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sandnit Contributor

sandnit

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12 hours ago, Happy2Heal said:

amazingly, I did come out of it even better!!
I am so happy it's over

 

I hope your wave ends soon! that's a long time

 

has anything eased up at all?

Ow wow this is great to hear Happy!! It is such a unpredictable journey!!

 

Well last week the whole family got sick with Influenza. I was pretty sick with a high fever for a week. Before that some symptoms started easing up.

Now it is hard to say as I'm still recovering from influenza. Still coughing a lot and i'm really tired. Anxiety seems less though so i hope i'm true the worst of it.

 

I ordered the tapering strips i will be using to do the rest of the taper. From 5mg to 0mg in about 2 years if all goes to plan. I hope i can start my taper in the next coming months!!

 

 

 

 

 

1

In 2016 Paroxetine 20mg for 4 months then stopped more or less cold turkey -> waves and windows pattern i now know

 

Started 10mg Escitalopram 4 Mar 2022
From 10 to 20mg on 19 Apr 2022
From 20 to 15mg on 23 Jun 2022
From 15mg to 7,5mg on 5 Sept 2022 (I was supposed to drop from 15mg to 12,5mg but I accidentally used 5mg and half of 5mg pills instead of 10mg and half of 5mg pills, when I found out 2 weeks later I decided to keep to 7,5mg since most of the WD symptoms subsided by then, I now regret this. During this period I thought I also caught a stomach bug but after reading up here I think this was also WD symptoms) From 7,5mg to 5mg on 23 Sept 2022

Started Cross tapering Escitalopram 5mg to tapering strip brand from 26th of feb 2024 over one week and stabilised on 5mg untill 31 March 2024.

31 March 2024 started taper using tapering strips. 

 Escitalopram 04/20/24 - 4,5mg (hold because of WD symptoms raming up), 

 

 

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Happy2Heal
Happy2Heal

Mod note:  link to: Happy2Heal: Hope I'm doing this right (Introduction and update topic)   I was just an 18yr old,  a very confused, naive young woman, er no- more of a child, really-

Happy2Heal
Happy2Heal

welp it's almost that time!! in a couple of weeks I will have been totally off all psych drugs for FIVE YEARS!!   woohoo! more and more, I have settled into myself and am more com

Happy2Heal
Happy2Heal

ok time for an update.     I made some good decisions regarding my diet and have been definitely reaping the rewards from that, far less pain except from times I over do it, or try something

Giuly88 Contributor

Giuly88

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On 1/22/2024 at 7:12 PM, Happy2Heal said:


hi @Giuly88 thanks so much for stopping by and for your good wishes, much appreciated!

my wave is over, it ended in the Emergency room as I went into afib- I've had previous episodes over the past er 18 yrs or so, but they are very infrequent and very short. I had thought I'd never have another have, having blamed them on the lexapro and WD but  I guess maybe not, I don't know now.

I am back in normal rhythm now and just fine and the wave is over too

 

and I truly feel better than ever. So very happy about that

 

this is a long strange journey, isn't it?

 

we need to keep our focus on the good, otherwise it's very easy to get discouraged

 

I hope your memory continues to improve and that you end your journey in a good place for you

 

wishing you good health and fast healing

 

 

(Afib stands for atrial fibrillation (AF), which is a type of arrhythmia, or abnormal heartbeat. Afib is caused by extremely fast and irregular beats from the upper chambers of the heart (usually more than 400 beats per minute). A normal, healthy heartbeat involves a regular contraction of the heart muscle.)

Oh no H2H sorry to hear this. I’m pleased however that you were dismissed by the hospital and that you are now out of this horrendous wave. It means more healing has taken place.

 

I can’t believe what these poisons do to people causing atrocious lingering withdrawal symptoms this far out.

 

Hope you are feeling better 😊

 

💕💕

Started 10mg escitalopram March 2016 and stopped CT Feb 2017.

Started 10mg citalopram May 2019

Swapped with mirtazapine mid June 2019 used for a week and then switched to Escitalopram 5mg at the end of July 2019, increased gradually to 10mg in September, 15mg in October and 20mg in January 2020. Tapered down to 15mg in April. 10mg in June then a week tapering to 5mg and then stopped CT. 
Resumed escitalopram in November 2020 at 5mg, increased to 10mg in February 2021, tapered down to 5mg in May 2021 and tapered down to 2.5 in the space of a week in September 2021. Resumed escitalopram at the end of December 2022 at 5mg, increased it to 10mg in March 2023 then tapered down to 5mg in June and down to 2.5mg in July. Started escitalopram 5mg beginning of December 2023 then stopped after 4 days. Took amytryptamine for 2 days then restarted escitalopram at 5mg, after two weeks increased it to 7.5mg, kept it for 1 week then 10mg for 1 week but two many side effects so went back to 5mg. Beginning of January 2023 stopped escitalopram for 1 day then 2.5mg for the next day. Developed  discontinuation symptoms reinstated it at 2.5 for 1 week and 1.5 for the following week then stopped. I’m currently experiencing withdrawal symptoms.

 

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FarmGirlWorks Rookie

FarmGirlWorks

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On 1/9/2024 at 6:15 PM, Happy2Heal said:

here we are, only 9 days in to the new year and I can honestly say it's been  LONG year so far!

 because I have been working hard at trying to figure out what has been WRONG with me recently and now that I think I have it figured out

I can relax and just rest

Oh @Happy2Heal: I am with you. There was a cartoon in the NYer about how damn long January seems. Thanks for sharing this post. Another SA member asked me recently if it is possible my mental health suffers because I still have waves (it will be 7 years since CT and 4 since writing a Success Story. It is hard to tease out if it is "WD waves lite" or situational traumas, CPTSD, or a genetic mutation that makes it hard to synthesize happy chemicals. I suspect all of the above.

 

You've inspired me to drag out that "dusty toolbox." We are getting better though, as is everyone here. And usually it is much longer than we expect.

Edited by FarmGirlWorks
2
  • Prozac | late 2004-mid-2005 | CT WD in a couple months, mostly emotional
  • Sertraline 50-100mg | 11/2011-3/2014, 10/2014-3/2017
  • Sertraline fast taper March 2017, 4 weeks, OFF sertraline April 1, 2017
  • Quit alcohol May 20, 2017
  • Lifestyle changes: 12-step (ACA, PIR), kundalini yoga

 

"If you've seen a monster, even if it's horrible, that's evidence of divinity." – Damien Echols

 

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boohoo Rookie

boohoo

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@Happy2Heal

I've read that alot of people have problems with anti ageing products. I was ill for days after I used a face cream. 

2001 - 2015 variety of AD's, switches, CT's

2015 - 2020 Mirt 30 mg /45mg

Nov 2020 prozac, equivalent dose

Jan 2021 Mirt 15mg

June 2021 reduced, maybe to 10, reinstated mirt 15mg

Jan 22 - Jan 23 reduced to 5.3 

2017 - June 2023 occasional 2.5 mg nitrazepam and cocodomol 30/500

Until August 2023 herbal remedies/supps 

Inc echinacea,  fish oil, multi vitamins,  b complex, sage

Jan 2023 -current 5.3mg mirtazapine 

 

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Happy2Heal Contributor

Happy2Heal

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5 minutes ago, boohoo said:

@Happy2Heal

I've read that alot of people have problems with anti ageing products. I was ill for days after I used a face cream. 

sorry to hear that @boohoo

 

 

 I was just looking up how many hours a day a mouse sleeps because I have pet mice and I was worried they were sleeping too much

 

and I found this nifty chart- It verifies what I have heard before, that we humans sleep less as we age. 

https://faculty.washington.edu/chudler/chasleep.html

Taking a break from mentoring, please do not message or tag me, thank you! 
Got some personal stuff to deal with and am not able to give you my full attention. 

I will remove this reminder when I am back. Keep on swimming, my friends. 

😊

  • pysch med history: 1974 @ age 18 to Oct 2017 (approx 43 yrs total) 
  •  Drug list: stelazine, haldol, elavil, lithium, zoloft, celexa, lexapro(doses as high as 40mgs), klonopin, ambien, seroquel(high doses), depakote, zyprexa, lamictal- plus brief trials of dozens of other psych meds over the years
  • started lexapro 2002, dose varied from 20mgs to 40mgs. First attempt to get off it was 2007- WD symptoms were mistaken for "relapse". 
  •  2013 too fast taper down to 5mg but WD forced me back to 20mgs
  •  June of 2105, tapered again too rapidly to 2.5mgs by Dec 2015. Found SA, held at 2.5 mgs til May 2016 when I foolishly "jumped off". felt ok until  Sept, then acute WD hit!!  reinstated at 0.3mgs in Oct. 2106
  • Tapered off to zero by  Oct. 2017 Doing very well. 
  • Nov. 2018 feel 95% healed, age 63 
  • Jan. 2020 feel 100% healed, peaceful and content
  • PRESENT DAYS:  Loving life! ❤️ with all it's ups and downs ;) 
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Happy2Heal Contributor

Happy2Heal

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On 1/27/2024 at 7:08 PM, FarmGirlWorks said:

You've inspired me to drag out that "dusty toolbox." We are getting better though, as is everyone here. And usually it is much longer than we expect.

yep that dusty toolbox!! I feel like I need to dust it off more often and use it... as I run into issues from time to time that would be easy to resolve if I just recalled that there are TOOLS for that!! hahaha

 

how quickly I have lapsed into laziness :P

 

I got some more test results and have discovered that I did not have any kind of mild stroke, as my neurologist had feared.


after seeing a few drs recently it occurs to me that DRS are more often a CAUSE of ppl having health anxiety when they never did before.

I can't tell you the number of times I've mentioned a symptom and had a dr exclaim with comments that OMG those are sighs of ______ (insert something serious) did you go to the ER? or why didn't you call me and make an appt/

 

In the ED with symptoms of a possible heart attack, you would think they'd be much more careful about alarming a pt, but NO, they were telling me all the ways I might die if I'd ignored my symptoms or didn't agree to their treatment suggestions

(I'd already heard that list and had verified that ALL of those things were exceedingly RARE and in my case specifically almost surely NOT a concern)

It aggravates me that Drs themselves do this stuff, making you doubt your own intuition and gut feelings about what is going on in your body and how serious,or NOT, it might be

 

I did have jaw and neck pain and that DID initially alarm me (I was in afib with rapid ventricular response, a very high heart rate) but as soon as I got the first dose of IV beta blocker and my heart rate came down a bit, that pain started to ease up

and then the first troponin test came in and it was clearly way too low to indicate ANY sort of heart issue but instead of telling me that, they freaking LIED and gave me the number without the reference range and walked away without answering me when I asked where that was on the range.

 

I don't know if drs are like this every where but I run into SO many drs who are such alarmists about things

 

I am far more worried about them doing UNNECESSARY things to me, than I am about them missing something important

 

that's my rant for today I guess

I was in the ED early in the month and I got the discharge summary and they have falsely said that my recent afib episode was "caused by medication non compliance"

 

I am pissed!!  three years ago I went to the ED for a possible afib episode but by the time I arrived, it was over. they sent me home with a weeks worth of a beta blocker to use til I saw my own cardiologist

 

one week's worth! over three years ago!

I called my own cardiologist who couldn't see me for a month but he advised me to stop the beta blocker (slowly) because in MY case, at least, a sudden drop in heart rate was just as likely to put me in afib as a sudden increase

 

I was not on any heart meds at all because I don't need them!

 

but this ED doc is writing that my afib episode was MY FAULT for not taking a drug I was not supposed to be taking!

I hate the word "compliance" when it comes to medical treatment, they should use the work SUGGESTIONS instead

because time and time again, their "orders" were not good ones and caused us harm

 

seriously pisses me off  GRRRRR!!!! lol

 

that's my rant for today! 

If you find yourself having health anxiety, don't beat yourself up, but ask yourself, where do you think that came from?esp if you never had any fears about your healthy growing up or before you saw too many drs

 

I swear, our medical system causes way more problems than it ever solves!!

 

ok now to gather up all that anger and upset and throw it far far away (this is a reference to a kid's show called Bluey)

 

have a good day everyone!!
I am getting a new mouse next weekend so I am happy and excited about that

also looking forward to a birthday get  together with my friends AND seeing the eye dr and getting new glasses that I desperately need!

