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manymoretodays

☼ manymoretodays: off Adderall

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Petunia
Any comments on protein powder......the whey isolate kind?  Helpful for addicts and withdrawlers?

 

 

Here are a couple of threads relating to protein powders:

 

whey protein isolate

 

Protein causing anxiety?

 

Personally, I can't tolerate whey protein, it increases my symptoms, I have just started using pea protein for my smoothies and I've been ok with that.

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Meimeiquest

I have had the same experiences as Petunia with whey and pea powders

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manymoretodays

Thanks SS. 

 

Yes.....I think the best I can do is try for the lowest dose possible.  Only made it 2 weeks really.  I take approx. 1.25 mg. 3x/day.  Approximate is the best I can do with a bunch of ill cut pills.  Save the equipment for later purposes.  I just had to get out of the worst of it.  I do feel less prone to irritable off the Trileptal.  Could just be a placebo effect but it is better for my spirit.

 

Got Magnesium.......pfft but not citrate......I just wasn't paying attention so can bring that back.  Found some Hyland's calms in a drawer and I think the propanolol I have may be helpful if I really need a calmer.

 

Baby baby steps.......quit beating myself up........

 

Back to affirmations meditation and then maybe do just a bit more than I did yesterday.  Keep it all in perspective.

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manymoretodays

Hmmmm......just saw the other posts on protein powders.  Yikes.........  I guess I will have to carefully observe what happens.......will let you know.  Seems like the blender stuff is just the easiest option for now to get some fruits and veggies in as well as calories......and hate to be protein less in the meantime.  Cooking or other meal preparation is still such a stretch.......

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Altostrata

You may have to ask your doctor for a refill of the Adderall.

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manymoretodays

Yes.....for sure.  The last one was filled on March 31 and my appointment is April 27th so will have to wait until then.  See if I can settle in with the 1.25mg. 3x/day.

 

So nice though......such a nice reprieve from the irritability and even the depression seems lifted some off the Trileptal.  Not sure if I have taken Acyclovir either.......   And going real easy on the L-methyl.   Obviously I am not real sure what I am doing yet but just grateful to be 6 mos. off Lexapro.  No headaches, body aches today of note.  Vision less blurry.

 

I think I did okay on the first protein powder in the blender concoction.  A few tears during interactions with people but nothing like before.  Got thrown off by my son coming over but was able to help him a bit taking care of parking tickets.  So a quiet day today after that.   Still celebrating somewhat my outing of yesterday.  And feeling so much less desperate..... :)

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manymoretodays

Holy hemmeroid. Yup. Painful all last night. ? Spelling. But...can laugh about it. Hylands Calm netted me a nap today and a dream! About food and my boy. So thankful for a bit of happiness. Healing hemmeroid today. Strangely optimistic.

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manymoretodays

AND.......almost forgot......it just comes and goes.  But ode to May 13th.......and for the love of Scott......it has been a whole year now since the suicide of my loved one.  Just taking some happy memories down from a shelf in my brain.  He believed in me.  Kind of feeling the presence a bit.........and you know folks.......we just got to hang on in until it is our natural time........take what comes and all that........not go all crazy with it all.

 

Holy hemorrhoid(just had to check that spelling as last post was from droid).  Holy hemorrhoid and ode to Scott!!! :wub:

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manymoretodays

p.s.  protein powder not agreeable at this time.......just the hemorrhoid is enough details.

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manymoretodays

I think bananas and applesauce will suffice for today.  Water.  Tearful all morning........I mean if one thinks too much about a lot of this stuff it IS sad.  I've got to find my way back to being a little sprig of joy and learn how to roll better with the punches. 

 

Anyway......just coming around to my better mind time of day.  Trying to feel my inner strength and resolve.

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Meimeiquest

I'm sorry. It IS sad! Some people have used baby formula or Ensure-type things when digestion just isn't working.

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Altostrata

TMI here -- I found the injection treatment to work well for hemorrhoids.

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manymoretodays

Sorry for TMI.  I have no idea of what injection treatment is nor means at this point to see any Dr. who would care.  TV and curling up in bed as much as possible.......hoping for hope and life.

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manymoretodays

Posting.  Here.  Slept.  Eating just a little.  The Dr. actually brought my L-methyl to the house yesterday.......so will try just one a day.  I could not talk much nor ask for further help from him.  Not sure anymore when the good times of day occur. 

 

Maybe I can try and venture out tomorrow.  That seemed to help briefly. 

 

This past week it seems like lifetimes have been lived through.......I'm pretty sure that doesn't make much sense but maybe to someone.......

 

So thankful for the rain and icky cool weather and trying to get a grip on silence........maybe the bird songs hold the healing........

