Jump to content

Recommended Posts

servadei

I have severe derealization and depersonalization. I feel terror. I have never been this scared. I think I'm going crazy.

Share this post


Link to post
servadei

I don't make sense. My room doesn't make sense. People don't make sense. World doesn't make sense? Who am I and why do I exist? Is this some kind of a cruel joke? What exactly am I doing here just..existing. Existing in some cruel unnatural way. I don't want to die I want to stop being.

 

This feels like big black hole with no exit signs anywhere.

I don't think this is DP/DR anymore. Maybe I'm in hell... Maybe I went crazy a long time ago and I don't remember so I'm living in illusion now.

 

I don't even know what to ask you. Relaxation tips? Distraction tips? Lol no. I don't even know why I'm writing this. Maybe I'm hoping somebody is going to write something like "Oh, this is DP/DR and you're going to get through this" and then I would feel some reloef for a split second, but my life would continue falling through this black hole with no end.

 

I don't know.

Share this post


Link to post
manymoretodays

It certainly could be withdrawal.........and it is definitely suffering.  You are going to get through this.  Maybe it is DP/DR......what do you think?

 

Some of these "extreme states" are tough but I promise that your life will not continue falling through the black hole without end..........can you believe that?

 

Have you eaten today?  Gotten outside in nature if at all possible?  Do you have shelter?

 

I hope that helped.

 

Have you started an intro. topic?  Are you looking for help with getting off your med.?  That's a good place to start.  Go to the "read this first" section and it will tell you how to start an intro. if you haven't already.  Also it will tell you how to create a further signature like what is below my post as that helps us all support and help you better.  Also there is a section on symptoms and self care where you might find some helpful stuff too.

 

There also is a poetry section in off topics.......it often helps me with expression.

Share this post


Link to post
servadei

Yes I did. As you see I'm so confused I actually posted this on the wrong forum.

I'm off meds for a month now. Funny that you mentioned poetry. I felt like a wrote a song after reading what i've posted haha. I never had that talent in me though.

I've gotten out today-went with my dad to the store. I drink tea and exercise a bit. I really try hard at making myself better but today nothing helped. I really feel discouraged.

Share this post


Link to post
Skyler

Serv... these posts belong with your intro thread, so I have moved them here from the Find Meaning forum.

 

You probably are not getting as many responses as you would like because you are repeating the same question over and over and people do not know what else to say.  What you are doing is buying into your fear... you are believing your own 'press' so to speak... you think if withdrawal causes you so much anxiety it must be as bad as it seems... but you are having neuro-emotions...in other words, your emotions are being driven by withdrawal.  Your anxiety, which is manifesting in DR and DP, has no more power in reality than you choose to give it.  As things stand now, you are falling victim to your own feelings of helplessness.  You badly need to distract yourself.

 

We have repeatedly tried to help you on this forum, but you need more than we can provide.  We are setup to give advice on how to taper.  We do not provide psychotherapy and the forum is not suitable for that purpose. You need to find a counselor in the real world, someone you can see in person. 

 

I do not want to make you even more anxious, but as things stand now, it seems our replies have done nothing more than validate your anxiety.  You can handle this, but you need more help than we can provide.

Share this post


Link to post
servadei

Yes..this post was ment for other forum. I know all this. And I know you want the best for members. And I am aware I badly need relief so I post this stuff, altough this last post really wasn't for this forum.

 

I'll try to be more positive so I'll post only improvements from now on. Like that time i had a window.

I started drinking more tea and water. And I exercise a bit. I try to get out of house as much as possible. I'm grateful for my understanding family and friends, and I hope everybody has at least one good person in their lives. I'm moving to Ireland on Monday so that could be something that feeds my fear. This is my rational thinking. Socializing is also important even if I don't feel human I know one thing for sure. I'm still living and time is still passing by. Also-suicidal thoughts improved since Miss M. came (altough 'she' was delayed by stress, she came so that means my organism is still working very good and that my health is okay).

Would you happen to have any good weight gain tips? Since drinking this, and now coming off I can't go above 41 kgs. My goal is 45. So if anybody has an advice it would be great. :)

Share this post


Link to post
Skyler

Glad to hear you will work on being more constructive.  On appetite... Look thru the Symptoms and Self-Care forum.  This thread is there, but there will be others relevant to your interest as well.

Share this post


Link to post
servadei

Okay. Will do! Now I'm logging off. I'm trying to be more in the world and less on the internet!

Share this post


Link to post
Altostrata

Moving could definitely ramp up anxiety.

 

Learning how to do meditative breathing can help you get through the rough spots rather than focusing and amplifying any anxiety you feel, which isn't good for you or your nervous system.

Share this post


Link to post
Theon

Why are you moving to ireland?, are you going alone for studies? or with your family?

 

Do you have the drive and the interest to read, watch movies, see friends, etc?, in other words, are you also suffering from apathy? Because apathy makes it more difficult to think about other stuff other than your symptoms but if you don't have apathy then take advantage of it and distract yourself as much as you can.

