☼ oskcajga: Partial recovery: SSRI/SNRI withdrawal and adverse reaction

[apace41]

Osk,

 

All the angst and self-doubt are symptoms of the withdrawal. Are you perfect? No. Can you get through the interview, impress, aNd mange the job? I suspect you can. Nobody's expectations of you are as high as yours are off yourself. The "real world" moves at a slower pace in most regards than the intensity of academia at the highest level. You are still very articulate and I suspect you will come off well. You won't know until you try, and having structure in your life may be just the things to push you on the road to full, and final recovery.

 

Equip yourself with some coping strategies like visualization, affirmations, etc. and go for it. They want you so if you are strong enough to contemplate this then I would go in head high. If you were in no shape to take a shot you would know.

 

Good luck,

 

Andy

[bluebalu86]

Hi Osk,

 

I can't give you much advice because I've never worked and don't have any experience with job interviews or holding down a job and stuff like that, but I just wanted to say that I think your story is pretty impressive and you're a very impressive guy  - how much you've managed to achieve in WD and how hard you've fought. I think you're a warrior, and I think you will make a full recovery and be absolutely fine given a little more time. Just a hunch I have for you. I wish you all the best my friend. Peace and healing to you

[oskcajga]

Thank you both very much for your replies.  I found them to be extremely helpful and I appreciate your concern and positive encouraging words.  I'll certainly post an update on here in the future.

[Djones1984]

Hi there, I just read your introduction and almost brought me to tears I have all the same symptoms as you and also had an adverse reaction about 2.5 years ago. I can totally relate about the pot,etc been to hell and back. Would love to talk more pm if you want I wold really like to talk on the phone or something.

[Djones1984]

Hi there, I just read your introduction and almost brought me to tears I have all the same symptoms as you and also had an adverse reaction about 2.5 years ago. I can totally relate about the pot,etc been to hell and back. Would love to talk more pm if you want I wold really like to talk on the phone or something.

[Djones1984]

Hi there, I just read your introduction and almost brought me to tears I have all the same symptoms as you and also had an adverse reaction about 2.5 years ago. I can totally relate about the pot,etc been to hell and back. Would love to talk more pm if you want I wold really like to talk on the phone or something.

[Djones1984]

Don't know what happened there with the 3 posts but it's getting late and I am on my phone trying to stay awake. I will read more of your story tomorrow.

[oskcajga]

Hi there, I just read your introduction and almost brought me to tears I have all the same symptoms as you and also had an adverse reaction about 2.5 years ago. I can totally relate about the pot,etc been to hell and back. Would love to talk more pm if you want I wold really like to talk on the phone or something.

 

That's interesting, I'll shoot you a PM. 

[oskcajga]

I like to bullet point my posts sometimes:

 

1)  I am healing.  3-4 months ago, I had excruciating pain when ever I attempted to read anything online.  It was literally such bad pain that I would have to turn off the computer, lay down, and let my trigeminal nerve calm down and heal for the next hour.  I'd be dizzy and out of it for hours and hours.  But there was no way to pass the time other than the computer - so I'd turn it on some hours later, and rinse and repeat.   I wouldn't say that it was the most miserable pain I've ever experienced, but I can't think of anything wore.  I wouldn't say that it was the most miserable experience in my life, but can't think of anything that comes close.

 

Now I can browse the web and chat with people online for hours and hours. 

 

2)  Another thing that has gotten exponentially better is my sleep.  I routinely get 8 hours of sleep now.  I rarely go a single night without getting 8 hours of sleep.  I notice that my dreams work - i.e.., I have dreams.  They are vivid, interesting, and although not as memorable as dreams used to be before I got zepped by duloxetine and prozac, they are back.  I tend to enjoy my dreams more than my consciousness. 