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manymoretodays

Really excited about eating some macaroni and cheese soon.  Staying hydrated so this can't be dehydration, but having a bit of a pleasant thought disorder period today.  I never see or hear stuff(well rarely with the hearing stuff) but just have kind of pleasant shifts to this peace and calmness that tells me it will all turn out alright.

 

Hoping the mac and cheese results in a really good nap and when I awake I can watch the final episode of Mad Men.  That old episodes have been playing back to back for my distraction and enjoyment, it has been a Godsend.

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Meimeiquest

I know you're having such a hard time, glad for any peaceful moments you can find!

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manymoretodays

Thank you.

 

Have had some company the last day or so and that helps.

 

I mean I know I can't go back in time to last July or so.......when I jumped from 5mg. of Lexapro(tablet) to 3mg. of liquid, instead of tapering slowly and possibly avoiding the expensive hospitalization.  And I think also that back in Jan. 2014 when the pharmacy switched to yet another generic escitalopram that things started getting harder.  And I know I can't re instate at this 6 mos. point and expect anything(too late).  So have just got to make the best of it somehow.

 

I am not really finding anything significant symptom wise to the stopping of Trileptal that couldn't otherwise be seen as protracted withdrawal from the Lexapro.

 

Really just a victim of the times but so do not want to be a victim. 

 

At least some are hearing me......believing me.......and family may come.......will be brief if so........thinking maybe I should just ask for their travel money, although don't know that one can even buy their way out of this kind of suffering.  But maybe look into that place in Sedona that someone mentioned somewhere here.  If you remember that post please enlighten me.  As I know, I just know that a few weeks of respite, and community would help so much and strengthen me further.

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Altostrata

We do not recommend the Alternative to Meds Center.

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manymoretodays

Copy that and thank you as always........  respectfully MMT

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manymoretodays

May 19th.  Tuesday.

 

Company still here and ready to try being alone again with all of this.  But alas, I do cherish the ones who can just let me be while being here physically.

 

Working on trying to figure out what the birds might be saying to each other in their pleasant chirping......they all seem pretty happy.

 

Witnessed an amazing hailstorm yesterday......brief but kind of an unexpected rarity.  Marble sized hail I would estimate.

 

That's about it.  A few moments of forgetting all about WD symptoms.  Thanks.

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mammaP

Thank you for the update MMT, I love the description of the birds, that kind of thing helps us through the dark days! I'm glad you have been comfortable with your company and getting some relief.  :)

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manymoretodays

Thanks for the note mammaP.

 

I just thought I would mention on that other hemorrhoid thing.  I think I know what the injection method is now Alto.  Also.......happy to report..........  :lol:

 

Out today with company.  Only brief tears after the adderal wore off.  It felt so good to put on some makeup and wash hair and exfoliate.  So.......will work harder on indoor/outdoor wear and getting comfortable with outings on my own.  Everything is soooooo slow now......I mean even with the adderal.    A little bit of head clearing.....comes and goes........ and usually daily something on the internet cracks me up.......I mean I think I will always read things kind of different or backwards or something from the rest........once in awhile anyway but I am sooooo used to it and I do love a good chuckle.

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manymoretodays

I remembered Geodon too last night.  So glad I am clear of atypical antipsychotics.  This just a note to myself so hopefully one day I can sort out all the wild effects I have had from some of the drugs.

 

I don't know how I convinced myself to get out of bed at all today but starting to shift just a bit.  It is gonna be a 3.75mg. day of Adderal for sure.  3 1.25mg. doses.

 

I saw a question above that I didn't answer too.  I used to just take 2.5mg. at about one pm before I had tried to go off it.

 

I am not really a pink person but this color just grabbed me today.

 

Gonna just try and be.  I am worth it.  Pretend maybe that I feel great.

 

Thank you David Letterman.  Last show last night.

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manymoretodays

It seems important to post something daily.

 

Honestly.......I am playing around with both the trileptal and adderal now as I can't seem to stick to records or recording much.  On the adderal I think the highest dose taken is a total of 5mg.   Some days 2.5mg.  Trileptal I just used yesterday.......I tried 2 doses of 150mg.

 

At most a good stretch of a 4 hr. total sleep.  No dreams.  And then often to a semi fugue state for several more hours.

 

State of mind stays pretty relaxed.  Neck and sometimes back pain is difficult but manageable.  Random headaches.

 

Weight loss.  Not good for me........no reason to weigh what I did 3 decades ago.  I wasn't heavy going into this.  I'm sure nobody has some kind of high calorie meal plan with tolerated vitamins and proteins for the simple mind.  I mean I do my best.  Generally by noon I eat something.........banana........maybe a sandwich or cereal.  Dinner is usually whatever.......frozen.........take out.