 

remember our health is in our hands!  drs are there to serve us not the other way around

 

 

 

 

 

2

Taking a break from mentoring, please do not message or tag me, thank you! 
Got some personal stuff to deal with and am not able to give you my full attention. 

I will remove this reminder when I am back. Keep on swimming, my friends. 

😊

  • pysch med history: 1974 @ age 18 to Oct 2017 (approx 43 yrs total) 
  •  Drug list: stelazine, haldol, elavil, lithium, zoloft, celexa, lexapro(doses as high as 40mgs), klonopin, ambien, seroquel(high doses), depakote, zyprexa, lamictal- plus brief trials of dozens of other psych meds over the years
  • started lexapro 2002, dose varied from 20mgs to 40mgs. First attempt to get off it was 2007- WD symptoms were mistaken for "relapse". 
  •  2013 too fast taper down to 5mg but WD forced me back to 20mgs
  •  June of 2105, tapered again too rapidly to 2.5mgs by Dec 2015. Found SA, held at 2.5 mgs til May 2016 when I foolishly "jumped off". felt ok until  Sept, then acute WD hit!!  reinstated at 0.3mgs in Oct. 2106
  • Tapered off to zero by  Oct. 2017 Doing very well. 
  • Nov. 2018 feel 95% healed, age 63 
  • Jan. 2020 feel 100% healed, peaceful and content
  • PRESENT DAYS:  Loving life! ❤️ with all it's ups and downs ;) 
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On 11/3/2018 at 10:32 AM, Happy2Heal said:

Mod note:  link to: Happy2Heal: Hope I'm doing this right (Introduction and update topic)

 

I was just an 18yr old,  a very confused, naive young woman, er no- more of a child, really-

when I was given (by force) my first psych drug, stelazine, a major tranquilizer. 

 

that was the beginning of a long series- spanning almost 40 yrs!- of psych drugs and hospitalizations.

All along the way, I was plastered with one diagnosis after another, or several heaped on at once.

 

My physical health went downhill and I ended up a virtual shut-in, living my life all in my head, friendless, socially isolated to the extreme, my only contact with drs and therapists, leaving my house to go food shopping maybe twice a month.

This wasn't living, and I knew it. But I didn't know how to change things. I didn't know what was wrong. 

 

I spent over two thirds of my life believing I was mentally ill and *needed* to be on those drugs.

 

but at some point, it occurred to me that the drugs might actually be the problem, or at least, part of the problem.


I knew I had to get off them. and I did. The process and the pain of that is reported on my thread, I don't care to go back over it, at least not now.

I learned a lot along the way, but for now, I don't want to think about where I've been, I only want to think about where I am now, and the life I have before me.

 

 

Here I am, now, one year off all drugs, of all kinds. I rarely even take a ibuprofen for a headache.

 

I want to write my success story, but I'm not 100% ready yet

 

However I do have to say that what I feel most of all, is a great deal of pride in having survived.

I suffered all forms of abuse as a child, emotional, sexual, physical, verbal, went on to be a survivor of rape, of domestic abuse. I was abused within the mental health system.  I've spent virtually all of my adult life in poverty, raising my daughter as a single mom on disability due to "mental illness".

 

But today, I feel as if I've done more than just survive; I am thriving. I have friends. I have a very active social life. I volunteer and I feel like the work I do is making a difference, having an impact.

 

while technically I am still 'poor' by income, I don't go without anything I need, with the possible exception of good dental care :P  

I have a good life. 

 

 

 

Is my withdrawal journey over? I'm not sure.While I took my last dose of lexapro over a year ago, I feel like I am still having some symptoms that must be related to the nearly 4 DECADES on psych meds. BUT you need to know, these symptoms are extremely mild.  and after that long on so many different drugs, it stands to reason that there will be minor little tweaks that my brain will need to make, for some time to come.

 

I'd like to say that all that has faded into the background of my life, but to be honest:

I am more vigilant about them now, than at any time during active withdrawal- because I don't want to fall into a trap of thinking that any problems I may have mean that all those doctors were right, I'm permanently disabled by a mental illness and there's no hope for me. 

I am pretty sure that the only thing I suffer from is PTSD, and I don't see that as a mental illness so much as a natural reaction to extremely stressful, traumatic life events.

 

so Today I feel Victorious. I've overcome a lot and need to soak in that feeling of doing a good job

 

I don't often give myself credit for my achievements or feel like it's ok to feel good about them

but today,  I give myself permission to bask in this feeling.

 

it feels like the right and honest thing to do. 

 

I guess I just have to be different, I don't want to call this a success story because that sounds to me like the end, when in fact it is not. It's not really a beginning, either, because the beginning of my new life dates back to when I first realized that the drugs were the problem.

 

to me, this just feels like a victory over adversity- something to celebrate! so please, celebrate with me, and know that you are going to heal as well, those of you still going thru WD/recovery.

 

it's worth it, believe me

so very worth it!

:)

 

I know you're probably not active on here but this was so lovely to read as it's sooo hard to find success stories here. I hope you're still doing well and are beyond proud of yourself 

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Happy2Heal Contributor

Happy2Heal

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On 2/2/2024 at 5:50 PM, howbxarre said:

know you're probably not active on here but this was so lovely to read as it's sooo hard to find success stories here. I hope you're still doing well and are beyond proud of yourself 

thank you so much
I really appreciate your kind words!

I am still around, I vowed that when I made it thru to the other side, I would try to do what I could to encourage others on this difficult journey. I know how much it meant to me to read the success stories when things were really rough! It gave me the strength to keep going, knowing it would all be over in time.

 

How are you doing? I see you are new, I will go and read your thread now

Welcome to the forum!

 

 

Taking a break from mentoring, please do not message or tag me, thank you! 
Got some personal stuff to deal with and am not able to give you my full attention. 

I will remove this reminder when I am back. Keep on swimming, my friends. 

😊

  • pysch med history: 1974 @ age 18 to Oct 2017 (approx 43 yrs total) 
  •  Drug list: stelazine, haldol, elavil, lithium, zoloft, celexa, lexapro(doses as high as 40mgs), klonopin, ambien, seroquel(high doses), depakote, zyprexa, lamictal- plus brief trials of dozens of other psych meds over the years
  • started lexapro 2002, dose varied from 20mgs to 40mgs. First attempt to get off it was 2007- WD symptoms were mistaken for "relapse". 
  •  2013 too fast taper down to 5mg but WD forced me back to 20mgs
  •  June of 2105, tapered again too rapidly to 2.5mgs by Dec 2015. Found SA, held at 2.5 mgs til May 2016 when I foolishly "jumped off". felt ok until  Sept, then acute WD hit!!  reinstated at 0.3mgs in Oct. 2106
  • Tapered off to zero by  Oct. 2017 Doing very well. 
  • Nov. 2018 feel 95% healed, age 63 
  • Jan. 2020 feel 100% healed, peaceful and content
  • PRESENT DAYS:  Loving life! ❤️ with all it's ups and downs ;) 
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JackieDecides Rookie

JackieDecides

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On 1/29/2024 at 6:18 AM, Happy2Heal said:

but this ED doc is writing that my afib episode was MY FAULT for not taking a drug I was not supposed to be taking!

 

OMG I don't blame you for being angry, I feel the same on your behalf. it's exhausting to feel like you can't trust most/all of the the system we are attempting to get our "healthcare" from! 

 

Glad to hear you will be getting a new mouse or already have. 😍

Currently taking Ramapril (blood pressure) 5 mg twice a day

Omeprazole 10 mg AM and 20 mg PM  (the taper has gone nowhere after the first cut)

Famotidine   once a day (and I still needs tums sometimes)

magnesium 200 mg at night

as of yesterday 2 fish oil capsules "EPA-DHA 1000"

 

off Lexapro as of 5/2018  - last dose had been 5 mg every other day for a couple years

 

highest dose had been 20 mg at which point I was diagnosed with Bipolar II, which went away when I cut the lexapro down to 15 mg. 

 

I spent years on Paxil before Lexapro (can't remember dose), briefly on Effexor and Abilify and others I have forgotten. in fact, when I was diagnoses with BPII I was put on all kinds of things which made me feel so bad I stopped them cold turkey within maybe 3 or 4 weeks, thank goodness. since then I've known these pills were terrible and I weaned down the Lexapro with zero help or support over I'm not sure how many years. 

 

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Happy2Heal Contributor

Happy2Heal

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just stopping in to say I'll be too busy to stop in a for a bit, so if I don't respond right away, I'm sorry....

but

I am moving!!

 

and in the process of taking a good look at my life and at my future, I realized I've been a member here for over 9 yrs!!

 

The information, support, and advice I've gotten here has literally been life changing and probably saved my life.

 

I feel profound gratitude that Alto started this site and that so many kind and dedicated and knowledgeable and generous people are here continuing to do this important work

 

I still come back here when I am stuck and need to brush up on my non drug coping skills

:)

 

 

 

 

 

ok now back to my sorting and packing! I've got so much stuff I need to get rid of!! arggg!

 

 

 

 

2

Taking a break from mentoring, please do not message or tag me, thank you! 
Got some personal stuff to deal with and am not able to give you my full attention. 

I will remove this reminder when I am back. Keep on swimming, my friends. 

😊

  • pysch med history: 1974 @ age 18 to Oct 2017 (approx 43 yrs total) 
  •  Drug list: stelazine, haldol, elavil, lithium, zoloft, celexa, lexapro(doses as high as 40mgs), klonopin, ambien, seroquel(high doses), depakote, zyprexa, lamictal- plus brief trials of dozens of other psych meds over the years
  • started lexapro 2002, dose varied from 20mgs to 40mgs. First attempt to get off it was 2007- WD symptoms were mistaken for "relapse". 
  •  2013 too fast taper down to 5mg but WD forced me back to 20mgs
  •  June of 2105, tapered again too rapidly to 2.5mgs by Dec 2015. Found SA, held at 2.5 mgs til May 2016 when I foolishly "jumped off". felt ok until  Sept, then acute WD hit!!  reinstated at 0.3mgs in Oct. 2106
  • Tapered off to zero by  Oct. 2017 Doing very well. 
  • Nov. 2018 feel 95% healed, age 63 
  • Jan. 2020 feel 100% healed, peaceful and content
  • PRESENT DAYS:  Loving life! ❤️ with all it's ups and downs ;) 
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JackieDecides Rookie

JackieDecides

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Posted

moving is hard work but I hope to hear you got a place you like out of it and will be interested to hear if you are in the same town. But I do not come here often myself and also am happy to hear if you are too busy with Real Life to hang out here. that's really the ideal situation for any of us! 

Currently taking Ramapril (blood pressure) 5 mg twice a day

Omeprazole 10 mg AM and 20 mg PM  (the taper has gone nowhere after the first cut)

Famotidine   once a day (and I still needs tums sometimes)

magnesium 200 mg at night

as of yesterday 2 fish oil capsules "EPA-DHA 1000"

 

off Lexapro as of 5/2018  - last dose had been 5 mg every other day for a couple years

 

highest dose had been 20 mg at which point I was diagnosed with Bipolar II, which went away when I cut the lexapro down to 15 mg. 

 

I spent years on Paxil before Lexapro (can't remember dose), briefly on Effexor and Abilify and others I have forgotten. in fact, when I was diagnoses with BPII I was put on all kinds of things which made me feel so bad I stopped them cold turkey within maybe 3 or 4 weeks, thank goodness. since then I've known these pills were terrible and I weaned down the Lexapro with zero help or support over I'm not sure how many years. 

 

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Happy2Heal Contributor

Happy2Heal

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Posted (edited)

Quick update:
I've moved and I LOVE my new apt! the people here are so nice, it's a very supportive community

 

I do miss my mice (I can't have pet rodents here) There are many times I am doing something and think of them, something as simple as an empty toilet paper roll because I saved mine for the rats or gerbils or mice. Eating corn on the cob, because rodents really love those! 

what I've been doing is feeling that twinge of sadness and then focusing on what it was that I was so fond of (the way the rats relished eating corn) and honestly the way that most animals live in the moment and seem to truly enjoy all that is good in their world,

and so I am re dedicating myself to focusing on THAT - on the way they live their lives.