 

3)  I remember before I relapsed in my symptoms from the marijuana, I didn't even get headaches anymore from the adverse reaction I had to prozac upon attempting to reinstate.  I expect that my body will return to that "baseline" state some day, it has taken it's sweet time getting there.  Going on 14 months since I smoked the pot and destroyed my brain - glad to know that I'm healing - sad to realize how long it took from a seemingly harmless night out    14 months is a LONG TIME to think about one single mistake.  I get it body, I can't handle any drugs or supplements, what so ever.  14 months though? 

 

4)  Still feel like 5% of my normal emotions.  I feel more pleasure overall, but no emotions.  I don't even remember what it felt like to be truly happy, sad, jealous, etc.  Emotions would be nice to have back.  I used to be a fairly spiritual person, haven't had much desire for that stuff since the meds.  The lack of emotions continues to be my least favorite side effect from the meds.  For craps sake, at least give me the ability to love something. 

 

Must you steal all my humanity, psychiatry?

[Theon]

Hello oskcajga.

 

I ask this question to you because you seem to be quite intelligent.

 

Do you think that the damage/rewiring of brain/persistent side effects/withdrawal can be seen as the damage of an illegal drug abuser?

I have read some articles about drug abusers recovering and it gives me hope that many of them recover with time.

 

thank you

[oskcajga]

Hello oskcajga.

 

I ask this question to you because you seem to be quite intelligent.

 

Do you think that the damage/rewiring of brain/persistent side effects/withdrawal can be seen as the damage of an illegal drug abuser?

I have read some articles about drug abusers recovering and it gives me hope that many of them recover with time.

 

thank you

 

I'm certain that people who abuse illegal drugs can end up in a similar situation as we care in.  The really frustrating part is that the level of disability that some folks are in on this forum and others is typically limited to heavy or even RECKLESS drug abusers - the sort of people who are so destitute that they use drugs every day, huff paint, pop 4 e pills, take 12 tabs of LSD simultaneously.  I've known people who have done FAR FAR FAR more drugs than 10 normal humans combined, and they recovered within 1-2 years of being "sober".   The only conclusion that I can draw from this is that illegal drugs appear to be less neurotoxic than low doses of SSRIs and neuroleptics.  Obviously not everyone survived and becomes sober, so there are many differences between the two - and my statement is just a generalization - but this demonstrates how potent and dangerous prescribed medication can be compared to illegal drug use.  One major difference between the two is that recreation drugs tend to be addicting, while prescribed medications do not (i.e., rarely do SSRI or neuroleptic drug users CRAVE the drug after discontinuation).

 

For this reason I am of the opinion that low doses of "illegal" drugs are MUCH less dangerous than any prescribed medication.

 

If that's not WTF, I'm not sure what is.

 

In drug recovery (i.e., if you go to a fancy hospital and they teach you about this stuff) they call it post acute withdrawal syndrome.  They say that it takes about 5-7 years for full recovery.  That timeline is quite consistent with the SSRI and neuroleptic withdrawal recovery timeframe.  So you can definitely look to the drug abuse literature for hope, I think there are many similarities.  That is, once you get over the ANGER that you, a law abiding, responsible, hard working adult - who followed your doctor's instructions - ended up in the same boat as a person who recklessly uses drugs on an almost daily basis. 

 

The only similarity may be that both the drug abuser and the "patient" used drugs on a daily basis - I've read that the DAILY use of the medications that we took are one of the reasons for the profound neuroadaptations that took place.  This has also been posited to explain why occasional recreational drug use doesn't cause as much damage to the brain - the brain has time to recover between doses, and the habits of a drug user tend to VARY the drug they take (even the source of the drug can vary the neurotransmitters affected) - so it's not the exact same prescription medication that acts on one very specific neurological mechanism of action every single day.

 

Just some food for thought.

[bluebalu86]

I think I wouldn't be so miserable if that was something I did to myself. But the stupid doctors did it and that pisses me off so much I have no words to convey my anger and frustration. I WISH I was a drug addict. It would've helped my depression and anxiety and I wouldn't be in this horrible situation now. I thought I was "doing the right thing", the "healthy thing" by taking those meds... What a sick joke my life has become. 

