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Losing faith


Wildflower0214

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Yes, I too have lost faith, not in Christianity in particular, but in God and the... what can I call it... being "under" a religion, following it and all the axioms and commands/advice contained in it. I was blindly following one particular movement before my admittance to psych ward, and I followed it too much, punishing myself for failure and demanding more of myself. The fault of course was in me, but I'm not going back to spiritual matters blindly anymore, I will inspect before I make decisions. I will explore the axioms behind the sentiments, and make my decision after thorough review.

I have had some spiritual experiences, but I have come to understand they were not because I found something special, or that I were anything special, they were given to me to enforce the path I was taking. Highly suspicious. And if I have experiences in the future I will not be swayed by them the same way I was before. But that is interesting: does the experience matter more than explanation? I used to favour the former, now it's latter I'm leaning on.

2015 Started on Olanzapine 10 mg, 2016:18th January Down to 7.5 mg (from 9,38 mg) 1st of June 6.75 mg (began 10% taper!) [...] 1st December 3.65 mg

 

2017: 1st Jan. ~3.3 mg, 1st Feb 2.95 mg, 22nd Feb 2.65 mg (began 3-week taper) 15th Mar 2.38 mg, 5th Apr 2.14 mg, 26th Apr 1.94 mg  17th May ~1.74 mg (began 19-day taper) 5th June ~1.56 mg 24th June 1.4 mg (began 17-day taper) 11th July 1.26 mg 30th July 1.13 mg 24th Aug 1.0 mg(!)

17th Sept 15 mg 11st Oct 13.5 mg 26th Oct 11.75 mg 18th Nov 10 mg 15th Dec 9 mg

2018: 12nd Jan. 8.1 mg 15th Feb 7.5 mg 1st Apr 6.75 mg 1st Apr 6.08 mg 1st Jun 5.48 mg 1st Jul 5 mg 15th Aug 4.6 mg 15th Sep 4.4 mg 18th Nov 4.3 mg 16th Dec 4.2 mg

2019: 16th Jan 4.1 mg 28th Feb 4.0 mg [...] (began 0.1mg per 2.5 months taper!) 1st Oct 3.7 mg 15th Dec 3.6 mg

2020: 1st Mar 3.5 mg (began 0.1mg per 3 months taper!) 1st Jul 3.35 mg (<-- trying a larger drop) 4th Sep 3.25 mg (started 0.1125mg / 2 months) 10th Dec ~3.1125 mg

2021: 1st Feb 3.0 mg 26th May 2.9 mg 1st Sep 2.8 mg

2022: 1st Mar 2.7 mg 1st Aug 2.6 mg | 2023: 1st Jan 2.5 mg 1st Sep 2.4 mg
Other medications: Temazepam for sleep, don't want to use it (has too many side effects). Melatonin too, except that doesn't work for me with high doses of olanzapine.

Haven't used any sleeping medications for a long time. Temazepam caused withdrawal symptoms when I last tried it.

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  • Moderator Emeritus

Expect to lose faith expect it to come and go.... cause this is a challenge to faith.  

 

For me inspiration has come and gone... like windows and waves... faith however dim it was did not leave me completely it was so far down I could not find it but it was still there some place and when I am in the thick of things stuck in the weeds I can't seem to make myself try one more inch ... one more second... then I rest. Wait anguish and sooner or later it will come down to is it better to be tired and broken and anguished with a bit of faith... or without it. 

 

Yes!  Windows and waves applies to so much!

 

There are stories about enlightenment which talk about the soul hiding, the sense of being connected - hiding.  And in that separation and aloneness - everything seems so bleak, final, and hopeless.

 

Then, in joy and connection, peek-a-boo!  We find faith again, and feel oneness again, feel saved again.

 

The cycle repeats.

 

I've been saying lately that life comes in waves and windows, and you summed it up nicely, B.  Faith, too.  Windows and waves.

"Easy, easy - just go easy and you'll finish." - Hawaiian Kapuna

 

Holding is hard work, holding is a blessing. Give your brain time to heal before you try again.

 

My suggestions are not medical advice, you are in charge of your own medical choices.

