Gonzo: Sertraline 50mg chaos and withdrawal

[Gonzo]

That was what I was trying to understand, discover and fix, this mysterious and excruciating "feeling" of mine, feeling like there is something wrong with me, which is what some people call "toxic"/traumatic shame (moral suffering/damage/trauma), it's real, but it's not a moral defect, it's the feeling itself, it's the pain, that no one ever saw and/or validated and normalized, because I lacked the moral support and external emotional validation to do so, in fact what I was is invalidated, stigmatized, alienated, oppressed, shamed, for my feelings, emotions and reactions, again and again, so I started perceiving this pain as some kind of dangerous character flaw and I became scared of it, because how others reacted to my own suffering, and as a result I reppressed and hide it, until my 19-20 yo postraumatic and moral crisis happened, when the trauma had become disabling and excruciating. I need to treat myself as I always needed and deserved to, with respect, dignity, humanity and love. It's this invalidated pain and suffering what always made me feel inhuman, immoral, unsafe, abnormal, threatened, and psychiatry and this narcissistic woman, both of them while I was in crisis, as an adult, aggravated this pain and suffering to the point of getting dangerously close to psychosis (my family too). But somehow I remained sane.

[Gonzo]

More insights today. Understanding better and better the terrifying mess that my inner world and experiences have been for the past 8+ years, specially since 2021. I need to validate and normalize this kind of childhood traumatic terror and pain of mine to be able to recover once for all. I'm getting more and better attuned with my inner world. When I took Sertraline I desynchronized with it and I didn't even know, how misattuned/disconnected I was from it, I just remember that when I started taking the pills I felt very weird for some time until its "positive" ("happy") effects kicked it. Now I understand that what was happening is that I was disconnecting from my real emotions, feelings and needs, i.e. my true inner world, being replaced by its fakeness, by its synthetic and deceitful emotions, feelings and inner world. All a scam.

[Gonzo]

The more I understand my pain, trauma and unhappiness the more attuned I am with my inner world and experiences, the more connected I feel to life, the stronger I feel and more passionate. This damn drug had a deeper effect on me and my life than I ever imagined, it took my spirit, passion and humanity away when it made me disconnect from my suffering for all those years.

[Gonzo]

I'm understanding the value of pain and suffering now, how it's related to passion, the human spirit and condition.

[Gonzo]

I'm feeling pretty close to recovery now, and by that I mean feeling whole, normal and safe. I believe that's a mental and emotional state of inner peace and I feel close.

[Gonzo]

