☼ Icip: Has anyone with these symptoms had them improve, or completely go away?

[AmitV]

1 hour ago, Icip said:

Hi @AmitV,

 

Sorry for not getting back to you sooner- I've just wanted to properly process the above before speaking/sharing thoughts! Since you had first mentioned FND; I've seen it in and around a swathe of literature that I've been reading's s well as commonly in a couple of place. I'm curious, and I will bring it to my GP, or in after seeking an appointment with my neurologist; I'd like a check-up!

 

Therapy seems like the most obvious route of treatment for me, for my somatic symptoms as well as mental - in times now past, even a 1.5/2 years after my reaction, I had a couple of months of calm, untriggered, and periods of good healing. This went in hand with what felt like at the time to be a dramatic reduction in my symptomatology - I yearn for this again, and in reading FND symptoms of being largely somatic, and linked to awareness, I saw parallels.

 

I'm going to try my hardest to book an appointment with my GP in early January; I'm moving houses over the next couple of days so hopefully I can go into it with a clearer, and less materially travelled mind. I'm thinking of going at it from a: 'I've already been diagnosed/have had all of the tenets of FND observed by various practitioners - would you agree that it looks like this' end, I did the same before receiving as Visual Snow Syndrome diagnosis, as my neurologist was then unaware of its existence as a diagnosis. I'll share anything I get back after!

 

Icip

these somatic exercises will be quite helpful. Just use it for your symptoms. 
 

You can also look into vitamin b3 niacinamide for mental calmness from PTSD. 
 

https://ctz.dk/vitaminb3/ptsd/
 

I wanted to share the link below, perhaps you can see yourself in overmethylated or under methylated group. Overmethylated group react really badly to SSRI or anything that increases serotonin. 
 

just something worth reading.

 

https://mentalhealthdaily.com/2015/03/21/undermethylation-vs-overmethylation-causes-symptoms-treatments/

 

i know FND is not fun. I have PPPD, VSS, balance problems and massive ptsd from SSRI. 

[mstimc]

3 hours ago, Icip said:

How has your Christmas been, and how have you spent it? Have you already been to Edinburgh, or is that a trip still yet to be!

We were in Edinburgh in late 2021 and have plans to return to the UK, including Edinburgh, in November-December 2025 to enjoy the Christmas season.

 

Its all about perspective.  Your mind wants to find the reason your body is telling you to be worried, so you start scanning for something to worry about. It can be exposure to Brasso. Or it can be obsessing one some supposed terrible mistake you made at work. What you don't think about is the 99% of your life you live every day without thinking about it: you can fall down the stairs at home and break your neck, or slip on ice (well, not me since I live in L.A.), or you can go to the store while its being robbed and get shot.  There are a million things to be afraid of every day, but our rational mind knows they are highly unlikely. Then the irrational anxious mind finds that one thing, blows it completely out of proportion, and tell you "Yes!  This is it! This is something to fear and worry about and research and seek multiple reassurances that it's okay." And once you resolve that crisis, your anxious mind searches to the next Big Thing. That's when you say, "No, I'm not going to let this be the thing today.  Brasso is so common my whole neighborhood would be dead if its was dangerous."  I do woodworking and there are any number of ways I could hurt myself if I wasn't paying attention. But I practice common safety measures and focus on my work--it was actually very therapeutic when I was in recovery because it requires absolute attention. And its creative, so its a positive activity.  Despite all my other OCD-fueled fears, I was never afraid the blade on my table saw would fly off and kill me or I'd cut my fingers off because my rational mind was in control.  

Fears are just thoughts that are out of control.  You can manage them with time, practice, and self-forgiveness.

[Icip]

Hi all,

 

Just a little update: it's been a tiring past few months - from when I last posted, my OCD continued to be quite bad, and while gradually abating over a number of weeks, and months, I'm still in a continued 'flare up' rut. I'm exhausted all of the time, I've been struggling to wake up before 11am, regardless of what time I reach bed (I usually try for 11pm/12am), and then through the day I find that I have one task within me, before I start to feel a bit lightheaded, dizzy (migrainous), and weak.

