☼ manymoretodays: off many years of many medications

[manymoretodays]

Okay.....same day.......and better attitude as far as accepting my outlook with joy and no stress.  In other words.......still not sure what the heck I am doing most of the time.......it is getting clearer though what needs to happen first.

 

I actually had a great nap and then some clarity of thinking.  Monday......monday........and I will strive for a more organized, disciplined work week of the kind that doesn't pay.  While staying relaxed and accepting my feelings as they come.

 

Expectations again........pfffft.........and a little thrown sometimes by my still a bit too co-dependancy with my adult son.  I saw him yesterday and am happy he relies on me for rides sometimes when he is off from work........also thrown by my current relationship(shouldn't be a struggle and I think we are on the good side again....we'll see) with a male.  It's just so nice to have someone who can turn my frown upside down within a half an hour or so usually and gets it.......... with the exception of having one of those male brains that can only comprehend minimally female brain thinking and feeling.  None the less, probably won't journal much here on the BF anymore.  Probably will journal more on the dear adult son though.......because it helps.  He had just spent 3 days in the city with his friends' and still gave off the alcohol odor.  At least he was headed home to dear exe's house to sleep and shower and go to work today.  And was fairly kind and patient with his dear Mum, me.

 

Signing off,

organized and disciplined somewhat for the rest of today..........hard to do with the day at a time mentality.........for me anyway..........I AM pushing 60 years in age ya know!!

 

mmt

[manymoretodays]

Ugh.  I am sick......physically.........ugh.  Post nasal stuff is now in my chest and rash on my right arm(of the itchy red blotchy type......though improving).  My sage reaction on my outer left ear is improved.

 

Anyway.......ugh.  As I said outloud yesterday to someone on the phone.........I sure can deal with the mental/emotional/feeling stuff better than this.  I did make some headway with phone calls and getting some stuff done right I hope.  Money and certification stuff..........not without some emotion though........especially on the money front......

 

Took a day. 

 

Going out today again though........otherwise I be stuck in the head.......in the sand.......with my internal committees having endless debates.............AND I don't really think I am all that infectious at this time.

 

Here is to healing!!!

 

And anybody have any great tips for improving my immune function.........foodwise preferred as I take a slew of supplements.  I think the rash is more sensitivity/allergy stuff flaring up.......tis the season change and all.........

 

Best and ugh,

 

mmt

 

p.s. slept well last night.........doing a bit of a dance that that will continue!!

[manymoretodays]

Well........Lord knows what I am going to do tonight with my oxcarb/trilept dose??  It's been 2 weeks since I last went down 10%. 

 

Factors that I consider are ease of measurement, what the last 2 weeks have been like, how badly that I want off the stuff altogether, and what I have right in front of me to accomplish to stay the course.......on track.........with my general plan/no plan life management and improvement/progress course.

 

10% would be grand because it would consist of just a decrease of .2 on my oral syringe........decimal point 2 decrease down from the 2 milliliter or cc(whichever you prefer)..........twice a day.

 

Stay tuned.....

 

Yah.......I will probably go for it but sometimes things change in the course of a day.  In anycase.........Sunday morning here in the desert mountain SW of the somewhat United States and you all know how much I usually love and find peace on a Sunday.  Hoping you do too!

 

mmt

 

p.s. still somewhat under the weather physically but almost back to par.......and truly hoping that is it for viral/whatever infectious upper respiratory infectious stuff for me for this fall/winter!!!

[manymoretodays]

Pretty flatline day emotionally........and energy is zapped.

 

Nonetheless........made it on out, did all the hygiene.......and fairly up to date.  I think a nap is in order.

 

I'm just going to study my anti- inflammatory cookbook and go with that for increasing immunities........quite certain that my cigarette habit needs to go soon as well........probably the reason for the lingering cough.  Arm stuff is improved........probably just dry skin.........coconut oil and vaseline gave the best relief........as well as oatmeal bath stuff applied for 20 minutes or so.  My sleep last night was pretty fleeting as well.......not very restful. 