I now understand that when I was 19-20 I was trying to understand and reintegrate all of my pain, suffering and trauma, which was extremely healthy. I did it for different reasons: I was tired of suffering alone, of feeling alone, abnormal, inhuman, and had very intense postraumatic reactions, I was very angry, I'm fear, paranoid, etc, I also wanted to be at peace with myself and the world, and I wanted to be fully "functional", to live life fully, to be "happy". All this is the natural meaning-making and healing process, I was looking for meaning and purpose for my unhappines, trying to know where all this was coming from and to fix it, I was trying to reintegrate myself. I faced my inner demons and it was something GOOD and NECESSARY, I was extremely brave doing that, I took a look inside of me, at my inner world, which was devastated by all the moral damage that I had suffered all my life and never healed due to lack of moral support and emotional validation, and there was a lot of invalidated and reppressed pain and trauma, and I engaged in this healing process alone, I had no choice because no one ever understood my struggles, my inner fight and experience, my pain. Because I was alone trying to heal and deeply traumatized and hurt, very disturbed due the amount of unhealed pain that I carried, my postraumatic and moral crisis happened, it was inevitable, I also felt a huge amount of social and moral pressure to be fully "functional", to meet social and moral expectations, when I was 19-20. Then psychiatry happened, sabotaged me, traumatized me even more and forced me to disconnect from my inner world in crisis, chemically, with Sertraline, and psychologically, because of the huge moral damage that it inflicted to me during the whole intervention. The worst part is that this damn drug made me feel, believe and think that I truly had reintegrated and that all that life long pain, suffering and trauma were finally a thing of the past. Not only that, while I was drugged I started seeing my pain and suffering, unhappiness, trauma, inner discomfort/disturbance/tension, etc, as signs that I was getting "bad" (mentally ill) again, that my "symptoms" were getting worse and that I was gonna get in crisis, arrested and revictimized again. So psychiatry used this awful drug to brainwash me, morally indoctrinate me into its insane sanism, control me, manipulate me and gaslight me, to submiss me, and I started fearing myself and my true inner world, that was chemically suppressed by Sertraline, for years. And I actually did good fearing my true inner world, because it was still in crisis and aggravated by the criminal and inhumane psychiatric intervention, all the pain and trauma were still there, intact, and maybe I more or less knew that at some level, so the moment I stopped taking the pills and coming back to reality everything was gonna come back and a retraumatization was ensured, reason why I came back to it in April 2020. For this reason the Sertraline chemical deception was so cruel and devastating. I didn't want to suffer all that ever again and specially to suffer alone the way I did, it was a torture, and I was punished, treated like a crazy and dangerous criminal, for suffering, being disturbing for others (which is discrimination, sanism) and acting out. My pain was never healed, I was tricked to believe it was and that I was doing better than ever with this ******* drug. And still I had no one that understood my pain. I was so alone, trapped with my suffering, unable to connect with it and being surrounded by others disconnected from it. All this has been simply a crazy-making horrible living nightmare and I barely can believe it. And I resisted to believe it all had been a cruel lie as much as I could, that I had lost all my inner progress, that I never overcame my suffering, pain and trauma, that in fact they never went away and I had become mentally and emotionally weaker and dumber. I didn't know what the hell to do with my pain and suffering anymore except to run away from it, I had lost my knowledge about it, my healthier coping skills and distress tolerance, my moral, mental and emotional resilience and maturity, all gone with insane psychiatry and Sertraline. It's just cruel to do this to a deeply traumatized, hurt and disturbed person like I was, desperately trying to find understanding, support and validation to recover, and not just cruelty, it's malpractice.

 

Suffering, pain, unhappiness, they are normal, they're the human condition, not the opposite. To be in pain, suffering, unhappy, and to react to it is the most human thing to do. Pain is painful. To be in pain it's not wrong. To fight for happiness and wellbeing is good and normal.

[Gonzo]

I think in the future, when I feel better, I'll go back to read these posts and I'll realize how disturbed I was during my 20s and how insane and criminal psychiatry deprived me of the oportunity to heal my trauma for most of them. 

[BaccatePlayer]

I recently saw this and thought of you immediately. It discusses how psychiatry labels negative thoughts, excessive thoughts, or intrusive thoughts as illnesses when they can be as normal as anything else. What do you think? 

 

 

 

 

[Gonzo]

I totally agree with him, thanks for sharing. He is telling the truth, the medical model of mental health is unhealthy because it doesn't acknowledge the psychological suffering and reactions to it is a normal part for the human condition, in fact is central, but because psychiatry lacks critical thinking it can not question itself so it protects the moral system, that toxic medical model of mental health being part of it (sanism). As he is implying, if you wanna recover you need to understand and accept suffering but also engage with life again. He also is talking about how psychiatry intoxicates our metacognition, i.e. the relationship we have with our own inner world (pain being a natural part of our inner experiences). Psychiatry exists for social control moral protection, and to push pills because it's a huge business. It's simply harmful, toxic.

[BaccatePlayer]

Yes, and honestly, the basics of survival instincts are actually quite negative. We survive because we are suspicious, because we fear death and danger. There is a place for happiness and letting go of grief, but our sense of contentment and peace should come from our own experiences and values, not from an artificially induced trend that's more comfortable for greedy doctors with no sense of morality.