 

So non the less.  Not panicked.  I was able to do some previously soaking dishes and get them in the dishwasher.  Hoping to put them away and stay on top of them.  Not sure if I will get to the counters.  Or even one load of laundry would be a coup.

 

I think comfortably numb to most of my symptoms is probably a good way to put it.  Headaches sometimes.

 

Not sure anymore if anyone understands this.......me........my whys.  My mother couldn't get how I could not go to see a Dr. for the hemorrhoid.........you know......take action, etc.  After reading some lighter success stories.........I am sure folks get this..........this general "can't see the doctor" thing anymore.

 

My psychiatrist appt. is looming........5 more days.  I am hoping to take somebody with me at least...........I need more adderal for sure.  In tablets that are lower doses.  I am just hoping to be able to stay focused and peaceful.........  I think after the last hospitalization at least they have me pegged more as "ultra drug/medication sensitive" rather than non-compliant.  She is no worse than most psychiatrists.  She was the one who saw me shortly after coming off of MAOI's in maybe the year 2000.  Took me off a mini Zoloft dose from my previous doc and ramped me up with Effexor and Remeron........bipolarized me basically.  Started the first of the antipsychotics.  Now she has me listed as "depression" again........I think that keeps her safe.  And I mean I am safe at this point.  Suicidal ideation gone.  Doing my best to stay alive.

 

I mean I am not going to apologize as I know that you guys get it.........how hard it is to keep records right now and write stuff down.........and get a nice merry(ha ha) organized life going again.  When I think about the other withdrawals that at the time I often didn't even know were withdrawals..........it just seems I would get to a point several mos. in to be a bit more courageous about life and do more of what I consider living vs. this present surviving.

 

Oh the ironic thing of her.  Her Buddhist teachings.  Really helpful sometimes.  But I know she is aware of the harm she has done to many but just can't change her lifestyle, etc.  I don't know.  I could quietly ask if she would be willing to change my diagnosis to  ????  

 

A lot of rambling.  I know.  I had to try.

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manymoretodays

Oh yeah......Just remembered.  I am going to try and go back on my hormones when they come in the mail........finally got the prescription updated.  Maybe that will help with my sleep. 

 

I will keep you posted.

 

Sometimes it helps me to think that there really is a reason for this kind of life mess up.......that I will figure it out.

 

Anyway......it was just happenstance that I went off them......ran out, took ages to get the script to the compounding pharmacy..........

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manymoretodays

I don't know.......anybody got any ideas for self discipline?  I mean like should I pick just one small thing for tomorrow and then praise myself like never before.  I can see I am getting lost in staying lost.

 

My company/family member is leaving tonight and I don't want to get lost in the helpless, can't take care of myself deal.

 

I did get an angel to go with me to the psychiatrist next week.  The driving alone would have been stressful and I need someone to time the visit as well......so I don't go over 20 minutes.......otherwise I get stuck with a $45.00 co pay.

 

I am pretty sure it would be non-sensical for me to go back on any amount of Lexapro after now 7 mos. off.  Correct?  And I can't imagine Prozac in any quanity.......it was one of my first meds. some 27 yrs. ago and the memory of how much worse I felt on it would deter me.

 

And is this too crazy that I bumped off the Trileptal other than 150mg. here or there?  It sure helped me almost 2 weeks ago when the internal agitation came on.

 

Yowser........self doubt and worry coming on........but also I think as the hour of 6pm comes........I get some clearing.  Not really brain fog.......just a general disconnect feeling.

 

Okay thanks...........

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manymoretodays

Poof......just remembered I need to call my therapist and set up a time for probably a phone visit.  I think she said last time she would still talk with me.............

 

So......I have that to do.

 

I also generally talk to the warm line here every couple of days at least.......of course they are part of a general mental health system and no one can relate to withdrawal but it is a good test of me just being able to shoot the breeze and stay upbeat and positive which sometimes requires a mental shift.

 

Sometimes the tears start up after the 3pm 1.25 mg. adderal........but not as bad as before.

 

I just want my brain back!!!!  I will now imagine the neuroplasticity taking place at this very moment in time.........shift, shift, new healthy connections, etc.  And poof......cured.  :D   Actually I like the word healing over recovery now.

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manymoretodays

Good morning.

 

Getting back on my bioidenticals x2 nights now has helped with sleep I think.  But I don't really know anything about anything so maybe it is just placebo effect.

 

Eating, appetite, cleaning, organization, trying a little harder seems to be all in the toilet.  All or any of those things that seem important to just sustaining life.

