BaccatePlayer: Immediate adverse reaction to sertraline

May 13

2 hours ago, KenA said:

@BaccatePlayer Hang in there. I know how awful those really strong waves can be. Just remember, the stronger the wave, the more healing that is getting done. I used to tell myself that all the time when the waves were overwhelming. I would just tell myself I was having a good strong day of healing!! You've got this!

Ken

I appreciate your response. I couldn't get a window for a month, and every day I kept telling myself that it was just a major healing process in action. I usually manage the waves, but this time it escalated to such severity that it overwhelmed too much of my brain. It felt as though I was thrown from 'I'm having a symptom' into 'I'm only a minor part within a body full of symptoms'. These blackouts are traumatizing. I have a hard time accepting them because if I can zone out like this, who knows what else is possible. I can already fully function in everyday life being 5 months medication-free, but these neurological glitches still make it feel as though my life has been replaced by some alien dimension, with only my internal voice under my control. I'm glad that at least I don't hallucinate, nor have I had a panic attack or severe akathisia. I'm clinging to your story. Some people will never survive what we've been through.

2 hours ago, Gonzo said:

That's so true @KenA, my most valuable insights (that led me to be more mentally and emotionally stable) came after the most sh*tty moments!

I believe we should learn to experience both joy and sadness. Going to either extreme makes us miss vital parts of life.

May 13

You're doing a great job expressing what you're going through with those posts man. You need to let everything get out, to the light, to be seen, heard, and validated by others. Forget what psychiatry told to you, psychiatry only wants us to be "normal" and "functional", robotic, inhuman, it doesn't like intensity, unhappiness, or too much happiness. Psychiatrists are moral judges. Keep it up, let people know what you're experiencing. The pain must be felt and seen as much as happiness, that's what means to be human, to experience life fully. Many people here have been severely judged and shamed for too long and too unfairly. It's time that we reject that baggage.

May 14

20 hours ago, Gonzo said:

You're doing a great job expressing what you're going through with those posts man. You need to let everything get out, to the light, to be seen, heard, and validated by others. Forget what psychiatry told to you, psychiatry only wants us to be "normal" and "functional", robotic, inhuman, it doesn't like intensity, unhappiness, or too much happiness. Psychiatrists are moral judges. Keep it up, let people know what you're experiencing. The pain must be felt and seen as much as happiness, that's what means to be human, to experience life fully. Many people here have been severely judged and shamed for too long and too unfairly. It's time that we reject that baggage

My symptoms have morphed again. It feels like I'm entering another phase. They've almost completely shifted away from the thinking-feeling sphere. Yes, I still experience my perception shrinking or altering focus, but it's at least clearly panic-based now. I remember when I couldn't entertain certain thoughts or states because it felt like unnecessarily touching electricity with wet hands. Now, it functions normally, and I can think whatever I want. That's not to say it's worth it, because if I introspect for too long, then I feel like I'm "pumping too much blood" into my interior, making it more difficult to engage with the real world. I also stopped feeling depersonalization and those moments of "my brain drowning in chemicals." There's a chance I've healed from panic attacks too, but I need one more month to be more confident about that. The problem is, I still feel I'm not myself in my own skin. It's difficult to describe, but it's like my overall sense of being is off, chemically altered. It's as if my entire bloodstream was metallic, or I don't really know what to compare it to, but you can just tell it's alien and purely on a chemical level. I think this will be the case either for quite a while or until I'm 100% recovered. Maybe it's like a scar. You simply have it, and it feels and looks weird until it fades on its own, signifying the end of healing. I do have neurological symptoms in place of mental ones. Yesterday, I experienced some appendicitis-like pain, which is very unique, and I've had it in my mid-back and chest a few times. Brain burning is almost ever-present. It actually affects my cheeks too. I feel worse when sitting down lately, much like in December. My ears have some temporary glitches too, with the loudness and distance of sound seeming to randomly change to some degree. My eyes are sore, and there are so many phosphenes. I also see light objects flashing beyond their contours. My balance feels very weird; I experience some strange "angry" brain reactions anytime I try to pay attention to it, as if it were severely activating. This is a very static experience. When I eat or drink, my body thinks my stomach is about to explode; it's so tense. I also feel dryness and a lump in the throat, leading to instant sharp panic as if I was suffocating. There's an internal load of unidentified pain which makes me feel like I'm collapsing.

I wish I had a way to earn money. The problem is, I have no skills or network. I was wondering if my immediate adverse reaction to sertraline is the main cause, but actually, even these episodes of heat alone indicate that it's a serotonin reaction. I was taking Bupropion for the longest time out of all the meds. It was my idea to try it. However, I think I was using it more like a recreational drug. Maybe it was addictive due to quick dopamine releases. Regardless, the reinstatement suggested by my doctor didn't work, so I assume it couldn't have been done any differently. I was on 100mg of sertraline at some point, but that was by the end of 2020, and it didn't affect me in any other way than causing sexual dysfunctions, which is not the case now. I just wish I could heal from the chemical part. It's so obvious that it's the last remaining puzzle. I already control my mind. There's no conscious panic there, no trauma. However, when I have such symptoms, I know it's a malfunction. No breathing exercises, no relaxation techniques, no breaking down thoughts work then. I can remain positive and react with no anxiety. Yet, it's wasted suffering. I've got no thoughts in these moments because my mind is too busy surviving. I may be heard and understood, but this is something that doesn't even let me realize this. Some chemicals need to play out the right way for me to fully feel it.