[Gonzo]

Very well spoken @BaccatePlayer. 100% agree. Also, we survive became we fear pain. Pain is probably one of the biggest motivators if not the biggest one. You take away all those things and we become passive and apathetic creatures, without passion. Just stay away from psychiatry and the MH system/industry overall. Another I recently realized is that in this toxic individualistic society and culture we can't depend on others for our own mental and emotional wellbeing and stability, not because it's wrong to depend on others for that, it's the most human thing ever, but there is no true community in this type of narcissistic society and culture, and most people are dettached from their own trauma and pain for that same reason, to avoid all those things you said, i.e. most people are individualistic because it's adaptive in a traumatized individualistic and ***** up society and culture, it's what works better, and for that reason they can't connect with our pain and support us morally and emotionally, not at the deep level we need to at least to heal our trauma and injuries. This is very sad and unfortunate because true healing can only happen in community, with moral support and external emotional validation, but when people are distressed and in crisis in our society we drug, pathologize, stigmatize, punish and seclude them, like they did to me, and for that reason almost no one is truly reintegrated and healed, but disconnected from the pain and trauma, that becomes intergenerational and chronic. So because the moral system of our society is deeply flawed, inhumane and traumatizing everyone is forced to dettach more or less psychologically and/or chemically to escape the pain and be able to survive and the suffering becomes endless. Western society is dehumanized, insane and dystopic, it's just a toxic mess, it's not what it seems. There are no moral support and emotional validation to be found in our individualistic, narcissistic and sanistic society and culture to validate, normalize and overcome our pain and suffering, there is no community, we can only do the inner child work to validate, normalize and heal ourselves our own traumas and if we are lucky find someone else that did the same thing or has a non individualistic mindset. If not, we are forced to disconnect psychologically dissociating for the pain and/or chemically suppressing it with drugs, being legal or illegal.

[Gonzo]

Just had an argument with a friend about something related to MH and I feel I was shamed unfairly. This friend knows everything about my story regarding psychiatry and I feel she was insensitive and narcissistic. I'm considering cutting ties if there is no apoligize or if she keep behaving like this. It made me think that it was a mistake to search for moral support and external emotional validation all these years, I was punished again and again for doing so, breaking the rules of this individualistic and narcissistic society's dehumanized moral system. It's not wrong to search for that support and validation for your pain, in fact it's extremely human and normal to do so, but it doesn't work in this society, quite the opposite, it makes you suffer even more. And I'm done with that. No more. This narcissistic woman from years again that hurt me so badly clearly saw and understood my pain, and she did it better than I could being disconnected by trauma and Sertraline from it, and she used it to manipulate me while I was desperately trying to get my pain validated, she used my pain to play with me and emotionally hook me while I was weak, in an extremely vulnerable emotional and mental state and when I finally decided to trust her and try to communicate my pain again, like I did at the hospital and before, she tried to discard me, she rejected and punished me and I was revictimized once more, that's why she hurt me so much, why the moral injury she inflicted to me was so devastating. She was a total scammer, and I decided to come out of Sertraline with her. Sertraline was another scam that I hardly could understand and accept for years. But it's over, no more of this punishment. I'm done with it. I also realized that I've been acting-out for a long time more or less, before, during and after the psychiatric intervention, trying to get my pain seen, understood and validated. But I couldn't. So I got more frustrated, punished and hurt. Acting-out is not wrong nor abnormal, but in this society is immoral, despicable and punished.

[Gonzo]

This argument I described in my previous post gave me a lot of insight regarding my life issues and what things I did wrong these past 8+ years. I can't change the way our culture is, and I fully acknowledge that what I've been trying to do is not wrong per se, but not helpful either to improve my quality of life, in fact, it's one of the factors that got me into psychiatry and all this mess. I went against the whole culture with my mindset, searched for validation and support in the same culture I was going against when breaking its rules, and the culture crushed me, as it's supposed to happen. The individual is not stronger than the relational environment he lives in. But I searched for that emotional validation and moral support, understanding, to validate (morally) and normalize my pain, because it was overwhelming, disabling, I had strong emotional and postraumatic reactions, I was desperate, confused and overwhelmed, under a lot of social and moral pressure to be fully "functional", to meet social and moral expectations, and I did my best while being alone with my excruciating moral suffering to do so. It's not my fault that things went this way for the most part but it's true too that what I did didn't help me at the end. So, it is what it is I suppose. Now it's time for a change of tactics and I can asure that I won't be actively searching for more emotional validation, understanding and moral support. It's over. I had more than enough punishment. No more.