 

A lifetime of being prescribed antidepressants that caused problems (30 years in total). At age 35 flipped to "bipolar," but was not diagnosed for 5 years. Started my journey in Midwest United States. Crossed the Pacific for love and hope; currently living in Australia.   CT Seroquel 25 mg some time in 2013.   Tapered Reboxetine 4 mg Oct 2013 to Sept 2014 = GONE (3 years on Reboxetine).     Tapered Lithium 900 to 475 MG (alternating with the SNRI) Jan 2014 - Nov 2014, tapered Lithium 475 mg Jan 2015 -  Feb 2016 = GONE (10 years  on Lithium).  Many mistakes in dry cutting dosages were made.


The tedious thread (my intro):  JanCarol ☼ Reboxetine first, then Lithium

The happy thread (my success story):  JanCarol - Undiagnosed  Off all bipolar drugs

My own blog:  https://shamanexplorations.com/shamans-blog/

 

 

I have been psych drug FREE since 1 Feb 2016!

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  • 3 weeks later...

That is interesting about faith coming in waves and windows. I am wondering what Christmas will feel like this year. Empty? Grim? A glimmer of hope? Trying to just accept whatever comes and not try to push myself to think it has to be a certain way. Perhaps if I stop trying to think it has to be a certain way, I will find my spiritual feet again some day.

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  • 7 months later...

Losing faith is not always losing, I've found. I have found peace while losing many beliefs I held close before.

I now believe in learning, which begins in admitting that I don't know. And this is not just a belief, it's something more. It feels to me like what food means to body.

 

I'm not spiritual, but I do acknowledge you can learn good things from many sources. I just don't put myself in danger involving spiritual matters, because there's certainly dangers involved, and especially with forces that are hidden (or choose to be hidden, I don't know).

 

I have also accepted that learning is slow. It is slow, and I don't want to make it any quicker, as it turned to be a disaster last time I tried to make myself learn quicker.

 

But to not be completely off-topic: what about God? Well I don't know. It seems hard for me to even identify God, because I don't know what God is. How do I recognize God? So God has turned to be just a concept for me. And then I trust God as I would trust any stranger in the street: by their actions. I would form a relationship like with any person: by feeling safe and happy around them and by feeling compatibility... & many things....

 

If I ever got to know God, I would not know they would be God, and I'm fine with it being so.

 

I hope each of you find your way forward,

Bokart

2015 Started on Olanzapine 10 mg, 2016:18th January Down to 7.5 mg (from 9,38 mg) 1st of June 6.75 mg (began 10% taper!) [...] 1st December 3.65 mg

 

2017: 1st Jan. ~3.3 mg, 1st Feb 2.95 mg, 22nd Feb 2.65 mg (began 3-week taper) 15th Mar 2.38 mg, 5th Apr 2.14 mg, 26th Apr 1.94 mg  17th May ~1.74 mg (began 19-day taper) 5th June ~1.56 mg 24th June 1.4 mg (began 17-day taper) 11th July 1.26 mg 30th July 1.13 mg 24th Aug 1.0 mg(!)

17th Sept 15 mg 11st Oct 13.5 mg 26th Oct 11.75 mg 18th Nov 10 mg 15th Dec 9 mg

2018: 12nd Jan. 8.1 mg 15th Feb 7.5 mg 1st Apr 6.75 mg 1st Apr 6.08 mg 1st Jun 5.48 mg 1st Jul 5 mg 15th Aug 4.6 mg 15th Sep 4.4 mg 18th Nov 4.3 mg 16th Dec 4.2 mg

2019: 16th Jan 4.1 mg 28th Feb 4.0 mg [...] (began 0.1mg per 2.5 months taper!) 1st Oct 3.7 mg 15th Dec 3.6 mg

2020: 1st Mar 3.5 mg (began 0.1mg per 3 months taper!) 1st Jul 3.35 mg (<-- trying a larger drop) 4th Sep 3.25 mg (started 0.1125mg / 2 months) 10th Dec ~3.1125 mg

2021: 1st Feb 3.0 mg 26th May 2.9 mg 1st Sep 2.8 mg

2022: 1st Mar 2.7 mg 1st Aug 2.6 mg | 2023: 1st Jan 2.5 mg 1st Sep 2.4 mg
Other medications: Temazepam for sleep, don't want to use it (has too many side effects). Melatonin too, except that doesn't work for me with high doses of olanzapine.

Haven't used any sleeping medications for a long time. Temazepam caused withdrawal symptoms when I last tried it.

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On 7/25/2017 at 5:43 PM, Bokart said:

what about God? Well I don't know. It seems hard for me to even identify God, because I don't know what God is. How do I recognize God? So God has turned to be just a concept for me. And then I trust God as I would trust any stranger in the street: by their actions. I would form a relationship like with any person: by feeling safe and happy around them and by feeling compatibility... & many things....