 

Ah well.......27mg. total of the oxcarbazepine/trileptal and in the first 24 hours of it.

 

Generally just blah.  Blivet.  Tomorrow will be much bettah!

 

Zzzzzz.

 

mmt

[manymoretodays]

Just wiling away my a.m. hours today, Sunday.  Thankful for small favors.......like Sunday. 

 

Hopeful for a burst of energy or daily window.........it usually comes if I don't push it.

 

Maybe a newspaper later......maybe not.  Reading doesn't seem to be my forte(and I hope that is correct usage of that word or you get the gist).

 

Got some financial stuff worked out at the end of the week, last.  I think it will be good enough to decrease some of my dis-ease that comes and goes.  Just have to wait for checks and then transfer of one check.

 

I think I will try for a bit more rest........then again, I may continue to surf the site.

 

best,

 

mmt

[Altostrata]

MMT, you're sounding so much better than when you came here!

 

Did you look into possible food sensitivities? Some people react subtly to lactose, nightshades, oxalates, or other classes of foods. This can cause chronic internal distress and sometimes manifest as skin outbreaks.

 

Reducing the cigarettes seems a good idea in general.

[manymoretodays]

Yah......thankful for much progress.

 

No........on looking into possible food sensitivities as yet.  My skin outbreak was in tandem with some viral upper respiratory thing.......now better.   Both the arm rash and itchy ness and the upper respiratory thing are better.  Yes, I will put looking into possible food sensitivities on my list though.........someday.  Better yet would be to keep a food journal of some type I suppose.  Maybe I can do that.

 

Yes, on the cigarettes too........on reducing them at the very least.

 

Getting there........

 

Thankyou Alto.  It does indeed help to have others reassure me that I AM on the right path and improving.

 

best,

 

mmt

[scallywag]

mmt ... reducing the cigarettes is a good idea, as you've said.  Please do this gradually if you can. Nicotine is a CNS stimulant; who knows what drastic reductions or a cold-turkey would cause for you.

[manymoretodays]

Yup.......getting back down to old intake after a bit of an increase there.............post weed and alcohol I guess or something...........who really knows anymore? 

 

I kind of go with the 1 cigarette equals 1mg. of nicotene rule........as far as then.......... perhaps(and some days I do) some days using nicotene substitutes.  So many other toxins in actual cigarettes though..........hope, hope, hope............that those won't be the end of me.  And........I am presently adverse to those electronic devices that so many use now.........seems stupid.........I'll work my way to chewing on straws or wheat grass or something..........ha.............maybe. 

 

Anyway........thanks for posting on my introduction today Alto and scallywag.  Never alone........no, not me..........what with all my qualities(dual at times) and all.  Seasons change and so do I...........something to that effect.

 

Thank you.

 

bout time to go hug a tree or something for me now........maybe.........    The weather still peaks around 70 degrees Celsius by noonish and for awhile after and that is definitely nice.........balanced with definitely more darkness/night now.  It's okay though.

 

mmt

[Altostrata]

How are the windows these days? Amazing to see you're down to a tiny 27mg oxcarbazepine.

[scallywag]

Amazing that you're surviving in 70 degrees Celsius.

[manymoretodays]

How are the windows these days? Amazing to see you're down to a tiny 27mg oxcarbazepine.

 

I pretty much rely on them.........the windows.........that they will return shortly and maybe that has made a difference?  I mean.......I think I have been in one since June ish as most of my wavish-ness passes in a day or less..........I don't get stuck for days and weeks like I used to.  Or I have learned to go with the emo stuff and then move on.  The physical is definitely reduced.  I can't imagine pacing now.........although I do stand a lot rather than sit.........or sitting for too long is difficult for me.  I can do an hour maybe tops.............and then only need get up and do a stretch or something and I can sit again.

 

Sleep is weird still.......and with each decrease gets weird and then kind of settles.  I mean the season is changing too and biorhythms.........weird to wake at 8am, not 6........sometimes I just stay in bed now until the natural light comes on.  So I get to sleep later too in the night and am adjusting to more activity later in the day.

