Happy2Heal my Victory statement

[Happy2Heal]

just putting this here to save for later

 

 

[Happy2Heal]

[Happy2Heal]

[Happy2Heal]

NOT part of WD healing from psych drugs- this is more of a diary entry.

A boring account of an event from 50 years ago-

TRIGGER WARNING- trauma related content!! 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It's  not related to WD recovery but def related to my very first experience with psych drugs.

In the summer of 1974,when I was 18,  I ended up as an inpatient in a small community mental health center.
There I was forced to take stelazine, a first generation "major tranquilizer". ALL of the teens and young adults in this place were forced to take it. You could not refuse it, if you did, they'd shoot you full of thorazine, keeping you in a stupor til you learned  that it was better to just take the damn stelazine.

 

My diagnosis at that time? "adjustment reaction to adolescence".

 

What I actually had was PTSD/cPTSD. I had been thru several horrific years- not that any of my childhood was great, but the years from around 12 and up were esp bad. Lots of chaos, sexual abuse, rape, incest, family turmoil, it just kept getting worse and worse.

I won't go into the details of that summer... and what led me to being hospitalized, but I was eventually discharged (without the stelazine, so I was CT'ed off that) 

Things happened that I'm not comfortable sharing here, but these things led to what happened next and so on...

Roughly 3 weeks after being discharged,  on the night of Aug 31/Sept 1st, I was out walking- having been separated from the people I was staying with, and was offered  a ride by a guy driving a beat up car with a loud engine/muffler. He had several others with him, all roughly my age I guess- they were drinking and likely doing drugs as well. I remember thinking they were one female short if they wanted to pair up but I don't recall the total number of ppl in the car. I want to say there were 3 guys and 2 girls but that seems like too many people, but then again, I did recall thinking "where would they even put me?!?" so maybe there were 5 in the car.... 
There was no one else on the road, it was a Sat night, or rather, very early Sunday morning. There was a full moon. I walked down to the news stand but there was no one there. 

The driver of the car pulled up along side me and offered me a ride. I didn't know any of these people. I was miles from my home, staying temporarily with a family member.

I refused, politely. 
The car came back around, same offer, also refused.

 The street inclined a bit where I was walking and as I headed up this little "hill", I heard that car's loud muffler as it was coming around again...and then I heard the engine rev as the driver hit the gas and that's the last thing I recall for 2 or 3 days. He ran me down, on purpose-he had to leave the right lane to do so because I was crossing the  street to avoid him pulling up beside me again. 

 

It was just around dawn and as I was told later, someone in a nearby Sr citizen housing high rise looked out their window and saw my crumpled body in the road. They thought perhaps I was a dead dog. They called the police. I am told that an EMT asked me what happened and that I said I fell. I don't remember this. I don't remember much of anything  til maybe Wed. I do recall hearing someone screaming and then realizing it was me- but I couldn't stop. I don't know what day that was. I had a fractured pelvis (in at least 2 places) a fractured tibia and fibula, a lot of road rash, a concussion, a deep gash over my right eye down to the bone, and other assorted cuts and soft tissue damage (the impact of the car's front bumper hitting my behind literally split the tissue over my glute in half, and left a dinner plate sized hematoma) I was lucky though, that it was an old beat up car and that I was on a slight incline... all of those things helped to save my life. Of course I damn near died in the hospital a few times of various complications and negligence...   it was one disaster after another. Internal bleeding, allergic reaction to anesthesia, etc. It was a very crappy hospital.

 

I had a pulmonary embolism (actually I think it was several small clots that broke off of a DVT) That was fun! not!

I was in a full length straight cast on my right leg all the way up to my thigh. I needed surgery on the tibia to hold it together.  til April or May of the next year. 

The pelvic fracture healed in such a way that my entire body ended up twisted and uneven- causing secondary end stage arthritis in both knees and one hip, spinal stenosis and trauma cause scoliosis, SI joint dysfunction, etc After 50 yrs of abnormal and uneven wear and tear on the joints, I am now in almost constant pain. 
There is no one surgery that will fix this. There are surgeries that MIGHT make one thing better, but would cause other things to get worse. They can't fix where the pelvis healed incorrectly (due to their negligence and abusive actions of family) The kind of pelvic fracture I had is fatal 80% of the time if the person doesn't get to the hospital within "x" amnt of time- it was very close to major blood vessels and some delicate "plumbing".