My heart palpitations seem to have disappeared, and my pulse remains consistently low, so here's a bit of my heart story. When I was 17, I met a girl who was 14, and we started a long-distance relationship. She cheated on me. She was probably bipolar, but that doesn't matter. I was known as a very strict and intolerant person, a true social 6w5 with 1 and 3 fixes (Cobarde + Ira + Vanidad, as Naranjians would say), which is the most moral character. She often got into trouble - bad company, weed, issues at school, at home. I had more in common with her mom than with her. She didn't want to disappoint me and tried to hide her disobedience to rules. Her friends kept letting me know. Each time, despite my anger, I told her I would be there for her and help her work through it. She couldn't believe it. Each time she said she didn't deserve forgiveness and wondered how it was possible that I had so much patience with her. I told her that's what love is. She kept coming back, promising to be better and then relapsing again. When she cheated, I became bitter. She turned cold and wanted to justify herself. I did my best to let her know that, without any emotions, I didn't pity her. I told her that even someone as magnificent as me was doing nothing but wasting time on her. I added that it was worthless since she didn't love herself, so she would be abandoned by me. She replied that I was the only reason keeping her alive and now that the reason was gone, she would no longer be. I tried to stop her, but it was too late. I had dreams about blood on my hands, her voice asking me in tears why I let her do this. Yet, I feel I'm still more affected by my imaginary limerence than by real action with consequences. Peak acedia. If she's "deleted," I feel the problem never existed. I could just "erase" it. That's how I wanted all my issues to be resolved. The fear of hunger wants to save energy, so an upset should be forgotten, canceled, never happened. That's how I want my recovery to end. Telling myself I was never defeated by psychiatry.

May 14

For some people it's just withdrawal but for some other people it's also a moral recovery @BaccateJugador. Recovery will happen, in time.

May 16

On 5/14/2024 at 6:10 PM, Gonzo said:

For some people it's just withdrawal but for some other people it's also a moral recovery @BaccateJugador. Recovery will happen, in time.

I think I developed akathisia. It feels like a tight headband, and every meal makes me feel like I'm exploding from bloating. The panic is so high that every thought or awareness brings suffering. I thought these were panic attacks, but this is a rather constant state throughout the days. Such an internal load makes me feel completely stuck and like I'm going mad. I don't know whether to grab onto something, scream, or shoot myself because these are the thoughts I'm having. Absolutely nothing calms me down, and I can barely tap into enough sanity to tell myself that the worst part will subside within a while. I was right; there's no mental issue — it’s a neurotransmitter symptom, and from what I’ve gathered, it’s like DP/DR. Once you develop it, it stays recurrently for as long as it wants. Is there any hope? I know about waves, but this is not just a wave. I can feel it staying there day by day, so a window only plays its weaker form. No distraction helps, discussing with other people also fails, and I can't just breathe evenly, letting myself experience it. I'm in an extreme situation, and the "minute by minute" approach has already lasted too long, only morphing into something worse day by day. At this rate, I'll soon struggle to sleep.

May 16

So sorry 😢 know that you have an inner strength that will survive this!! 💪💪👊👊🙏🏻🙏🏻😍😍

May 16

@BaccatePlayer Sorry you are suffering this way, I wish I could help. Seems like there are so many weird and horrible symptoms being shared by so many people here. I hope everybody finds the strength to see this nightmare through. Sending best wishes and hope for relief of suffering soon.😊

May 16

The pain is temporary @BaccatePlayer, but I know that for you now it feels infinite and want relief right now. It will go away. It always do. Specially if you understand it and accept it.

May 16

@BaccatePlayer I’m sorry you have akathisia. As if we didn't have enough symptoms. Have it too and I recognize it. Never experienced that before.
It's hard to describe but it is as you describe it. Feels like inner turmoil/internal load. Explode or as if you want to crawl out of your own skin. Nothing calms you down. Terrible. My dad drove me around in the car a few times.

You feel crazy but it's not a mental issue as you say it comes from the system/brain, sounds likely that it is a neurotransmitter symptom. It's not just a wave. Also wondering if there is any hope and how long it may last.

It's incredibly tough and intense.
A hug to you 💛

May 16

4 hours ago, Kaylaq said:

So sorry 😢 know that you have an inner strength that will survive this!! 💪💪👊👊🙏🏻🙏🏻😍😍

You're right. I can't give up. Pharma will not win! If it attacks me more strongly, then I need to respond even more strongly. Thank you, angel, for reminding me of this!

3 hours ago, Sonia009 said:

@BaccatePlayer Sorry you are suffering this way, I wish I could help. Seems like there are so many weird and horrible symptoms being shared by so many people here. I hope everybody finds the strength to see this nightmare through. Sending best wishes and hope for relief of suffering soon.😊

Thank you so much! I was pushed to such extremes that I completely lost perspective. At least some failsafe works. This will be very difficult, but I'm going to play the "lava on the floor" game with my thoughts again. For every thought related to my misery, I'll quickly replace it with something in front of me. Panic attacks alter our perception; I need to quickly shake myself off of it, or it will get worse and worse. These chemicals would drive me crazy. I was already spending all my time afraid of my symptoms and couldn't even catch myself doing so. Very powerful, but it cannot be so strong as to completely possess me.

