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Irishwill2015

☼ Irishwill 2015 Extremely positive and long overdue update

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Irishwill2015

Hope you don't mind a newbie chiming in. But I wonder if quitting alcohol was a big part of your difficulty as well. What do you think?  Seems I can get "addicted" to caffeine after drinking just two cups a day for a week.

 

Being subjective, I think abstaining from anything, caffeine included is good to show your true benchmark.

 

When you say a big part of my difficulty, could you clarify? I am just wondering if you mean during withdrawal or in life.

 

Irish

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alex

Irishwill, thank for your encouraging update.

I am at 37 months off and still struggling.

I have a question for you:do you have any sexual problems?

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Irishwill2015

Irishwill, thank for your encouraging update.

I am at 37 months off and still struggling.

I have a question for you:do you have any sexual problems?

I actually have very few sexual problems, early on absolutely. I had very little function and zero desire early on.

 

Now, no functional issues. I will say when I get stressed I have less desire but I feel that is normal. I also sometimes get adrenaline spikes when I am done, this doesn't bother me much as I realize what it is but for a while I couldn't do anything before bed or else I wouldn't sleep, that issue has resolved but still spikes. If you have any more questions, want clarification, or would like to dive deeper into this please PM me as I know this can be a sensitive issue,

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alex

Thank you for your quick response.

My main symptom-problem in this terrible process has been out of charts anxiety.

Now is getting much better, but in my sexual reations, it shows in the form of premature ejaculation, and dysphoria after orgasm.

It comes and goes in intensity, just like the waves and windows.

My fear is, just like a lot of people, that this could be permanent.

Horrible damage these drugs can make.

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BlueLeader

Irishwill2015,  Thank you so much for the detailed recovery story.  I know it wasn't easy to go through and remember all of that; but you did it.  That was phenomenal and I will be printing it and referring to it often.

 

I really like when you said you will not be what you were before all of this, but a different but better version of yourself.  I have felt this way for a while but struggled to put it into words.

 

Question, did you ever struggle with any sexual side effects of the SSRI?  I have been off for a year and a half and this one symptom is the most persistent and the most alarming to me.  I have improved in so many areas but this one remains the same.  Like Alex, I struggle thinking this might be permanent.

 

Anyways, thanks again for the wonderful write up.

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Irishwill2015

Irishwill2015,  Thank you so much for the detailed recovery story.  I know it wasn't easy to go through and remember all of that; but you did it.  That was phenomenal and I will be printing it and referring to it often.

 

I really like when you said you will not be what you were before all of this, but a different but better version of yourself.  I have felt this way for a while but struggled to put it into words.

 

Question, did you ever struggle with any sexual side effects of the SSRI?  I have been off for a year and a half and this one symptom is the most persistent and the most alarming to me.  I have improved in so many areas but this one remains the same.  Like Alex, I struggle thinking this might be permanent.

 

Anyways, thanks again for the wonderful write up.

 I am glad I could help and I appreciate the kind words.

 

I think sex is something that makes us feel great but in this process of WD it can be hard to feel good no matter what. It is also a very psychological experience as well, a lot of pressure and climax. I doubt this is permanent. I think it comes back when you start to feel more comfortable in general and when you are with someone whom is caring and understanding. I think it is important not to put too much stress on yourself or set any expectations. My best advice would be to observe what's happening but not look too into it or scare yourself with the idea of permanence. Virtually nothing in this life is permanent, especially the "damage" caused by these drugs. This is just a very sensitive issue for you and we tend to focus on the things that haven't come back and fixate on them.

 

Give it time, it worked for me.

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Irishwill2015

Thank you for your quick response.

My main symptom-problem in this terrible process has been out of charts anxiety.

Now is getting much better, but in my sexual reations, it shows in the form of premature ejaculation, and dysphoria after orgasm.

It comes and goes in intensity, just like the waves and windows.

My fear is, just like a lot of people, that this could be permanent.

Horrible damage these drugs can make.

 

Alex, I can relate to the dysphoria. Sometimes I will be numb or feel like I am dull after sex. I think it may be because our bodies aren't use to feeling great so it will take some time. I don't always feel that way but I did early on. It remains but it typically disappears an hour or so after and occurs when I am already tired or melancholy as is. I will agree it is odd to feel drained and dull after but I bet that goes away. It doesn't bother me to the degree I have it now.

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Hopefull

Hi Irishwill,

 

Your story is truly inspirational.

It almost brought tears to my eyes.

It is stories like this that brings hope to others

It is fantastic that you have managed to turn your life around.

A lot of the things that you wrote about, I can relate to,including experiencing things that you thought were not possible in this life time.

Thank you, Best wishes, Hopefull.

When you were in WD, did you experience andrinellin surges?