 

It is difficult during what we are all going through to see God, to know Him, and to trust Him. Our minds and our bodies are betraying us, clouding our thoughts and driving our emotions in directions we would never choose for them to go.

 

But this is when we need God the most. This is the trying fire, the testing, where we are refined.

 

I do not know your previous experiences with God and with reading the Bible. But i would say that the best place to find Him and to get to know Him is in prayer and by reading the Bible. He reveals Himself there very clearly. He reveals how He takes us from sin and death into His loving arms. I would humbly urge you to begin in the letter of 1st John and then read the Gospel of John. These are good places to find the heart of God, His love for you and His will to see You through every trial.

 

Feel free to ask me any questions. It would be an honor to help You discover the true depths of God's love for you.

 

SJ

Main thread: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/14472-shakeyjerr-say-hello/

History: Prozac & Lithium from 1999 to 2003. Ended up back on after 4 months because taking a beta-blocker caused immediate depression (just 2 doses - turned out I didn't even need it; I had no other withdrawal symptoms - I might have ended up med and withdrawal-free otherwise :(). - Switched to Effexor (75mg 3/day) and Seroquel (50mg 3/day) in 2010. - Did a self-taper during 2016. - Developed Discontinuation Syndrome 02/17.

Supplements: Magnesium-Glycinate 400mg split into 4 100mg doses throughout the day. Vitamin C 500mg - once per day. Fish Oil 1360 mg (950 mg Active Omega-3) - twice per day.

I'm not a doctor. I use the internet, experience, and trial & error. Seek medical advice if necessary.

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On 30/07/2017 at 9:07 PM, ShakeyJerr said:

reading the Bible

 

I have found reading very difficult and I imagine that there are others in WD that have this same problem.  I have overcome this problem by listening to audios.  There are many audio Bibles available on the internet.  Some are dramatised and some are non-dramatised.  And if you find a YouTube video and want to put it on a portable device, there are online converters you can use.

* NO LONGER ACTIVE on SA *

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED:  (6 year taper)      0mg Pristiq  on 13th November 2021

ADs since ~1992:  25+ years - 1 unknown, Prozac (muscle weakness), Zoloft; citalopram (pooped out) CTed (very sick for 2.5 wks a few months after); Pristiq:  50mg 2012, 100mg beg 2013 (Serotonin Toxicity)  Tapering from Oct 2015 - 13 Nov 2021   LAST DOSE 0.0025mg

Post 0 updates start here    My tapering program     My Intro (goes to tapering graph)

 VIDEO:   Antidepressant Withdrawal Syndrome and its Management

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  • Moderator Emeritus

SJ, let's remember that this thread is a space for people to talk about their loss of faith.  There are other threads where it would be more appropriate to share how faith may have helped.  Please respect this space for what it is. 

2010  Fluoxetine 20mg.  2011  Escitalopram 20mg.  2013 Tapered badly and destabilised CNS.  Effexor 150mg. 

2015 Begin using info at SurvivingAntidepressants.  Cut 10% - bad w/d 2 months, held 1 month. 

Micro-tapering: four weekly 0.4% cuts, hold 4 weeks (struggling with symptoms).

8 month hold.

2017 Micro-tapering: four weekly 1% cuts, hold 4 weeks (symptoms almost non-existent).

2020 Still micro-tapering. Just over 2/3 of the way off effexor. Minimal symptoms, - and sleeping well.
Supplements: Fish oil, vitamin C, iron, oat-straw tea, nettle tea.

2023 Now on 7 micro-beads of Effexor. Minimal symptoms but much more time needed between drops.

 'The possibility of renewal exists so long as life exists.'  Dr Gabor Mate.

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1 hour ago, KarenB said:

SJ, let's remember that this thread is a space for people to talk about their loss of faith.  There are other threads where it would be more appropriate to share how faith may have helped.  Please respect this space for what it is. 

 

Understood.

 

SJ

Main thread: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/14472-shakeyjerr-say-hello/

History: Prozac & Lithium from 1999 to 2003. Ended up back on after 4 months because taking a beta-blocker caused immediate depression (just 2 doses - turned out I didn't even need it; I had no other withdrawal symptoms - I might have ended up med and withdrawal-free otherwise :(). - Switched to Effexor (75mg 3/day) and Seroquel (50mg 3/day) in 2010. - Did a self-taper during 2016. - Developed Discontinuation Syndrome 02/17.