[Theon]

Thank you Oskcajga. Yes, good food for thought...

 

The fact that this is happening nowadays is just incredible... and the fact that the people who ends up medicated are often people who just need time to figure things up makes me want to puke... When will they accept that psychiatry makes far more harm than good?

 

And how much worse would we be without the internet??, The internet is the most powerful weapon that normal people have to protect themselves against lies and abuse from the people in power... I hope people with the power never ever put their dirty and corrupt hands on the internet... Now I have something to fight for.

[alexjuice]

Hey man, sounds like you've been through the ringer. Sorry to hear you've been run over by it. I know what you're going hru. Hang in there!

[nz11]

Great insights oskcajga.

 

Theon im with you if it werent for a vehicle like this to put sufferers together like this worldwide the crime would just continue to be pharmas dirty little secret.

[apace41]

 

Theon im with you if it werent for a vehicle like this to put sufferers together like this worldwide the crime would just continue to be pharmas dirty little secret.

 

NZ,

 

As much as I'd like to think that site like this are a way of "outing" Big Pharmas dirty little secret, the sad reality I believe is that we are only marginally closer to real recognition of this issue.  If you took a poll in the streets around the world and asked people "what's the cause of depression", if you got any answer whatsoever you would still most likely get an answer about serotonin being out of balance of something to that effect.  My point is that Big Pharma has done a great "sell job" on some now debunked theories and people want to believe that things have been fixed so they listen to what they hear.  Add to that the US policy allowing direct to consumer advertising and the happy people in the commercials and you get a frikking mess like we have.  Over time it will probably change very slowly but it's going to be many years from where I sit

 

What this site IS GREAT for is allowing those that want to take control of their own situation have a place to come and share to gain support from each other, understand we are not alone, learn how best to deal with situations and generally understand what options exist.  I'd like to think that change will occur at the grass roots level such as this site, but I'm realistic enough to know that the profit motive is very strong and the evil that exists will not, to borrow from Dylan Thomas, go gently into that good night.

 

Andy

[manymoretodays]

"Must you steal all my humanity, psychiatry?"

 

 And I like what you explained about differences/similarities between us and illegal drug users.  It made some sense and was kind of what I was looking for.

 

You want some emotions Osk?  LOL.  Are you certain?  Because I have a couple of roomers here at the monastery that really need to go.  I will send Tears right over with Weird Laughter right behind..........I think Sleepy is interested too(not strictly and emotion but.....).  Enjoy them.  They will tell you what they need.

 

You ARE doing better.  You give hugs now and stuff.  IDK,  try just loving something simple first.  Your walking shoes.  Your breakfast cereal.  I mean look at you......you have made good progress.  And there is some awesome stuff you wrote for us to read.

 

Hugs.  :)   triple smiley faces and a laughter too.

[nz11]

Andy i am sure you are right.

Thanks for popping in to my intro by the way.

 

osk. i think i might print and file your above thoughts

[oskcajga]

"Must you steal all my humanity, psychiatry?"

 

 And I like what you explained about differences/similarities between us and illegal drug users.  It made some sense and was kind of what I was looking for.

 

You want some emotions Osk?  LOL.  Are you certain?  Because I have a couple of roomers here at the monastery that really need to go.  I will send Tears right over with Weird Laughter right behind..........I think Sleepy is interested too(not strictly and emotion but.....).  Enjoy them.  They will tell you what they need.

 

You ARE doing better.  You give hugs now and stuff.  IDK,  try just loving something simple first.  Your walking shoes.  Your breakfast cereal.  I mean look at you......you have made good progress.  And there is some awesome stuff you wrote for us to read.

 

Hugs.  :)   triple smiley faces and a laughter too.

 

Oh I'd love those emotions, sounds like a lot of fun and chaos.  Haha - yeah I started giving hugs because everyone needs some love, and who wouldn't want a hug?  I'd almost always go for a hug these days.