[Gonzo]

I feel things are coming full circle in my mind. Sertraline and the trauma of my psychiatric intervention really shattered my memory, made everything scary and foggy. Now I have a new perspective that is letting me achieve some kind of closure. I think it's a good sign. We'll see...

[Gonzo]

I'm feeling more "whole" today. Still not feeling good about myself but I'm feeling stronger and better, more myself. I think the puzzle in my mind is pretty close to being completed, the one that psychiatry destroyed.

[Gonzo]

When I was 19-20 I was trying to understand and overcome/fix/heal my longlife trauma, which was something extremely subjective because it was extremely personal and abstract, and disabling, it didn't let me be fully "functional" in various ways, specially regarding social life, and I wanted to enjoy life. I did my best, and I tried to find emotional validation, understanding and moral support to do that. But I found none. During the year and half that I isolated myself to do all this and during my psychiatric intervention I felt many times in a certain and very specific way: abandoned, alone in the world with my pain, hopeless. This happened to me those times that I was trying to communicate my distressing inner experiences and painful psychosocial issues to various therapists before the psychiatric intervention happened and they couldn't really connect with me, with my pain and distress, with my inner disturbance, it was like being beated down, it felt like pure hopelessness. But it was specially accute when I got into the ambulance on my way to the psychiatric ward and once I was there and tried to tell my painful story to my dumbass psychiatrst and to all the people there actually, but specially him, I was really desperate to feel seen, understood, validated, supported, I'm talking about my inner world and experiences, my pain, trauma and suffering. But it was all useless again and I was too overwhelmed this time by such an amount of oppression and very, very exhausted, physically and mentally, depleted, then I was drugged and forced to disconnect from all my pain and my inner world in crisis, from myself, without been supported at all but discriminated, violated and suppressed when I was extremely vulnerable and actively searching for help. It's always the same feeling, feeling abandoned, alone with my pain, terrified, powerless, hopeless. I always try to not get dominated by it but since this psychiatric intervention happened (which by the way I forced in many ways using food as a tool to get attention and have my suffering seen and validated, acting-out) these painful feelings have become much more powerful and I fear that I can't get out of this dark hole. I year ago I wondered if this is some kind of preverbal trauma reinforced by all the traumas that happened to me. Since my first memory I felt this terror, feeling abandoned, with my pain, neglected, unsupported, invalidated, alone. They sabotaged my healing process, then this damn drug, Sertraline, tricked me into thinking that I truly had healed, but I wasn't at all, I was just disconnected, numbed, sedated, high. I was trying to heal that preverbal trauma or whatever on my own mostly, alone, because no one understood it, and I almost did it, I just needed a little push in the form of external emotional validation and moral support, to normalize my pain, suffering and trauma, instead I was revictimized and forced to disconnect because in this soulless, disconnected and individualistic society without true community it's impossible to find those things and it's immoral to search for them, punished, hell, acting-out is punished. This is why Sertraline deception was so cruel. I believe all this has its roots in some very early kind of attachment/abandonment trauma, reason why I have felt this way since my first memory, when I was 3-4 years old.

[Gonzo]

Feeling ver deppressed these past days. I'd say it's grieving but also reconnecting with my pain and trauma. In this society they're deemed as abnormal, immoral, useless, meaningless, illnesses, disorders, etc, so since my psychiatric intervention and brainwashing, which happened for the most part while I was drugged and disconnected from my inner world in crisis and pain, I ran away from all those things to be "normal" and "functional". But I realize that you feel more alive and live fully when you're connected to your pain, you value live more. So I was living like a robot, in autopilot mode.

[Gonzo]

Having a rough days. Very distressed. I try to not see my painful inner experiences, emotions, feelings and reactions as illnesses or wrong, but as logical and natural, normal. It's difficult, but I'm trying.