Supplements: Magnesium-Glycinate 400mg split into 4 100mg doses throughout the day. Vitamin C 500mg - once per day. Fish Oil 1360 mg (950 mg Active Omega-3) - twice per day.

I'm not a doctor. I use the internet, experience, and trial & error. Seek medical advice if necessary.

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ShakeyJerr thanks for the offer, but I'm not really seeking advice. It's part of learning to be independent... and learning. Eventually I get better in knowing when to ask for advice/help too. It's a learning process :)

 

Part of the reason I'm not seeking to pursuit anything related to religion is because there were so many factors related to religion and inner beliefs related to how to be religious that contributed to my psychosis that I feel it's not just safe for me to pursuit those things yet.

 

Take doubt. What do you do when you have doubt? You read a text from the religious scripture you follow and see a contradiction. What did I do? Well, I didn't allow myself to have doubt, so I tried to ignore it. And I did... but then I started to find more things that seemed to contradict with my beliefs or the material contradicted itself.

 

So I ignored everything, but then I became anxious... for no apparent reason to me. But now I know it was because the doubt never left me, and by rejecting my doubt I rejected a part of me... I had inner contradictions, and I started to feel not safe.

 

I didn't feel safe because I had actually doubted my ability to think for my own, and if I can't trust myself in that regard, what else can't I trust? It was tearing me apart.

 

Psychosis ensued, with very twisted concepts of trust and doubt.

 

---

 

So, I learn from my experiences to trust that I learn, and trust that I can do the thinking myself, but it's a long way before I can trust any religious material out there, however benevolent they seem at first sight (I'm not writing here about the contradictions in the material I followed). For now it's better for me to be overly protective of my mental well-being.

 

So when I feel I'm ready, that is when I feel I have learned to read my emotional signs well enough to spot any mental distress (and explore the source of it further and to do proper action based on objective evaluation of the source of distress), laid a basis for myself for a system of evaluation for spiritual content and have defined borders for what I will do/won't do when following a spiritual teaching (there might be other things I have to do too, but I don't remember/know them yet), I might start pursuing spiritual things - if I deem it worth it.... But it's a long way to go!

 

Take care everyone,

Bokart

 

PS: In my last post I defined God as a person, but I don't know that, so it's best for me to leave that undefined. I don't know what concepts apply to God. Cheers!

2015 Started on Olanzapine 10 mg, 2016:18th January Down to 7.5 mg (from 9,38 mg) 1st of June 6.75 mg (began 10% taper!) [...] 1st December 3.65 mg

 

2017: 1st Jan. ~3.3 mg, 1st Feb 2.95 mg, 22nd Feb 2.65 mg (began 3-week taper) 15th Mar 2.38 mg, 5th Apr 2.14 mg, 26th Apr 1.94 mg  17th May ~1.74 mg (began 19-day taper) 5th June ~1.56 mg 24th June 1.4 mg (began 17-day taper) 11th July 1.26 mg 30th July 1.13 mg 24th Aug 1.0 mg(!)

17th Sept 15 mg 11st Oct 13.5 mg 26th Oct 11.75 mg 18th Nov 10 mg 15th Dec 9 mg

2018: 12nd Jan. 8.1 mg 15th Feb 7.5 mg 1st Apr 6.75 mg 1st Apr 6.08 mg 1st Jun 5.48 mg 1st Jul 5 mg 15th Aug 4.6 mg 15th Sep 4.4 mg 18th Nov 4.3 mg 16th Dec 4.2 mg

2019: 16th Jan 4.1 mg 28th Feb 4.0 mg [...] (began 0.1mg per 2.5 months taper!) 1st Oct 3.7 mg 15th Dec 3.6 mg

2020: 1st Mar 3.5 mg (began 0.1mg per 3 months taper!) 1st Jul 3.35 mg (<-- trying a larger drop) 4th Sep 3.25 mg (started 0.1125mg / 2 months) 10th Dec ~3.1125 mg

2021: 1st Feb 3.0 mg 26th May 2.9 mg 1st Sep 2.8 mg

2022: 1st Mar 2.7 mg 1st Aug 2.6 mg | 2023: 1st Jan 2.5 mg 1st Sep 2.4 mg
Other medications: Temazepam for sleep, don't want to use it (has too many side effects). Melatonin too, except that doesn't work for me with high doses of olanzapine.

