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Wildflower0214

Losing faith

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Bokart   
Bokart

Yes, I too have lost faith, not in Christianity in particular, but in God and the... what can I call it... being "under" a religion, following it and all the axioms and commands/advice contained in it. I was blindly following one particular movement before my admittance to psych ward, and I followed it too much, punishing myself for failure and demanding more of myself. The fault of course was in me, but I'm not going back to spiritual matters blindly anymore, I will inspect before I make decisions. I will explore the axioms behind the sentiments, and make my decision after thorough review.

I have had some spiritual experiences, but I have come to understand they were not because I found something special, or that I were anything special, they were given to me to enforce the path I was taking. Highly suspicious. And if I have experiences in the future I will not be swayed by them the same way I was before. But that is interesting: does the experience matter more than explanation? I used to favour the former, now it's latter I'm leaning on.

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JanCarol   
JanCarol

Expect to lose faith expect it to come and go.... cause this is a challenge to faith.  

 

For me inspiration has come and gone... like windows and waves... faith however dim it was did not leave me completely it was so far down I could not find it but it was still there some place and when I am in the thick of things stuck in the weeds I can't seem to make myself try one more inch ... one more second... then I rest. Wait anguish and sooner or later it will come down to is it better to be tired and broken and anguished with a bit of faith... or without it. 

 

Yes!  Windows and waves applies to so much!

 

There are stories about enlightenment which talk about the soul hiding, the sense of being connected - hiding.  And in that separation and aloneness - everything seems so bleak, final, and hopeless.

 

Then, in joy and connection, peek-a-boo!  We find faith again, and feel oneness again, feel saved again.

 

The cycle repeats.

 

I've been saying lately that life comes in waves and windows, and you summed it up nicely, B.  Faith, too.  Windows and waves.

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MNgal1960   
MNgal1960

That is interesting about faith coming in waves and windows. I am wondering what Christmas will feel like this year. Empty? Grim? A glimmer of hope? Trying to just accept whatever comes and not try to push myself to think it has to be a certain way. Perhaps if I stop trying to think it has to be a certain way, I will find my spiritual feet again some day.

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Bokart   
Bokart

Losing faith is not always losing, I've found. I have found peace while losing many beliefs I held close before.

I now believe in learning, which begins in admitting that I don't know. And this is not just a belief, it's something more. It feels to me like what food means to body.

 

I'm not spiritual, but I do acknowledge you can learn good things from many sources. I just don't put myself in danger involving spiritual matters, because there's certainly dangers involved, and especially with forces that are hidden (or choose to be hidden, I don't know).

 

I have also accepted that learning is slow. It is slow, and I don't want to make it any quicker, as it turned to be a disaster last time I tried to make myself learn quicker.

 

But to not be completely off-topic: what about God? Well I don't know. It seems hard for me to even identify God, because I don't know what God is. How do I recognize God? So God has turned to be just a concept for me. And then I trust God as I would trust any stranger in the street: by their actions. I would form a relationship like with any person: by feeling safe and happy around them and by feeling compatibility... & many things....

 

If I ever got to know God, I would not know they would be God, and I'm fine with it being so.

 

I hope each of you find your way forward,

Bokart

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ShakeyJerr   
ShakeyJerr
On 7/25/2017 at 5:43 PM, Bokart said:

what about God? Well I don't know. It seems hard for me to even identify God, because I don't know what God is. How do I recognize God? So God has turned to be just a concept for me. And then I trust God as I would trust any stranger in the street: by their actions. I would form a relationship like with any person: by feeling safe and happy around them and by feeling compatibility... & many things....

 

It is difficult during what we are all going through to see God, to know Him, and to trust Him. Our minds and our bodies are betraying us, clouding our thoughts and driving our emotions in directions we would never choose for them to go.

 

But this is when we need God the most. This is the trying fire, the testing, where we are refined.

 

I do not know your previous experiences with God and with reading the Bible. But i would say that the best place to find Him and to get to know Him is in prayer and by reading the Bible. He reveals Himself there very clearly. He reveals how He takes us from sin and death into His loving arms. I would humbly urge you to begin in the letter of 1st John and then read the Gospel of John. These are good places to find the heart of God, His love for you and His will to see You through every trial.

 

Feel free to ask me any questions. It would be an honor to help You discover the true depths of God's love for you.

 

SJ

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ChessieCat   
ChessieCat
On 30/07/2017 at 9:07 PM, ShakeyJerr said:

reading the Bible

 

I have found reading very difficult and I imagine that there are others in WD that have this same problem.  I have overcome this problem by listening to audios.  There are many audio Bibles available on the internet.  Some are dramatised and some are non-dramatised.  And if you find a YouTube video and want to put it on a portable device, there are online converters you can use.

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KarenB   
KarenB

SJ, let's remember that this thread is a space for people to talk about their loss of faith.  There are other threads where it would be more appropriate to share how faith may have helped.  Please respect this space for what it is. 

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ShakeyJerr   
ShakeyJerr
1 hour ago, KarenB said:

SJ, let's remember that this thread is a space for people to talk about their loss of faith.  There are other threads where it would be more appropriate to share how faith may have helped.  Please respect this space for what it is. 

 

Understood.

 

SJ

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Bokart   
Bokart

ShakeyJerr thanks for the offer, but I'm not really seeking advice. It's part of learning to be independent... and learning. Eventually I get better in knowing when to ask for advice/help too. It's a learning process :)

 

Part of the reason I'm not seeking to pursuit anything related to religion is because there were so many factors related to religion and inner beliefs related to how to be religious that contributed to my psychosis that I feel it's not just safe for me to pursuit those things yet.

 

Take doubt. What do you do when you have doubt? You read a text from the religious scripture you follow and see a contradiction. What did I do? Well, I didn't allow myself to have doubt, so I tried to ignore it. And I did... but then I started to find more things that seemed to contradict with my beliefs or the material contradicted itself.

 

So I ignored everything, but then I became anxious... for no apparent reason to me. But now I know it was because the doubt never left me, and by rejecting my doubt I rejected a part of me... I had inner contradictions, and I started to feel not safe.

 

I didn't feel safe because I had actually doubted my ability to think for my own, and if I can't trust myself in that regard, what else can't I trust? It was tearing me apart.

 

Psychosis ensued, with very twisted concepts of trust and doubt.

 

---

 

So, I learn from my experiences to trust that I learn, and trust that I can do the thinking myself, but it's a long way before I can trust any religious material out there, however benevolent they seem at first sight (I'm not writing here about the contradictions in the material I followed). For now it's better for me to be overly protective of my mental well-being.

 

So when I feel I'm ready, that is when I feel I have learned to read my emotional signs well enough to spot any mental distress (and explore the source of it further and to do proper action based on objective evaluation of the source of distress), laid a basis for myself for a system of evaluation for spiritual content and have defined borders for what I will do/won't do when following a spiritual teaching (there might be other things I have to do too, but I don't remember/know them yet), I might start pursuing spiritual things - if I deem it worth it.... But it's a long way to go!

 

Take care everyone,

Bokart

 

PS: In my last post I defined God as a person, but I don't know that, so it's best for me to leave that undefined. I don't know what concepts apply to God. Cheers!

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