[Gonzo]

I keep having good insights. I realized that when I disconnected from my pain, suffering, unhappiness and trauma, due to psychiatry and Sertraline, I became stupid, immature, weaker, intolerant to distress, to real life, I lost contact with my inner world, my true self and my soul, my spirituality, my passion, my inner fire, and I started fearing suffering, I became afraid of pain, afraid of life, even if I didn't notice while drugged or in withdrawal. I can't describe it better than that. It's a chemical lobotomy, even if less than AP. So when I stopped taking the pills and I came back to real life it was simply unbearable, I couldn't cope with real life anymore, and I was still in crisis many years later, because my inner world was still in crisis. So a huge amount of suffering followed the discontinuation of Sertraline. Useless suffering. Or maybe not? What if all this psychiatric trauma has purpose and meaning?

[Gonzo]

I'd say I'm finally regaining significant control over my complex cognitive processes after all these years, new insights are coming non stop, I'm making complex cognitive connections in my mind between feelings, emotions, thoughts, beliefs, past and present inner and external experiences and being able to tolerate and understand my suffering as I used to in the past, before psychiatry and its insidious intervention happened.

[Gonzo]

My mental clarity keeps getting better. Today probably has been the day it reached its peak so far, for the past 7+ years, since I was released from the psychiatric ward I'd say. Very personal and complicated things are getting clearer that I'll try to explain sometime later, my inner world, which was in crisis when I started taking Sertraline and dettaching from it, was very complex, rich and deep, and I started fearing it due to psychiatry and Sertraline. I couldn't understand that that part of my self, my moral identity/superego, my inner judge and inner moral demon, that tells you what you must and must not do, be or not be, was a monster but not my enemy, it came to existence and became so harsh because what I experienced in my life was harsh as well, it was trying to protect me from future abuse, oppression, alienation, discrimination, seclusion, and specially sanism at the end, due to the psychiatric trauma. It has been my ally all this time, protecting my true identity, the hurt inner child, from more moral trauma and injuries. But psychiatry brainwashed me to think, feel and believe that it was something wrong inside of me, this inner voice, these "dysfuntional/unhealthy" coping strategies, all these painful feelings and emotions, my reactions... Yeah, all that is painful, but helpful and meaningful, they're like preemptive attacks, self-suppression, reppression, masking, fawning. My inner moral demon, this monster and harsh moral judge, my extreme moral identity/superego, was created when I internalized all the oppression that I suffered in my life. It's also called internalized aggression, identification with the aggressor, etc, all part of the socialization process, a traumatic one. But it's not my enemy, the enemy is not inside of me, I'm not my own enemy, my mind is not my enemy, is not working against me, but to protect me, to save me from being abandoned, rejected, abused, revictimized, sometimes in strange or difficult to understand ways, but that's what it does. When I was 19-20 I became consciouss of its existence, "self-aware", and tried to overcome it, to become fully "functional", because it was an obstacle to have a good perfomance and I was very traumatized and hurt, so my moral identity was very dominating as well, reason why I had those overwhelming moral feelings and emotions and postraumatic reactions, and I did my best to achieve that, to become my authentic and real self, to get out of survival mode, find myself again and my calling in Life. Until psychiatry sabotaged me, revictimized me, and I spent the next 7+ years of my life disconnected chemically and psychologically from my true self and my real problems or unable to understand anything. Behind this extreme moral identity is a very deep and primitive fear of abandonment and rejection, I identified that, it's been there my whole life, since my first memory. So, that's all I have to say for now. Things are getting better but I'm very lost and not "functional" yet, I haven't been able to because my objective has always been to overcome this "demon" of mine and become fully "functional", not just "functional" in survival mode, but to live my best life overcoming my "obstacles"/ psychosocial "issues". Suffering into truth. What I thought was my worst enemy has been my very best friend all this time. I'm getting out of the brain fog of Sertraline, psychiatry and trauma, that almost made go crazy for a long time.