Haven't used any sleeping medications for a long time. Temazepam caused withdrawal symptoms when I last tried it.

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  • 1 month later...

Just to share to you this: http://www.newmessage.org/the-message/volume-2/relationships-higher-purpose/your-most-primary-relationship

It engages you without forcing. I have found this good. Hopefully others find it too.

 

I also know this is a thread for people about losing faith, but I feel I must share what helped me... and God is an experience, so I can only share what helped me.

Best Regards,

Bokart

2015 Started on Olanzapine 10 mg, 2016:18th January Down to 7.5 mg (from 9,38 mg) 1st of June 6.75 mg (began 10% taper!) [...] 1st December 3.65 mg

 

2017: 1st Jan. ~3.3 mg, 1st Feb 2.95 mg, 22nd Feb 2.65 mg (began 3-week taper) 15th Mar 2.38 mg, 5th Apr 2.14 mg, 26th Apr 1.94 mg  17th May ~1.74 mg (began 19-day taper) 5th June ~1.56 mg 24th June 1.4 mg (began 17-day taper) 11th July 1.26 mg 30th July 1.13 mg 24th Aug 1.0 mg(!)

17th Sept 15 mg 11st Oct 13.5 mg 26th Oct 11.75 mg 18th Nov 10 mg 15th Dec 9 mg

2018: 12nd Jan. 8.1 mg 15th Feb 7.5 mg 1st Apr 6.75 mg 1st Apr 6.08 mg 1st Jun 5.48 mg 1st Jul 5 mg 15th Aug 4.6 mg 15th Sep 4.4 mg 18th Nov 4.3 mg 16th Dec 4.2 mg

2019: 16th Jan 4.1 mg 28th Feb 4.0 mg [...] (began 0.1mg per 2.5 months taper!) 1st Oct 3.7 mg 15th Dec 3.6 mg

2020: 1st Mar 3.5 mg (began 0.1mg per 3 months taper!) 1st Jul 3.35 mg (<-- trying a larger drop) 4th Sep 3.25 mg (started 0.1125mg / 2 months) 10th Dec ~3.1125 mg

2021: 1st Feb 3.0 mg 26th May 2.9 mg 1st Sep 2.8 mg

2022: 1st Mar 2.7 mg 1st Aug 2.6 mg | 2023: 1st Jan 2.5 mg 1st Sep 2.4 mg
Other medications: Temazepam for sleep, don't want to use it (has too many side effects). Melatonin too, except that doesn't work for me with high doses of olanzapine.

Haven't used any sleeping medications for a long time. Temazepam caused withdrawal symptoms when I last tried it.

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  • 1 month later...

W/D brought me closer to God. People come to God two ways, through love and pain. Pain was the direction I learn to accept God into my life. God may test your faith. Life is about choices and people have the free will to accept God or deny God.

 

 

trintellix 1 mg and rexulti .5mg

 

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  • 1 year later...
On 8/6/2016 at 3:54 AM, KarenB said:

Let's remember that this thread is a space for people to talk about their loss of faith.  There are other threads where it would be more appropriate to share how faith may have helped.  Please respect this space for what it is. 

I agree that this space is for people to talk about their loss of faith, but I disagree that in this space we can only talk about that, because I came to this space to seek hope because I lost all my faith. And possibly I can find hope if someone that lost faith shares me how a type of faith helped him/her. The reason for me to read this whole thread is that I am really desperate, I'm living a prolonged hell and I need some advise for me to feel better.

Desperate because it is going to take years for me to get off completely the psychiatric drugs and I suffer every day 24/7 from 16 side effects of the drugs, can't get rid of the side effects in a short time because I have to do a very slow taper. Because of side effects I lost my job, I can't sing anymore which is what makes me happiest, can't work/have a job, involuntary and never stopping thoughts that won't let me meditate/feel calm, and many other problems.

Tried several times in the past using religious things to feel better and they don't work, I hate religious/spiritual/god things. Why? Because religious people say that god loves you and that he promised to give us paradise in the future, and there's so much evidence and examples that this is false. One of many examples are that millions of innocent people, even children, have been tortured, raped and killed in Congo because other countries invade it to steal Congo's mines and metals, this metals end up being used to produce smart phones, computers, cars, etc by companies like samsung, nintendo, toshiba, lenovo, etc (this is documented in the documentary "City of Joy" in netflix). Another example or evidence of the falsehood of god is the hell I've been living because of psych drugs that has lasted so far 6 years and counting.