 

 

 

Theon im with you if it werent for a vehicle like this to put sufferers together like this worldwide the crime would just continue to be pharmas dirty little secret.

 

NZ,

 

As much as I'd like to think that site like this are a way of "outing" Big Pharmas dirty little secret, the sad reality I believe is that we are only marginally closer to real recognition of this issue.  If you took a poll in the streets around the world and asked people "what's the cause of depression", if you got any answer whatsoever you would still most likely get an answer about serotonin being out of balance of something to that effect.  My point is that Big Pharma has done a great "sell job" on some now debunked theories and people want to believe that things have been fixed so they listen to what they hear.  Add to that the US policy allowing direct to consumer advertising and the happy people in the commercials and you get a frikking mess like we have.  Over time it will probably change very slowly but it's going to be many years from where I sit

 

What this site IS GREAT for is allowing those that want to take control of their own situation have a place to come and share to gain support from each other, understand we are not alone, learn how best to deal with situations and generally understand what options exist.  I'd like to think that change will occur at the grass roots level such as this site, but I'm realistic enough to know that the profit motive is very strong and the evil that exists will not, to borrow from Dylan Thomas, go gently into that good night.

 

Andy

 

 

I completely agree with your statement about this website (and I tend to agree with much of what you say, because it's logical, rational, and soundly conceived).  We in this community were dealt a HUGE blow against our fight for awareness and self-assurance when paxil progress decided to suddenly shut down.  That website was like a giant encyclopedia of interesting anecdotes that dated back to the late 1990's and early 2000's - and gave us a huge amount of information (ultimately can be synthesized into power).  Although paxil progress was not as informative about tapering as SA, it certainly had a lot of long term followers for over a decade. 

 

I've said it before and I'll say it again, I think the administrators in Paxil progress did the world a huge disservice by taking that site offline and not sharing any of the posts or threads - at the very least they should have allowed someone to operate the site so that members on here could browse through the forums and read all the fascinating anecdotes.  If I had a truckload of cash, I'd try contacting the administrators and offering various sums of money to buy those servers from them - just so I could mine it and publish the data from the anecdotal stories on other websites.  I do not have that kind of cash, obviously - but I feel very strongly about all the stories that people have spent time constructing.  I'm not aware of any other websites besides SA - and I'm glad that SA is as good of a resource as it is with the administrators it has.  I think the administration here on SA is like 5X better than on PP, but PP had a lot more posts from back in the late 1990's which I always found to be absolutely fascinating - there were also a huge quantity of partial recovery, and success stories that I haven't seen posted on this website. 

 

I'm not even kidding - someone could have taken the anecdotal stories from paxil progress, and turned them into competitive, publishable case histories.  Similar things could be said for SA - maybe some day I'll try to do something like that if I ever get my brain back.

 

I really hope that Alto doesn't ever shut down this website, and I'm grateful for it's existence.

 

Thank you Oskcajga. Yes, good food for thought...

 

The fact that this is happening nowadays is just incredible... and the fact that the people who ends up medicated are often people who just need time to figure things up makes me want to puke... When will they accept that psychiatry makes far more harm than good?

 

And how much worse would we be without the internet??, The internet is the most powerful weapon that normal people have to protect themselves against lies and abuse from the people in power... I hope people with the power never ever put their dirty and corrupt hands on the internet... Now I have something to fight for.

 

We'd be so screwed without the internet.  I don't think I would have realized how common this was if it wasn't for the internet - and I would have probably sought alternative diagnoses for things like MS, parkinsons, etc, from other doctors and ended up back on meds of some sort.  I honestly don't know what would have happened if it weren't for websites like SA, and paxil progress (see my above post on that one). 

 

There's literally no other resource out there for people like us.  None.   Ok there are a couple of doctors here and there that understand - but that's hardly a resource.

 

To put things into perspective, the recent article about Luke Montegue (the Earl of Sandwich) basically said that websites such as SA were the only way he understood what was going on.  If someone with his resources and connections couldn't find help outside of the internet - then an average person like myself is totally screwed.