Truly immersing myself in the joy and not holding onto sadness, regret, anger, etc. Just living in the moment and letting feelings come and go. 

But really appreciating the good times. 

I'm re learning how to see the world the way kids and animals do- like the place full of wonders that it truly is.

🌞:D

 

Also when I miss having pets, I think about all the care that I gave them and how it felt good to do that, but, honestly- I was spending too much money and giving them more care than I had time or energy to give myself.

So my current goal is to take the time and spend the money, on the things that I need! esp for my health. In that spirit, I got new eyeglasses and new shoes and will probably be getting a new knee (my right one is just a mess)


It does feel awkward putting myself first this way, I've always put others before me, but I am growing to like it.😆  It puts me in a much better mood and that leads me to be a more pleasant person to be around, so really it's not a totally selfish thing to do.

 

 

 

I'm starting to get into a bit of a routine and that is very good for my health too. I'm keeping better hours, sleeping better and eating better. I've got 5-8 lbs that I want to lose and I need to work on building back some muscle and I'm doing that gradually.

 

Spring has sprung here and the flowering trees are beautiful. 🌻 I have a great view out my windows. I am growing lettuce indoors and still have my community garden plot one town over (so lucky they allowed me to keep it)

 

I've got all my old hobbies, sewing and such and I'm just very happy. And very busy!

 

I will be back in a month or so to help around the forum but for now I need this time to settle in and get my bearings and  take care of some health concerns.

 

I hope everyone is doing well

Edited by Happy2Heal
5

Taking a break from mentoring, please do not message or tag me, thank you! 
Got some personal stuff to deal with and am not able to give you my full attention. 

I will remove this reminder when I am back. Keep on swimming, my friends. 

😊

  • pysch med history: 1974 @ age 18 to Oct 2017 (approx 43 yrs total) 
  •  Drug list: stelazine, haldol, elavil, lithium, zoloft, celexa, lexapro(doses as high as 40mgs), klonopin, ambien, seroquel(high doses), depakote, zyprexa, lamictal- plus brief trials of dozens of other psych meds over the years
  • started lexapro 2002, dose varied from 20mgs to 40mgs. First attempt to get off it was 2007- WD symptoms were mistaken for "relapse". 
  •  2013 too fast taper down to 5mg but WD forced me back to 20mgs
  •  June of 2105, tapered again too rapidly to 2.5mgs by Dec 2015. Found SA, held at 2.5 mgs til May 2016 when I foolishly "jumped off". felt ok until  Sept, then acute WD hit!!  reinstated at 0.3mgs in Oct. 2106
  • Tapered off to zero by  Oct. 2017 Doing very well. 
  • Nov. 2018 feel 95% healed, age 63 
  • Jan. 2020 feel 100% healed, peaceful and content
  • PRESENT DAYS:  Loving life! ❤️ with all it's ups and downs ;) 
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Ariel Grand Master

Ariel

Posted
Posted

Dear @Happy2Heal

It makes me very, very happy to read your update. Thank you so much for sharing this, what a gift!

You are amazing and a true inspiration. Sending you all my love and gratitude, and celebrating you!

1

1996-2018 - misc. polypharmacy, incl. SSRIs, SNRIs, neuroleptics, lithium, benzos, stimulants, antihistamines, etc. (approx. 30+ drugs)

2012-2018 - 10mg lexapro/escitalopram (20mg?)    Jan. 2018 - 10mg -> 5mg, then from 5mg -> 2.5mg, then 0mg  -->  July 2018 - 0mg

2017(?)-2020 - vyvanse/lisdexamfetamine 60-70mg    2020-2021 - 70mg down to 0mg  -->  July 2021 - 0mg

March-April 2021 - vortioxetine 5-10mg (approx. 7 weeks total; CT)  -->  April 28th, 2021 - 0mg

August 2021 - 2mg melatonin   August 1, 2022 - 1mg melatonin   March 31, 2023 - 0mg melatonin

2024 supplements update: electrolyte blend in water sipped throughout the day; 1 tsp cod liver oil blend (incl. vit. A+D+E) w/ breakfast; calcium; vitamin C+zinc

 

Courage is fear that has said its prayers.  - Karle Wilson Baker

love and justice are not two. without inner change, there can be no outer change; without collective change, no change matters.  - Rev. angel Kyodo williams

Holding multiple truths. Knowing that everyone has their own accurate view of the way things are.  - text on homemade banner at Afiya house

 

I am not a medical professional; this is not medical advice. 

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Marsha Rookie

Marsha

Posted
Posted

It is good to read that you are settling in and tending to your health. Your name says it all. 

I am not a medical professional. My comments and posts are based on my personal experiences. Please consult appropriate medical professionals for advice. 

I was started on psych drugs back in the late 80's. You name it. I probably was on it. 47 different drugs. Over 57 thousand pills. Tapered off final cocktail February 1st, 2013- September 9th, 2019. For Hashimotos I take Levothyroxine. Liothyronine. BP meds. For supplements I take B12 hydroxy. Fish oil w/D3. Bee pollen. Magnesium Glycinate. 

 

 

 

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JackieDecides Rookie

JackieDecides

Posted
Posted
On 4/17/2024 at 6:50 AM, Happy2Heal said:

I LOVE my new apt! the people here are so nice, it's a very supportive community

very good news!!!! 🥰

Currently taking Ramapril (blood pressure) 5 mg twice a day

Omeprazole 10 mg AM and 20 mg PM  (the taper has gone nowhere after the first cut)

Famotidine   once a day (and I still needs tums sometimes)

magnesium 200 mg at night

as of yesterday 2 fish oil capsules "EPA-DHA 1000"

 

off Lexapro as of 5/2018  - last dose had been 5 mg every other day for a couple years

 

highest dose had been 20 mg at which point I was diagnosed with Bipolar II, which went away when I cut the lexapro down to 15 mg. 

 

I spent years on Paxil before Lexapro (can't remember dose), briefly on Effexor and Abilify and others I have forgotten. in fact, when I was diagnoses with BPII I was put on all kinds of things which made me feel so bad I stopped them cold turkey within maybe 3 or 4 weeks, thank goodness. since then I've known these pills were terrible and I weaned down the Lexapro with zero help or support over I'm not sure how many years. 

 

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  • 2 weeks later...
  • Mentor
Happy2Heal Contributor

Happy2Heal

Posted
  • Author
  • Mentor
Posted (edited)

just a little update!

I am going to take a break from mentoring


I am almost 7 yrs past getting to "zero" (It will be seven years in October) and overall, I'm doing well


I've struggled off and on, very very infrequently, with periods of being emotional, esp feeling deep sadness and grief.

I thought at first that this was due to having all my feelings blunted for so many decades; like a back log of emotions I wasn't able to feel back then

and that could still be part of the reason for these few short episodes

 

I also wondered if they were PTSD related and that may be true too

 

but they could also be waves, very minor waves related to WD recovery

 

there are times when other extremely mild symptoms come along with these short bursts of grief (or sometimes anger) that are not related to past losses or PTSD at all- physical things similar to those I had in acute withdrawal but in a much much milder form

 

so, yeh, healing is an on going process

 

I was back to a fully functioning and happy person fairly quickly in the grand scheme of things and I am still so glad that turned out to be the case!

I am so busy, I have friends who constantly complain of boredom and that just astounds me

 

I am NEVER bored! I have so much I want to do, so much I want to learn, so much I still  want to experience

My life has never been as good as it is now

It's thrilling

 

Even as I look forward to some difficult surgery (a total knee replacement) I am eager to get to the other side of it and get back to being able to walk long distances and garden and all the other things I enjoy doing

 

so I'm sorry I won't be around for a bit but I will be back!

the members of this forum have given me so much, I still feel indebted and want to give back where I can

 

but for now, I am putting all my effort and energy into taking care of me

 

feels odd but also good

 

thanks to everyone who continues to moderate and mentor and to all the brave members who are getting thru this most difficult journey one day at a time

who share their stories and what works for them and to those who hold each other up and offer shoulders to cry on

and support and ideas and all that you wonderful folks are doing on here

 

best group I've ever been a member of!

 

please continue to take care of yourselves and each other! and know that WD is just a short segment of your journey 

It's going to be ok! 

maybe even GREAT as it has been for me.

that is my wish and hope for you all

 

❤️

 

Edited by Happy2Heal
4

Taking a break from mentoring, please do not message or tag me, thank you! 
Got some personal stuff to deal with and am not able to give you my full attention. 

I will remove this reminder when I am back. Keep on swimming, my friends. 

😊

  • pysch med history: 1974 @ age 18 to Oct 2017 (approx 43 yrs total) 
  •  Drug list: stelazine, haldol, elavil, lithium, zoloft, celexa, lexapro(doses as high as 40mgs), klonopin, ambien, seroquel(high doses), depakote, zyprexa, lamictal- plus brief trials of dozens of other psych meds over the years
  • started lexapro 2002, dose varied from 20mgs to 40mgs. First attempt to get off it was 2007- WD symptoms were mistaken for "relapse". 
  •  2013 too fast taper down to 5mg but WD forced me back to 20mgs
  •  June of 2105, tapered again too rapidly to 2.5mgs by Dec 2015. Found SA, held at 2.5 mgs til May 2016 when I foolishly "jumped off". felt ok until  Sept, then acute WD hit!!  reinstated at 0.3mgs in Oct. 2106
  • Tapered off to zero by  Oct. 2017 Doing very well. 
  • Nov. 2018 feel 95% healed, age 63 
  • Jan. 2020 feel 100% healed, peaceful and content
  • PRESENT DAYS:  Loving life! ❤️ with all it's ups and downs ;) 
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Ariel Grand Master

Ariel

Posted
Posted

Dear, dear @Happy2Heal

 

Reading your update brings tears to my eyes. I am so, so, so happy for you! And very grateful to you for sharing, caring, mentoring, and being such a radiant example of healing, resilience, hard work, and the will to live. You deserve all of it!

 

Thank you so very much for spreading your joy, for shining your light, and for wishing us well. Your healing is my healing, your story speaks to me on so many levels, and I just know every cell in my body is paying attention and learning from your wisdom. 

 

11 hours ago, Happy2Heal said:

for now, I am putting all my effort and energy into taking care of me

 

This may just be my favorite part, and a true testament to the depth of your healing and wisdom! Yes, yes, take care of your precious self, give yourself all the love and attention! We are all better for it, when you give to yourself we all benefit, I assure you. The world is a better place with you in it, in all your vibrant, operational glory. How brilliant of you to put yourself first, practicing radical self-love and self-compassion, that's the correct priority. Hooray!

 

I adore you, I salute and applaud you, I celebrate you, I dance with you and am so profoundly grateful to you. 

Wishing you continued continuous healing, health, happiness, peace, light, lightness, ease of well-being, delight and deliciousness on your path,

With love,

A. 

 

2

1996-2018 - misc. polypharmacy, incl. SSRIs, SNRIs, neuroleptics, lithium, benzos, stimulants, antihistamines, etc. (approx. 30+ drugs)

2012-2018 - 10mg lexapro/escitalopram (20mg?)    Jan. 2018 - 10mg -> 5mg, then from 5mg -> 2.5mg, then 0mg  -->  July 2018 - 0mg

2017(?)-2020 - vyvanse/lisdexamfetamine 60-70mg    2020-2021 - 70mg down to 0mg  -->  July 2021 - 0mg

March-April 2021 - vortioxetine 5-10mg (approx. 7 weeks total; CT)  -->  April 28th, 2021 - 0mg

August 2021 - 2mg melatonin   August 1, 2022 - 1mg melatonin   March 31, 2023 - 0mg melatonin

2024 supplements update: electrolyte blend in water sipped throughout the day; 1 tsp cod liver oil blend (incl. vit. A+D+E) w/ breakfast; calcium; vitamin C+zinc

 

Courage is fear that has said its prayers.  - Karle Wilson Baker

love and justice are not two. without inner change, there can be no outer change; without collective change, no change matters.  - Rev. angel Kyodo williams

Holding multiple truths. Knowing that everyone has their own accurate view of the way things are.  - text on homemade banner at Afiya house

 

I am not a medical professional; this is not medical advice. 