[Gonzo]

I'm currently trying to rewrite my memories for the past 7+ years, specially while drugged. It's difficult to describe how I feel about them. It feels like it was me the one who lived those years, but someone else, even if I know it was actually me, there is an emotional dettachment from my self during those years. I don't emotionally recognize that person. He was disconnected from pain, living in a fake world, I'd say deprived of his soul even, so soulless. Physically I know that early 20s kid was me, but that's it. It's very distressing. That person wasn't me and I need to accept it, that I was emotionally and mentally absent.

 

I'm coming back to reality more and more the more I feel, accept and understand my pain, suffering and trauma.

[Gonzo]

I'm feeling a bit more peaceful today. Still distressed but more relaxed. I've been surrounded by people all this time and felt so alone, unseen.

[Gonzo]

I'm trying to forgive myself for all these things that happened to me. Had I had the support I needed they would never had happened. I did my best to solve my problems but I was simply sabotaged and violated. Plain and simple.

[Gonzo]

I realize that all this time the peace that I craved was in front of me but I refused to take it. Because I never accepted reality. I kept fighting against it, fighting a lost fight. And suffering and being punished again and again because of it. Acceptance is the peace I was looking for. It's not my fault that things are the way they are, I did my best to change and improve things, if I failed it wasn't my fault. To mature is to accept and adjust to reality, and I couldn't do that while drugged and overwhelmed and in withdrawal anyway. But now I am not in withdrawal. I'm just dealing with reality and moral damage, trauma, pain.

[Gonzo]

I was watching once more these two videos of Daniel Mackler, a former therapist that I really like:

 

 

 

 

 

I think I experienced some kind of "psychosis" during my postraumatic and moral crisis, but it was mostly feelings and emotions that I became aware of and tried to make sense of as an adult the best I could (with an adult rational mind). It got complicated, psychiatry happened and I never overcame that crisis because my healing process was halted.

 

[Gonzo]

I'm trying to come to terms with reality. Those two Daniel Mackler videos explain pretty well what happened to me. I was 19 and under a lot of social and moral pressure to meet social and moral expectations, but I was also very hurt and traumatized and that situation triggered a very early abandonment trauma that I felt like alien and disturbing and made me react with anger, violence, sadness, paranoia, lots of anxiety, etc, it was an obstacle to achive a fully "functional" status, to be fully productive, competitive, efective, efficient, etc, so I tried to fix it. I created an intellectualized narrative to explain my inner and external experiences, specially this very early abandonment trauma that I wasn't able to fully comprehend actually until this month, many years later. But I was in full contact with my trauma and pain, with my hurt inner child, and did my best to heal and fully recover. I did what humans naturally do, search for human connection, for moral support, understanding and emotional validation in others to reintegrate my trauma and pain, recover morally, heal myself. But then I faced the reality of this individualistic society, that is people in pain, traumatized, etc, don't really get helped, they get drugged and suppressed, because there is no true social fabric and everyone is dettached from their own traumas and pain. So I experienced a revictimization of that same trauma at the hospital that I was trying to understand, explain, communicate and heal with the help of the MH "experts". Even so once I was out I kept searching for that support, understanding and validation in other people, people that I felt some kind of connection. Sadly those people were also hurt, unhealed, and many times abusive, I have to confess that I also had abusive behaviors because I was hurt and unhealed like them, toxic. Then I kept reexperiencing more revictimizations of the same core wound, being rejected, abandoned, so my core abandonment trauma became worse and worse and my desperation for validation, support, understanding, just affection actually, grew bigger and bigger. Sertraline and psychiatry created huge confusion in my mind, because they brainwashed and deceived me, even so I think I always knew that I had left something undone, which was my healing process. But I was in big part disconnected from that pain and trauma, first of all because the moral damage that I experienced at the hospital was massive due to discrimination and violation of my autonomy and I shut down because of the pain and trauma that I suffered there, during my psychiatric intervention, I dissociated, and second because Sertraline made me chemically disconnect from all that even more, my dissociating was double then, chemically and psychologically, so my healing process was stunted. Also psychiatry halted my meaning-making process with its oppression, which was essential for my recovery, when it deemed it as simply insanity, I really hope to be helped at the hospital, the betrayal I felt was colosal. When I was 19 I reconnected with all this pain and trauma, under those circumstances, and I gave everything I had to heal and live my best life, but I was revictimized again and again, but I did nothing wrong, my punishment was undeserved, I did the human thing when hurt, even if it didn't work out. That's what I need to accept, that it didn't work out, and that it won't. But I don't want to disconnect ever again, I reconnected with all my pain and trauma when I stopped taking Sertraline, when I was 24 specially, but again, I found no moral support, no emotional validation, no understanding from others, because it's the same issue: there is no true social fabric, no real community. That's why people drug themselves, to numb the pain, to dissociate from the trauma, because they find no human connection to relieve all that in a natural way in this deshumanized society, so they have to carry alone their pain and trauma and we are not designed to do that but to rely on others, it's in our nature. So I have to keep being hopeful that one day I'll find the right people or person and I will finally heal, but meanwhile I also need to understand that my pain, suffering and trauma is logical, normal, natural, appropiate, same as my reactions and coping strategies, the healthy and unhealthy ones, and I need to learn how to cope with my own pain and trauma the best I can, on my own, without being able to reliant too much or at all on people that are dettached from theirs, until the day I crave comes. There is nothing wrong with me, nothing. I reconnected with all this ancient abandonment trauma just to reexperience it again and again, being rejected, abandoned, revictimized, just when I trying to heal it once for all. That's why I'm so freaking hurt and deppressed.