 

By the way - everyone should go read that article right now.  It represents a huge step forward for our community and needs to be disseminated.

 

http://cepuk.org/2015/07/18/rapid-withdrawal-misprescribing-benzodiazepine-leads-1-35m-settlement-luke-montagu-cep-co-founder/

 

-

 

Love and hugs.

[oskcajga]

Update.

 

Never got a call back from that local industry job - will probably just let that one settle and gather dust.  They didn't contact me, I didn't contact them - I didn't get fired for being brain dead, nothing gained nothing lost.  Perhaps in 6 months or so I can apply for a different job in that organization and pursue that with a bit more vigor and have the intellectual capacity to do the work.  I was so stressed out for 2 weeks when I thought I'd get a call back.  I got my hair cut, changed my sleep cycle, started waking up at 9am instead of 12pm - and was walking every day.    Stress went through the roof - I did not enjoy that very much - guessing it would be like 3X that bad if I actually got the job and had to show up to work every day.

 

Also, I fish a lot and caught a big trout yesterday in the wilderness with my father.  I started fly fishing 3 days ago and got a massive rainbow trout.  It's summer here, so I just walk around the woods, physically and emotionally numb, but it's SOMETHING to do and I enjoy being in nature.

 

Feeling a little better emotionally - the general anesthesia is going away - I feel a tiny bit sad, tiny bit happy, tiny bit disgusted, etc, from time to time.

 

My trigeminal nerve pain is about 1/2 the strength as it was 3 months ago.  I now can go entire days without putting down the computer.  Still have trouble reading books - and my comprehension is very low.  But I used to have HORRIBLE debilitating pain, now it's just bothersome and painful - but not as limiting.

 

Progress

[apace41]

HUGE progress, Osk. 

 

And, I can tell by the "tone" in your post that you are were more than a little HAPPY when you caught that "big one."

 

Of course, we all know fisherman tend to exaggerate but it sounds like at least dinner for one night!

 

Good to hear your progress.

 

Andy

 

[bluebalu86]

You're definitely making progress Osk, I'm happy for you. This is a clear sign you are healing and before you know it, you will become even better and better. 

[oskcajga]

HUGE progress, Osk. 

 

And, I can tell by the "tone" in your post that you are were more than a little HAPPY when you caught that "big one."

 

Of course, we all know fisherman tend to exaggerate but it sounds like at least dinner for one night!

 

Good to hear your progress.

 

Andy

 

 

 

Yup!  It's super fun - usually I'm just anhedonic and don't feel too much when I catch a fish (usually bait fishing), but when I caught it using a fly I was like super excited and was all enthusiastic and everything.  Definitely not something I could have experienced 3 months ago.  It's extra fun because I scouted out this particular location one day, and discovered it to be a honey pot for fishing - people would pay big bucks to have stocked fish like this - and I found it all on my own.

 

Since April I've been eating trout nearly every single week.  No week has gone by that I haven't had at least one meal that consisted of freshly caught, mountain trout.  After I eat the trout, sometimes I feel quite a bit better that night and the next day.  I can't help but wonder if the trout (which are among one of the highest in Omega 3 fatty acids) are helping to contribute to my recovery.  

 

Perhaps it's the combination of my good diet, exercise, and being outside and relaxing.  I don't really know - but I do know that I'm very fortunate to live in a place where the fishing is so good and the natural environment is not very far away.

 

I dunno, but I'll keep everyone updated.

 

Thanks for your posts

[apace41]

 

Since April I've been eating trout nearly every single week.  No week has gone by that I haven't had at least one meal that consisted of freshly caught, mountain trout.  After I eat the trout, sometimes I feel quite a bit better that night and the next day.  I can't help but wonder if the trout (which are among one of the highest in Omega 3 fatty acids) are helping to contribute to my recovery.  