 

I have found that my caffeine tolerance has reached zero. I can't have one cup within feeling a tad buzzed out of existence, irritable, and mentally displaced in a way that will not let me focus, nor pursue recreational leisure in a way that I otherwise would at the end of the day, and especially when not feeling entirely tickety-boo. I can't describe the level of fatigue; it does not feel natural, or achieved, but nervous, and artificial in a way that I remember well from being in the midst of my reaction. I think from my little hiccup earlier last year (almost exactly a year ago) sensitising myself quite badly from Lamotrigine, and a prolonged period of stress, and worry, I have put my nervous system, and self in a much more precarious, vulnerable, and delicate place.

 

Whilst in most cases, I feel the best that I ever have done (post-reaction), in terms of cognitive abilities, the much lessened extent of my derealisation + all uncomfortable feelings that followed it, and my regained sense of 'just being me' that I found was my duly longed dial of normalcy.

 

Worsening: light sensitivity, increase in persistent floaters (when before there have at times been none), systemic sensitivity to caffeine that not only affects anxiety, but also nervous features, loss of energy, and an all-consuming weakness that I am currently finding limiting. These features ignoring caffeine sensitivity, remain months sober of coffee/any caffeine. I have been stringent with my intake at times, and on days where I have felt bad sober - I have found that a cup of caffeinated coffee has made me feel better? It makes no sense to me, I had this earlier last year for a month or two.

 

Improving: my feeling of being 'normal', alive, and present; I don't have the language to express this appropriately, other than the alien, sick, and deathly feeling that followed my reaction, and myself for years post-it. It's close to being gone (would not want to speak too soon). Derealisation is a lot better, though I think accompanying my visual snow/migraine issues, I still have a general (so so minute) air of disconnection. My ability to be conversational, and relaxed within this - I have, over the past couple of weeks, had some of the best conversations of my life, and whilst I realise that this not the most quantitative measure of recovery, it feels real, and tangible to myself; I had a particularly beautiful one on Liz Truss (for British/UK SA users!), and childhood trauma (connect the dots!) that expanded well beyond this, with a new friend who has a similar upbringing to myself.

 

Thank you to anyone reading these; they serve as a discursive account of my experiences within illness for others to view, and as a bit of a writers outlet for myself. Even as a University student, feeling especially stifled creatively through hobbies, or within my life in general - I have found that the only metric for expression that I currently hold, is one for the emotional turmoil of my reaction. Writing about it feels so pure, and liberating; I've been in my head a lot today concerning my capacity, taking four hours just to leave bed, make breakfast, get dressed, and leave the house. Relativising, and medicalising it keeps me grounded.

 

Life is good, and manageable. Even when I said a few years ago in the summer of 2021 that I felt close to being myself; I did not. I was still struggling with connection, feeling grounded on a more neurological level, brain fog, and residual feelings of illness. I feel so fortunate to be where I am now, and I am appreciative for, and excited by the prospect of many more years of healing both of my nervous system's dysregulation, and trauma that I have accrued from this experience.

 

I am sure that it shows, but even writing this has made me oh so sleepy! I've still another 500 words of an essay to write + an email to my regional mayor to request an interview for my dissertation, + a research ethics application for said interview(s), AND apply for a policy thinktank internship in London with a deadline in two days - yuck!

 

ICIP

[Icip]

@mstimc,

 

Thank you, for the entirety of what you had said to me in late December - I was feeling quite stuck, and a bit in crisis after the culmination of quite a few very stressful months had started to weigh down on me. I read this at the time, and I have read before that offering reassurance isn't the best way to go about dealing with someone else's OCD - though a large part of my worries are that I am the only person going through this, that this is abnormal, and it only happens to me because [XYZ]. Like with what I had said above, relativising it + becoming more aware that this is very normal, even for people that I look up to has a destructive effect on my fears. I feel safe, say if my partner were to do something that I would otherwise be a little shaky of - though I am aware that this does not treat the underlying fear of something only happening to me, that outwardly seems safe, and not atypical (I wonder where this fear comes from!).

 

That's some future thinking, I'm not sure if I have ever been in a place to think so far ahead! You are certainly choosing the most beautiful city in the UK to spend Christmas in. I had a friend who spent their time studying in Edinburgh, and made her way through half of a Masters before becoming quite grossly unwell - I don't think of the city without thinking of her!

 

I do hope that you are well, you come to mind a lot!