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Irishwill2015

Absolutely did. Early in the morning at 5 am were the worst. Also I would get them randomly throughout the day causing instability. I get them from time to time and find magnesium helps me stay calm but they are no where near what they were and truthfully it doesn't bother me at all, a minor nuisance.

 

Hope you're doing well and continue to see improvement!

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BlueLeader

Absolutely did. Early in the morning at 5 am were the worst. Also I would get them randomly throughout the day causing instability. I get them from time to time and find magnesium helps me stay calm but they are no where near what they were and truthfully it doesn't bother me at all, a minor nuisance.

 

Hope you're doing well and continue to see improvement!

 

Irish, I too got the adrenaline rushes, usually at either 3am or 5am.  Absolutely the worst time b/c it interrupts your night and I am left dreading the day before it has even gotten started.  Luckily, I don't seem to have this symptom any more on a consistent basis.  It more so pops up like you said at random times and is more annoying than alarming.  To those who are struggling with panic/adrenaline rushes, they can be managed and overcome.

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Hopefull

Hi Irishwill,

 

I get those dreadful andrinellin surges, when I am destabilized from making a cut.

It is not as intense as it used to be.

I had periods when I was free from it.

 

Did those surges feel different to panic attacks?

Thank you for your answer. Hopefull. :)

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toomanymeds

Hello Irishwill,

Thank you for your inspiration! You have made my day!

I would like to know if you ever had a problem with nausea during your withdrawal?

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Irishwill2015

Hi Irishwill,

 

I get those dreadful andrinellin surges, when I am destabilized from making a cut.

It is not as intense as it used to be.

I had periods when I was free from it.

 

Did those surges feel different to panic attacks?

Thank you for your answer. Hopefull. :)

 

Great Question: Do they feel different than panic attacks. I think they are a part of panic attacks but I try not to get too technical and granular trying to compare and contrast the two. We can all agree they both suck. The surges only came back a little for me in the morning but they are totally gone now. It takes the body time to calibrate again and the only true thing I can tell you is that it won't stick around forever. Magnesium, once again, helped with the surges and also just waiting them out knowing they won't last forever.

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Irishwill2015

Irishwill, did you have DP/DR?

 

Yes I did. It was the weirdest thing like I was in a dream or more appropriate a nightmare. I do not have this anymore, not even moments of it which is weird. I had it for a while and the best way I can describe it, it was like watching my life like a TV show and not having emotions at the appropriate time if at all. It is like reality and timing was not inline with my thinking so it felt almost delayed or lagged if that make sense to you.

 

I can't tell you exactly when it went away I just know I feel in the moment now, as before I felt anything but in the moment.

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Horns85

 

Irishwill, did you have DP/DR?

Yes I did. It was the weirdest thing like I was in a dream or more appropriate a nightmare. I do not have this anymore, not even moments of it which is weird. I had it for a while and the best way I can describe it, it was like watching my life like a TV show and not having emotions at the appropriate time if at all. It is like reality and timing was not inline with my thinking so it felt almost delayed or lagged if that make sense to you.

 

I can't tell you exactly when it went away I just know I feel in the moment now, as before I felt anything but in the moment.

Irishwill,

 

Did you feel like your vision was looking through a two panes of glass? Like servadei, DP/DR his is my most persistent symptom.

It varies in intensity but it always there.

 

So glad to hear you are better!

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Irishwill2015

Hello Irishwill,

Thank you for your inspiration! You have made my day!

I would like to know if you ever had a problem with nausea during your withdrawal?

 

Honestly, I felt so sick from other symptoms I never really focused on nausea or if I did experience it I never labeled it nausea, I probably called it something else. That is the issue with this WD, many people experience similar things but there are so many different names for the symptoms by the time it's done you feel you have experienced them all. I think people can get really caught up in trying to nail down each symptom, it provides us comfort to at least know what we are experiencing isn't rare and that other people can relate.

 

Nausea, could be a really hard thing for some people and not for others. For me, it wasn't a big deal because other symptoms were so much worse my brain couldn't fixate on all the problems. Not to downplay your nausea, as I am sure it was bad, but that wasn't in my primary worst issues so I can't really recall. I can tell you I don't have it now and can't remember having it recently, but perhaps in the early stages yes.

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Horns85

 

 

Irishwill, did you have DP/DR?

Yes I did. It was the weirdest thing like I was in a dream or more appropriate a nightmare. I do not have this anymore, not even moments of it which is weird. I had it for a while and the best way I can describe it, it was like watching my life like a TV show and not having emotions at the appropriate time if at all. It is like reality and timing was not inline with my thinking so it felt almost delayed or lagged if that make sense to you.

 

I can't tell you exactly when it went away I just know I feel in the moment now, as before I felt anything but in the moment.

Irishwill,

 

Did you feel like your vision was looking through a two panes of glass? Like servadei, DP/DR his is my most persistent symptom.

It varies in intensity but it always there.