 

Then the foot-lower leg and hand falling asleep thing still occurs, without tingling though...........I do a lot of shake it all about sometimes.......lol..........or just stomping or fist pumping? 

 

Less cortisal(?sp)/panic type stuff too, although I do from time to time get "on one".........kind of obsessive hyperfocus stucked ness.  Improved though........improved is good enough sometimes........ and learning to hold my words/tongue........not always........but sometimes I can.

 

So yes.........windows are wonderful.  Thanks for asking.

 

Tis amazing, the 27mg. now.............wahoo, yahoo, oooghabooga............AND 2yrs. out from the Lexapro, over a year from the salts...........and yup do a little dance Alto dear.........we are celebrating and pretty joyful and happy, right??

 

mmt

[manymoretodays]

Amazing that you're surviving in 70 degrees Celsius.

 

It's tough scally........I have to really brave it some days just to get out the door and into nature.  Rain this am though.  Weird having more water in this desert/mountain climate but we have lately.   It all could switch too in a day around here.  Next I may report 3 feet of snow.......who knows?

[Altostrata]

Very happy to hear you're doing better. I added our cheerful "here comes the sun" symbol

☼

to the title of your Intro topic, to show you're recovering.

Please continue to let us know how you're doing. I hope you will add your story to our Recovery Success Stories eventually!

[brassmonkey]

70 degrees Celsius equals 158 degrees Fahrenheit  You'd be living in quite a desert. Hotter than any place on earth. lol I think you made a typo.  

 

It's great to hear that other wise you're doing well.

 

(((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))

 

Brass 

[manymoretodays]

Oh wow Alto.......not sure if I am a "here come the sun symbol" yet.  Not totally off the oxcarbazepine.  Just the fact that I can spell it is huge though in comparison to where I once was.    Can I still add to my introduction when I need too?  And.......oh........wow!  Thank you.  And I will......be honored........to........add my story........ to the Recovery Sucess Stories eventually.  Honored.  (gratitude tears insert)

 

And big whoops brassmonkey.......I kind of wondered if I had that Celsius thing right........doh.........doh..........doh..........    sheesh, I am not really all that blonde either.  Thank you so much for your enlightenment......lol..........whoops......oops.......doh again!!!  I am definitely no scientist!!!!

 

best,

 

mmt      

[manymoretodays]

Soooo.  I met a young man yesterday.  He said he had been suicidal.  He checked himself in to some form of treatment center.  They handed him five pills.  He wasn't told what they were, what they did, why they were given to him.  He goes to his sleeping spot.  He is scared of his roommate at first.  Then he goes on out and meets the others there.  That is when he begins to feel better, feel accepted, warm on up to his roommate, warm on up to life again in general..........perhaps wanting to continue on.

 

Soooo.........what's with the 5 pills?  I mean what were they even?  Why?

 

Soooo........now he goes for a few weeks daily, back to the treatment center for some daily stuff.......therapy, community, staying alive skills I suppose.

 

Oh yah........he suffers some ulcers and other physical ailiments.  And had been downing quite a bit of Tequila but had stopped with that some time prior.

 

I hope they teach stress management.........whatever that means.........and how to relax and just be..........and how to accept himself.............how to be part of a community...........

 

For some reason I just felt like sharing that.

 

I mean where do we begin?  Or continue?  What am I being called to do?

 

For today........it's off to the city..........therapy appointment...........it's just once a month now...........then a meeting to see what others are doing.........what's new and what's available for some.  A walk or swim.  Avoid the bahama mama hotdogs and Pepsi which has been my early dinner for 2 days now.  Smile, be kind, drive carefully and pay attention.

 

Yesterday my funky doodle car machine's thermometer read 72 degrees,  That's Fahrenheit people!!!!!!!

 

And on we go..........

 

Fondly,

 

mmt

[manymoretodays]

Kind of a "brother where art thou" kind of day today.........and struggling.  Gratitude that the struggle is not as intense as it once was and feeling sound enough of spirit, mind, and body.