[mstimc]

Hello from California!

Thank you for the kind words.  I'm glad I was able to help.

Interesting thing about floaters...I was bothered by a perceived increase in them a few years ago and saw an ophthalmologist.  She said they tend to increase with age (yay) but also with perception.  They really never go away and the only treatment is some kind of laser procedure that runs the risk of burning your retina. Unless there's a sudden increase in them, they're harmless, but annoying.  Eventually, your brain learns to ignore them and eliminates them from your field of vision.  I notice mine more when I'm looking at something with a light background. Maybe your still-heightened anxiety isn't allowing your brain to start the process of ignoring them.  At least you know they're not serious--but they are very annoying sometimes. 

 

IMHO, OCD never completely goes away. Like any other chronic condition it can flare up at any time.  But it can also be managed and we can have perfectly normal and happy lives.  There's nothing "wrong" with us anymore than you'd tell someone with diabetes there's something wrong with them. Just as a diabetic's body processes sugar differently, our minds process some thoughts differently.  When it flares up, my ICD tries to convince me that this time, the thoughts really are about something real and terrible. I have to remind myself I've been wrong 100% of the time; that even when something negative happened, I could handle it, and its never as bad as I thought it would be. 

 

The fact you are seeing improvement in some areas should tell you recovery is happening, just maybe not in ways you expect and not as fast as you'd like. But it is coming. Don't think in terms of days, but look back in months or years and you'll see how much progress you've made.

 

You are on the path to recovery!

[KenA]

Hey @Icip  Sounds like you are seeing some improvements and things are heading in the right direction  Slow and steady wins the race my friend!! 

[upsideDown]

Hey @Icip, new here (and for the record wish I wasn't)

 

I recently tapered off fluoxetine over a few months and was then encouraged to go back on it. After I started developing palinopsia and strong blue field entoptic phenomenon.

 

You had some ppl mention that the visual symptoms went away eventually. Reading your story has brought me some peace that I can get through it, but I'm scared and angry. I feel like I dipped my toes into the water of antidepressants and picked up a permanent visual damage, just trying to do what was best and trust my doctor.

 

I would love you to tell me that your visual symptoms went away, but ultimately if you could encourage me that things will get better could be helpful as well. I mostly just wanted to ask how you are doing I guess.

 

Thanks for the information you put in the forums. 😊

[Icip]

Hey @upsideDown,

 

Firstly, I'm so sorry that you have had this experience - the feelings that you have right now, especially concerning eye problems are very normal. I felt particularly haunted by them for a while, when they were especially bad.

 

Sorry if this reads as awkward - I'm having a bit of a stressy time with work so my head is a little foggy: as far as my reading suggests, a lot of people with standalone palinopsia have had this go away in its entirety. I had strong blue field entoptic phenomenon, too - and despite my static sticking around, this went away entirely for me, too.

 

I suspect that my case of antidepressant-related eye issues is permanent. I have quite a lot wrong with them, and where I have read of people with eye issues to my extent, I have yet to read of them getting completely better. Though, it does not sound like yours are like this.

 

Some advice that I clung onto whilst struggling, and this I think applies regardless of your chance of recovery/symptom cessation is that, the symptoms are only frightening because they are new, and over time our brains become accustomed to any sensory alterations within our body (e.g. a lost limb, or! a change in sensory organ). It took around 16 months for me to be able to go a day without at all noticing my eyesight symptoms (namely the static), much sooner before, I began to not be so affected/scared of them. I wanted to say this just in case, but again, from what you have said - these symptoms should go away. Just taper slowly, avoid triggers like stress, alcohol, and caffeine (caffeine can make my eyesight worse, amongst other things), and you should be ok.

 

I am okay, I still have though lessened visual static, blurred eyesight, and double vision. Palinopsia, photophobia, BFEP (blue field), changes to the contrast of my eyesight, and my floaters have all gone for me, thankfully.

 

You may also field that some people, friends, or family, may even experience your visual symptoms to the same extent as you, and that is normal for them. I have friends who have heavy BFEP and claim that they have always had it, friends with floaters, and who are by default very very sensitive to light. My partner, and even my ex-girlfriend both have/had visual static, very heavy visual static. Though neither had ever questioned it (before I told them about it, whoops!). I know that I did not have it before my reaction, which is what made it harder at first.