 

So glad to hear you are better!

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Irishwill2015

 

 

 

Irishwill, did you have DP/DR?

Yes I did. It was the weirdest thing like I was in a dream or more appropriate a nightmare. I do not have this anymore, not even moments of it which is weird. I had it for a while and the best way I can describe it, it was like watching my life like a TV show and not having emotions at the appropriate time if at all. It is like reality and timing was not inline with my thinking so it felt almost delayed or lagged if that make sense to you.

 

I can't tell you exactly when it went away I just know I feel in the moment now, as before I felt anything but in the moment.

Irishwill,

 

Did you feel like your vision was looking through a two panes of glass? Like servadei, DP/DR his is my most persistent symptom.

It varies in intensity but it always there.

 

So glad to hear you are better!

 

Horns,

 

I think we try and explain these symptoms with things that seem most common to us therefore it seems like people experience so many different symptoms. It felt awful, uncomfortable in my own skin as if I wasn't living. In simplest terms, it wasn't reality, the reality I had known my whole life before this. Everything felt out of place. It fades slowly but surely.

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Irishwill2015

By memory loss what exactly do you mean. For example, are you referring to past memories from childhood or like day to day week to week memory?

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Mort81

Irishwill thanks for paying it forward. This is a great thread, your giving lots of hope to us. 

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freespirit

 

"I had to go it alone after a while, reading the forums stopped helping me and started to become an obsession. I waited for healing to occur rather than being an active participant in my recovery."

 

"I want you all to know, you don’t have to go to a top school, or get a high paying job, and truthfully, just being alive is great to me, you just have to make a choice, a choice to start living or at the very least keep surviving, because I sure as hell know sometimes all you can do is hang on."

 

" after a while you need to take ownership of your life and move forward and focus on getting better. If this helps you, then keep going, but treat yourself and get better in real life too."

 

“It’s not about how you feel, it’s about still doing what you want to do despite not feeling well that will make the difference, accomplishments still feel great even when you don’t”

 

Thanks for writing your very inspiring story Irishwill. The quotes above are the things that stand out the most for me in what you've written....because they ring true for me too. I still find benefits to the forum at this point, but I'm deeply committed to finding my own healing. I avoid reading some threads at times, because I can become obsessed with what if and don't find that helpful.

 

I wish you continued healing and success in life. I think that what you've learned and how you came through this experience will carry you well through the rest of your life.

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Irishwill2015

Irishwill thanks for paying it forward. This is a great thread, your giving lots of hope to us. 

Mort,

 

Thank you. Hope is very important during all this. Their are a lot of success stories and it is important to surround yourself with those.

 

I wish you the best and hope when you feel you're there, you share your success story as well!

 

Irish

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Irishwill2015

I'm glad you are doing well irishwill

Thank you Gemini, I hope the best for you as well!

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Irishwill2015

 

"I had to go it alone after a while, reading the forums stopped helping me and started to become an obsession. I waited for healing to occur rather than being an active participant in my recovery."

 

"I want you all to know, you don’t have to go to a top school, or get a high paying job, and truthfully, just being alive is great to me, you just have to make a choice, a choice to start living or at the very least keep surviving, because I sure as hell know sometimes all you can do is hang on."

 

" after a while you need to take ownership of your life and move forward and focus on getting better. If this helps you, then keep going, but treat yourself and get better in real life too."

 

“It’s not about how you feel, it’s about still doing what you want to do despite not feeling well that will make the difference, accomplishments still feel great even when you don’t”

 

Thanks for writing your very inspiring story Irishwill. The quotes above are the things that stand out the most for me in what you've written....because they ring true for me too. I still find benefits to the forum at this point, but I'm deeply committed to finding my own healing. I avoid reading some threads at times, because I can become obsessed with what if and don't find that helpful.

 

I wish you continued healing and success in life. I think that what you've learned and how you came through this experience will carry you well through the rest of your life.

 

Free spirit,

 

First and foremost thank you for your kind and sincere words.

 

As far as those quotations you pulled, those are some of my most true and heartfelt lines. Do not read the horror threads. They don't include every detail and truthfully, there is no way of knowing whether that person is doing all the right things or not. Treat yourself well and try to find the beauty in life no matter what and eventually it will transform.

 

I wish you the best and I hope you know people do get better, it doesn't happen over night but people do get better when they do the right things.

 

Irish

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Purplestars22

Irishwill2015, what an amazing story. I have a couple of questions, when you were in graduate school were your wd symptoms noticeable to people? Where you able able to hide your withdrawal symptoms? I am working through this wd a couple of days and people have noticed a change in me because of my withdrawal symptoms.