 

 

 

I do not think that "all Omega-3 is created equal."  I think that you get from fresh fish just caught is better than farm-raised and better than extracted oil in capsules.  I would think there would be a little more of a "boost" from the stuff you are getting fresh.  The fact that you feel good about the "catch" helps by giving you happiness and releasing oxytocin.

 

All good, my friend.

 

Andy

[Laura1981]

That sounds amazing! I'm so glad your emotions are coming back! And it's the positive ones! 

 

I have to go and find some trout!!!

[Theon]

 

Also, I fish a lot and caught a big trout yesterday in the wilderness with my father.  I started fly fishing 3 days ago and got a massive rainbow trout.  It's summer here, so I just walk around the woods, physically and emotionally numb, but it's SOMETHING to do and I enjoy being in nature.

 

That sounds just awesome Osk!. With such an environment I am sure your healing process will be boosted!.

I think exercise is important but being in contact with the nature seems to be even better than exercise to me.

Nature heals what humans damaged...

 

Happy to hear that you are improving  

[oskcajga]

Well, if my last post was considered to be a "window", the last couple of days have definitely been a "wave".  I think I over did it with the trout, ate a giant hunk of wild trout meat a couple of days ago and my skin started burning.  Then yesterday I felt off the whole day.  Last night, my trigeminal nerve started hurting pretty bad and my face was twitching after I waved my hand back and forth in front of me, and tried to follow my hand with my eyes.  It seems like that simple maneuver ws too much for my frail nervous system to handle, and I feel a bit off today.

 

I still feel pretty good overall, but it's really frustrating that something as silly and simple as one too many giant fresh trout can push me into a wave.  If there's ever any serious real emergency I'm going to be in big trouble if watching my hand with my eyes and eating an absolutely delicious trout can cause me to have a wave :/

 

Love and hugs.
 

[LexAnger]

As strange as it sounds, Im glad your validation as I got a huge wave with lots new symptoms I never had immediately after a big meal in my friends which caused reflux and heartburn too.

 

I was not sure e connection but now I think that's another lesson learned. I don't change anything else recently.

[Laura1981]

Ouch, so sorry the trout pushed you in a wave. I had no idea larger food quantities can also affect the nervous system badly. 

 

I hope you feel better soon! 

[oskcajga]

So a little update about my "relationships", as there are not many of these left in my life.  But the one with my mother deteriorated today, and I basically - through text - told her that I could no longer have a relationship with her, so long as she 1) assumes and pretends that I'm a fully functional person, and constantly bothers me about getting a job, and 2) continues to neglect me financially and treat me with disrespect - especially considering the large financial resources that she has at her disposal (she's not super wealthy - my family is not rich, but she has enough cash on hand to help give me at least $500-1000 a month).

 

Every time I talk to this woman I feel like killing myself.  Last time I visited, I was so desperate for help and tried all of my best manipulative tactics and basically begged her and pleaded with her to help me financially - and she barely budged.  She vacillates between loving me and looking at me with disgust when I visit - and I can't handle that sort of craziness.

 

She barely ever calls to see how I'm doing - she has ignored all of my articles that I've sent her and videos that demonstrate that I have a legitimate illness - and she constantly thinks that I have an underlying mental illness, or MS or something, and thinks that I need to be treated for it - rather than just giving me the $$ so I can afford to buy new shoes, repair my glasses, clean my car, buy new clothing, and just basically live a relatively raesonable life.  For over a year now I've lived on about $300 a month.  I am in abject poverty - while she brags to me about thinking of buying a new boat.

 

This sort of neglect for one's own child is absolutely disgusting - and I basically told her all of this - quite frankly - via text - because I didn't want to get into another screaming match with the woman.

 

So I guess that relationship is dead, or at least she will have to think about all of this and it will cause her a great deal of distress.  I just don't know how else to deal with this situation - going to visit and pretending everything is OK makes me want to hang myself more than anything, so I don't know what else to do.