 

A nice couple rounds in the sweat lodge on Sunday.  The baby shower went okay but was terribly sad for several reasons.  The main one being that........yes, there were some rsvp's............but no one showed up at all.  Very sad for another person and I am humbled by my own complaining...........yet.........sometimes life is like that, no one 2 legged creature shows up when we only THINK we really need them to...........  Casper is good and with me always.  On the other side of that coin, my hope lies in the millennials and babies now being born........that this world will one day be a better........oh, so much better place.

 

I am so feeling.......so ready to be put out to pasture somewhere........give it up..........just my previous hopes of anything career or loving relationship with the opposite sex.  I mean just today........just today I feel like that.........so it's okay.

 

Working on getting records for both myself and faxed or sent to Dr. Grace from my psychiatrist.  Hopefully they will copy my credit card there.  That is something that her receptionist told me must be done.........and no, I'm not feeling good about that.  Maybe I can just send cash or a check to them........to be filled in after I arrive there or something.  I don't know.  I may not go.  Just my feeling today.  It's kind of a bleak one........today.  I may just get on out to return a DVD later, get some supplies.........eat.........get clear of this headache.......brush my teeth.......bare minimum.

 

Thanks if you read and yah, keep rooting for me/we.......

 

All my best,

 

mmt

 

 

........4th paragraph above......."Working on getting my records........"

 

Well......darn.........good thing I canceled the appointment with Dr. Grace Jackson in AZ.  I called my shrinks office last week and was told he(receptionist) was just getting ready to fax those.  They would have arrived AFTER my appointment there.  And I did note the appointment date on the request and release that I had to sign.  It's been 2 months now!!!!!

 

Then.......when I asked about the copy for me..........once again.........nothing yet........he has to check with the shrink????!!!!!!!  And.........of course.........I was told that she might cut out any therapy type notes before I would get them.......this from the same receptionist.  I told him last time I did not approve of that idea but so much for that.........not a thing I can do I suppose.

 

I will call again next week on this and I did leave a message with the office manager that I thought that this was all just a little..........a bit too much..........unacceptable.

 

Moral of the story: expect nothing from your previous providers as far as any helpfulness in gathering your own history of medications together.

 

And life goes on.......grateful for the extended fall here and the possibility of winterizing my yard right.  Grateful for the time change.........kind of like an extra hour for today and Lord knows I need it.  Grateful that elections will be over soon and hopeful that the people in my country are, as a majority smart enough, to not vote one horrible candidate in.  If you are a U.S. citizen........please vote.  Okay.  Thanks.

 

Otherwise my life feels a bit messy right now.  This whole learning to feel certain about unknowns and peaceful about it.  Sure am thankful for my friend, who is a man........but is not my boyfriend.........well, maybe he is kind of my best friend...........and a good kind helper when I get stuckish.  I do struggle a bit in my continuing growth, healing, and all that.  It sure is a different and much better kind of struggle than it once was though..........I think it is called Life 101.........maybe the preliminary to that even.........so all is well........enough.

 

Happy, happy, peaceful Sunday to you all.

 

manymoretodays

[scallywag]

I had to get medical records from doctors several years ago. Two were extremely helpful, the office staff in the other one was in a word, obtuse.

 

It's your legal right to have complete, unedited copies of your medical records. It may not be worth the energy now to fight about it. But when you have the energy and if you want to get them, do so.

[manymoretodays]

I'll be following up by phone early this week.  So.....thanks scally.  That's a good way to put it and just throw it out there at the receptionist or office manager........" I believe it IS my legal right to have complete unedited copies of my medical records".  As well as " I believe that you overlooked the date of my appointment in AZ. and that is just not satisfactory".  I did leave a msg. to that effect with the office manager.  Not expecting any apologies however.

 

As much as I liked one of the receptionists........I don't really care to be their doormat any longer.  Or whether they "like" me or not.