 

Anyways, good luck with your moving to Ireland, I hope your fear eases soon.

 

Your fear/anxiety reminds me of what I suffered before prozac, now I am too emotionally numb for that lol

Share this post


Link to post
servadei

Alto, I tried that but I always fail. And sometimes, breathing can't help anything because I suffer from DP/DR more than anxiety, I'm not even having panic attacks.

 

Theon, I'm going to live with my uncle. I was really happy when he invited me and I couldn't wait...but now it's just fear. I'm really afraid to leave my dad..which I normally wouldn't plus I'm an adult now. I guess those are that neuro-emotions everyone's talking about and separation anxiety.

 

I don't really have a drive for anything but I make myself to prove I'm still 'normal'. I don't feel apathy, but I definitely don't feel emotions like I used. And I definitely don't feel good emotions. So I feel apathy towards things I used to love/like but I'm definitely feel fear, hopelesness etc.

Share this post


Link to post
servadei

Oh and shouldn't apathy ease symptoms. Like if you don't care about anything you shouldn't care about symptoms also?

 

Oh and thank you, I think my fear is going to grow until I sit on that plane.

Share this post


Link to post
Vonnegutjunky

Servadei- your symptoms are exactly like the ones I had- the exact symptoms- so please remember you are not alone- those weird scary unreal, feelings are just like mine-

 

Sometimes I would just lay in my sofa and stare because I felt so bizarre and strange I thought I would disappear -

 

The feelings are awful, so awful, but they will get less- we all feel like that - like others can't understand - but everyone on here has felt just like you at one time -

I played a lot of video games and watched a lot of TV - it helped a bit -

Xo

Share this post


Link to post
Theon

Yes, apathy eases emotional symtoms, that's true. Sometimes I wonder if I am lucky to be emotionally numb so I don't suffer from anxiety anymore, but apathy at the same time makes everything harder, because of the lack interest for things, etc

 

Many times apathy is like a pretection response to not feel so much fear, hopelessness, etc, so I think that when your anxiety and fear gets lower, you will start having good feelings towards what you love

Share this post


Link to post
servadei

Vonegutjunky, I can't distract myself like that because for example, when I'm watching TV I'm wondering why can't I be like that, why are those people doing that, that doesn't make sense etc. Or I will get distracted but once it's over DP/DR are going to hit even harder. I'm basically scared of everything when I'm awake.

 

Theon, I can't remember how I was before lol. I wish I had apathy as protection response, not DP/DR.

Share this post


Link to post
Vonnegutjunky

Servedei- that's how I watched tv too-in the beginning-

And I forced myself to focus on the story line - like made real efforts- sometimes the sounds would bother me so I watched a lot of funny videos - truTV worlds dumbest was my go to show in the beginning- very short goofy home videos - I would force myself to no think for 20 seconds and focus on the video- and I practiced this over and over again-

You have to make the effort to get better- you cannot sit and wait for it to come to you

It's hard and scary but if I did it, you can

I was feeling like you feel now, and then I doubled my dose and had start up effects from the drug on top of my withdrawal- it was absolutely horrific - each day - for 3 mos straight - but you can do it- we all did it - you can't give up - fight for your self.

Share this post


Link to post
servadei

Yes, I understand. Yesterday I was in my room alone so I said to myself I need to socialize. I went to my brothers room and we watched The Armando Iannucci Shows. It is normally something I would laugh at, but seeing all these normal people and normal places made me even more DP/DRed.

 

Today was however, very hard day. I went to the store in the morning with my dad and it was so trippy. More then yesterday and even more than day before yesterday. When we got home I calmed down a bit, the weather was gloomy for a few days so I finally gotten used to it. Then the sun came out of nowhere. Later I got so angry and 'ragey' not towards people, towards DP/DR. Finally I broke down in a huge crying session. (I believe those are that neuro-emotions)I was tired and I went to take an afternoon nap.

 

I had horrible vivid dreams, and they left me feeling like that. Not to mention I dreamt about Dublin. It was dark, gloomy, scary place. And I dreamt my condition, feelings of helplessness were much stronger and much more unnatural (you know those weird dream feelings) I was glad when I woke up. For a second at least.

 

But the funny thing is that when you wake up in a DP/DR state you don't feel much of a relief. You feel like you're going to wake up again because this also feels unnatural.

 

So, very hard day indeed for me, but I am hoping night will bring some relief.

Seriously, how can a human being feel like this?! It's harf because most of DP/DR feelings you cannot explain, wouldn't you agree?

Share this post


Link to post
servadei

Oh and I'm sorry. Antidepressant withdrawal really is horrific. I cannot imagine how you felt when you upped the dose. But I know what suffering is.

 

I am making effort, it's just natural to break from time to time I guess.

Share this post


Link to post
servadei

Packing my bags for Dublin. It's going to be hard with all this DP/DR and existential anxiety but I have to work through it.