Thanks to SA I am doing a very slow and gradual taper, no alternating dosages, every 4 or more weeks I reduce by 10% of last dosage, etc, which gives me a little bit of stability, but my patience is over.

In 2008 I was 16 years old. 2008 - 2010 paxil, clonazepam & semisodium valproate. 2013 - 2017 many psych meds with cold switches and CT's prescribed by psychiatrists.

Nov/30/17 started quetiapine IR tablets 100mg 0-0-1. Dec/1/17 started pristiq 50mg tablets 1-0-0. Jan/14/18 started 1.5mg melatonin 0-0-1

Tramadol: 2 year well done (slow and gradual) taper: from Mar/12/18 to Feb/11/20 

Pristiq taper: Jun/15/20 Converted from pristiq 50mg to efexor xr 75mg for 57 days (felt good).  Aug/11/20 weaned to efexor 37.5mg and stayed there for 2 months with 26 days (felt good). Nov/6/20  CT 0mg of efexor xr (felt good). Total time in tapering pristiq 50mg by converting to efexor xr 75mg: 4 months with 22 days: Jun/15/20 to Nov/6/20. (felt good)

Efexor 0mg and quetiapine 100mg (Nov/6/20 to Dic/11/20) (felt good being without effexor and taking 100mg quetiapine)

Dic/11/20 quetiapine 75mg, so 75mg from Dic/11/20 to Jan/4/21  25 days. Jan/5/21 quetiapine 50mg (1 day in 50mg).

Jan/6/21 1st CT of quetiapine. Mar/1/21 CT melatonin. Felt terrible so Mar/25/21 reinstated 100mg quetiapine. 

100mg quetiapine 19 days (Mar/25/21 - Apr/13/21) Felt good while in quetiapine 100mg. 75mg quetiapine 55 days (Apr/14/21 - Jun/8/21) the 55th day (Jun/8/21)  felt hellish so CT'd quetiapine for a 2nd time on Jun/9/21. 

Jun/9/21 - Nov/16/21 1st days insomnia, anxiety, took cbd and felt very good many days (healed insomnia & anxiety), CT'd ginkgo which made me felt terrible so reinstated ginkgo. Started intolerable back pain (spasm) so tried other herbs along with cbd, then started derealization, panic, indecisiveness, nostalgia & others. Stopped taking cbd & herbs, reinstated quetiapine 75mg Nov/17/21, immediately after taking it, had severe heart palpitations, so Nov/18/21 back to cbd (no quetiapine). Nov/20/21 reinstated 75mg quetiapine (stopped cbd & herbs), severely couldn't breathe for 5 seconds after taking quetiapine 75mg so reduced to 50 mg on Nov/28/21 had new and worse and very severe adverse effects, got indecisive if CT or keep taking quetiapine because I was terrified of CT, but since the new severe adverse effects were very severe I CT, and because of indecisiveness and panic to CT, I reinstated again, then CT'd and reinstated many times, last time I was taking quetiapine it was 25mg and had severe TD, hellish anhedonia, suicidal, intrusive thoughts of imagining myself running into a wall and crashing into it and I was feeling the pain as if I was doing it in real life, involuntary thoughts of punching my face or head and shashing it against the wall and some times I did punch my face, and when I didn't, I also felt the pain just by imagining it, so definitive CT on Jul/15/22. 

Free from quetiapine and psych meds since Jul/15/22.

MY BEST ADVICE: FOLLOW SA'S GUIDELINES, DON'T CT BECAUSE IT IS HORRIFIC AND BE PATIENT TO WAIT A LONG TIME TO DO VERY SLOW AND GRADUAL TAPERS IN ORDER TO GET OFF OF YOUR MEDICATIONS, IT IS WORTH IT. THE ONLY MOMENTS WHERE IS RIGHT TO CT IS AFTER YOUR 1ST CT THAT YOU DID BECAUSE OF IGNORANCE OR IMPATIENCE, IF YOU REINSTATE AND FEEL SEVERE ADVERSE EFFECTS LIKE TD, ANHEDONIA, FEEL LIKE YOU ARE DROWNING, OR THE ONE'S I HAD, IT IS BEST TO CT IN MY EXPERIENCE, BECAUSE WHEN I REINSTATED I GOT MUCH WORSE THAN WHEN I WAS IN THE PREVIOUS CT. I'm not a doctor.