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Tulip52 Contributor

Tulip52

Posted
Posted

Awww, I wish I had found you earlier but love that you have survived this WD hell and are now living your best life.  Awesome job!!

1

1994-2002 several different SSRI’s,  klonopin.   
2002 ct klonopin,  2 wks later put back on klonopin, added  Seroquel & lexapro, 

2002 weaned klonopin 2003 weaned off seroquel.  2006 Ct lexapro, six week later added  imipramine 250mg, 2016-2017  imipramine taper 150mg,  2017-2019 100 mg, Jan 2020 50mg, 2 weeks later 60 mg November 2022 56 mg December 2022 50mg 4/5/23 47mg April 2023 40mg june 23,2023 35mg, April 15, 2024 33mg, May 15, 2024 32mg, 5/27/24 30mg, 6/09/24 29mg, 6/14 28mg, 8/2 27mg

Ropinirole 1/2020  3/21 ropinirol 2 mg 

Ozempic 4/2023 .25, 6/26/23 .37mg 12/1/23 .39mg, 4/24 40mg, 5/16/24 .25mg 6/14 0mg

clonidine .1mg 1/2024

Supplements: boron, diatomaceous earth, cream of tartar  and Celtic sea salt, transdermal magnesium oil

 

 

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JackieDecides Rookie

JackieDecides

Posted
Posted
On 5/9/2024 at 7:12 PM, Happy2Heal said:

Even as I look forward to some difficult surgery (a total knee replacement)

 

 

Taking care of you sounds like a good idea so I'm glad that is your plan. I wish you an uneventful surgery and a fast recovery. 

2

Currently taking Ramapril (blood pressure) 5 mg twice a day

Omeprazole 10 mg AM and 20 mg PM  (the taper has gone nowhere after the first cut)

Famotidine   once a day (and I still needs tums sometimes)

magnesium 200 mg at night

as of yesterday 2 fish oil capsules "EPA-DHA 1000"

 

off Lexapro as of 5/2018  - last dose had been 5 mg every other day for a couple years

 

highest dose had been 20 mg at which point I was diagnosed with Bipolar II, which went away when I cut the lexapro down to 15 mg. 

 

I spent years on Paxil before Lexapro (can't remember dose), briefly on Effexor and Abilify and others I have forgotten. in fact, when I was diagnoses with BPII I was put on all kinds of things which made me feel so bad I stopped them cold turkey within maybe 3 or 4 weeks, thank goodness. since then I've known these pills were terrible and I weaned down the Lexapro with zero help or support over I'm not sure how many years. 

 

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FindRest Contributor

FindRest

Posted
  • Mentor
Posted

Glad you are putting yourself first and taking care of that knee. Please give us updates as you “walk” through that (pun intended, lol).

 

You have helped so many of us and have given much of yourself, time, and wisdom. We will miss you while you are gone.

 

I pray for a successful surgery with as little pain as possible in the recovery process … and a totally pain-free new joint!!!

 

TAKE CARE.

1

1988-1996  Various AD’s, all classifications.  1996-2019  Effexor XR 37.5mg to 150mg. Jan 2017 onward, 37.5 mg.

2019  Apr 11 - July 24: Trials of Latuda then Rexulti. CT'd off per dr.  Jul 24: CT Effexor (per dr)  Sep 9-19: Viibryd, CT (per dr).  Sep 23-27: Trintellix. CT (per dr).  Sep 28 - Oct 24:  Prozac 10mg.  Oct 24:  Stop Prozac, began Pristiq 25mg->50->25mg.

2020  Feb 1: CT Pristiq. Feb 1: Reinstated Effexor XR (10 large beads) gradually increasing to 22 beads (15L+7M) or 9.072mgai on Mar, 2020.

2021  Started Jan w 21 beads (13L+8M) or 8.47mgai ended Dec: 17 beads (7L+9M+1S) or 6.19mgai. Severe COVID + TIA.

2022  Ended yr w 14 beads (3L+5M+5S+1XS) or 4.5mgai. Major jaw injury during year + family tragedy.

2023  Jan: 13 beads (2L+5M+5S+1XS) or 4.2mgai; Feb: 12 beads (2L+4M+5S+1XS) or 3.9mgai; Mar: 11 beads (2L+4M+4S+1XS) or 3.6mgai, Apr: 10 beads (2L+3M+4S+1XS) or 3.3mgai; Jun: 9 beads (2L+3M+3S+1XS) or 3mgai,

 

Current: July, 2023: Effexor XR -  9 beads (2L+3M+3S+1XS) or 2.7 mgai

Other current meds: Ambien 10mg 3.935mg , clonazepam .125mg .107mg, omeprazole, Synthroid, Premarin.  Supplements: D3, C, probiotic, K2-MK7, Mg Glycinate

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Happy2Heal Contributor

Happy2Heal

Posted
  • Author
  • Mentor
Posted
On 5/17/2024 at 12:24 AM, FindRest said:

Glad you are putting yourself first and taking care of that knee. Please give us updates as you “walk” through that (pun intended, lol).

 

thanks @FindRest

 

love the pun- I am so hoping this makes it much easier for me to walk


I love walking, it's what I've always done for fun and also to deal with strong emotions PLUS it's my "thinking time"... I sort so many things out when I'm walking

 

now that I can't do that, I've had to try to find other ways to handle those things, and honestly it hasn't gone super well.

 

I'm  moving to music (can't call it dancing as I've got zero dance skills, hahaha) but it's something to keep the blood pumping

 

as for thinking, well....hmmm.... I just slog thru. I feel quite dull lately.

 

one thing I've found that helps is spending time with friends, just having fun (for us, that usually includes pinochle or mexican train dominoes)

 

there's a bunch of exercise classes I want to go back to after my surgery, the sr center is bringing back the BoneBuilders free class, I want to do that.

 

Not sure when I'll be able to ride the bus to get there, I am hearing conflicting info about how long I'll need to use  a walker.

I'll just have to see how it goes!

 

I just had a breakthrough in my thinking about the surgery,  @Ariel shared a podcast link with me and OMG, it's perfect!

it reminds me of what I used to know and reinforces and amplifies the message that our brains/bodies have so much power to create the reality we want to live in.

 

we just need to think about what we are thinking about, basically, hahaha

 

I've been putting too much stock in all the warnings about what this surgery is going to be like. etc

when the truth is NO ONE knows, as it's very individual. Everyone is different.

 

I thought that preparing myself for the worst case scenario was a good idea, NO it is not!

it is much better, if I'm going to make any kind of assumptions about how this will go, to think that it will go better than most

 

It's how I got thru recovery from SSRIs- believing that things were going to go well.

and they did.

I mean, it did take some time and it was rough at first but that first part did not last very long.

I KNEW that I would recover

 

I know that I will get thru this surgery and be able to walk much better than I can now

and that's all I need to know

 

I can get thru whatever small bumps in the road come my way because that's what my Future Self  is expecting, for me to be able to handle some short term pain for some long term gain.

it will be worth it

 

just like getting off the psych drugs was worth it

 

thanks @Ariel for that very timely reminder

 

check it out yourselves- it's fantastic:

https://freakonomics.com/podcast/pay-attention-your-body-will-thank-you/

2

Taking a break from mentoring, please do not message or tag me, thank you! 
Got some personal stuff to deal with and am not able to give you my full attention. 

I will remove this reminder when I am back. Keep on swimming, my friends. 

😊

  • pysch med history: 1974 @ age 18 to Oct 2017 (approx 43 yrs total) 
  •  Drug list: stelazine, haldol, elavil, lithium, zoloft, celexa, lexapro(doses as high as 40mgs), klonopin, ambien, seroquel(high doses), depakote, zyprexa, lamictal- plus brief trials of dozens of other psych meds over the years
  • started lexapro 2002, dose varied from 20mgs to 40mgs. First attempt to get off it was 2007- WD symptoms were mistaken for "relapse". 
  •  2013 too fast taper down to 5mg but WD forced me back to 20mgs
  •  June of 2105, tapered again too rapidly to 2.5mgs by Dec 2015. Found SA, held at 2.5 mgs til May 2016 when I foolishly "jumped off". felt ok until  Sept, then acute WD hit!!  reinstated at 0.3mgs in Oct. 2106
  • Tapered off to zero by  Oct. 2017 Doing very well. 
  • Nov. 2018 feel 95% healed, age 63 
  • Jan. 2020 feel 100% healed, peaceful and content
  • PRESENT DAYS:  Loving life! ❤️ with all it's ups and downs ;) 
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  • Mentor
Happy2Heal Contributor

Happy2Heal

Posted
  • Author
  • Mentor
Posted (edited)

totally random but do we have any BTS fans here?

 

(the fans are called Army)

 

https://ibighit.com/bts/eng/profile/

 

https://people.com/music/bts-members-everything-to-know/

Edited by Happy2Heal

Taking a break from mentoring, please do not message or tag me, thank you! 
Got some personal stuff to deal with and am not able to give you my full attention. 

I will remove this reminder when I am back. Keep on swimming, my friends. 

😊

  • pysch med history: 1974 @ age 18 to Oct 2017 (approx 43 yrs total) 
  •  Drug list: stelazine, haldol, elavil, lithium, zoloft, celexa, lexapro(doses as high as 40mgs), klonopin, ambien, seroquel(high doses), depakote, zyprexa, lamictal- plus brief trials of dozens of other psych meds over the years
  • started lexapro 2002, dose varied from 20mgs to 40mgs. First attempt to get off it was 2007- WD symptoms were mistaken for "relapse". 
  •  2013 too fast taper down to 5mg but WD forced me back to 20mgs
  •  June of 2105, tapered again too rapidly to 2.5mgs by Dec 2015. Found SA, held at 2.5 mgs til May 2016 when I foolishly "jumped off". felt ok until  Sept, then acute WD hit!!  reinstated at 0.3mgs in Oct. 2106
  • Tapered off to zero by  Oct. 2017 Doing very well. 
  • Nov. 2018 feel 95% healed, age 63 
  • Jan. 2020 feel 100% healed, peaceful and content
  • PRESENT DAYS:  Loving life! ❤️ with all it's ups and downs ;) 
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Happy2Heal Contributor

Happy2Heal

Posted
  • Author
  • Mentor
Posted (edited)

oh I got sad news yesterday, my mentor, the guy I kind of thought of as my doctor, passed away peacefully in his sleep

 

John McDougall. You might have heard of him, he wrote many books and even after retiring, he was still actually working- doing 12 day programs online, interviews and lectures on YouTube, speaking at events and always always, every day reading scientific literature to keep up with the new science.

 

Legendary man, helped thousands if not millions of people


If I couldn't sleep at night, I would put his lectures and Q&A YT sessions on autoplay and listen to him til I drifted off to sleep

I would then have to play them later to hear what i'd missed, hahaha

 

He was so generous with his time, not unlike many of the moderators and mentors and admins and others on this forum.

He also did mentioned how the chemical imbalance theory of depression was not at all true and encouraged ppl to find non drug ways to help themselves.

 

anyway, quite sad about his passing. I looked forward to his weekly interviews on Sunday night

 

In other news- with the help of Ariel and some hard work on my own, I am tackling my anxiety about my upcoming surgery

 

I didn't want to mention it, because it almost feels like a failure on my part...

I mean, I got thru WD recovery and learned all these great tools for dealing with those symptoms

so

why was I struggling so much with this?

well part of the reason is that it's not neuro-emotions coming from my brain healing, it's regular emotions about an upcoming stressful event.

 

I don't have a lot of experience dealing with regular emotions this strong, having been drugged into numbness for 4 decades, so this has been a challenge

 

but I'm getting thru it one day at a time

I wish I didn't have so much advance notice about the surgery, it's necessary as there is a lot of preparation needed but it's hard to have that feeling like it's hanging over your head, ya know?

 

but anyway!! I'm finding ways to address the anxiety and fear.

 

I discovered that I've been mindlessly stress eating, just stuffing food in my mouth when I'm not even hungry,

It was hard to miss when I stepped on the scale on Sunday morning and saw that my wt had jumped up, after just successfully losing 8lbs.