It would need to be fractured and set again, and no one is ever going to do that, it is far too dangerous. They told me this at the time, plus they told me that IF I could get pregnant, i would surely have to have a C section (that was true-  as I found out 4 yrs later- when I had my daughter via C section)

 

Most folks would think of this as a special trauma that would stand out as maybe the worst thing that happened to me but it was not. 

It was the things that came before. that led me to where I was that night, that were much worse. Things that set me up for decades of being a victim of all kinds of abuse and violence.

 

The car "accident" was not an accident, it was a violent crime. There was no one to sue or to take accountability, it was a hit and run. I didn't expect to be run down, so I paid no attention to any details that would have helped them maybe find the guy who did it.

I don't know if anyone even tried.

Back then, just recovering was a huge job that took over a year, so I didn't think about the driver and the other  

 

 

I didn't have any anger or really any feelings at all about the guy who ran me down. 

From time to time I wondered if anyone in that car ever thought about it, or talked about it, and if they tried to find out if I was dead or whatever. It was never mentioned in the media for various reasons. 

 

It was not until I learned that the knee surgery that I was told would "make everything better" most definitely will not- and when I realized I am going to be in pain of varying degrees for the rest of my life- that I actually felt much of anything at all. 
I wondered what kind of a person could do this, but then I recalled that they were drinking.. but still, who runs someone down on purpose? drinking is not a reason nor an excuse...did he do it on a dare from someone else in the car? did someone else grab the wheel and force the car off course? I don't know, I will never know.

 

So tonight I am reflecting on an event that happened exactly 50 years ago, and wondering........what would my life have been like if I'd not been out walking so late in a strange town? It wasn't considered unsafe back then, this was 1974, it was not a dangerous area, it was a muggy night with just a tiny touch of an early fall chill in the air. 

I remember how bright things were from the full moon.

 

I wasn't upset or angry about being in the hospital and all the pain I was in. I still had the family issues and other crap to deal with... There were some things that almost made this an adventure, like earning to use a wheelchair and popping wheelies. Sneaking off the medical floor to go visit the kids on the pediatric ward, so I could read to them or show them how to make tissue paper flowers (this was in the final 2 weeks in the hospital, before that I was totally bedridden.) I learned to use crutches.... and recently got a pair of crutches to use when I have a bad flare up of ankle pain-

and the damnedest thing happened. I felt like a kid again, fooling around with the crutches. LOL

It brought me back to the days of my youth when my body was stronger.

I had such a feeling of nostalgia. Weird eh??

 

I don't recall the pain and the fear and all of that... I just remember how much fun it was to outsmart the nurses and sneak off to see the kids... 

 

The past couple of years, as my knees have deteriorated, I've been really angry. I've had a victim mentality and just wanted someone to  understand how much I had been "wronged". It pissed me off that the drs were writing that I have primary osteo arthritis when I clearly do not (valgus right knee, versus left, this is not a presentation that can happen from simple wear and tear- it only happens with a congenital deforming, rheumatoid arthritis or TRAUMA)

 

It doesn't help that the ortho surgeons who never looked at anything but an xray, who never even looked at my actual body  let alone did an exam, claimed that surgery would mean a "cure". 
Cure for what? the problem is the way my body is twisted and deformed from that "accident" and they told me 5 decades ago it can never be fixed.

 

I didn't know that it would come to this... there was no way I could have know.

Except for, oh the past 4 yrs or so, I didn't have any major issues with my knees, could still get up and down off the ground ok, etc etc I could never ride a bike again, as my right leg turns out at the foot and in at the knee...

But I could walk for hours every day. I don't drive, I never have, so I've done a lot of walking in my lifetime! 

Now, I can't.I mean I can walk but not nearly as much nor as far as I want to. My right knee will not bend like it should, my SI joint is fragile, my feet burn from the pressures put on them from the way my wt has had to shift....

 

I'm taking stock I guess. It's funny, you don't really appreciate what you have til it's gone and boy that is so true of aging...and issues caused by trauma to the body.

I am grateful that it's only been a few years where the damage has made a significant impact on my life. Yes I did have to have PT often for the spinal stenosis, and the SI joint issues etc etc but I always made it work and was able to do everything I wanted to do

 

the past few years, nope. My limitations are distressing to me. I am no longer angry and only sad on occasion.

I am just frustrated mostly.

