us by I know it can be difficult to believe this when a hundred foot tsunami is bearing down upon you, but you know as well as anyone else that this is the truth about withdrawal.

 

You have survived every wave so far, this one will be no different. Hang on tight. You're gonna be alright. 

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apace41

Thanks, Dan.  I appreciate your thoughts and am thrilled for your positive post.

 

2 minutes ago, Dan998 said:

Waves come and go, but they always pass us by

 

At the risk of sounding like a whiner, I feel like the past several months have been one big wave that I tried to surf and have been slowly been pulled under by.  If I could get some rebound soon I think it would provide me the sustenance I need to continue to roll forward with this.  The challenge is that when the graph seems to look like this:

 

Image result for graph going down image

 

it gets very difficult!

 

That guy has more hair than I do. 

 

Best,

 

Andy

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powerback

Hi Andy I wanted to pop over and offer my support to  .sorry this is such a crapy wave for you.

If I win the lotto tomorrow ile sort you out with new hair if you'd like 🙂

Take care .

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