Regained most of that in a week, damn!! hahahaha

 

I need to stop eating so close to bedtime, and I'm working on that

It DOES make a difference in sleep quality and also in the cortisol spikes I was having, last night I had NO cortisol spike! nice!!

 

so I will continue to stop eating by 7pm at the latest. 6 would be better.

 

I had started to think that maybe I was in a wave- which I guess is possible even this far out (I felt totally healed in 2020, so this would be 4 yrs), esp considering the long drug history I have,

and while I don't know and probably can't know if that's what I've been dealing with

 

all of the anxiety literally melted from my body when I realized that it was my THINKING about the surgery that was causing me distress

 

cant be the surgery, it's not even happened yet!

 

it's amazing how much distress we cause ourselves by what we are thinking

 

it really is

 

and sometimes it's hard to recognize that, but when you do OH THE WONDERFUL freedom of knowing you don't have to believe all the thoughts that pop into your head

 

you don't have to give them that power. You can challenge them, you can talk back to them and you can change your mind and think something else that is more helpful

 

you can choose to have a positive outlook without ignoring any real obstacles you may face, you just plan for those and then hope for the best

 

MOST of the time, the things we worry and fret about do NOT happen

it seems simple to say, don't borrow trouble

but we do it over and over again, I see it all the time

I've done it too many times myself

 

but now I am aware of that tendency to think the worst and can confront it head on

 

I've been so much lighter and felt incredibly relaxed since giving up my attachment to those thoughts and anxieties

 

in this moment I am safe

there is nothing bad happening to me

I can only live in this moment

I can not go back to a past moment

I can't fast forward to the future, 

and where I am now there is peace

there is no major discomfort (but sometimes there is, but I handle that in the moment and it's really not that hard to do)

 

so yes I have recovered from getting off those drugs but I am still living life and that comes with ups and downs

However I need to keep an eye out still for the ways that my own thoughts and beliefs shape how I am feeling

 

more about the beliefs part later..

 

off to my PT - doing what they call pre hab (vs re hab) to get my muscles strong so I will have an easier recovery

 

later gators

 


 

Edited by Happy2Heal
5

Taking a break from mentoring, please do not message or tag me, thank you! 
Got some personal stuff to deal with and am not able to give you my full attention. 

I will remove this reminder when I am back. Keep on swimming, my friends. 

😊

  • pysch med history: 1974 @ age 18 to Oct 2017 (approx 43 yrs total) 
  •  Drug list: stelazine, haldol, elavil, lithium, zoloft, celexa, lexapro(doses as high as 40mgs), klonopin, ambien, seroquel(high doses), depakote, zyprexa, lamictal- plus brief trials of dozens of other psych meds over the years
  • started lexapro 2002, dose varied from 20mgs to 40mgs. First attempt to get off it was 2007- WD symptoms were mistaken for "relapse". 
  •  2013 too fast taper down to 5mg but WD forced me back to 20mgs
  •  June of 2105, tapered again too rapidly to 2.5mgs by Dec 2015. Found SA, held at 2.5 mgs til May 2016 when I foolishly "jumped off". felt ok until  Sept, then acute WD hit!!  reinstated at 0.3mgs in Oct. 2106
  • Tapered off to zero by  Oct. 2017 Doing very well. 
  • Nov. 2018 feel 95% healed, age 63 
  • Jan. 2020 feel 100% healed, peaceful and content
  • PRESENT DAYS:  Loving life! ❤️ with all it's ups and downs ;) 
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arbor Contributor

arbor

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Thank you @Happy2Heal  

what an inspiring message this is.  It's good of you to share it.  I'm sorry for the loss of your mentor whose work I look forward to knowing better.  Please know that I'm plugging for you as you go through the "steps" of healing your knee.  Arbor💜

1

Zoloft: 1995 - 2015

Prozac: 2015 - 2018 (tapered from 40mg x day on July 31 to 30mg on August 31 to 20mg on September 31 to 10mg October 31 to 0mg on  December 15, 2018

Gabapentin: 2016 to 2019  (tapered from 300mg x day to 150mg on August 31, 2019 to 75mg on September 15 to 50mg on September 31 to 25ishmg on October 15 to 0mg on December 1, 2019

Enalapril: 2010 - 2019

Lipitor: 2017 -2017

Metformin: 2000 - 2020

Liothyronine: 2007 - 2019

Levothyroxine: 2000 - 2022

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Happy2Heal Contributor

Happy2Heal

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On 6/26/2024 at 9:47 AM, arbor said:

  Please know that I'm plugging for you as you go through the "steps" of healing your knee.  Arbor💜

thank you so much @arbor

 

I must admit to feeling somewhat embarrassed when folks call my messages inspiring....

To be honest, I am mostly writing things I need to be telling myself, I think...

Or things that are on my mind, 

and since at times I am prone to going down into a dark hole of self pity or regrets, I make a point to try to bring myself up (unless I'm in the mood for a good wallow- I will do that too but try to limit that to no more than a day or better still a few hours)

if that seems inspiring, that's great but honestly it's mostly my way of keeping myself on track to sticking with a positive attitude. It's a pep talk I need to hear. If it helps anyone else that is great but since it's motivated by my own needs, to me it's just mostly selfish.... *blush*

 

the rest of this post could be considered more of a journal of my thoughts and is not really related to wd recovery, at least not directly  (but has some thoughts that might apply)

just a head's up that its more of the same selfish stuff, hahaha

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

I am finding myself at a crossroads in my life... watching friends decline in health and pass away... 

Having wasted so much of my life drugged and isolated and having not done much with it at all, and now wanting to make the most of the time I have left....

and............. after finally making peace with and finding ways to deal with the anxiety about it........
I have indefinitely postponed the surgery. 

I didn't see this coming. It makes me question so many other things in my life.


I realized today how profoundly I am influenced by my thoughts and beliefs, by something that happened while playing cards with friends.

It was a simple thing, and something that If I had been paying attention, would have made me very happy - but I missed it

and why?

because it was not what I expected to happen.

I literally did not SEE it!

 

This is just one of many different things I am noticing that I have been not seeing clearly.

 

I started PT as Pre Hab for the knee surgery. After hearing that the stronger you get before hand, the better and easier recovery will be,
I have been working diligently to do what the PT said to do. 

 

and I am amazed at the results. 

 

My leg is straighter after only 2 days of exercises- easy ones no less!

I'm like, what is going on here??

 

and then, another session, a bit more intense, but same thing, huge improvement in strength and mobility. Still a lot of pain in my feet... but I'm able to do things I didn't even know were possible anymore, such as lunges.

Things I have not even tried to do in years!!

 

and I'm asking myself why. Why did I stop trying? what beliefs did I have that I could no longer do these things? 


I wonder if it's the company I keep- at least in part:

I hang out with older people, I've mentioned before, most of them 10 to 20 years older than me, some are in their 90s (I'm 68)

 

I've had trouble with my knees all the time I have known them.(8 yrs now)  They see me struggling with them and they are constantly urging me to get the surgery done (and of course the ortho docs are saying the same thing- but then they stand to gain financially from it, so I wouldn't expect anything less from them)

 

and every single one of them will say "but you know, it's only going to get worse!!"

 

and while I know that that is NOT necessarily true, it seems like maybe I've been on the look out for problems to arrive... maybe I've bought this whole line of thinking,

and have been too quick to assume any loss of function was proof of deterioration that could not be reversed....

that things were indeed just getting worse

 

But 2 sessions of PT prove that that is not the case! my knee what was stuck at 5 degrees of flexion for years,  is now totally straight and that only took a few days!  🤯

 

I have often suggested to members here, esp those in the early stages of wd recovery, to keep on the lookout for the good things, the small signs of healing, because you will see them if you look for them.


I think this is the case with everything- we see what we expect to see, and disregard or just don't see anything to the contrary-

and when our focus is mostly on "oh no, what is going to go wrong next?" we may only see things that go wrong...

or imagine small things to be much worse than they really are,

possibly at the same time missing some things that are going well or getting better


I am as guilty of this as the next person. I think we are evolutionarily programed to look for trouble so that we stay alive- but the environment that we evolved in, has drastically changed-we don't live with that kind of danger on a daily basis (the fear of being eaten by a predator etc)

However we are kind of hardwired to stay on the look out for the bad stuff

 

We have to work hard to look for the good things or the neutral ones

and to see what is actually happening and not what we expect or fear may happen

 

In spite of having read evidence to the contrary, I bought into the belief that my knee would and could only get worse

 

but a few days of PT showed me that is NOT true!
can I get it to a point where I can put off surgery forever? I don't know but I am sure going to try.


Recovery from knee surgery takes a good year! I don't want to give up that much time out of my new found GREAT life


instead, I am actually re evaluating all of my plans for the future

I have been doing a lot of things out of just habit!

not even thinking about if it's what I still want to be doing

 

I have discovered that I am not esp fond of spending time with people- I am not a socializer, I have a lot of things I prefer to do alone and only a few things I enjoy doing with others.

I have a good core group of friends to turn to for support and I'm good with that.

When I am lonely I tend to reach out to friends in real life or in groups that I belong to online.


I am going to be spending some time trying new things and finding out what direction I'd like to my life to take. 
 

I may come here to "talk aloud"  about these things, if no one minds...

It's kind of the next steps after recovery, building a life...

 

and since so many of you have shared so much of my life already, this feels like a comfortable place to share it

I don't really need anyone to read it, unless they want to  of course,  and comment if you'd like, I would welcome that, but don't want any one to feel obligated to do so.

 

 

 

 so to wrap this up: I am going to make an effort to see what other beliefs I have that may be affecting how I see things and the decisions I am making....

I am going to try to be more present in my life and less on auto pilot.........

I am going to figure out what things bring me pleasure and feel purposeful and what things are just time wasters.

 

this is my little pledge to myself

 on this day in the summer of 2024

 

let's see if I can stick to it! 

(I have a bit of a lazy streak sometimes hahahaha)

 

 

 

3

Taking a break from mentoring, please do not message or tag me, thank you! 
Got some personal stuff to deal with and am not able to give you my full attention. 

I will remove this reminder when I am back. Keep on swimming, my friends. 

😊

  • pysch med history: 1974 @ age 18 to Oct 2017 (approx 43 yrs total) 
  •  Drug list: stelazine, haldol, elavil, lithium, zoloft, celexa, lexapro(doses as high as 40mgs), klonopin, ambien, seroquel(high doses), depakote, zyprexa, lamictal- plus brief trials of dozens of other psych meds over the years
  • started lexapro 2002, dose varied from 20mgs to 40mgs. First attempt to get off it was 2007- WD symptoms were mistaken for "relapse". 
  •  2013 too fast taper down to 5mg but WD forced me back to 20mgs
  •  June of 2105, tapered again too rapidly to 2.5mgs by Dec 2015. Found SA, held at 2.5 mgs til May 2016 when I foolishly "jumped off". felt ok until  Sept, then acute WD hit!!  reinstated at 0.3mgs in Oct. 2106
  • Tapered off to zero by  Oct. 2017 Doing very well. 
  • Nov. 2018 feel 95% healed, age 63 
  • Jan. 2020 feel 100% healed, peaceful and content
  • PRESENT DAYS:  Loving life! ❤️ with all it's ups and downs ;) 
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Tulip52 Contributor

Tulip52

Posted
Posted
On 6/26/2024 at 8:04 AM, Happy2Heal said:

oh I got sad news yesterday, my mentor, the guy I kind of thought of as my doctor, passed away peacefully in his sleep

 

John McDougall. You might have heard of him, he wrote many books and even after retiring, he was still actually working- doing 12 day programs online, interviews and lectures on YouTube, speaking at events and always always, every day reading scientific literature to keep up with the new science.

 

Legendary man, helped thousands if not millions of people


If I couldn't sleep at night, I would put his lectures and Q&A YT sessions on autoplay and listen to him til I drifted off to sleep

I would then have to play them later to hear what i'd missed, hahaha

 

He was so generous with his time, not unlike many of the moderators and mentors and admins and others on this forum.

He also did mentioned how the chemical imbalance theory of depression was not at all true and encouraged ppl to find non drug ways to help themselves.

 

anyway, quite sad about his passing. I looked forward to his weekly interviews on Sunday night

 

In other news- with the help of Ariel and some hard work on my own, I am tackling my anxiety about my upcoming surgery

 

I didn't want to mention it, because it almost feels like a failure on my part...