 

Nah.....I won't fight them........I may take a walk with my lawyer friend though soon and see what she thinks.........Lol.    Otherwise I like to think I practice living gratitude.  And still do wish to do a final appt. with this shrink when I have articles and stuff copied for her with hopes she might read and pass on my story.  She is nearing retirement age too.........what has she got to lose now?

 

[manymoretodays]

Nope.  No dice on any "unedited" records.  I got a call Monday from the shrink herself.  Oh......she's been busy and is still busy and sometime in the unknown future I will get a summary letter of some sort.  She claimed HIPPA(wow did that idea ever go sour) would keep her from giving me direct access to any of her psychotherapy notes.  Those were just for her she says.  And of course she is busy, busy all the time and I have 2 thick charts there that she must review and summarize.

 

Did I thank her.  No.  Did she apologize.  No.  It was all a bit upsetting really.  I asked her a few questions.  Told her I would be back for a final appointment someday.

 

Have you ever wanted to kick somebodies Buddhist butt?     Oh.......the irony of my own living gratitude.

 

Peace on out and Lordy, lordy...........universal goodwill and intentions for all I say.

 

mmt

[manymoretodays]

I am having a tough time.  Hopefully a bit better tomorrow.

 

As when I first arrived.......just some universal good intentions.  I'm going to try and focus and send some outward too.

 

Life stuff I guess.  I wasn't prepared........

[brassmonkey]

((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))

[manymoretodays]

Thanks (((((brassmonkey))))).

 

Settling a bit.  Accepting.  Floating.

 

I don't know.........change of season stuff on a few levels.  Got enough money.  Roof over my head.  Food to eat.  Family.  Friends.  Plenty to keep on striving for.

 

I have to go get a boatload of Epsom salts and some more Omega 3's today.  Keeping it simple.  Gratitude month too!  Amazing what a little trip on out to the store will do sometimes.  And hoping for yoga tonight.  One foot in front of the other.........even if I just lay on my mat a lot..........

 

Gotta go collect my 6 mos. chip when I am in my happy place today or tomorrow.  I think at a mere 6 mos. I can probably get away with just saying "thankyou".

 

We had a brushing of snow and wind.  Colder temperatures too.  It is honestly about time!!!

 

best,

 

mmt

 

Keep going everybody..........just hang in there when you need to........stuff passes on out and a new day arrives every time.

[brassmonkey]

Congratulations on the  month chip.

[manymoretodays]

6 months.  The chip.  Turquoise or teal colored.  I had a lot of help thus far.  Seems the right way to go.

[AliG]

Hey ManyMoreTodays !  We haven't spoken in a while.  Glad to see you " floating ".  Lots of gratitude.    That's always a plus although sometimes hard to muster up at times. Well done, you.   What are you struggling with right now ?

Sending much love and light.

Alison. 

[manymoretodays]

Thank you Alison.

 

Trying on the gratitude and grace today.  Words fail me.

 

Hanging in.

[manymoretodays]

Anyway........more later.  I have to clean up around my computer.  I got some strange script going just now.  Twice.  Receipts and things hitting the buttons I think.  And I think I can pull out of this funk.

 

I am doing okay.  Pretty happy really.  Grateful for a thousand things and more.  That's my story today and I am going to stick with it.

 

Happy Thanksgiving to all.........much gratitude from me to you.

 

fondly,

 

mmt

[manymoretodays]

Well, just reporting that I am still in it.  This unreal place again of being.  Several factors I think went into the shift.

 

Doing the best I can with it.

 

Unable to articulate much at this time.

 

mmt

[manymoretodays]

I stopped the oxcarbazepine/trileptal completely on December 9th.  So that makes today officially day 9 of this latest adventure.

 

If no improvement after 2 weeks off I probably will reinstate half of my last dose and just not do the am dose at all.  But I don't want to.  If I can get on out and distract often enough I think I can keep going.  I am just pretty disorganized and all that.........not nearly as bad as when I first got here though.