May 16

Hey @BaccatePlayer

I'm so sorry that you're feeling this bad! Looking at the timeline of when you stopped AD, It's look like you're in the peak of protracted withdrawal 😕

I'm sure there are better days ahead.

What does your daily routine looks like? Maybe we can help you find small things to help coping with all this.

At least we can try.

May 16

3 hours ago, Gonzo said:

The pain is temporary @BaccatePlayer, but I know that for you now it feels infinite and want relief right now. It will go away. It always do. Specially if you understand it and accept it.

I only had my voice of reason on my side. I knew the source of my problem. I knew I wouldn't die, and I knew that my good mood would be unavailable for some time. It was obvious that whatever I think, my brain would twist it to its most catastrophic version. I accepted that in order to see improvement, it has to happen, and I have to live it through. Pharma will not win. I won't let it harm me anymore. It means so much when you all are here with me. The worst that could happen is to be alone with it. It's another trauma because it surpassed my threshold, but I did my best to quickly move on from that. It wasn't psychosis, but I wouldn't expect panic or activation or this akathisia to be so powerful. "Mind-altering drugs" got a new meaning for me.

2 hours ago, Dahlia50 said:

@BaccatePlayer I’m sorry you have akathisia. As if we didn't have enough symptoms. Have it too and I recognize it. Never experienced that before.
It's hard to describe but it is as you describe it. Feels like inner turmoil/internal load. Explode or as if you want to crawl out of your own skin. Nothing calms you down. Terrible. My dad drove me around in the car a few times.

You feel crazy but it's not a mental issue as you say it comes from the system/brain, sounds likely that it is a neurotransmitter symptom. It's not just a wave. Also wondering if there is any hope and how long it may last.

It's incredibly tough and intense.
A hug to you 💛

Thank you so much; we've got to hold on to any hope we have. I was in the car when this happened. I texted my friend, and I know my parents wouldn't even know I was having a panic attack, though I was ready to get out of the car and start panicking physically. I have been in this "slowdown" for three days now. Even evenings aren't free from that. Such tense head and stomach. I could barely fall asleep. It's such a strong panic when I can't think of anything without it hurting me and tightening the trap around my nerves. I got into a pattern of having 2-3 unbearable days, only for another 2-3 days to be as, if not more, unbearable, just with a different set of symptoms. My limbic mind was so scared; it was literally saying, "This is not funny anymore! Stop this, please! I can't anymore; this is serious, this is my life. I beg you, stop this!" and I couldn't do anything.

May 16

You're definitely not alone. Support will make you heal. In fact, it's the most important thing, side by side with time and patience. Your pain is being seen.

May 16

25 minutes ago, BaccatePlayer said:

it was literally saying, "This is not funny anymore! Stop this, please! I can't anymore; this is serious, this is my life. I beg you, stop this!" and I couldn't do anything.

@BaccatePlayer I know, exactly like that. Intense and powerful and you don't understand where it comes from. Stop this. Take away the pain, please 🙏

May 16

1 hour ago, Tweed9674 said:

Hey @BaccatePlayer

I'm so sorry that you're feeling this bad! Looking at the timeline of when you stopped AD, It's look like you're in the peak of protracted withdrawal 😕

I'm sure there are better days ahead.

What does your daily routine looks like? Maybe we can help you find small things to help coping with all this.

At least we can try.

Hi! I appreciate your support. The onset was exactly 5 months ago, and there's a lot of mess happening in my CNS. It's likely an immediate adverse reaction to sertraline, maybe a bupropion withdrawal, then kindling on reinstatement, and overall too many abrupt changes that my psychiatrist just kept trying with no clear plan for me. At this point, I don't even know, but these last 5 weeks really feel like everything started all over again. I came across this thread, and it seems to align with the time things started getting significantly worse (from the end of the fourth month to the start of the sixth), so maybe I just need some more time. I was hit with the most severe symptoms right away, but they kept morphing, and each time one major and one minor symptom went away (DP/DR with heart palpitations), another one stepped in to replace it (akathisia with a lump in the throat), and I couldn't adjust until I learned from the experience.

- 7:00 - Take 25mg of levothyroxine.

- 9:30 - Wake up and check phone (sometimes shopping).

- 10:30 - Have a mug of milk.

- 11:00 - Sometimes go to church.

- 12:00 - Have dinner and an apple.

- 13:00 - Walk in the garden while praying.

- 15:00 - Listen to the Jacobson/Schultz relaxation podcast.

- 16:00 - Have supper.

- 17:30 - Take a bath (sometimes shave).

- 18:00 - Watch sports on TV.

- 22:00 - Go to sleep.

24 minutes ago, Gonzo said:

You're definitely not alone. Support will make you heal. In fact, it's the most important thing, side by side with time and patience. Your pain is being seen.