I mean, I got thru WD recovery and learned all these great tools for dealing with those symptoms

so

why was I struggling so much with this?

well part of the reason is that it's not neuro-emotions coming from my brain healing, it's regular emotions about an upcoming stressful event.

 

I don't have a lot of experience dealing with regular emotions this strong, having been drugged into numbness for 4 decades, so this has been a challenge

 

but I'm getting thru it one day at a time

I wish I didn't have so much advance notice about the surgery, it's necessary as there is a lot of preparation needed but it's hard to have that feeling like it's hanging over your head, ya know?

 

but anyway!! I'm finding ways to address the anxiety and fear.

 

I discovered that I've been mindlessly stress eating, just stuffing food in my mouth when I'm not even hungry,

It was hard to miss when I stepped on the scale on Sunday morning and saw that my wt had jumped up, after just successfully losing 8lbs.

Regained most of that in a week, damn!! hahahaha

 

I need to stop eating so close to bedtime, and I'm working on that

It DOES make a difference in sleep quality and also in the cortisol spikes I was having, last night I had NO cortisol spike! nice!!

 

so I will continue to stop eating by 7pm at the latest. 6 would be better.

 

I had started to think that maybe I was in a wave- which I guess is possible even this far out (I felt totally healed in 2020, so this would be 4 yrs), esp considering the long drug history I have,

and while I don't know and probably can't know if that's what I've been dealing with

 

all of the anxiety literally melted from my body when I realized that it was my THINKING about the surgery that was causing me distress

 

cant be the surgery, it's not even happened yet!

 

it's amazing how much distress we cause ourselves by what we are thinking

 

it really is

 

and sometimes it's hard to recognize that, but when you do OH THE WONDERFUL freedom of knowing you don't have to believe all the thoughts that pop into your head

 

you don't have to give them that power. You can challenge them, you can talk back to them and you can change your mind and think something else that is more helpful

 

you can choose to have a positive outlook without ignoring any real obstacles you may face, you just plan for those and then hope for the best

 

MOST of the time, the things we worry and fret about do NOT happen

it seems simple to say, don't borrow trouble

but we do it over and over again, I see it all the time

I've done it too many times myself

 

but now I am aware of that tendency to think the worst and can confront it head on

 

I've been so much lighter and felt incredibly relaxed since giving up my attachment to those thoughts and anxieties

 

in this moment I am safe

there is nothing bad happening to me

I can only live in this moment

I can not go back to a past moment

I can't fast forward to the future, 

and where I am now there is peace

there is no major discomfort (but sometimes there is, but I handle that in the moment and it's really not that hard to do)

 

so yes I have recovered from getting off those drugs but I am still living life and that comes with ups and downs

However I need to keep an eye out still for the ways that my own thoughts and beliefs shape how I am feeling

 

more about the beliefs part later..

 

off to my PT - doing what they call pre hab (vs re hab) to get my muscles strong so I will have an easier recovery

 

later gators

 


 

Thanks for sharing this. 

1

1994-2002 several different SSRI’s,  klonopin.   
2002 ct klonopin,  2 wks later put back on klonopin, added  Seroquel & lexapro, 

2002 weaned klonopin 2003 weaned off seroquel.  2006 Ct lexapro, six week later added  imipramine 250mg, 2016-2017  imipramine taper 150mg,  2017-2019 100 mg, Jan 2020 50mg, 2 weeks later 60 mg November 2022 56 mg December 2022 50mg 4/5/23 47mg April 2023 40mg june 23,2023 35mg, April 15, 2024 33mg, May 15, 2024 32mg, 5/27/24 30mg, 6/09/24 29mg, 6/14 28mg, 8/2 27mg

Ropinirole 1/2020  3/21 ropinirol 2 mg 

Ozempic 4/2023 .25, 6/26/23 .37mg 12/1/23 .39mg, 4/24 40mg, 5/16/24 .25mg 6/14 0mg

clonidine .1mg 1/2024

Supplements: boron, diatomaceous earth, cream of tartar  and Celtic sea salt, transdermal magnesium oil

 

 

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JackieDecides Rookie

JackieDecides

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I'm so glad your rehab is going so well! 😍

Currently taking Ramapril (blood pressure) 5 mg twice a day

Omeprazole 10 mg AM and 20 mg PM  (the taper has gone nowhere after the first cut)

Famotidine   once a day (and I still needs tums sometimes)

magnesium 200 mg at night

as of yesterday 2 fish oil capsules "EPA-DHA 1000"

 

off Lexapro as of 5/2018  - last dose had been 5 mg every other day for a couple years

 

highest dose had been 20 mg at which point I was diagnosed with Bipolar II, which went away when I cut the lexapro down to 15 mg. 

 

I spent years on Paxil before Lexapro (can't remember dose), briefly on Effexor and Abilify and others I have forgotten. in fact, when I was diagnoses with BPII I was put on all kinds of things which made me feel so bad I stopped them cold turkey within maybe 3 or 4 weeks, thank goodness. since then I've known these pills were terrible and I weaned down the Lexapro with zero help or support over I'm not sure how many years. 

 

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Happy2Heal Contributor

Happy2Heal

Posted
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Posted
41 minutes ago, JackieDecides said:

I'm so glad your rehab is going so well! 

 

thanks!

I don't know if I'd call it rehab.... It was supposed to be PRE-hab for surgery

Now it's really just PT. I have a therapist who is willing to work with me to figure out what helps and what doesn't.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

1

Taking a break from mentoring, please do not message or tag me, thank you! 
Got some personal stuff to deal with and am not able to give you my full attention. 

I will remove this reminder when I am back. Keep on swimming, my friends. 

😊

  • pysch med history: 1974 @ age 18 to Oct 2017 (approx 43 yrs total) 
  •  Drug list: stelazine, haldol, elavil, lithium, zoloft, celexa, lexapro(doses as high as 40mgs), klonopin, ambien, seroquel(high doses), depakote, zyprexa, lamictal- plus brief trials of dozens of other psych meds over the years
  • started lexapro 2002, dose varied from 20mgs to 40mgs. First attempt to get off it was 2007- WD symptoms were mistaken for "relapse". 
  •  2013 too fast taper down to 5mg but WD forced me back to 20mgs
  •  June of 2105, tapered again too rapidly to 2.5mgs by Dec 2015. Found SA, held at 2.5 mgs til May 2016 when I foolishly "jumped off". felt ok until  Sept, then acute WD hit!!  reinstated at 0.3mgs in Oct. 2106
  • Tapered off to zero by  Oct. 2017 Doing very well. 
  • Nov. 2018 feel 95% healed, age 63 
  • Jan. 2020 feel 100% healed, peaceful and content
  • PRESENT DAYS:  Loving life! ❤️ with all it's ups and downs ;) 
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Happy2Heal Contributor

Happy2Heal

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Just saw this quote attributed to Florence Nightingale and found it interested:

 

"All disease, at some period or other of its course, is more or less a reparative process, not necessarily accompanied with suffering: an effort of nature to remedy a process of poisoning or of decay, which has taken place weeks, months, sometimes years beforehand, unnoticed.   

Medicine was not “the curative process.”

 

Neither medicine nor surgery “can do anything but remove obstructions; neither can cure; nature alone cures.

 

Surgery removes the bullet out of the limb, which is an obstruction to cure, but nature heals the wound. So it is with medicine; the function of an organ becomes obstructed; medicine, so far as we know, assists nature to remove the obstruction, but does nothing more.

What nursing has to do in either case is to put the patient in the best condition for nature to act upon him.

 

 

Taking a break from mentoring, please do not message or tag me, thank you! 
Got some personal stuff to deal with and am not able to give you my full attention. 

I will remove this reminder when I am back. Keep on swimming, my friends. 

😊

  • pysch med history: 1974 @ age 18 to Oct 2017 (approx 43 yrs total) 
  •  Drug list: stelazine, haldol, elavil, lithium, zoloft, celexa, lexapro(doses as high as 40mgs), klonopin, ambien, seroquel(high doses), depakote, zyprexa, lamictal- plus brief trials of dozens of other psych meds over the years
  • started lexapro 2002, dose varied from 20mgs to 40mgs. First attempt to get off it was 2007- WD symptoms were mistaken for "relapse". 
  •  2013 too fast taper down to 5mg but WD forced me back to 20mgs
  •  June of 2105, tapered again too rapidly to 2.5mgs by Dec 2015. Found SA, held at 2.5 mgs til May 2016 when I foolishly "jumped off". felt ok until  Sept, then acute WD hit!!  reinstated at 0.3mgs in Oct. 2106
  • Tapered off to zero by  Oct. 2017 Doing very well. 
  • Nov. 2018 feel 95% healed, age 63 
  • Jan. 2020 feel 100% healed, peaceful and content
  • PRESENT DAYS:  Loving life! ❤️ with all it's ups and downs ;) 
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Bawneen Contributor

Bawneen

Posted
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On 1/23/2024 at 8:11 AM, sandnit said:

Ow wow this is great to hear Happy!! It is such a unpredictable journey!!

 

Well last week the whole family got sick with Influenza. I was pretty sick with a high fever for a week. Before that some symptoms started easing up.

Now it is hard to say as I'm still recovering from influenza. Still coughing a lot and i'm really tired. Anxiety seems less though so i hope i'm true the worst of it.

 

I ordered the tapering strips i will be using to do the rest of the taper. From 5mg to 0mg in about 2 years if all goes to plan. I hope i can start my taper in the next coming months!!

 

 

 

 

 

Hi @sandnit I'm curious about the tapering strips you said you ordered?  What are they and where do you get them?  Thank you in advance Bawneen

 

Two decades Escitalopram 15 mg.  Stilnocht 10 mg nightly for last decade.

Started taper myself last January.  Worst decision ever. Halving dose to 7.5 mg 4th January 2024.   5 mg 23rd January.  2.5 mg 23rd March.  0 mg 12th April.  After approx. 50+ days symptoms began: anger, irritability, weeping outbursts, severe anxiety, chronic palpitations, panic sensations, severe day-long headaches, top of skull sore to touch, chronic insomnia (even while still taking sleeping pills), hopelessness.

Advice from SA:  5 mg in 50 ml of water; draw up 5 ml (0.5 mg). 7th-10th June 2024.  Reinstated (myself because I wanted immediate results!) 5 mg for 2 days 11/12th June 2024.  Doctor instructed 10 mg on day 14th June 2024 - one day only. Terrible advice/decision!   15th June 2024 reinstated to 0.5 mg.  Symptoms: headaches, palpitations, anxiety/panic, feeling gloomy.  26th June 2024  - increased dosage to 1 mg/10 ml of Escitalopram 5mg (dissolved in 50 ml water).  Symptoms: much longer windows, headache/palpitations. 

13th July 2024 drop to 0.9 mg for 5 weeks. Symptoms: headache most of day, feeling light-headed/dizzy sometimes, a few moments of low anxiety but these disappeared by week 4 (same week hit with chest infection - antibiotics 5 days 500mg Amoxicillin).  17th August 2024 drop to 0.81 mg for 5 weeks.  Symptoms: week 2 experienced headache frequently; a few palpitations on one day.   22nd Sept 2024 drop to 0.73 mg for 3 weeks.  Symptoms:  Headache usually starts about 2 pm for a few hours (first week). 

13th October 2024 drop to 0.66 mg.

 

10 mg Stilnocht nightly. 

Supplements:  Magnesium, Iodine, Vitamin D, Quercetin Complex  

 

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Happy2Heal Contributor

Happy2Heal

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coming up to 7 years since getting to zero 

and a little over 4 yrs of feeling 100% healed (not entirely sure that how I feel is what is actually true, but if there's any residual healing going on, it's very minor and with  symptoms that seem more chemical than anything else, are very short lived)

 

As always what complicates things in my case is that I have CPSTD and PTSD and def have PTSD from the withdrawal/recovery as well.

 

 

but from where I am today, I kind of sort my issues into a couple of different categories:

A) PTSD symptoms and personality/developmental issues from being traumatized essentially from birth- these include times when I am triggered and am dealing with fight/flight/freeze/fawn reactions, my general distrust of everyone and everything, a pervasive feeling of inadequacy and ineffectiveness esp in relationships or in any interactions with others.