 

I was wondering if this trauma is stored somewhere in my body and if it is, how would it express itself?
I am sure that my body remembers a rape that happened when I was teenager, I will wake up in a cold sweat, and have frequent nightmares in mid April pretty much every year. In my sleep I do things to try to protect myself... to prevent the rape that went on for hours...

 

 

Funny thing about this car "accident" though, is that what happened that night was directly related to an incident of sexual abuse that happened to me when I was maybe 5 yrs old. 

 

when you look at your life, you realize that every thing that happens  can set the stage for what happens next.

 

I realized recently that my beliefs, as well as those of others that I've chosen to accept as "truth", have shaped my life in ways that have not been helpful

 

So now I am trying hard to question the beliefs and assumptions I may have, so as to not make similar mistakes

I am also realizing that I tend to believe that others know better than me and/or ARE better than me-

that is an assumption I tend to make til proven otherwise, but til I realize that they are not better and they do not know better, I can get into all sorts of jams  by following bad advice.

 

 

Maybe I will not spend the rest of my life in pain. Maybe I should be looking in to other options.

I don't want to take drugs, I  mean I do take celebrex from time to time but I don't want anything stronger

 

I can try gel shots again. I do PT exercises daily.

I will think about this some more.

 

some of the pain in my feet may be coming from pressure on my spine at L4 and L5 (where I've got stenosis) and an epidural may help that

 

I will keep looking for ideas and things to try.

 