 

I probably think about it as much now, as my partner.

 

Please do shoot me any other questions, or anything at all - I'd be happy to talk/answer anything!

 

ICIP

[AndyPants]

Hi @Icip, I found your thread while searching on visual snow.  I think it's been several months since I first noticed it, I tried not to think about it but then I started having floaters a few weeks ago. I'm questioning whether I'm seeing more or less flashing than normal.  It all has me really has me freaked out and feeling like life is ruined. (no idea if these symptoms are related to the drugs and withdrawal, or if they're unrelated, with my OCD/anxiety I keep going over all the possibilities and going through what ifs). It has been tough because I was so excited for winter to end and be able to be outside more and now I'm afraid to go out because I see the floaters more than when I'm inside.

 

Thanks for sharing your journey. It is nice to hear that despite these things it is possible to move forward.

[Icip]

Hey @AndyPants,

 

I wrote on my thread to a friend on the site regarding this, I may copy what I have said to them as it is where I am at now regarding my own visual snow, and what I wish I had in mind when I first started to notice it, and thought the same as you did.

 

On 4/16/2024 at 10:09 PM, Icip said:

You may also field that some people, friends, or family, may even experience your visual symptoms to the same extent as you, and that is normal for them. I have friends who have heavy BFEP and claim that they have always had it, friends with floaters, and who are by default very very sensitive to light. My partner, and even my ex-girlfriend both have/had visual static, very heavy visual static. Though neither had ever questioned it (before I told them about it, whoops!). I know that I did not have it before my reaction, which is what made it harder at first.

 

I probably think about it as much now, as my partner.

 

I am now also wondering whether I had Visual Snow pre-reaction, and that my reaction as it did make my sensory experience more sensitive, made it more perceptible/noticeable, especially in a state of high anxiety like I was in post-reaction. When we are anxious, we notice more, and as another friend on this site told me, we 'scan' for things that confirm the fear that we are feeling, to then validate the fear that we are generally holding over our symptoms. It is very likely that you had static pre-reaction or withdrawal, you may have noticed it then, but it is likely that you did not notice it getting worse when you are tired, worse when you are stressed, or payed much attention to the extent that it may have changed. Though, now, it sounds like you are.

 

We only understand things fully when we pay attention to them - it is a scary thing to understand something fully, as a whole object. You are undoubtedly going to notice not just the surface, or the matter of fact, but also how it changes, what causes it to change, and the fullest extent of its existence and reality within your lived sensory experience (I'm comparing this to an academic topic!). Such as, we can be aware that war happens, and it happens to safeguard our territory and ways of life/institutions, though when we study it, and pay further attention to it - we become aware of the atrocities that happen in war, not just from the opposing side that we protect ourselves against, but also committed by ourselves; the material that we are much less likely to try and seek out, if it does not fully concern us/is not an interest to us.

 

Our sensory experience works much like this, and so does anxiety. Paying attending to something, makes it seem far bigger, worse, and potentially enveloping than it may really, or have been to us prior.

 

This is how I understand my own anxiety/OCD, and how I try to minimise my own worry re my symptoms. I also promise that you will enjoy winter - when will winter be for you? I worried about this when I was first very unwell, and found that my enjoyment overtook any potential worry. It is very possible to move forward, we have to just keep making sure that we are doing, and try to accept things that will get better in their own time, and/or we will learn to accept again, and move past. I am still in the process of doing this, and still four and half years on, it is getting easier with each and every passing day.

 

I have written a lot about Visual Snow on my thread, and I think that in comparison against my other symptoms, it has been the most linear in terms of healing. I am again now starting to wonder whether I have had it all along, and try to accept this given that so many people have it anyway, who are devoid of antidepressant usage, current, or historical.

 

Icip!

[AndyPants]

@Icip thank you for your response, that is a good way to explain everything and makes a lot of sense. About a month ago I thought something was wrong with my eyes, started looking around for issues, and saw the floaters. I don't know if they were new or pre-existing, but I was definitely looking for problems like how you described. I wonder about the visual snow, what it used to be like for me. I guess there's no way to know, and worrying about it won't help.

 

Like you were talking about with people you know, I spoke to a family member this week who said they have had seen floaters since childhood, but go years without noticing or thinking about them. So these visual issues are things that many people go though and adapt to.