It is easier for me to write to strangers I will likely meet because I feel threatened by the physical presence of humans *sigh* 

 

B)Chemical- biological- things that seem most related things that have been ingested and/or that caused biological changes in my brain and body- this includes food and sometimes physical injuries/illness

 

C) cognitive issues mainly related to what I think, believe, assume, etc. Basically non issues that become issues because of my thoughts and the feelings and actions that stem from those thoughts/beliefs. That's a category that needs a LOT of work, much more than I ever realized before.

 

 

Yes, you might guess from my focus on issues/problems that right now I am going thru an uncomfortable period of what I hope will be growth

but what feels more like a stuck place of not being able to get out of my own way, not being able to get out of my own head- and of being quite literally my own worst enemy

(something good friends of mine have prayed that I someday, somehow, stop being. I am so damn good at it though 🙄)

 

 

I am still trying to make note of times when my beliefs or pre conceived notions prevent me from seeing the truth (or as close to the truth as anyone can get)

I can much more easily recognize when someone else is seeing things based off what they expect to see (this is esp true in medical settings lately) 


I think that I often avoid being fully present because in a way it damps down my PTSD symptoms- I don't want to be fully aware because for me, that means I'm likely to see all potential dangers and not much else. 

I know that is based on long held beliefs that the world (and esp the ppl in it) is an unsafe place where bad things can and do happen often without warning- and I feel the need to be prepared for those. I will sometimes remove my glasses so that I literally can't see the expressions on peoples faces because I tend to read too much into them and see danger/disgust/disappointment and more on these faces that probably has nothing to do with me, or that may not even be there at all-  I don't know that I read people very well.  

 

so it's this huge mental fight- how to be present while convincing myself that I'm safe....

I don't know how to do it.

 

I do know when it's happened that I've been able to relax around people, and I cherish those moments so much. I make note of the people who were present and try to figure out what it is that they do that makes me feel safe- I want to learn to emulate them so that I can provide a safe place for others.

Those moments when I am able to relax with others are the times I feel fully alive and whole and content.

 

I can feel that way when I am alone or with pets/animals much more of the time, and am finding myself spending more time alone these days.


That's not a bad thing. I do try to balance it out with social time, but if I have more than a couple of uncomfortable social interactions, I quickly lose all confidence and retreat to the safely of my home, and if I can't get there, to the safety of my mind.

 

I think that's where I've been for a while lately- stuck in the relative safety of my mind.

But my mind is playing tricks on me and has me going round and round in circles lately... not sure why.... working on that

so it's not become unsafe, really but it's not good either

 

but NONE of these things are related to AD withdrawal and recovery- NONE.

They are things I would have been working on if I had not been drugged into apathy and oblivion. 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

so I'm going to leave all that for now- most of what I write about that here, is for my own "therapy", my trying to sort things out

 

as far as WD recovery goes:

I think there may be a few things that are still getting sorted. VERY minor things. 

 

one is that it seems that, while drinking coffee does not affect my sleep at all, it does seem to affect my mood. I get a rush of good feelings from the coffee but later crash and have crying jags out of the blue and for the stupidest reasons.

That's not good.

I don't know, maybe everyone has this reaction to coffee or other stimulants and just doesn't realize it- perhaps it's got nothing to do with WD recovery but is just a drug reaction.

Would I be this sensitive if I'd never been drugged? I don't know

Is this even a true sensitivity or just what caffeine does?

 

Another thing that really bothers me is this YAWNING thing!! I haven't been able to figure out what causes it!
I had it on the lexapro, it all started with taking lexapro

 

the main side effect I had when starting lexapro was yawning and sleeplessness, the jitters when the dose was way too high (20 to 40mgs) 

The yawns are so extreme it hurts my jaw and sometimes sets of TMJ

They are not the kind of yawn you have when sleepy though, no they are very different! 

 

After awhile of being on a steady dose, I noticed the yawning fits were most common in the mid afternoon, for a time I could almost set a watch by  my yawning fits (3pm!!) 

now they can come at any time and come in fits of sometimes painful yawns.

 

I suppose I should try to keep a diary to see if there's a way to figure out what causes these.

I had them when I was first put on lexapro, and IIRC they lessened over time, but would come back with any change in dose, or if I forget to take a dose.

 

I don't recall if I had them at the start of WD~ but a year or so into it I was noticing that they were  happening daily. Friends were disturbed by them (asking me if they were boring me or worrying that I needed sleep- well, back then I surely did need the sleep! but that didn't seem to be why I was yawning)
now I am very well rested but have been having yawning fits once again


It could be related to the coffee...........????

or maybe sugar? or both? I don't know. 

I have been having some more or less pure sugar lately (peppermint lifesavers and before that cough drops) I don't avoid sugar completely, that would never work for me, but I do usually have the sugar mixed with other things that have fiber etc to slow down the absorption.

 

I wonder if the sugar is having an effect on serotonin and that fluctuations are causing these yawning fits


I just don't know but I have seen other members mention yawing in relationship to lexapro

I may start a thread just to see if yawning is a WD symptom for other drugs too- or maybe do a search first to see if there's a thread already

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

hmm, well as with most of my interactions lately, whether in person, on the phone or in writing, I seem to have lost the plot and can't recall the exact reason for my coming here today- except that another anniversary of getting to zero is coming up 🙄😆

as well as a difficult time of year for me, historically, at least

But this year I am determined to change history and see it as a fun time- and not assume things will be bad just because they have been in the past. 

 

I have had a good but strange summer- I almost had surgery that I don't need and that won't help me much, and the time from making that decision to realizing it would be a mistake was not fun (couldn't sleep, couldn't relax,etc)

 

but the rest of the summer so far has been nice! I love my new place and am starting to feel like it's home.

 

 I look forward to the fall and am less scared of the winter than I used to be, because it will be so much easier to get out now, and because I know that I need to up my vit D supplementation and use strong lighting to keep me from having symptoms related to low sun exposure. I love to cook during the colder months and enjoy the seasonal produce immensely. I will grow plants including lettuce indoors 

 

hmmmmmmmmmmmm I've really lost the plot now and am just doing a stream of consciousness thing, aren't I? 🙄🤨😆🤣

 

it's like my brain gets so full that sometimes I just need to empty it out

 

is it just me that does this? these brain dumps?

(as the YT'ers would say, comment below, hahahah)

 

I also have a ton of work that needs to get done, some of it with a deadline so I can pay some medical bills so I'm gonna go do that I guess

 

don't let my scattered state of mind make you think this is what recovery looks like, ok?

this is just the real me, who was always somewhat scattered and unfocused...

always had a lot on my mind.

I guess sometimes I am an overthinker........?

 

but for now I must get back to doing!! 

gotta get my sewing done

hope this finds you all well or at least on your way to wellness and healing

 

love to you all, this forum and the people on it have been so helpful to me over the entire length of this journey.

thank you all for sharing your stories, I find so many words of wisdom and ideas and insights and just good stuff here

plus the warmth and compassion of some of the nicest people on the planet

 

great community! so glad we've got each other

 

and now I'm getting a bit tearful and you know why? I had a cup of coffee yesterday

no a cup and a half

sigh

yes my own worst enemy, sometimes I really am

 

🙄:P❤️

 

Edited by Happy2Heal
2

Taking a break from mentoring, please do not message or tag me, thank you! 
Got some personal stuff to deal with and am not able to give you my full attention. 

I will remove this reminder when I am back. Keep on swimming, my friends. 

😊

  • pysch med history: 1974 @ age 18 to Oct 2017 (approx 43 yrs total) 
  •  Drug list: stelazine, haldol, elavil, lithium, zoloft, celexa, lexapro(doses as high as 40mgs), klonopin, ambien, seroquel(high doses), depakote, zyprexa, lamictal- plus brief trials of dozens of other psych meds over the years
  • started lexapro 2002, dose varied from 20mgs to 40mgs. First attempt to get off it was 2007- WD symptoms were mistaken for "relapse". 
  •  2013 too fast taper down to 5mg but WD forced me back to 20mgs
  •  June of 2105, tapered again too rapidly to 2.5mgs by Dec 2015. Found SA, held at 2.5 mgs til May 2016 when I foolishly "jumped off". felt ok until  Sept, then acute WD hit!!  reinstated at 0.3mgs in Oct. 2106
  • Tapered off to zero by  Oct. 2017 Doing very well. 
  • Nov. 2018 feel 95% healed, age 63 
  • Jan. 2020 feel 100% healed, peaceful and content
  • PRESENT DAYS:  Loving life! ❤️ with all it's ups and downs ;) 
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Happy2Heal Contributor

Happy2Heal

Posted
  • Author
  • Mentor
Posted

what a coincidence- the family of my favorite dr (who recently passed away) 

re posted this clip of him talking about coffee

 

 

Taking a break from mentoring, please do not message or tag me, thank you! 
Got some personal stuff to deal with and am not able to give you my full attention. 

I will remove this reminder when I am back. Keep on swimming, my friends. 

😊

  • pysch med history: 1974 @ age 18 to Oct 2017 (approx 43 yrs total) 
  •  Drug list: stelazine, haldol, elavil, lithium, zoloft, celexa, lexapro(doses as high as 40mgs), klonopin, ambien, seroquel(high doses), depakote, zyprexa, lamictal- plus brief trials of dozens of other psych meds over the years
  • started lexapro 2002, dose varied from 20mgs to 40mgs. First attempt to get off it was 2007- WD symptoms were mistaken for "relapse". 
  •  2013 too fast taper down to 5mg but WD forced me back to 20mgs
  •  June of 2105, tapered again too rapidly to 2.5mgs by Dec 2015. Found SA, held at 2.5 mgs til May 2016 when I foolishly "jumped off". felt ok until  Sept, then acute WD hit!!  reinstated at 0.3mgs in Oct. 2106
  • Tapered off to zero by  Oct. 2017 Doing very well. 
  • Nov. 2018 feel 95% healed, age 63 
  • Jan. 2020 feel 100% healed, peaceful and content
  • PRESENT DAYS:  Loving life! ❤️ with all it's ups and downs ;) 
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Tulip52 Contributor

Tulip52

Posted
Posted
9 hours ago, Happy2Heal said:

what a coincidence- the family of my favorite dr (who recently passed away) 

re posted this clip of him talking about coffee

 

 

@Happy2Heal I can relate to what you said about drinking caffeine in the morning and it feeling great then crashing and being really emotional a few hours later.  To feel better I had to have more caffeine.  I finally got tired of chasing the caffeine high and quit all caffeine 6 months ago and it is the best thing I’ve ever done.  The withdrawals were hell for two weeks, tough for a few weeks more but daily I saw improvements after that.  There is a great Facebook group on Facebook “Quitting Caffeine” that got me through.  

1994-2002 several different SSRI’s,  klonopin.   
2002 ct klonopin,  2 wks later put back on klonopin, added  Seroquel & lexapro, 

2002 weaned klonopin 2003 weaned off seroquel.  2006 Ct lexapro, six week later added  imipramine 250mg, 2016-2017  imipramine taper 150mg,  2017-2019 100 mg, Jan 2020 50mg, 2 weeks later 60 mg November 2022 56 mg December 2022 50mg 4/5/23 47mg April 2023 40mg june 23,2023 35mg, April 15, 2024 33mg, May 15, 2024 32mg, 5/27/24 30mg, 6/09/24 29mg, 6/14 28mg, 8/2 27mg

Ropinirole 1/2020  3/21 ropinirol 2 mg 

Ozempic 4/2023 .25, 6/26/23 .37mg 12/1/23 .39mg, 4/24 40mg, 5/16/24 .25mg 6/14 0mg

clonidine .1mg 1/2024

Supplements: boron, diatomaceous earth, cream of tartar  and Celtic sea salt, transdermal magnesium oil

 

 

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Tulip52 Contributor

Tulip52

Posted
Posted
16 hours ago, Happy2Heal said:

coming up to 7 years since getting to zero 

and a little over 4 yrs of feeling 100% healed (not entirely sure that how I feel is what is actually true, but if there's any residual healing going on, it's very minor and with  symptoms that seem more chemical than anything else, are very short lived)

 

As always what complicates things in my case is that I have CPSTD and PTSD and def have PTSD from the withdrawal/recovery as well.