 

No real suicidal ideation but now usually in the morning hours I just feel ready........oh so ready......for some system to just give out completely on it's own and take me from this kind of existance.  I mean no plans to hasten death.  One doesn't make plans when they are in this state.

 

I imagine I will live to get to my psychiatrist appointment next week.  I am not strong anymore.  I may just take whatever she offers and hope for the best.  I don't know what else to do.  I've got plenty of cut up pills of adderal.  And I honestly, at this moment..........don't feel like I am up to going into the pharmacy myself........so best to be on stuff that others can pick up for me.

 

Prayers please and some divine intervention.

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manymoretodays

Toying with the idea of the hospital again.........next week.

 

I don't know why the long weekend got to me.  I need a caregiver and that is unrealistic. 

 

And encouragement.

 

I guess I need to fold on any efforts of being free of psycho meds.  Too old.  Too weak.

 

May I wrap my head around it all and be somehow healthily mentally ill for life dependent on the ever changing meds.

 

May God be with me. 

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Fresh

Sending blessings MMT ,  you really will get through this , even though it doesn't always feel like it.

 

I used Sustagen in warm milk every day when I was sick - easy on the tum and replaces one healthy meal.

You might try anusol , or scheriproct ointment from the pharmacy.

 

Do you have people who can do some shopping for you?

 

xxx   Fresh

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LoveandLight

Yes keep going..

 

I'm sorry you feel so bad xxx

 

Big hugs xx

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Altostrata

If anything, I would get another prescription for Adderall so you can reinstate and taper properly.

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manymoretodays

Yup.  I'll see if the shrink remembers what I was on when I came out of the hospital.  And get either 2.5mg. tabs or 5mg.  The thing is today I took 1.25mg. but somehow am all speeded up in not a good way.  Brainstem amygdala effects with nothing to do with much of any thing that would rationally trigger that. 

 

And holy torpedos I am begging for a tranquilizer aka antipsychotic or atypical.  Short term and maybe I will be more chill by Dr. Day and I won't feel the need.

 

And Lord this stuff, this withdrawal ugha is ugly......mean.........bad.

 

Insomnia with a bite........urrgh.  Had it out with God verbally.  Paced.  300 now of trileptal and a very mild beer.

 

Sleep is coming don't ya know.

 

Thankyou for Aussie food suggestions.  We have instant breakfast and ensure here.  Twas dinner.  And yah.......trying to see if my ex will do it and create a healthy menu for me.  Or Merlene.  I need to feel a little more chill to calm and in some manner that appeals to others...........make assignments.  Spread it out amongst a few.  People react to this bad energy........I don't want to burn anyone out.    Ready to put an ad somewhere for a live in human caretaker but my trust issues preclude this.  This said in a humorous way.  But honest......all these pervasive fears about my safety and folks taking advantage of me.

 

Anyway........I have been trying to reach out today.......I feel a bit too dramatic about it though.  Will see what happens. 

 

Thankyou LoveandLight.

 

Did I say something about Divine Intervention already.  Or was that when I spoke to God.   Anyway.......you guys are Divine Intervention tonight.  Don't let it go to your heads or anything but I am finally calming and was tickled to have replies.  A few moments of relief.

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manymoretodays

Ooops....just saw that on anusol and something else.  However.........I am happy to report that the hemorrhoid is history.  All better.  Elimination intact.

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LoveandLight

I won't let it go to my head haha :D

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westcoast

Hi MMT,

 

I just read your thread. I had quite a time with Adderall and Ritalin and I think I know where your head was at in your earliest messages. I could barely read or type. Paying bills, even turning on a radio were just not possible.

I didn't know how I impaired I was, but I knew this was a different way of life. Looking back, I wish I had just stayed in bed and done nothing but make sure I was nourished and that my bills were paid. There was also some Effexor withdrawal in the mix, and I ended up having minor seizures, and then an EEG. I was told that I had intractable epilepsy. It was that bad! I didn't know how to get proper care and basically just rode it out [with life complications]. It was two years ago.

I don't see any reason to push yourself to do anything but be safe and warm and fed. I was putting too much pressure on myself until a few months ago, when I dropped some activities and decided I didn't have to accomplish anything impressive ever again, unless I wanted to and it didn't add time- and performance pressures to my days.

On the 18, your posts started to come back together. Did you notice that? Did anything special happen just before that?

 

I don't know anything about Lexapro so I won't try to answer that. About Trileptal..one side effect I just saw on drugs.com was rectal bleeding, just FYI.

 

And on that note...

 

I hope you have a restful morning.

 

WC

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