[Gonzo]

I gave everything I had to find moral support, emotional validation, affection, understanding, to find closure for my abandonment and moral trauma, to end this excrutiating moral suffering, all these "symptoms", only to be punished, violated, drugged, revictimized, oppressed, alienated. That's the tragedy, that I did my best, the human thing, and I was abused anyway, that it never depended on me, and what I did or didn't, because that's why I was traumatized in the first place. This is the only emotional validation and closure I'm going to have. No matter how desperate my cry for help is or attention I seek, like I did when I was 19-20. It doesn't work. That's the lesson. I even told my psychiatrist at the hospital that I thought I had PTSD, talked about traumatic stuff, but he didn't even listen to me. I couldn't have done anything more than I did. That's the tragedy. Only acceptance can bring me peace.  I remembered that when I was 19 I isolated because of all these overwhelming and confusing feelings, of anger, rage even, anger, sadness, fear, guilt, shame, I was very paranoid and angry, I isolated to protect myself from others and to protect others from me, I had no idea where all that was coming from, it seemed to me illogical, but I felt there was something deeper behind those postraumatic reactions, something that I was missing, and I needed to control them anyway, to be "normal" and fully "functional", so I tried to understand all this and fix it. It didn't work out because of psychiatry, that discriminated and oppressed me for being in crisis and my "abnormal" behaviors. Just a tragedy. All these lost years for nothing. Psychiatry and Sertraline just worsened my trauma and confused me so much, all in the name of "help", all these MH "experts" did was to abandon and reject me. Insane.

[Gonzo]

And above anything else I felt alone, abandoned, rejected. Many of my life-long and worst issues are related to my abandonment trauma, which is mostly related to emotional neglect, and I couldn't find closure for it because of psychiatry. What I did when I was 19-20 was something extraordinary, I faced all this excruciating pain and trauma alone, all my inner demons, trying to heal, but what I suffered because of psychiatry, the same betrayal, abandonment, neglect, rejection, that my trauma is built upon, was and is equally massive, so much that I was shut down for years, not only chemically but psychologically years after I stopped taking Sertraline. I have no words to describe the pain I feel, how mistreated I was, being just a kid, I feel bad for my old self, for what he had to endure. As Mackler said in those videos, I was forced to come back to "normal", not for my own wellbeing, but to stop being disturbing for others, they just were clueless about my trauma and pain, totally blind, all they did was to suppress everything, chemically and psychologically, to reppress me, to force me to disconnect, they never understood me, never were able to help me, to support me, to validate me and my experiences. Harmful and toxic people. They delayed my recovery for more than 7 years. I couldn't even comprehend the damage that psychiatry did to me, because it was so much that my mind shut down, and on top of that I was drugged, became and addict without even realizing. I needed affection and I was locked down for a month, put in jail, treated like a rabid animal, discriminated, violated and drugged, labelled insane, humiliated, forced to accept a label that said I had gone mad, forced to dissociate, when all I was looking for was their support, understanding, validation, to heal. All this in the name of "help". How evil. How can this happen.

