BaccatePlayer: Immediate adverse reaction to sertraline

May 21

2 hours ago, Catina7 said:

Hi @BaccatePlayer,

I just wanted to stop by your thread and say that I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. You are a true warrior and survivor and WILL get through this eventually.

Sending a big hug your way...

Catina ❤️

Hello Catina! Thank you! I think I just got over the most terrible 6 hours. It was so intense and lasted so long. I knew I needed to wait until evening because it wouldn't stay like that, but I felt so stuck. Nothing was working. I could pick up anything and it wasn't completely working. At some point, I felt like I just woke up from a very, very deep dissociation or a bad trip. Still, I believe it's just my mind being in shock and confusing my experience at the moment. Maybe it was DP/DR or something (likely DP/DR masking a panic attack), I was sleepy, my eyes felt like they were barely following, and I couldn't shake myself out of it. I was doing everything as usual, but it was mainly just walking and bearing this unlocated suffering. Some people are sensitive to sugar, I think I'm sensitive to having wet dreams because it always makes me feel atrocious for a few days. I hope I'm at least safe for a month from this. I still can barely move my head without that insane pressure. The bad news is that I may feel unbearably bad for the rest of the week, but hopefully not Sunday, because I will really need to be in much better shape then, between 6 to 8. It's hard for me to just bounce back now because being in this state for so many hours made me completely lose perspective. I remember my dad came into my room and found me sitting on the bed, yet somehow telling me "You're not so ill to be lying in bed," and even complaining to my mom about it. Anyways, I appreciate everyone's support. This may be the complete peak of my misery (maybe PAWS or that famous "fourth month wave" proceeding onto my sixth month), but I hope it won't be mauling me for this long and this severely in the following days, especially Sunday.

May 21

9 minutes ago, BaccatePlayer said:

I appreciate everyone's support

❤️❤️❤️

May 21

4 hours ago, BaccatePlayer said:

At some point, I felt like I just woke up from a very, very deep dissociation or a bad trip. Still, I believe it's just my mind being in shock and confusing my experience at the moment. Maybe it was DP/DR or something (likely DP/DR masking a panic attack), I was sleepy, my eyes felt like they were barely following, and I couldn't shake myself out of it. I was doing everything as usual, but it was mainly just walking and bearing this unlocated suffering.

@BaccatePlayer Just wanted to say I recognize most of what describe about what it's like to be in a severe wave. I have some really terrible ones, exhausted.
Hug ❤️

May 22

@BaccatePlayer

I didn’t realise you were really struggling at the moment. I’m so sorry. I just scrolled through some of your posts. I’ve been preoccupied on the home front and a bit of a bad cold . I will come back to this but for now I’m sending warm healing thoughts your way. Activation is so horrid. You are so amazing to be coping like you are.

Hugs 🫂

May 22

Dear @BaccatePlayer, I’m really sorry to read that you’re struggling so much at the moment. It’s hard too when others don’t understand how debilitating and scary withdrawals are. I guess unless someone has gone through it, it’s hard for them to understand. It is awful being gaslighted though, being made to feel like you’re just making it up.

Sending hugs🤗

May 22

@BaccatePlayer Not related to anything, but I see you're from Poland. Well, I'm assuming that. It could be that you simply live there. Anyway, that's where my grandmother's family emigrated from and I think they lived in your part of the country. I so want to visit someday and see where they lived. Sending a hug.

May 23

On 5/21/2024 at 6:26 PM, Catina7 said:

❤️❤️❤️

Yesterday was much better; I still felt shaky, but I could survive that. It started with me going very, very slowly and spending a little time on the phone. Today I had to be more active and spent half an hour on the phone in the morning. Sadly, I was feeling strangely agitated, scared by it, and I was afraid of being trapped in some mania or activation. I knew I should give it more time, but then it changed to neurological issues: pressure in the ears, shaky balance, and when I couldn't focus on what my eyes were following, I realized this is DP/DR in play as well. It was weirdly tormenting me inside, and it was this unbearable suffering from two days ago, but then it changed into crying spells, and now I'm slightly better. I have to go to town tomorrow, and a very long trip is scheduled on Sunday. I'm barely holding myself together. It's odd because I can objectively tell everything should be fine, there are no negative thoughts, I'm just so tired and sick of the 40th consecutive day being this much on the life or death edge. The back of my head hurts, and I have numb toes along with complete appetite loss; I feel so bad after eating or drinking anything. This has to be due to wet dreams, which are sadly normal for me even outside recovery, but why does it get so much worse for the next few days when I'm already barely making it? I feel depleted of serotonin, possibly lots of dopamine, and norepinephrine keeping me in this blunt, stuck mood. I'm probably hyperstimulated, but I can't do anything with my current state. It's just so fixed as if it was scheduled to happen at certain intensity at a given time, no matter where I am, what I'm thinking, and no breathing or reframing helps. I remain hopeful, but I can't believe it's still so severe. Some people have milder reactions to medications than I have to nocturnal emissions. It's always the same feeling; I can recognize it. If it doesn't improve within 3-4 weeks, then this will happen again, and I'll be stuck constantly having this activation regenerated to high levels.