 

 

Other than that I continue to feel better.  Slowly by slowly I can completely feel my limbs, my memory is returning, and the pain is getting less severe.  In the last 6 months I've improved quite a bit - the pain is about 50% less.

 

That's it for me.

 

Thanks for all of the support here on this forum.

 

Love and hugs,

Osk

[Theon]

Hello Osk:

 

I am so glad to hear about your improvement.

 

I believe that a day will come when you will be able to work and get enough money, for what I have read from your posts I think you are a highly qualified person.

 

I don't know what you can do about your relationship with your mother... but I think that money will not be a problem for you in some time.

 

Hugs, Theon.

[Laura1981]

(((((hugs)))))

 

I'm sorry things are so difficult with your mother! Parents have such an incredible power over how we feel. Sometimes that can be good, but sometimes it can be really, really bad. 

 

If the relationship with your mother makes you feel so bad that you feel like hanging yourself, I think it's good to keep some distance for a while. Do you think the anger and hurt at the situation may be exacerbated by neuro-emotions? If it is, maybe identifying this will make it a little easier to bear. 

 

I don't think all is lost in the relationship with your mother. Maybe she'll wake up at some stage. Do you know if she is taking anything that may explain her fluctuating behaviour?

 

Keep doing what's best for you. So glad you're healing!  

[bluebalu86]

Hi Osk, thank you for stopping by on my thread and supporting me, I really appreciate it. 

I wish I had some advice to give for the situation with your mom. I'm so sorry she is not understanding and making you feel so bad. 

Like Theon said, you are highly qualified and very capable and when you improve enough, you will have absolutely no problem making enough money. This is just a temporary situation. Hang on my friend, you're healing.

[Altostrata]

apace is right, work at a big corporation probably is not as demanding as you envision. You might give it a try.

 

If I were you, I'd regularize my sleeping pattern by getting up earlier, say 8:30 each day. This gives your body more hours to get tired and, if it works properly, you'll go to sleep earlier.

 

Also, you might use a little melatonin at nightfall and turn off the lights to get the sleep cycle going.

[oskcajga]

apace is right, work at a big corporation probably is not as demanding as you envision. You might give it a try.

 

If I were you, I'd regularize my sleeping pattern by getting up earlier, say 8:30 each day. This gives your body more hours to get tired and, if it works properly, you'll go to sleep earlier.

 

Also, you might use a little melatonin at nightfall and turn off the lights to get the sleep cycle going.

 

This is good advice.  I think a regular sleep cycle has distinct advantages, but I also wonder if sleeping in until 12pm and getting 10+ hours of sleep may be beneficial for my CNS to heal the damage that has been done.  I'm not sure whether or not more sleep accelerates the healing process or not.  I could try waking up at a reasonable hour for a couple of weeks and see how I feel.

 

Unfortunately I didn't get a call back or anything about those jobs I applied for - after speaking with the recruiter I felt rather confident something would happen - but alas they were not interested in me apparently.

 

In regards to the melatonin, I had tried that a long time back and found that it made my trigeminal nerve burn quite badly, and I wasn't able to get any sleep at all.  That was about 1 year ago, so I'm sure my brain doesn't respond the same way.  I suppose I could try a small piece of melatonin - but considering that it's a pineal gland hormone - I do worry about whether or not it will produce a compensatory reduction in my normal melatonin production.

 

 

(((((hugs)))))

 

I'm sorry things are so difficult with your mother! Parents have such an incredible power over how we feel. Sometimes that can be good, but sometimes it can be really, really bad. 

 

If the relationship with your mother makes you feel so bad that you feel like hanging yourself, I think it's good to keep some distance for a while. Do you think the anger and hurt at the situation may be exacerbated by neuro-emotions? If it is, maybe identifying this will make it a little easier to bear. 

 

I don't think all is lost in the relationship with your mother. Maybe she'll wake up at some stage. Do you know if she is taking anything that may explain her fluctuating behaviour?

 

Keep doing what's best for you. So glad you're healing!  