 

 

but from where I am today, I kind of sort my issues into a couple of different categories:

A) PTSD symptoms and personality/developmental issues from being traumatized essentially from birth- these include times when I am triggered and am dealing with fight/flight/freeze/fawn reactions, my general distrust of everyone and everything, a pervasive feeling of inadequacy and ineffectiveness esp in relationships or in any interactions with others.

It is easier for me to write to strangers I will likely meet because I feel threatened by the physical presence of humans *sigh* 

 

B)Chemical- biological- things that seem most related things that have been ingested and/or that caused biological changes in my brain and body- this includes food and sometimes physical injuries/illness

 

C) cognitive issues mainly related to what I think, believe, assume, etc. Basically non issues that become issues because of my thoughts and the feelings and actions that stem from those thoughts/beliefs. That's a category that needs a LOT of work, much more than I ever realized before.

 

 

Yes, you might guess from my focus on issues/problems that right now I am going thru an uncomfortable period of what I hope will be growth

but what feels more like a stuck place of not being able to get out of my own way, not being able to get out of my own head- and of being quite literally my own worst enemy

(something good friends of mine have prayed that I someday, somehow, stop being. I am so damn good at it though 🙄)

 

 

I am still trying to make note of times when my beliefs or pre conceived notions prevent me from seeing the truth (or as close to the truth as anyone can get)

I can much more easily recognize when someone else is seeing things based off what they expect to see (this is esp true in medical settings lately) 


I think that I often avoid being fully present because in a way it damps down my PTSD symptoms- I don't want to be fully aware because for me, that means I'm likely to see all potential dangers and not much else. 

I know that is based on long held beliefs that the world (and esp the ppl in it) is an unsafe place where bad things can and do happen often without warning- and I feel the need to be prepared for those. I will sometimes remove my glasses so that I literally can't see the expressions on peoples faces because I tend to read too much into them and see danger/disgust/disappointment and more on these faces that probably has nothing to do with me, or that may not even be there at all-  I don't know that I read people very well.  

 

so it's this huge mental fight- how to be present while convincing myself that I'm safe....

I don't know how to do it.

 

I do know when it's happened that I've been able to relax around people, and I cherish those moments so much. I make note of the people who were present and try to figure out what it is that they do that makes me feel safe- I want to learn to emulate them so that I can provide a safe place for others.

Those moments when I am able to relax with others are the times I feel fully alive and whole and content.

 

I can feel that way when I am alone or with pets/animals much more of the time, and am finding myself spending more time alone these days.


That's not a bad thing. I do try to balance it out with social time, but if I have more than a couple of uncomfortable social interactions, I quickly lose all confidence and retreat to the safely of my home, and if I can't get there, to the safety of my mind.

 

I think that's where I've been for a while lately- stuck in the relative safety of my mind.

But my mind is playing tricks on me and has me going round and round in circles lately... not sure why.... working on that

so it's not become unsafe, really but it's not good either

 

but NONE of these things are related to AD withdrawal and recovery- NONE.

They are things I would have been working on if I had not been drugged into apathy and oblivion. 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

so I'm going to leave all that for now- most of what I write about that here, is for my own "therapy", my trying to sort things out

 

as far as WD recovery goes:

I think there may be a few things that are still getting sorted. VERY minor things. 

 

one is that it seems that, while drinking coffee does not affect my sleep at all, it does seem to affect my mood. I get a rush of good feelings from the coffee but later crash and have crying jags out of the blue and for the stupidest reasons.

That's not good.

I don't know, maybe everyone has this reaction to coffee or other stimulants and just doesn't realize it- perhaps it's got nothing to do with WD recovery but is just a drug reaction.

Would I be this sensitive if I'd never been drugged? I don't know

Is this even a true sensitivity or just what caffeine does?

 

Another thing that really bothers me is this YAWNING thing!! I haven't been able to figure out what causes it!
I had it on the lexapro, it all started with taking lexapro

 

the main side effect I had when starting lexapro was yawning and sleeplessness, the jitters when the dose was way too high (20 to 40mgs) 

The yawns are so extreme it hurts my jaw and sometimes sets of TMJ

They are not the kind of yawn you have when sleepy though, no they are very different! 

 

After awhile of being on a steady dose, I noticed the yawning fits were most common in the mid afternoon, for a time I could almost set a watch by  my yawning fits (3pm!!) 

now they can come at any time and come in fits of sometimes painful yawns.

 

I suppose I should try to keep a diary to see if there's a way to figure out what causes these.

I had them when I was first put on lexapro, and IIRC they lessened over time, but would come back with any change in dose, or if I forget to take a dose.

 

I don't recall if I had them at the start of WD~ but a year or so into it I was noticing that they were  happening daily. Friends were disturbed by them (asking me if they were boring me or worrying that I needed sleep- well, back then I surely did need the sleep! but that didn't seem to be why I was yawning)
now I am very well rested but have been having yawning fits once again


It could be related to the coffee...........????

or maybe sugar? or both? I don't know. 

I have been having some more or less pure sugar lately (peppermint lifesavers and before that cough drops) I don't avoid sugar completely, that would never work for me, but I do usually have the sugar mixed with other things that have fiber etc to slow down the absorption.

 

I wonder if the sugar is having an effect on serotonin and that fluctuations are causing these yawning fits


I just don't know but I have seen other members mention yawing in relationship to lexapro

I may start a thread just to see if yawning is a WD symptom for other drugs too- or maybe do a search first to see if there's a thread already

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

hmm, well as with most of my interactions lately, whether in person, on the phone or in writing, I seem to have lost the plot and can't recall the exact reason for my coming here today- except that another anniversary of getting to zero is coming up 🙄😆

as well as a difficult time of year for me, historically, at least

But this year I am determined to change history and see it as a fun time- and not assume things will be bad just because they have been in the past. 

 

I have had a good but strange summer- I almost had surgery that I don't need and that won't help me much, and the time from making that decision to realizing it would be a mistake was not fun (couldn't sleep, couldn't relax,etc)

 

but the rest of the summer so far has been nice! I love my new place and am starting to feel like it's home.

 

 I look forward to the fall and am less scared of the winter than I used to be, because it will be so much easier to get out now, and because I know that I need to up my vit D supplementation and use strong lighting to keep me from having symptoms related to low sun exposure. I love to cook during the colder months and enjoy the seasonal produce immensely. I will grow plants including lettuce indoors 

 

hmmmmmmmmmmmm I've really lost the plot now and am just doing a stream of consciousness thing, aren't I? 🙄🤨😆🤣

 

it's like my brain gets so full that sometimes I just need to empty it out

 

is it just me that does this? these brain dumps?

(as the YT'ers would say, comment below, hahahah)

 

I also have a ton of work that needs to get done, some of it with a deadline so I can pay some medical bills so I'm gonna go do that I guess

 

don't let my scattered state of mind make you think this is what recovery looks like, ok?

this is just the real me, who was always somewhat scattered and unfocused...

always had a lot on my mind.

I guess sometimes I am an overthinker........?

 

but for now I must get back to doing!! 

gotta get my sewing done

hope this finds you all well or at least on your way to wellness and healing

 

love to you all, this forum and the people on it have been so helpful to me over the entire length of this journey.

thank you all for sharing your stories, I find so many words of wisdom and ideas and insights and just good stuff here

plus the warmth and compassion of some of the nicest people on the planet

 

great community! so glad we've got each other

 

and now I'm getting a bit tearful and you know why? I had a cup of coffee yesterday

no a cup and a half

sigh

yes my own worst enemy, sometimes I really am

 

🙄:P❤️

 

@Happy2Heal I see myself in your words and life experiences and I can say this.. I am in counseling now and have learned that I am Codependent.   A great book that my counselor has had me read is “Codepent No More” by Melodie Beatty.  Sending you a big understanding hug.

1994-2002 several different SSRI’s,  klonopin.   
2002 ct klonopin,  2 wks later put back on klonopin, added  Seroquel & lexapro, 

2002 weaned klonopin 2003 weaned off seroquel.  2006 Ct lexapro, six week later added  imipramine 250mg, 2016-2017  imipramine taper 150mg,  2017-2019 100 mg, Jan 2020 50mg, 2 weeks later 60 mg November 2022 56 mg December 2022 50mg 4/5/23 47mg April 2023 40mg june 23,2023 35mg, April 15, 2024 33mg, May 15, 2024 32mg, 5/27/24 30mg, 6/09/24 29mg, 6/14 28mg, 8/2 27mg

Ropinirole 1/2020  3/21 ropinirol 2 mg 

Ozempic 4/2023 .25, 6/26/23 .37mg 12/1/23 .39mg, 4/24 40mg, 5/16/24 .25mg 6/14 0mg

clonidine .1mg 1/2024

Supplements: boron, diatomaceous earth, cream of tartar  and Celtic sea salt, transdermal magnesium oil

 

 

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Ariel Grand Master

Ariel

Posted
Posted

Beautiful update @Happy2Heal

Thank you so much for sharing <3

I can certainly relate to a lot of what you describe. 

You are my hero for all your hard work being human and learning and practicing and growing and healing. 

So glad you're here!

Love,

Ariel

1996-2018 - misc. polypharmacy, incl. SSRIs, SNRIs, neuroleptics, lithium, benzos, stimulants, antihistamines, etc. (approx. 30+ drugs)

2012-2018 - 10mg lexapro/escitalopram (20mg?)    Jan. 2018 - 10mg -> 5mg, then from 5mg -> 2.5mg, then 0mg  -->  July 2018 - 0mg

2017(?)-2020 - vyvanse/lisdexamfetamine 60-70mg    2020-2021 - 70mg down to 0mg  -->  July 2021 - 0mg

March-April 2021 - vortioxetine 5-10mg (approx. 7 weeks total; CT)  -->  April 28th, 2021 - 0mg

August 2021 - 2mg melatonin   August 1, 2022 - 1mg melatonin   March 31, 2023 - 0mg melatonin

2024 supplements update: electrolyte blend in water sipped throughout the day; 1 tsp cod liver oil blend (incl. vit. A+D+E) w/ breakfast; calcium; vitamin C+zinc

 

Courage is fear that has said its prayers.  - Karle Wilson Baker

love and justice are not two. without inner change, there can be no outer change; without collective change, no change matters.  - Rev. angel Kyodo williams

Holding multiple truths. Knowing that everyone has their own accurate view of the way things are.  - text on homemade banner at Afiya house

 

I am not a medical professional; this is not medical advice. 

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Happy2Heal Contributor

Happy2Heal

Posted
  • Author
  • Mentor
Posted
18 hours ago, Happy2Heal said:

It is easier for me to write to strangers I will likely meet because I feel threatened by the physical presence of humans *sigh* 

this should say "strangers I will likely never meet"

2

Taking a break from mentoring, please do not message or tag me, thank you! 
Got some personal stuff to deal with and am not able to give you my full attention. 

I will remove this reminder when I am back. Keep on swimming, my friends. 

😊

  • pysch med history: 1974 @ age 18 to Oct 2017 (approx 43 yrs total) 
  •  Drug list: stelazine, haldol, elavil, lithium, zoloft, celexa, lexapro(doses as high as 40mgs), klonopin, ambien, seroquel(high doses), depakote, zyprexa, lamictal- plus brief trials of dozens of other psych meds over the years
  • started lexapro 2002, dose varied from 20mgs to 40mgs. First attempt to get off it was 2007- WD symptoms were mistaken for "relapse". 
  •  2013 too fast taper down to 5mg but WD forced me back to 20mgs
  •  June of 2105, tapered again too rapidly to 2.5mgs by Dec 2015. Found SA, held at 2.5 mgs til May 2016 when I foolishly "jumped off". felt ok until  Sept, then acute WD hit!!  reinstated at 0.3mgs in Oct. 2106
  • Tapered off to zero by  Oct. 2017 Doing very well. 
  • Nov. 2018 feel 95% healed, age 63 
  • Jan. 2020 feel 100% healed, peaceful and content
  • PRESENT DAYS:  Loving life! ❤️ with all it's ups and downs ;) 
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