Yes, acceptance and good practices of self-care, having supportive people around, and allowing the system to take its time to repair are the keys to success. My future self needs me to be strong now.

May 17

16 hours ago, Dahlia50 said:

@BaccatePlayer I know, exactly like that. Intense and powerful and you don't understand where it comes from. Stop this. Take away the pain, please 🙏

It looks like I'm really in post-acute withdrawal syndrome. I delved into what @Tweed9674 was saying, and honestly, it really fits. It's no coincidence that I literally feel like I was suddenly plunged back to re-experience my beginnings. I started reporting it getting worse and worse with a lack of windows since April 13, which is even a very similar time to when he experienced his protracted withdrawal - 3 months and 3 weeks. Maybe a few days later in my case, but I am sure I'm in this state. It's not a wave; it's really too long, too severe, and too similar to what I've been through at the start to mistake it for neuroemotions messing with my judgment. Because I'm clueless about what this means for me, sorry for bothering again, but I have to ask @KenA, what is the prognosis if this is the case? I thought I just had an immediate adverse reaction, but maybe this is actually withdrawal (or both). However, since my reinstatement resulted in kindling after a few days, I need advice here. Assuming December 16 to April 12 was acute withdrawal or an immediate adverse reaction for me and from April 13 onwards, my symptoms keep getting worse with no windows and clearly looking like PAWS, what are the prospects for me? Will it now gradually improve for at least 6 more months with no more worsening (outside of waves obviously) once it goes past the peak stage? Sorry, but I was rather focused on what Altostrata wrote about immediate adverse reactions (more linear improvement, generally shorter recovery time), and I'd like to know what if it's actually withdrawal (likely combined with adverse reactions), assuming obviously nobody can tell when it'll all end because that's understandable regardless.

May 17

I could be wrong... Maybe it is a withdrawal wave, maybe it's from the adverse reaction.

I am confident that it's a wave. A big and a scary one for sure. Waves can be quite crippling.

The thing about the waves and windows pattern is that it is unpredictable. But it does get gradually better.

Now about your routine, you seem have a good self care routine. That's great!

I wonder if a light walk in the evening could help. I know it does help me to take a second walk but everyone is different.

It's harder for the mind to get in a panic state when we are walking.

I know it's easier said then done but.... continue taking good care of yourself and don't let this take you down.

May 18

On 5/17/2024 at 6:33 AM, BaccatePlayer said:

looks like I'm really in post-acute withdrawal syndrome

Hey @BaccatePlayer So nice to see all the help you have given to many on here. Glad you stepped up to mentor as well. But right now you need to care for yourself kindly and compassionately. ♥️

I would have to agree that you are dealing with WD from the bupropion. It seems the worst of WD comes after 3 months up to 9 months. For myself my cold turkey peaked at 3 months. My initial symptoms were getting better and then out of nowhere SI, dp/dr, etc.

Probably at the time of the accidental sertaline and then the too high dose of bupropion, your CNS no doubt felt overwhelmed.

On 5/17/2024 at 6:33 AM, BaccatePlayer said:

Assuming December 16 to April 12 was acute withdrawal or an immediate adverse reaction for me and from April 13 onwards, my symptoms keep getting worse with no windows and clearly looking like PAWS, what are the prospects for me? Will it now gradually improve for at least 6 more months with no more worsening (outside of waves obviously) once it goes past the peak stage?

Since you are 5 months out there is a slim chance of reinstatement working. It would have to be a very small dose. (0.05 mg-1 mg) That is one option.

You seem to be at the peak severity resulting from the cold turkey. How long that severity lasts is unknown. The body is struggling to realign. When it makes an adjustment, it messes up other areas that then need to adjust. The process keeps repeating resulting in symptoms. Symptoms mean healing even though they are horrible.

Moving forward what you can do is establish what works for you to manage the symptoms. Hot/cold showers, warm baths, weighted blanket, walking, magnesium, protein, distractions like reading or music, painting, praying. What have you found works so far? Acceptance, kindness and self love is so valuable.

You are valuable and I am so happy you are determined to win. Your positivity is inspiring. ♥️🙏💯

May 18

Hi @BaccatePlayer- I've been super sick, but wanted to just pop in and say that I'm sorry you've been struggling so much. These downward spirals can be so discouraging, but reading through your posts, you seem motivated to learn and to do what you need to do to get through it. I have a great deal of confidence that you will heal, and you'll come out of this with even greater self compassion and understanding than you already have. Hang in there- we're all here for you whenever you need to talk it out! ❤️

May 18

On 5/17/2024 at 5:03 PM, Tweed9674 said:

I could be wrong... Maybe it is a withdrawal wave, maybe it's from the adverse reaction.

I am confident that it's a wave. A big and a scary one for sure. Waves can be quite crippling.

The thing about the waves and windows pattern is that it is unpredictable. But it does get gradually better.

Now about your routine, you seem have a good self care routine. That's great!

I wonder if a light walk in the evening could help. I know it does help me to take a second walk but everyone is different.

It's harder for the mind to get in a panic state when we are walking.

I know it's easier said then done but.... continue taking good care of yourself and don't let this take you down.