cuz that's just what I do! 😉😊😂

 

~~~~~~~~~

I am still taking a break from mentoring, but you are in my thoughts.

sometimes it's a good idea to stay away from this forum, not of course when you need advice or support but at some point, it's good to not come here, and just live life 
Some of us spend too much time online in general (and yes I am talking about myself here! it's a strange addiction I need to wean myself off of)

 

This is a very busy time for me but things slow down around Dec so that's probably when I'll be back.

 

REMEMBER that you will heal! look for the signs that show you things are improving and be encouraged by those.

 

Our bodies are meant to heal and to strive for health. 
You're going to be ok. 

 

every day, look up! I mean it, physically look UP.

there's some research that shows that this affects your mood in a positive way

 

try it! it sounds silly but it really does work

also smiling, even a forced smile can help you feel better.

and if it doesn't it will make everyone around you wonder what you're up to,

which can be fun too, right?

😇🤣🤣🤣

 

Love to you all.

 

 

 

[Happy2Heal]

ah I wrote that in the middle of the night- around 2 to 3 am, and now I see there are many mistakes and typos and parts of sentences missing

and it's too late to edit it LOL

oh well the details are only important to me

 

I have been sick for almost a week, most likely have covid. Don't have a test kit but when I googled it, the symptoms most closely match the symptoms of a mild case of covid.

I can't smell anything! I finally got my appetite back, only to discover that food has not taste. I put some rosemary EO on my toes (supposed to help with toe fungus, IDK if it does LOL) and I can't smell it at all. So I sniffed my other EOs and I can't smell them... I have whole cloves in a jar and those also have almost no scent (just a very faint one that doesn't smell much like cloves)

 

oh well, I suppose the stupid virus will get us all eventually, like colds and the flu.

 

It's made me tired so I've been resting a lot and taking stock of my life.

Planning ahead for the next few months, I have a lot I want to do.

 

when I think how I've gone down the wrong path- or at least not a good path- due mainly to the ideas and beliefs and assumptions I've held, 

I am trying to be intentional about how I proceed- I am still making assumptions or holding onto untested beliefs?

I don't like uncertainty, so sometimes my mind fills in what I think will happen next as if it's the truth and inevitable-

but it is NOT.

 

we can't know what comes next, we can only guess.
We can shape our futures to a certain extent by what we are thinking and what we believe- because what you see is based a lot on what you are looking for.

This applies to WD recovery in a big way. If you assume or believe that you have the worst case ever, that you may not recover, or that recovery will take "x" amnt of time, or even the reverse- I believed that I would heal faster than average and so I saw each improvement as proof of that.

 

I had to go and amend my signature many times, as I would declare myself probably mostly healed and then something else would improve and I'd be surprised!

I mean, I think my rosy outlook served me well, don't get me wrong about that, because I was always hopeful, but it didn't jive with reality.

 

I look at my signature now and well, so much time has passed, I simply don't remember but was I really 95% healed in 2018? I don't know *shrug*

 

does it matter now? I also don't know. I don't want anyone to look at my time line and assume that theirs will mirror it.

I don't want anyone to think that they might not recover sooner, I know for a fact that many can and do recover sooner -

because as I'd been CT'ed off many many many!! drugs over my lifetime, I recovered from that sometimes without being aware of any issues at all. A good percentage of the ppl going off these drugs don't have withdrawal symptoms.

It appears that your odds go up the more times you go on and off these kinds of drugs and possibly the more of these drugs you are exposed to... but even then, there's no absolutes

 

ok enough rambling! I've got work to do. I am fortunate I have hobbies that I enjoy that I can do from home. I'm working on 2 projects for 2 different animal rescues.

I started keeping and propagating African Violets and am busy with those.

 

I hope that as you go thru your journey of recovery from WD, that you keep your mind and your heart set on the things in life that you enjoy, even if you are not able to enjoy them right now. The day will come when this journey will end, and you will go on to other things. It's hard to believe when you are in the thick of it, that this is true, but it is.

 

And I hope that for your sake, that you've done what you were able to do, to continue living your life and making memories, because at some point, you will forget all the pain, the sleepless nights, the anxiety or whatever other symptoms you now deal with, and all you will recall is those things you did to keep connecting with loved ones, to keep doing the things you like to do.

Don't let your life stop completely.

You are stronger than you think.

 

it's sad that we've all had that tested thru this process BUT it's also great to know that we have this strength.

Hold onto that, it will help you face whatever hurdles may come your way in this crazy life.

 

love to you all,

 

 

[Happy2Heal]

 

 

 

I'm about an hour into this movie 

This is SO strange!! last night I had watched a video about getting your houseplants ready for the fall

 

YT was on autoplay and usually what follows is a video on the same topic but this time it went to a movie.

I RARELY watch movies (because I've found so many of them to be a waste of time, so I avoid them unless I've heard really good things about the movie, and even then, movies that others have loved, were boring or annoying to me LOL)

 

but I was tired, it was around 4 am and so I left it on and fell asleep maybe 10-20 mins in to the movie

I decided to go back and watch it due to the comments like this one "“You can be as mad as a mad dog and curse the fates but when the end comes you have to let go.”

which is all about acceptance, so I am watching it now and have about 30 mins left to the movie

but it's so so bizarre, all the talk about fate and how if one thing hadn't happened as it did, we would not end up where we are

and Daisy in the movie is hit by a taxi and ends up with a fractured right leg... I mean talk about a coincidence on the 50th anniversary of me being hit by  a car for YT to pop up a MOVIE when I don't watch  movies on YT- and for it to be this one!

 

I've got chills. 

It's a hard movie to watch, I've been crying off and on thru the whole thing... so much sadness but it seems to have some good um, lessons, in it so I'll keep watching til the end

I won't find the end disappointing, because I've already gotten quite a bit out of it.

Just wish I'd seen it when I was like, a LOT younger LOL 

 

I'll follow up at some point with my impressions...

 

 

[Oaktree1]

I am dreadfully sorry to hear about what happened to you and the gross cruelty and abuse you suffered for a large part of your life.  I am sorry that you were treated like that and that you suffered all your life because of the actions of our species.  I think it is important that regardless of how triggering it might be to people who might be in a vulnerable state I think it is important to show that people who end up the worst state - in other words grossly drugged by the psychiatric industry for most of their lives tend to have had the worst histories.  In other words - it is not what you were born with - it is generally what happened to you.  This is a database of evidence - this site - and it can put help put all their stupid DSM labels in the dumpster.  

 

It is disgusting and shocking and it is a wonder that you survived at all.  I find it hard to find any hope at all in our species but at least you can bear witness.  I don't post much now and like a few others on this site don't really engage any more as I have lost all my trust in my own species but occasionally I am moved to comment on someone who has suffered more than others.   Pete Walkers book on C PTSD is worth a look.  There is even a section on people who have suffered so much that they just really engage through books and animals  (like your pet rats) as they are more healing and give unconditional love that human beings  are mostly incapable of in my experience  (although I know you engage and have friends which is extraordinary considering wht you have been through).  This is just a one off comment as that's all I really engage with now - I have followed your thread and I wish only good things to happen to you.  I wish only bad things to happen to the person who ran you down all those years ago.