 

I think you're right about staying away - if even for my own safety at this point.  I think that a certain fraction of my anger is indeed neuro-emotion, as I've read it described on this website.  It seems to be originating somewhere outside of my normal emotion range - like a symptom rather than an actual anger.  BUT there's also a lot of legitimate and real anger that I have developed over my mother's callousness, and ignorance of my situation.  The greed, hypocracy, and just overall disrespect for someone who has obviously accomplished a great deal in their life - and then suddenly fell off a cliff - seems very hurtful and betraying to me.  I would understand her reluctance to help or believe me if I was just a screw up kid who never did anything with his/her life, but considering how hard I had worked for so many years - I am obviously a credible person who deserves to be heard out and respected. 

 

It seems she cannot get over the anger over the fact that I moved into my father's house instead of her house - I was supposed to drive across the country and move into her house - but I was still rather psycotic at that point, and seeing "demons" etc, (i.e., irrational fears, and mild hallucinations related to the derealization) - and I thought it would be extremely dangerous for me to be in the same house with a woman that would very quickly drive me to the psych ward and commit me involuntarily.  So I made the reluctant but necessary choice to come stay with my dad (whom she HATES more than anything in the world - my dad is like her sworn enemy and she would sell all of her personal belongings and do anything ANYTHING to make him suffer).  I realized moving in with my dad would piss her off - but I didn't realize she'd basically disown me and completely abandon me and NOT FORGIVE me as a result.  It doesn't help that I came here during christmas - so I was supposed to go to my mom's house, meet her partner's whole family, and we were supposed to have a grand loving time - but instead I didn't tell her and came to my dads house first.   This sort of embaressed her and hurt her very deeply - but she didn't understand WHY - if she understood WHY I did it - she wouldn't be as hurt   I was so messed up when I first came to my dads - I made the best decision I could based on the resources I had available.

 

I'm telling you - the damage that has befallen my family as a result of these psych meds cannot be quantified.  Before the meds, my family was still screwed up - but at least I had a life and a career and they all sort of looked up to me as their example of how good of parents they were.  But after this all happened, and I couldn't function, and lost my brain - things just have consistently fallen apart and deteroirated. 

 

Now my relationship with my mother is at an all time low - but on the other hand my relationship with my father is at a good level. 

 

What I really need is a functional brain again so that I can get back into the world and earn a living - but that doesn't seem to be too likely right now, unfortunately

 

 

Hello Osk:

 

I am so glad to hear about your improvement.

 

I believe that a day will come when you will be able to work and get enough money, for what I have read from your posts I think you are a highly qualified person.

 

I don't know what you can do about your relationship with your mother... but I think that money will not be a problem for you in some time.

 

Hugs, Theon.

 

I sure hope so.  It's truly amazing to me how many problems can be directly and swiftly solved by having enough $ to pay for them :/   You don't even need a lot of money - I got by OK just making the equivalent of 35 grand a year as a grad student - but not having any money makes even small issues turn into life-altering crises.  Not having enough $ can easily make you homeless, worsen your health, and worst of all, increase your stress.  Perhaps health and love and relationships are the only things $ can't buy - but every other single thing I can think of can be purchased for a certain price (and it's usually not that large of a price).

 

 

Hi Osk, thank you for stopping by on my thread and supporting me, I really appreciate it. 

I wish I had some advice to give for the situation with your mom. I'm so sorry she is not understanding and making you feel so bad. 

Like Theon said, you are highly qualified and very capable and when you improve enough, you will have absolutely no problem making enough money. This is just a temporary situation. Hang on my friend, you're healing.

 

Thank's Blue - I hope you're feeling better yourself  

[gemini]

Some people shouldn't have children, especially malignant narcissists. Heal your CNS. That's what I'm doing, holed up in my sister's home. Never mind the job if you can be unemployed for a while lobger. Work will be there, rebound damage from the stressors of work isn't worth the risk in our healing process.