I'll definitely consider this to be a wave. Imagine how upsetting it would be if it were a window. Thank you so much! I actually spend most of the day walking. It's simply too clear that sitting makes me feel worse now, and although I've had a panic attack a few times while standing/walking, I've also had one while sitting.

2 hours ago, LostInCanada said:

Hey @BaccatePlayer So nice to see all the help you have given to many on here. Glad you stepped up to mentor as well. But right now you need to care for yourself kindly and compassionately. ♥️

I would have to agree that you are dealing with WD from the bupropion. It seems the worst of WD comes after 3 months up to 9 months. For myself my cold turkey peaked at 3 months. My initial symptoms were getting better and then out of nowhere SI, dp/dr, etc.

Probably at the time of the accidental sertaline and then the too high dose of bupropion, your CNS no doubt felt overwhelmed.

Hi! I'm pleased you visited my thread and left a lot of kindness here. It's reassuring to know that my current situation is normal. So, essentially, all I need to realize is that I'm in the most severe phase now, and once my system deals with it, things should gradually improve? That would be quite good news because if I'm managing it now, it means it can only get better.

May 18

17 minutes ago, BaccatePlayer said:

So, essentially, all I need to realize is that I'm in the most severe phase now, and once my system deals with it, things should gradually improve?

It seems that way though waves can seem to throw more symptoms in the mix once in awhile. Fortunately our bodies are working in one direction and that is toward healing even if it seems we aren't.

May 18

23 minutes ago, BaccatePlayer said:

I'll definitely consider this to be a wave. Imagine how upsetting it would be if it were a window. Thank you so much! I actually spend most of the day walking. It's simply too clear that sitting makes me feel worse now, and although I've had a panic attack a few times while standing/walking, I've also had one while sitting.

Sorry that I cannot be of more help. On the plus side, I think you are already in a good position to face this ❤️

May 18

2 hours ago, LostInCanada said:

Since you are 5 months out there is a slim chance of reinstatement working. It would have to be a very small dose. (0.05 mg-1 mg) That is one option.

You seem to be at the peak severity resulting from the cold turkey. How long that severity lasts is unknown. The body is struggling to realign. When it makes an adjustment, it messes up other areas that then need to adjust. The process keeps repeating resulting in symptoms. Symptoms mean healing even though they are horrible.

Moving forward what you can do is establish what works for you to manage the symptoms. Hot/cold showers, warm baths, weighted blanket, walking, magnesium, protein, distractions like reading or music, painting, praying. What have you found works so far? Acceptance, kindness and self love is so valuable.

You are valuable and I am so happy you are determined to win. Your positivity is inspiring. ♥️🙏💯

I'm afraid this may not work well. You see, the timeline I'm using here pertains to the onset of an immediate adverse reaction to sertraline, which occurred hours after an accidental dose, either on 16.12.2023 or from the time of being completely drug-free, which is 21.12.2023. The time of my first wave was actually on 18.07.2023, when I was still on bupropion, and ironically, I got better once I stopped taking it immediately after such a wave for a week. Once I reinstated bupropion, I had no issues for a while until my doctor added venlafaxine, which triggered another wave that lasted a few days. I stopped venlafaxine after one dose and just continued with bupropion until 12.12.2023. The next wave only came after taking sertraline, and that's why I started my thread dedicated mostly to this issue, as it grew to unbearable sizes just like the previous waves, but this time I wasn't able to find a solution. I guess after 1 dose, it was "safe" to drop sertraline, venlafaxine, or buspirone (3 doses in this case, but still), but I knew I had been on bupropion for a while. The problem was, the box says it's a modified release, which means I couldn't just cut my 150mg tablets in any way, or it would change how it works. That's why I don't call it cold turkey because, even as of now, I would not be able to get this manufacturer's bupropion in a smaller dose. Maybe there would be a way, but I don't trust myself to do this correctly. I don't want to try anything now because I'm clearly too sensitive, and 5 months is way too long for me to risk losing that progress. Also, what would come later anyway? These tiny percentages of drops and watching how symptoms change, stabilizing reduction by reduction? No way. That wouldn't be worth it. I'd never get myself out of this that way. The whole idea of playing with liquids and calculating things is already frightening. I'm way too error-prone for that. I admit, I wouldn't mind taking bupropion in general, but I was sure I would never mess with meds 1.5 months in. I appreciate the incredible politeness. Currently, most strategies don't work, but I'll get through it day by day. I'm already 1 month and almost 1 week into this new horror phase, so I should start getting better soon.

2 hours ago, Catwoman73 said:

Hi @BaccatePlayer- I've been super sick, but wanted to just pop in and say that I'm sorry you've been struggling so much. These downward spirals can be so discouraging, but reading through your posts, you seem motivated to learn and to do what you need to do to get through it. I have a great deal of confidence that you will heal, and you'll come out of this with even greater self compassion and understanding than you already have. Hang in there- we're all here for you whenever you need to talk it out! ❤️

Hi again! I'm so sorry to hear you weren't feeling well. I've been following your thread and, honestly, I felt literally "sick" today too. It was unbearably hot inside, I had a sore throat, and I felt like I couldn't make it. Still, I managed to go shopping with my family in the morning when I was completely fogged and close to having a panic attack, and then a few hours later, when I was feeling this heat and sickness, I still went with my sister to buy her a dress. Yesterday was unbearable too, but I got myself a haircut so my mom would stop pressing me. The timing is bad because I will have a very long and stimulating trip on 26.05, but I have no choice. I hope I'll be able to survive going to church tomorrow. Your positivity is also appreciated; I'm so glad we can motivate each other here!