 

Well I was looking forward to the end of winter and warmer weather, we had lots of snow in the spring and finally when the weather is getting nicer the floaters and this worry about my eyes happened.  I think about the floaters more I'm outside since they're even more visible and it's adding to my anxiety and panic over my eyes and making me focus on them more.  I spent a lot of time at first in dark rooms in the house avoiding going on. Doing that less now. I need to work on doing as you described and learning to accept things as they are.

[AmitV]

Talk to your trauma therapist about this.

 

https://www.aafp.org/pubs/afp/issues/1998/0901/p721.html
 

https://eprints.whiterose.ac.uk/141568/7/Stress_and_Functional_Neurological_KEYNEJAD_Firstonline8November2018_GREEN_AAM.pdf
 

Ultimately: you’re looking for ways to treat chronic pain (VSS and MCS) which is built on PTSD. 
 

You took the medication that caused VSS. What else was happening in your life at the time? Why did you have to take the medication?

 

What was happening in your life when MCS set in? An emotionally agitation experience or a really positive time in life, that brought up emotional pain from a past experience?

 

I recommend using the workshops in the curable app for chronic pain. 
 

Ultimately, the maladaptive maintaining factors are usually PTSD. 

[Icip]

Hello all,

 

I'm just stopping by as I am aware that it has been a short while since my previous update. Firstly I would like to wish all reading, and those following this thread, good health, and a calm mind; it is achievable, through time, as seems to be our best healer, and biggest ally. As I continue to get better, both mentally as well as physically, the process evermore seems like a ladder, slowly and unassuringly pulling myself out of this as a construct and reality with each day that passes. Life seems to quieten, worries lessen, and that feeling of brokenness, wrong, or even damage dissipates.

 

It's tricky to put words onto it. I still face obtrusive OCD, though my anxiety spikes, and worries no longer come with physical symptoms as they did a while ago - sometimes I feel a bit 'off', especially after persistent stress, though this tends to be fleeting, and only a moments worry; my life and wider world now feels bigger than what has come before. I recognise that I have felt as being at these cross roads intermittently through the journey of healing, though even if it is fleeting, each feels like a significant island along a voyage of healing. Choppier waters will always emerge, though having navigated them before, you begin t build a clearer map of where they inhabit, so you will never quite find those, nor the severity of them again. The start is just marred by them ahead, and the uncertainty of what you may face, and have to keep facing. I'm currently nearing the end of the process of writing my Masters Dissertation, it has to be 15,000 words, with a tolerance of 10%. I am currently at circa 14,000, and will probably far exceed the given tolerance; writing this dissertation, compared to my undergraduate one which I finished in 2022 needing a two month extension, and nearly defined by brain fog, and continual slight mental lapses and panic (oops) has been comparatively peaceful, and quite fun. One of the prettier parts of writing, has been listening to the same music, my same favourite artists, and playlists from that time - the pandemic, and adjacent illness both did wonders for my music taste/repertoire, and exploiting that still to this day has produced an eery continuity that presents only in feeling. It feels like continuity, or a narrative that defines me, in a way.

 

'Symptoms' do fade, if not wholly, than they do adjectively. My vision/eyesight is now just far-sightedness, with frequent eye straining. I get very weird migrainous episodes one to two times a week depending on physical exertion/diet - I have not fully explained these to my neurologist/gp, though I have had a completely clear MRI, and I get a lot both for myself, and using them as a way to mundanely explain my symptoms/plight to others in a more socially-normative way from others that I otherwise would not do, if I defined myself to myself and others as being broken in a more fantastical, and potentially accurate way. I rarely feel rested after sleep anymore - though I am functional. Functional enough to performatiely play into being a sleep-deprived/tired-all-the-time Gen Z'er as has become the cultural zeitgeist post-pandemic. I also know that my PTSD, trauma, and inflated OCD are all treatable with traditional talk therapy - my family, as well as British Government all seem unwilling to help me for a zero-sum, so it has become a priority for me, after I have gained employment.