[Gonzo]

Just realizing all I've been living for for the past 7+ years is to avoid reexperiencing my abandonment trauma, I've possessed by my trauma, by my moral identity. Because of how hurt I was and am. And the total lack of moral support. When I was 19 I wanted to avoid living like this, I even seriously thought about commiting suicide, but I decided to go through all this. To be honest, I have nothing to live for. And I'm getting older and aging fast.

[Gonzo]

Everyone is hurt by the same trauma, suffering the same pain, in one degree or another, but I was too confused, being chemically and psychologically disconnected, overwhelmed, immature (because of having been forced to disconnect by psychiatry) or simply eggocentric to be able to see it. This society hurts, betrays and abandons everyone, everyone is hurt, and everyone is searching to be comforted, to belong, to not feel and suffer alone, as I do. And everyone deals with that pain the best they can. I'm not alone with my pain and trauma, but the opposite.

[Gonzo]

We are all hurt by society, people just have different reactions, that's the main difference between all of us. I believed, felt and thought I was alone with my pain, suffering and trauma, that's why I've been so disturbed, suffering so much, feeling so dettached, alone, because of this ancient abandonment trauma that I tried to get normalized when I was 19-20 yo and miserably failed to do, because of others. But I'm not alone with this suffering, pain and trauma that always felt alien to me, abnormal, illogical, disturbing. Everyone is abandoned in this individualistic society, one way or another, not just me. Suffering make us normal humans, not freaks.

[Gonzo]

I felt so alone, trapped with my pain, trauma and suffering, so unhappy, feeling like there is something wrong with me, because of the way I feel. I felt so angry, sad, confused, anxious, stressed out, paranoid, resentful, so defective, unloved, unloveable. All of that coming from this ancient abandonment trauma that I tried to overcome when I was 19-20 but wasn't allowed to. Now I realize I'm not alone with my pain, that suffering makes us humans, is what we share, it's the human condition. Everyone wants to belong, to have their suffering seen and understood, validated, normalized, to be part of this thing called humanity. It's just that this imperfect, or evil even, individualistic and capitalistic society make us disconnect from ourselves, from our own pain and trauma, and from others, to lose all meaning and purpose, other than to numb that suffering working like slaves to be able to buy and consume stuff that give us pleasure to relieve the suffering. We are not alone, we think we are, we are told that lie, we are brainwashed to believe it, but it's not true, we all share the same suffering and desire to be seen and have it validated, to belong. This is a massive and intergenerational trauma that I personally don't believe will end soon but we can become aware of its existence and do our own inner work and part to make the world a better and more humane place. We need to forgive ourselves and grieve the support and love that we never had, because it's not our fault, it's just the tragedy of this imperfect, toxic and dehumanized society.

[Gonzo]

I thought I was alone with my trauma, suffering and pain, that's why they were so disturbing for me and why I was so unhappy, but I wasn't alone.

[Gonzo]

I need to work on my abandonment trauma and acceptance.

[Gonzo]

I also need to forgive myself, and if I can, those people that hurt me too.

 

I stopped taking Sertraline and time passed so quickly. I got into survival/panic/fight-flight mode again because I reconnected with all this unprocessed abandonment trauma, pain and suffering, with my unresolved crisis, I got into a kind of tunnel vision, it has been insane. Almost 4 years since I stopped taking Sertraline.

 

I really wonder these days what the hell happened to me and my life, I never could have imagined that I would spent almost 9 years trapped in this hellish mental and emotional state.