May 18

8 minutes ago, BaccatePlayer said:

I don't want to try anything now because I'm clearly too sensitive, and 5 months is way too long for me to risk losing that progress. Also, what would come later anyway?

I agree. Just wanted you to understand the options. You have come this far and you know what you are dealing with.

9 minutes ago, BaccatePlayer said:

I'll get through it day by day.

Sometimes minute by minute but closer to healing. 💯

May 18

17 minutes ago, LostInCanada said:

It seems that way though waves can seem to throw more symptoms in the mix once in awhile. Fortunately our bodies are working in one direction and that is toward healing even if it seems we aren't.

Yes, most are recycled; there aren't many new ones, though akathisia in this particular form probably wasn't prominent for a while. All this is a result of too much activation. It can't go on for too long because I already make a good effort to decrease panic. I went through the last weeks with full acceptance. It seems like wave after wave, but yesterday and today, I would definitely take over the two previous days. I start getting better around evening again, meaning that I was right when during the peak attack today I knew this won't fool me and will drastically change within like half an hour. Thanks for supporting my hope even more! I'm sure now that I'm making it easiest for my system to the best of my capabilities.

13 minutes ago, Tweed9674 said:

Sorry that I cannot be of more help. On the plus side, I think you are already in a good position to face this ❤️

No need to apologize. The only ones to blame are the pharmaceutical industry and psychiatry. You've been a valuable help because your case prompted me to do research and gain more insights. I've seen the light. I know it's normal and expected now. After all, what has to happen during recovery will happen regardless. We're always left alone to deal with it, but the compassion of those who know what it's like is priceless. Thank you!

May 18

4 minutes ago, LostInCanada said:

I agree. Just wanted you to understand the options. You have come this far and you know what you are dealing with.

I see. Sometimes, I think I have the answers, and I'd probably guide myself well if I read my own posts without knowing they're about my own case. I tell myself that what I've been through doesn't go to waste. Feeling like starting all over was disappointing, but now I know I can't give up being this close. I quickly recreated the correct narrative after panic attacks. I know this won't kill me, I know it will get better, and I know which thoughts to trust.

4 minutes ago, LostInCanada said:

Sometimes minute by minute but closer to healing. 💯

Yes, two days ago, it was definitely minute by minute, but I know my future self needs me to be strong now because it'll be worth it.

May 19

Hi BaccatePlayer (I don’t even know how to highlight your name yet).

I have just been reading your thread and would just like to add my support. Some of the things you have written on others threads (such as Dahlia) I have found incredibly useful and very well intuitive for someone so young. I’m sorry you’re suffering now. I have experienced Akathesia in the past so know how awful it is. I’m just beginning my journey of quitting (again) and am absolutely terrified so am following a few posts to see how people are dealing with the worst of their symptoms, and I will try to formulate a plan from that. Once again, thank you and wishing you windows asap. X

May 19

@BaccatePlayer @Fluoxyoyo

I got akathisia after stopping sertraline and tapering off too quickly.
Do you know more about what it is? Talked to a doctor yesterday who said something about signaling in the brainstem. It feels like extreme inner agitation/pain. But also feels like some signaling neurotransmitters.

Fluoxyoyo, did you have it for a long time, did it end?

May 19

4 hours ago, Fluoxyoyo said:

Hi BaccatePlayer (I don’t even know how to highlight your name yet).

I have just been reading your thread and would just like to add my support. Some of the things you have written on others threads (such as Dahlia) I have found incredibly useful and very well intuitive for someone so young. I’m sorry you’re suffering now. I have experienced Akathesia in the past so know how awful it is. I’m just beginning my journey of quitting (again) and am absolutely terrified so am following a few posts to see how people are dealing with the worst of their symptoms, and I will try to formulate a plan from that. Once again, thank you and wishing you windows asap. X

Hello! Glad you reached out. If you want to tag someone, just use "@" and type the desired username. Don't worry though, whatever is posted on my thread, I'll be notified about it regardless. Thank you so much! I try to strengthen the habits of being absolutely sure where I'm standing. The worst symptoms completely take us away from a sober perspective, so the more elaborated knowledge we have at hand, the more difficult it is to freak out. We can't control it, but the more we are aware of what we're dealing with, what to expect, the more it speaks to our subconscious. I even have dreams when I'm feeling symptoms, and my dream self repeats affirmations. Wish you success too!

7 minutes ago, Dahlia50 said:

@BaccatePlayer

I got akathisia after stopping sertraline and tapering off too quickly.
Does anyone know more about what it is? Talked to a doctor yesterday who said something about signaling in the brainstem. It feels like extreme inner agitation/pain. But also feels like some signaling neurotransmitters from the brain. @Fluoxyoyo Did you have it for a long time, did it end?