Share this post


Link to post
brassmonkey

Roll with it as best as you can, and have a safe trip there.

Share this post


Link to post
Skyler

serv... you put real effort into refocusing your posts.  Good job.  Hope the move goes as smoothly as can be expected.

Share this post


Link to post
servadei

Skylar and Brassmonkey, thank you!! At least I'm not afraid of flying in the plane anymore because of DR. Something good in something bad.

Share this post


Link to post
servadei

Im in Dublin now since Monday. Still in severe DP/DR. Don't know how I get through days. Wish I couls remember how I used to think when I was normal.

Share this post


Link to post
servadei

Guys I'm really worried that this is not from antidepressants......

Share this post


Link to post
servadei

I was just talking to my friend who studies medicine and he told me this is not true and that I should talk to my psychiatrist. But I don't want to do anything with them anymore.

Share this post


Link to post
Skyler

servadi... you need to decide who you are going to listen to.  Doing some of your own reading would help.  Alto has posted some excellent resources on this site, including this thread, and there are many resources in the media and journal and scientific resources sections.  Also, have you looked at The Anatomy of an Epidemic by Robert Whitaker.  We can't keep shooting down your fears... they just keep resurfacing.. the best thing you can do is to educate yourself on what is going on.  You could also check out Robert Whitaker's blog.  

 

As things stand now, you are asking us to treat your anxiety with constant reassurances but you are the one with the power..  and knowledge is a powerful tool.  You are welcome to ask us questions about what you read, but please take some time to further inform yourself.  We have too many people needing help to get into hand holding, and you will be much better off if you seize your power.

Share this post


Link to post
servadei

I know. Even with severe DP/DR I'm still living. And I'm planning to do that until I loose my mind.

I don't need constant reassurance as that helps less and less.

Share this post


Link to post
Skyler

I know. Even with severe DP/DR I'm still living. And I'm planning to do that until I loose my mind.

I don't need constant reassurance as that helps less and less.

 

DP/DR is what it is.... it will not make you lose your mind.

 

"So what can you do if your Depersonalization and Derealization is caused from an existing anxiety disorder or clinical depression?

MOST IMPORTANTLY!!! You must first recognize that these symptoms, although distressing, are not dangerous. The truth is that they are common symptoms for anxiety and depression."

 

You could better self soothe if you were informed.  Anatomy of an Epidemic may be available in your native language.  We reassure with the knowledge we have acquired.. you can do the same.

Share this post


Link to post
bubble

I had the same feelings of horror upon discontinuing Escitalopram that you describe.​

 

I have a different drug history than you (mine is a way more complicated) but when it comes to what you are going through nw it was very similar: I actually managed it for around 40 days working full time but after an episode of racing thoughts which scared me to death I was ready to take anything to make it stop. I wanted to be off tzhe drugs more than anything but life without the drugs turned out not to be life at all.

 

I went back to the drug (I thought more was better) and I did stabilise. Going back on the drug enabled me to continue working and carry on with my plans. Now I started tapering and feel like I finally have a chance to get free. Psychiatrists will only prescribe higher doses than we suggest here and those could indeed make you feel worse.

 

We often see people experiencing a huge relief after reinstating a small dose and that was my experience as well.

 

But the call is yours.  

Share this post


Link to post
Skyler

Servadei... please update your sig line to show the dose of escitalopram you take now..  did you go back to 7 mgs, are you holding there..  at what date did you start updosing, etc.  This helps us mods better help you.  Thanks

Share this post


Link to post
servadei

Umm... I never took 7 mgs? I stopped taking the drug completely July 10th. I know DP/DR won't make me loose my mind, but maybe I'll get something else. Either way I don't care because I don't remember how I was when I was normal so I don't really regret anything.

 

Bubble, I thinks it's too late for me to reinstate.

Share this post


Link to post
servadei

Heh It's okay. I will make sure to put it.

Share this post


Link to post
servadei

I'm not doing otherwise? I already told you. I moved to another country and I'm lookig for a job...I'm not lying in bed self pitying myself...

Share this post


Link to post
Skyler

I'm not doing otherwise? I already told you. I moved to another country and I'm lookig for a job...I'm not lying in bed self pitying myself...

 

You are... I corrected that...  It's not too late to reinstate, follow bubble's advice on how to do this. 

 

And I don't know what would make you think I thought you are only lying in your bed pitying yourself? I did not say anything to that effect, and it never occurred to me that you might be.  You just moved to Ireland... that's not staying in bed.

Share this post


Link to post
servadei

I cannot go back to the drug. I should have brought then with me, but I smashed them on the floor...Lol

 

Anyway, you don't think it's too late?

Share this post


Link to post
bubble

Reinstating 1 mg is still an option. We see people successfully reinstating after a few months. As I mentioned, I reinstated around 45 days after discontinuing which is were you are now.

Share this post


Link to post

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×

Important Information

By using this site, you agree to our Terms of Use.