 

I do still worry about my capacity for work - I completed a years internship, being awake at 07:30am or earlier each morn, for four days a week, and then a single day's rising at 09:30 as I was in later, then duly worked for 6-7 hours through the day, often with extra commitments in the eve (I'm saying this to myself, as much as the rest of this thread). The task seems enormous, I wriggle whilst reading job descriptions at the thought of holding so many obligations and responsibilities - in my own narrative, a few of my cogs are still, and have always been stuck in the 'critical meltdown' position in my brain. With this in mind, I try to remind myself that all will be okay - I will be happier working, happier having a wage and given a degree of freedom that I have never really had in my life. I look forward to sporadic train journeys, a cosy and small apartment, a home espresso machine, a rescued greyhound (eventually), being able to cycle around the city for work, and to a market, and being better able to see, spend time with, and connect with my friends of which I have felt isolated in my ability to being a forever-student, and not really being able to work alongside studies (for quite obvious capacity-related reasons!). Other than therapy, and maybe French lessons, I'm not too sure what I would actually spend money on - I'm not too much of a holiday person, whilst I like LEGO the idea of cluttering a future house/flat with it does not appeal, and despite my ramblings of being able to internally mask my outstanding, and previously more severe condition, I still cannot drink coffee without becoming horribly terribly awfully anxious, which breaks my heart each time that I try to play blind to its effects (and then consequentially suffer).

 

Co-developing alongside my dissertation, is CV/cover letter writing. I'm aiming to find work in any of Glasgow, London, or Greater Manchester in hopefully either a central, or local public body in policy development. My dissertation is largely on iterations of English devolution, and it's enablement via differing modes of funding styles, which has been again, fun to write. Each time I have sat to write, and/or read, I have found more, and have had to edit in more to match how quite unfortunately complex, and intricate central-local public relations are. If any of you have ever watched Parks and Recreation - this revived a love of government/politics in me, as I was faltering through lockdown, and a bit more immediately post-reaction, though more so for local politics. For my dissertation, I interviewed the most senior civil servant in the North of England (won't disclose names even if a public figure!), recalling, and transcribing my interview feels like a dream - to be so accomplished within a relative locale or region, when a transfer to a central gov post was only ever a self-made request away; this is what fills me with hope, beautiful purpose. I cannot say that I felt any purpose, nor had hope for any a few years ago.

 

If this is a bit rambly, I crashed halfway through writing, as I have spent most of the day reading/writing. TLDR I'm ok! Feelings of brokenness tend to correspond to high-stress situations now mostly exclusively, my worries are generic and generally no longer revolve around my illness - though I still have significant self-work to undertake in reframing my notions of self capacity, and ability, where I have healed past my own recognition, and understanding. This normalcy, does still feel quite alien.

 

ICIP!

[mstimc]

What a wonderful post, ICIP! I think it will give hope to those still on the journey. OCD isn't something that just "goes away" but it certainly doesn't have to control our lives. Thoughts are just thoughts and have only the power we give them.

 

I'm so glad you're focusing on your future. I spent my career in the public service here in the US and I had a wonderfully fulfilling life.  I never made a ton of money but using my skills in the service of others was a reward in itself.  I made it to senior management as well and had a great time. Good luck on your adventure!

 

Please continue to post to let us know how you're doing and to help others on their paths!

[Ariel]

Wonderful update @Icip thank you for sharing!

So many amazing accomplishments and positive signs of healing and resilience. Way to go, you!

Wishing you all the best on your dissertation and sending good vibes for ongoing recovery <3

Ariel 

[KenA]

Because you're feeling better, I added our cheerful "here comes the sun" symbol ☼ to the title of your Intro topic, to show you're recovering.

 

Please continue to let us know how you're doing. I hope you will add your story to our Recovery Success Stories eventually!

 

Please see this topic:  How to write your success story

[Icip]

@mstimc, @Ariel, @KenA,

 

Thank you all for the very lovely, and affirming words - though I am not sure what bad omen I brought upon myself by posting the above, though later that evening, a v aggressive 'migraine' came on, and is still with me now.