 

I am not feeling like I am in a window anymore but it is not the worst of the waves either.  I started slipping into more wavishness in early November before stopping the oxcarb............soooooo, as always, don't do as I do or have done......

 

That's about it from me.  I'll keep you posted. 

 

Wishing peace and joy and above all..........healing

 

Love,

 

mmt

[manymoretodays]

I am holding up pretty darn well.  Definite cognitive and writing limitations.  Way less exercise and meetings.  Some kind of special grace in this season for sure as I am staying pretty relaxed and optimistic.

 

I stopped that smidgen of Armour thyroid I was taking since late July too.  Looked at my labwork from then and the results weren't too far off the norm........sooo.....I just figured it was transient.  Sleep is pretty good.  Body aches and stuff is minimal to moderate and sometimes not at all.  Brief changes in mood.......nothing drastic.  Not a whole lot of motivation........but hey.........it is okay for a time............and somehow have been granted this special time and means to just be healing/recovering.  I have to check the really dire thoughts sometimes but am able to.  I'm not bedridden or anything nor pacing.  I can read for awhile.  I don't watch much tv and find a lot of space in silence.  Weird but it's working out okay.  I am hibernating.

 

 

Peace and goodwill to all and all our relations(said in the spirit of Christmas and baby Jesus)

 

Love,  mmt

[direstraits]

sounds like you're doing quite well, mmt.

 

wishing you peace and healing through the holidays...love, ds

[AliG]

 ManyMoreTodays.  Wishing you a very joyous Xmas. 

[manymoretodays]

You too Alison!!!  Joy, peace, and above all healing!

[manymoretodays]

Still optimistic.  I mean do I have a choice?  I guess I do and optimistic is what I choose.  I honestly don't know if it's from the end of the trileptal/oxcarbazepine........just guessing that has something to do with how I am now..........it's so hard to describe it...........  Almost a month off of it completely now.

 

Not at all feeling like my better self and hopeful this will pass soon.  Sleep goes well enough but ALOT of the cog fog.  Weak.  It's pretty cold here too and it just feels like I never quite acclimated to winter this year.  Managing to pay bills........and eat enough, my weight isn't dropping(which is good for me).  Not seeking medical care or psychological care.........even though I do get hit with this or that hopefully hypochondriac worries from time to time.

 

I honestly feel like some kind of hibernating bear.  It's cold and I am feeling it this year...........I don't think it will prove to be one of my more active winters.  Surely I hope my body is healing and doing some neuroregeneration and intuitively I know I just can't push right now beyond a certain amount.  The basics are just getting slightly easier.........but a lot of normal stuff just feels foreign at times.

 

I can read okay and do laugh and lighten on up on occasion..........just in this weird.......hopefully passing state......... I'm calm enough and accepting enough, which must be good enough for now.

 

Just being with another understanding human is the best.........and I am truly blessed with a great friend now who seems to dote on me and is accepting of me.........my most recent angel I guess I will say.  He's not here all the time or even that often but is so perfectly what I need.

 

Oh.......the holidays..........were..........restful.........peaceful..........though, I swear.........next year better!!

 

My son is doing well with his work and the right attitude and I am proud of him.  Not sure when I will go visit my Mum.........hopefully when I can turn some kind of corner. 

 

This is just weird..........like I am in some foreign country.......... called my life........... yet know that this too.......will pass.  Quite a switch from say.........what I remember feeling and being last October(hope that makes sense).

 

Not a great update........just keeping it simple.........I have to    So...........it's been about 2 months now of a ?wave.........lower energy and activity............my emotions are more level though.........

 

Best to all.  If anyone relates........please post what helps you on through or if you have gotten past this stage......and how or was it just patiently waiting it out?  I keep wondering if I should start some new supplement or something in my diet.........then think, maybe this is okay............for now.  Taking a lot less epsom salt baths because I am pretty relaxed most of the time and not in a lot of pain either..........I also stopped the small amount of Armour thyroid after looking at my last lab results and it wasn't really changing anything.  I don't know...........I am open to any ideas if anyone reads this and has any........

 

many......more........todays............