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Even though I have this hate towards religious stuff, I'm still open to it, meaning that if a person suggests me a religious solution, if it helped that person while tapering psych drugs, I'll be open to it and try it. 

In 2008 I was 16 years old. 2008 - 2010 paxil, clonazepam & semisodium valproate. 2013 - 2017 many psych meds with cold switches and CT's prescribed by psychiatrists.

Nov/30/17 started quetiapine IR tablets 100mg 0-0-1. Dec/1/17 started pristiq 50mg tablets 1-0-0. Jan/14/18 started 1.5mg melatonin 0-0-1

Tramadol: 2 year well done (slow and gradual) taper: from Mar/12/18 to Feb/11/20 

Pristiq taper: Jun/15/20 Converted from pristiq 50mg to efexor xr 75mg for 57 days (felt good).  Aug/11/20 weaned to efexor 37.5mg and stayed there for 2 months with 26 days (felt good). Nov/6/20  CT 0mg of efexor xr (felt good). Total time in tapering pristiq 50mg by converting to efexor xr 75mg: 4 months with 22 days: Jun/15/20 to Nov/6/20. (felt good)

Efexor 0mg and quetiapine 100mg (Nov/6/20 to Dic/11/20) (felt good being without effexor and taking 100mg quetiapine)

Dic/11/20 quetiapine 75mg, so 75mg from Dic/11/20 to Jan/4/21  25 days. Jan/5/21 quetiapine 50mg (1 day in 50mg).

Jan/6/21 1st CT of quetiapine. Mar/1/21 CT melatonin. Felt terrible so Mar/25/21 reinstated 100mg quetiapine. 

100mg quetiapine 19 days (Mar/25/21 - Apr/13/21) Felt good while in quetiapine 100mg. 75mg quetiapine 55 days (Apr/14/21 - Jun/8/21) the 55th day (Jun/8/21)  felt hellish so CT'd quetiapine for a 2nd time on Jun/9/21. 

Jun/9/21 - Nov/16/21 1st days insomnia, anxiety, took cbd and felt very good many days (healed insomnia & anxiety), CT'd ginkgo which made me felt terrible so reinstated ginkgo. Started intolerable back pain (spasm) so tried other herbs along with cbd, then started derealization, panic, indecisiveness, nostalgia & others. Stopped taking cbd & herbs, reinstated quetiapine 75mg Nov/17/21, immediately after taking it, had severe heart palpitations, so Nov/18/21 back to cbd (no quetiapine). Nov/20/21 reinstated 75mg quetiapine (stopped cbd & herbs), severely couldn't breathe for 5 seconds after taking quetiapine 75mg so reduced to 50 mg on Nov/28/21 had new and worse and very severe adverse effects, got indecisive if CT or keep taking quetiapine because I was terrified of CT, but since the new severe adverse effects were very severe I CT, and because of indecisiveness and panic to CT, I reinstated again, then CT'd and reinstated many times, last time I was taking quetiapine it was 25mg and had severe TD, hellish anhedonia, suicidal, intrusive thoughts of imagining myself running into a wall and crashing into it and I was feeling the pain as if I was doing it in real life, involuntary thoughts of punching my face or head and shashing it against the wall and some times I did punch my face, and when I didn't, I also felt the pain just by imagining it, so definitive CT on Jul/15/22. 

Free from quetiapine and psych meds since Jul/15/22.

MY BEST ADVICE: FOLLOW SA'S GUIDELINES, DON'T CT BECAUSE IT IS HORRIFIC AND BE PATIENT TO WAIT A LONG TIME TO DO VERY SLOW AND GRADUAL TAPERS IN ORDER TO GET OFF OF YOUR MEDICATIONS, IT IS WORTH IT. THE ONLY MOMENTS WHERE IS RIGHT TO CT IS AFTER YOUR 1ST CT THAT YOU DID BECAUSE OF IGNORANCE OR IMPATIENCE, IF YOU REINSTATE AND FEEL SEVERE ADVERSE EFFECTS LIKE TD, ANHEDONIA, FEEL LIKE YOU ARE DROWNING, OR THE ONE'S I HAD, IT IS BEST TO CT IN MY EXPERIENCE, BECAUSE WHEN I REINSTATED I GOT MUCH WORSE THAN WHEN I WAS IN THE PREVIOUS CT. I'm not a doctor.

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