From what I've gathered, this seems to be simply the next stage of an agitated, scared state of mind. Anxiety is a level of adrenaline that puts us in a flight or fight response. Too much anxiety creates panic, which narrows down our perspective. Too much panic causes activation, making our reactions much more instantly flammable. Akathisia occurs when these activation levels cross yet another threshold. Yes, it is related to neurotransmitters, as serotonin (which SSRIs like sertraline/Zoloft affect) regulates our pain and panic levels. I started to feel better when I just labeled it as anxiety on steroids. Brain burning and a tensed stomach are classic flight or fight mode (expecting to be attacked, so the body slows down) and when there are floaters, flashes, or tinnitus, it's just increased activity of chemicals in the brain. Nervous coughing, as if ready to vomit, is also anxiety. A lump in the throat, feeling loss of breath, heart palpitations, panicking at some suspicious irregularities when breathing or swallowing - still anxiety. Feeling dizzy or faint also counts. DP/DR is related to anxiety as well. Random pains or needles around the body indicate a lack of serotonin, just like insomnia. I had different symptoms related to akathisia; for a few days, I thought I had persistent gonad arousal, heat outbursts, my ear going on and off (metaphorically, because it's not like we go fully deaf), and vibrations in specific areas. This is fully understandable as an extreme anxiety response. The mental sphere is quite straightforward, too. I feel worse when sitting or lying down, so I have to stand up and walk most of the time - this is probably the most literal form of akathisia in a sense of restlessness. It's like sitting feels like being trapped, and I need to move as if ready to "fight or flight" in the literal sense. I also stopped doing many things. Depression? Maybe not. I think it's because the mind wants to ruminate and fixate on symptoms to find a way to label, define, outsmart, and solve them. This is just panic. The inability to stay distracted because the mind believes you need to focus on danger. The same goes for me initiating and talking with others, laughing. My mind suddenly stops that. Trapped in fear. The world closes to me. My body fights when I sit in the car, wanting everything to stop proceeding. It wants me to go back home. Hyperacusis, reacting with a sharp jump scare at random things like a sudden dog running around and barking. There's also paranoia about hearing, smelling, or seeing what's not there, and attributing worsening to irrational reasons like seemingly poisoned food or insect bites. All these thoughts about not getting better, about it being constant and dangerous - everything is either anxiety or some major shifts happening in the brain and mind, confusing too strong signals as pain or fear. Akathisia pushed me so hard that I thought every single occurrence was painful. Still, I went to the barber, I went shopping a few times, today I went to church and to my grandma's. Each time I was more surprised at how much I can withstand. It's incredible how the mood can change within minutes so drastically and that these thoughts don't have a point of no return. They were still not enough for me to lose my mind or start running around or exhibit abnormal behavior.

May 19

I can totally feel your pain, right now. I've felt like this, and your writing brings it all back. But you're absolutely right- it does pay to sometimes push ourselves outside of what we think we can do. And it's amazing what we can withstand. I always tell myself that I won't regret going for that walk, or going to one of my classes, but I might regret NOT doing it. That motivates me to get moving even when I'm at my worst. I truly believe you are doing amazingly well, @BaccatePlayer! You've got this!

May 19

53 minutes ago, Catwoman73 said:

I can totally feel your pain, right now. I've felt like this, and your writing brings it all back. But you're absolutely right- it does pay to sometimes push ourselves outside of what we think we can do. And it's amazing what we can withstand. I always tell myself that I won't regret going for that walk, or going to one of my classes, but I might regret NOT doing it. That motivates me to get moving even when I'm at my worst. I truly believe you are doing amazingly well, @BaccatePlayer! You've got this!

For some people, this may not work, but for me, it has always been mandatory to do a "return to real life" after a wave and especially after a panic attack. At the beginning of this year, I was incredibly lost with how I was getting worse after each wave, but then I realized I cannot live like that. My mom used to tell me how I'm not fighting at all and just giving up. At some point, I decided I don't want symptoms to dictate my actions, regardless of how severe they are. I call these "lost messages" that neuroemotions just blind us to, but there are some realizations that have to be reactivated. I started vacuum cleaning and kept telling myself that hyperacusis is just a symptom and this noise could never hurt me. I went to shops, I went to church, no matter how bad I felt, and insisted that I'm safe. Each time the symptoms were getting even worse, pushing me to absolute limits, many times I snapped under them, but I knew I'm healthy inside and this cannot harm me. It was a 24/7 job to keep insisting, "I'm not going crazy, I never mistook my parents for anyone else, I never talked nonsense, and my actions are completely sane," or that "This food is not harmful," "Watching TV does not worsen my headaches." This was the only way for me to get out of this artificial mood bubble after a traumatic wave because otherwise, I kept sobbing about it being so scary for the whole window, my window was almost as bad as a wave and before I got better on my own, another wave had already started and I felt I was getting worse and worse. I'm not sick, and just because I have some thoughts doesn't mean they're real. We're getting better with time, but we're also adjusting to our habits. When I wake up with anxiety and ruminate about potential symptoms, I know I spend too much time on that topic. When I wake up and my thoughts are more spontaneous, like playing random music or "That girl in the mall looked gorgeous with red hair. She looks like an INFP 4w3," that's when I know panic does not hold my whole head. Giving up is always an option, so I choose to try anything else first, except drugs, of course. Thank you a lot; I feel I'm forcing my body to create a window for me.