" I waited for healing to occur rather than being an active participant in my recovery". It's great that you took matters into your own hands and begun to accomplish things even though you felt unwell. I am 20 months off and I would like to go back to school but can't do much or else I will get horrible waves or get worse and feel destabilized. I am just waiting to get better and one of the things that is repeated in this site is that "wd will subside with time" and "to limit the stressors on a destabilized cns".With all your stressors during wd did it cause a worsening of wd symptoms?

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Irishwill2015

Irishwill2015, what an amazing story. I have a couple of questions, when you were in graduate school were your wd symptoms noticeable to people? Where you able able to hide your withdrawal symptoms? I am working through this wd a couple of days and people have noticed a change in me because of my withdrawal symptoms.

" I waited for healing to occur rather than being an active participant in my recovery". It's great that you took matters into your own hands and begun to accomplish things even though you felt unwell. I am 20 months off and I would like to go back to school but can't do much or else I will get horrible waves or get worse and feel destabilized. I am just waiting to get better and one of the things that is repeated in this site is that "wd will subside with time" and "to limit the stressors on a destabilized cns".With all your stressors during wd did it cause a worsening of wd symptoms?

I thought for sure people would notice but at graduate school no one really knew me from before so if I was quieter or less social who would have really know.

I don't think sitting back and letting ourselves heal is a smart approach. I say this because of my own experience but also think about people who are healing from any other disease. Sitting idle is never the answer, one must move but move within the restrictions and parameters that aid to recovery. For me, the stress of school, which was heavy, felt like it was hurting at first but it was really building me up, forcing me to be somewhere and to accomplish things. I got to the point where I wasn't going to let WD scare me or prevent me from accomplishing what I wanted anymore. It took enough from me it wasn't going to get more.

I feel like sitting this seemingly safe setting I was able to build myself up and prove to myself I can do it. It's like being scared to try something then doing it and forgetting what the initial fear was all about. Once I did something once I knew I could do it again.

This is not easy and may feel like you are hurting yourself in the beginning but I feel it expedited my recovery. Move and be apart of life despite feeling like your life is gone. It won't magically come back, there won't be a day where you say "I can do this all now", you have to create that day and you do that by going beyond fear and chasing what you want out of life. The worst thing I could of done was wait for a magic day to proceed with life.

You can do it-just do it the right way and within a reasonable level of risk vs comfort.

Irish

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Irishwill2015

Sorry for the grammar above, typing from my phone I'll fix it up later.

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gemini

Are you able to work and function pretty well now, irish?

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gemini

Are you able to work and function pretty well now, irish?

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gemini

I'm actually doing what you're doing, irish, or have done, that is, forcing myself to function and move and work. Of course you can't do that when you're immobile due to pain but I'm grateful I'm painfree most days!

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freespirit

Free spirit,

 

I wish you the best and I hope you know people do get better, it doesn't happen over night but people do get better when they do the right things.

 

Irish

 

 

I very much agree that healing happens, and that we need to fully participate by finding and doing the right things. A number of years ago, I recovered from a brain injury by going back to school shortly after my MVA. It was very difficult, as I had a lot of the same issues as WD, combined with PTSD. When I finally got in to see a neurologist, he told me I'd done the best thing I could do, by challenging my brain.

 

I haven't felt through wd that sitting and waiting was even a remote option for me. I've had some days where I was too ill to do a lot, but I've always tried to do something. Even very small achievements are something to build on...I started off riding my indoor bike 10 minutes a day, 3 or 4 days a week. I'm up to riding 2 or 2 1/2 hours outside now..and that happened over about 8 months. I'm doing my best to build a life while I'm healing, not waiting to do it when healing is complete.

 

Again, thanks for your inspiration and for staying around to carry on the conversation. I know sometimes when you leave something behind, you have zero desire to revisit it...I hope in some way, that this part helps you on your journey too.

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Irishwill2015

Are you able to work and function pretty well now, irish?

Yes, I have a very challenging job were I am relied on heavily to lead. My grad school is a program that requires people to function at a very high level and the fact I had accomplished that during withdrawal shows me how far I have come and how capable I truly am.

 

I travel a lot for work as well. Which can provide a new level of stress but I love it.

 

I do not feel debilitated for the most part. There are a few days out of the month where my body really tenses up and I feel out of it. I think this is the final stage of my body completely healing, still sensitive nervous system as times. For the most part though I live relatively pain free as compared to WD.

 

It feels less like I am forcing myself and more like me wanting to do it.

 

I knew after grad school I would have to work and it has been a great transition. I found myself today smiling in my office just knowing that going to work is now normal for me. In WD I couldn't even imagine going places or even an interview, now I am such an intricate piece to something incredibly important. If I had never experienced WD I would not know how lucky I truly am.

 

I really do feel I have conquered withdrawal and couldn't be more proud of myself for that accomplishment. I find myself taking some things for granted, like sleep, but this is inevitable.

 

What are still some of your challenges and how far out are you? I love learning about other peoples remarkable journeys.

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