 

Tim, I do hope so! I was aware whilst writing that I have posted many "I'm doing well" posts since 2021 I do believe, only then to have flare ups. Even viewing from this podium, I can see and feel that I was significantly less healed, in my symptoms then, than I am now. Isn't it funny how we reach a baseline that feels 'healed', despite it not being the most that it could be. It feels a bit like hitting a threshold - one where you can relax a little bit more as you're already there (though there are still places to go!). I'm excited, i have had to keep reminding myself of that through the migraine, which tend to bring my mood down a bit - I will be in Southern France this Monday to see my partner, and then to Paris for a few weeks as she will be based there until Christmas. I'm going to be taking the time to apply for work - right now it's looking like that may be within (God willing) a local parliamentary representatives office, doing casework, or communications. I've a few choices of where to apply for, one in my University City, one in my home City, and then another in London - so it all feels very contingent! The graduate application window for our public/civil service jobs opens this October, and if I am successful, the role that I am successful in would start in September, or October of next year; so there is a big window to fill! What was your role within the public sector - whenever I think of American public/governmental jobs, I usually think of either Park Departments, or the US Postal Office. I think that is what appeals to me the most; purpose in my work, and being able to potentially make someone's daily life/experience better? I have differing conversations with friends, some pursuing a creative career only wanting to be expressive, and to live free within something they love, and then my more money-orientated friends, who talk to me about investing, stocks, and starting their own businesses; I find it funny as neither types seem to understand the lure to public service. The former's I understand, though the latter doesn't appeal, seems like far too much work to me! Thank you, for the words concerning OCD, as ever - I'm finding it harder and harder to remember to stop myself from remembering (things!), as life gets busier it all sort of comes at you at once, sometimes as equally weighted barking dogs, other times things take precedence over another. You've made me think about this three-day migraine; I don't think that I've really had an OCD spiral, I would think because there is a far larger, and far more annoying/despair-inducing cloud over me.

 

Ariel, thank you for the lovely words, and for stopping by my thread! Haha yes. I am in the 'about to finish I am scared to finish' phase of writing, putting off the final little chapter having just finished quite a huge (7,000 words) and daunting one, that was complex to piece together. I may update here once it is finished/handed in, it'll be a welcome reprieve from an elevated capacity for anxiety, and panic, that I have had since starting writing in mid-May. The vibes are insomuch very welcome, God bless:)

 

 

KenA, wooow!! I had forgotten about these - (I'm tearing up a little). I always saw them as a milestone, not so much for my account on here, but as symbolic to where I am at; my entire process of healing is so explicitly linked to this site, in a way that this feels so vindicating, so, thank you. I'm not sure if I have seen that you are an admin yet? Maybe I have as it seems to ring some bells, but in case if not - well done! I have been putting off writing a success/healing story, until I feel that wider parameters of the affect of my reaction, such as increased anxiety/OCD have been remedied, or atleast are managed a bit more effectively. I want to, though this I feel may take some time to feel like I am in a place for it. I will write one soon, I think within the next year to two years.

 

Thank you all for aiding me throughout this,

 

Icip

[mstimc]

Good morning, Icip!

 

I was a administrative manager for city government.  That means I took care of all the "back office" operations: customer service, budgeting, administrative support, etc.  My home department was Public Works, but I did work for nearly all the other departments in our city, like Police, Fire, Library, etc.  It was an incredibly rewarding vocation.  Knowing what you do has a positive effect on others is very satisfying; I didn't get rich but we did well financially, and I knew what I did had value.

 

I think you'll find the same if you pursue a similar career. From what I've read, the public service is highly valued in the UK. 

[KenA]

19 hours ago, Icip said:

KenA, wooow!! I had forgotten about these - (I'm tearing up a little). I always saw them as a milestone, not so much for my account on here, but as symbolic to where I am at; my entire process of healing is so explicitly linked to this site, in a way that this feels so vindicating, so, thank you. I'm not sure if I have seen that you are an admin yet? Maybe I have as it seems to ring some bells, but in case if not - well done! I have been putting off writing a success/healing story, until I feel that wider parameters of the affect of my reaction, such as increased anxiety/OCD have been remedied, or atleast are managed a bit more effectively. I want to, though this I feel may take some time to feel like I am in a place for it. I will write one soon, I think within the next year to two years.

You are most welcome my friend! You are one of the first people who reached out to me when I joined the site so I have been following you for quite a while now I decided to give back to the site once I healed and when they needed an admin to help keep the site going I gladly volunteered Looking forward to reading your success story one day when you are ready my friend!! Congrats on making such great progress! Healing awaits