May 20

Wow @BaccatePlayer amazing insight into how your mind is working at the moment. I love….

18 hours ago, BaccatePlayer said:

The worst symptoms completely take us away from a sober perspective.

And…

17 hours ago, BaccatePlayer said:

At some point, I decided I don't want symptoms to dictate my actions, regardless of how severe they are.

It makes sense to me that, during a panic attack (or extreme anxiety or whatever you want to call it), if you ‘feed’ those symptoms by thinking about them too much then it’s only going to prolong the monster. By physically forcing yourself to do what a person thinking rationally would do (eg exercise, talk to people), it may somehow start to short circuit that other spiral.

However, having experienced akathesia before in the past I know I would have done anything to make it go away. I did it by taking Ativan (which of course is not a good idea). I also went back on to my original AD which was Fluoxetine. It took a while to kick in but it got rid of it. Now, I have to get off the Fluoxetine😬. Interestingly though, all the bad stuff happened to me after trying Sertraline. My Dr at the time thought it would kick in quicker than Fluoxetine.

I know you are in a bad place right now but it will most definitely 100% get better. It has to. The medication has messed up our brains’ nerve impulses. Our brain eventually works out that nerve impulses going down a one way street the wrong way is a bad idea and starts to find a new map to follow. It just takes time and we must try to help it on the way as much as possible (ie reminding it when its heading in the wrong direction). We should be kind to our brain it is trying very hard!

x

May 20

@BaccatePlayerHi just wanted you to know that I am thinking about you, I know you have been through a rough patch, I cannot offer any advice other than what's already been said but you have my support and best wishes.😊

May 20

Here for you!! 💪💪 I have been listening to Angie Peacock on YouTube this morning to hear and get hope, …. Also, had a rough couple of days, lots of crying and stomach pain, stuck in a chair, …. The fatalistic neuro emotions are the hardest to get through….

so glad we have each other! 🙏🏻🙏🏻 ☺️☺️☺️💗

May 21

@Fluoxyoyo Yes, by understanding all of this and consistently presenting evidence that it's harmless and temporary, I become less and less reactive when things go really badly. It can already reach inhuman extremes, so the last thing I need is to make it even worse. I was lucky enough to avoid taking anything out of desperation, and it seems like if I survive the current crisis, it won't get any worse than it was. It seems like I've stopped getting worse and worse, my biggest concern is the high level of activation which needs to decrease or else akathisia and panic attacks could still be among potential symptoms during waves. I'm sorry you were hurt by the mental health system too. I may need some time though. Currently, I'm dealing with some weird mood and existential panic that has been unbearable for the past 3 hours. Thank you so much, your situation will improve too, we're just not there yet.

On 5/20/2024 at 11:57 AM, Sonia009 said:

@BaccatePlayerHi just wanted you to know that I am thinking about you, I know you have been through a rough patch, I cannot offer any advice other than what's already been said but you have my support and best wishes.😊

Hello Sonia! I appreciate you remembering me. It's very upsetting when each day brings moments so unbearable that I literally have to keep denying to all my senses that what it feels like isn't permanent and will not exceed my body's limits. I will be out of my home for the entire day on Sunday and have to wake up very early on top of that. Rightfully, I feel like many days have passed with almost no relief. I always despised this month, and now I wish it would just end. I'm so stuck that it feels like I'm developing a very abnormal and weird relationship with my thoughts. Prolonged suffering changes us so much that I feel like I'm habitually coping with normal situations. My hope is that the activation levels have stopped rising (unless a wave strikes) and should only be going down from now on, but this may take a whole month based on how long it was increasing. I suspect June, July, or August could be a time of my recovery, even in pretty unpromising cases, but I understandably expect the nearest days to still be extremely challenging.

19 hours ago, Kaylaq said:

Here for you!! 💪💪 I have been listening to Angie Peacock on YouTube this morning to hear and get hope, …. Also, had a rough couple of days, lots of crying and stomach pain, stuck in a chair, …. The fatalistic neuro emotions are the hardest to get through….

so glad we have each other! 🙏🏻🙏🏻 ☺️☺️☺️💗

Angie is great; I sometimes listen to her as well. Exactly, I'm so glad we have each other. At least that's something in this misery. Crying spells are a sign that your system has a lot of adrenaline ready to be released. Sadly, our fixed panic mode or activation state needs time to exit the fight-or-flight response, so even when we cry, it is ready to go back to where we left it right away. That's why when we wake up (so we were able to be in some rest-and-digest mode) we still go back to where it left us the previous day. The default baseline forces us to settle on very low stress levels to be bearable, so all we can do is to hide under the safest and simplest circumstances for it to get the message that it can relax. I hope the chair is at least comfortable. I'm very sorry you have to deal with this along with your HP issues, but there really is an end to this. The stomach will eventually run out of pain signals, and neuroemotions will pass. It will not take your whole life from you.

May 21

Hi @BaccatePlayer,

I just wanted to stop by your thread and say that I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. You are a true warrior and survivor and WILL get through this eventually.

Sending a big hug your way...

Catina ❤️

BaccatePlayer: Immediate adverse reaction to sertraline

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