On 5/21/2024 at 10:37 PM, Dahlia50 said:

@BaccatePlayer Just wanted to say I recognize most of what describe about what it's like to be in a severe wave. I have some really terrible ones, exhausted.
Hug ❤️

Hug back. I'm sorry you're going through such waves as well. I was so functional before my ear got clogged, and it kept improving, but now I'm back to counting hours to get to another day, which will also be mostly about counting hours until it ends. For so much time, my mood and my feelings are just so out of sync with what I do or say externally that I feel like I've absolutely mastered my mentality, but the chemical nature of dysregulation just completely wastes that. I was almost free from that, and now it all returned. My CNS is living in its own horrible bubble, and I sometimes feel so bizarre that it's only my voice of reason that keeps me sane. I'm giving myself time until mid-June because everything points to half a year being some major milestone. Neurotransmitter rebuilding takes around 6 months; the acute phase lasted 3 months, so maybe the protracted will ease at another 3, and when they say the first several months can be very intense or that you need to give yourself a solid half a year to stabilize after a dose change, I hope I'm around 3-4 weeks away from drastic improvement at max. At the beginning of my acute phase, I was hanging onto predictions my friends made based on their own cases. They kept trading month to 2 months, 2 months to 3 months, and 3 months to 4 months, but at least I had a goal. Now that I know it can last even up to years, I'm just helpless. It's been too long since I saw any progress, and if my symptoms keep changing, I fear that not only akathisia, hallucinations, and other unbearable symptoms like panic attacks could reappear, but that they will have plenty of time to come and go many times during such months. I don't catastrophize, but I'm just exhausted. So many things can make it yet worse. I couldn't imagine worsening at so many points, yet it kept getting worse. All these weird symptoms I couldn't even treat with benzos because they're not even anxiety-related, more like "brain being so busy with chemicals that it turns off other functions not to explode."

May 23

On 5/22/2024 at 2:26 AM, Jaffa said:

@BaccatePlayer

I didn’t realise you were really struggling at the moment. I’m so sorry. I just scrolled through some of your posts. I’ve been preoccupied on the home front and a bit of a bad cold . I will come back to this but for now I’m sending warm healing thoughts your way. Activation is so horrid. You are so amazing to be coping like you are.

Hugs 🫂

Thank you, Jaffa! Sorry about your cold; this definitely doesn't help with symptoms. I may be going through some late-onset withdrawal or other crisis, but I did nothing wrong or stressful in my recovery, especially recently, and yet I'm so possessed by symptoms that I run on emergency failsafe for the last 40 days. I don't want to be a burden to anyone, so don't worry if you're busy. I'll handle this somehow. I think my coping is at the optimal level, so even if my good habits and practices aren't enough to stop this madness, then I assume I'm in a really terrible place now. Activation is probably to be waited out because I can't do anything now. Just rolling through days with hope for a better future that keeps not coming. My whole body is affected, and I can't even think. The load is so strong that I barely can remind myself that it's not permanent. The challenges keep on coming; the strengths do not. I feel like I'm losing perspective and an idea of what life is due to "managing" all these sensations and states. Hug.

On 5/22/2024 at 4:59 AM, Carmie said:

Dear @BaccatePlayer, I’m really sorry to read that you’re struggling so much at the moment. It’s hard too when others don’t understand how debilitating and scary withdrawals are. I guess unless someone has gone through it, it’s hard for them to understand. It is awful being gaslighted though, being made to feel like you’re just making it up.

Sending hugs🤗

At least I overheard my mom saying she believes I'm fighting inside to at least not stay home all the time. The problem is, I'm just on autopilot, following them and acting normal despite internal misery. I feel trapped in that bubble of limited thoughts, scared of going mad, scared of forgetting what everything should be like. I always wanted to do at least one thing that would be typical for me, just one per day. Even something as little as typing "for ISTP, the most common types are 5w6, 6w5, 8w9, & 9w8" in my notebook. I've got no mood now, like everything became dark and disappeared. My neurotransmitters dried out, and I just walk through the motions with no emotions, and I'm scared of it. Even my body stopped talking and smiling, which hasn't happened so far. Every thought is forced and always linked to recovery. Adverse reactions, cold turkey, kindling, it's too much... I would blame the rain, but I've just been in this for too long, and it's way too severe. The panic doesn't let go. Thanks, and hug back.

May 23

On 5/22/2024 at 8:04 PM, Bailey said:

@BaccatePlayer Not related to anything, but I see you're from Poland. Well, I'm assuming that. It could be that you simply live there. Anyway, that's where my grandmother's family emigrated from and I think they lived in your part of the country. I so want to visit someday and see where they lived. Sending a hug.

Yes, I am Polish and have always lived in Poland. I come from Silesia because of my family's mining background, but we moved to Lesser Poland and built a house on a mountain in 2006. I hope you recover soon and will be able to visit your ancestors' place. Hug back.

May 24

18 hours ago, BaccatePlayer said:

Yesterday was much better; I still felt shaky, but I could survive that. It started with me going very, very slowly and spending a little time on the phone. Today I had to be more active and spent half an hour on the phone in the morning. Sadly, I was feeling strangely agitated, scared by it, and I was afraid of being trapped in some mania or activation. I knew I should give it more time, but then it changed to neurological issues: pressure in the ears, shaky balance, and when I couldn't focus on what my eyes were following, I realized this is DP/DR in play as well. It was weirdly tormenting me inside, and it was this unbearable suffering from two days ago, but then it changed into crying spells, and now I'm slightly better. I have to go to town tomorrow, and a very long trip is scheduled on Sunday. I'm barely holding myself together. It's odd because I can objectively tell everything should be fine, there are no negative thoughts, I'm just so tired and sick of the 40th consecutive day being this much on the life or death edge. The back of my head hurts, and I have numb toes along with complete appetite loss; I feel so bad after eating or drinking anything. This has to be due to wet dreams, which are sadly normal for me even outside recovery, but why does it get so much worse for the next few days when I'm already barely making it? I feel depleted of serotonin, possibly lots of dopamine, and norepinephrine keeping me in this blunt, stuck mood. I'm probably hyperstimulated, but I can't do anything with my current state. It's just so fixed as if it was scheduled to happen at certain intensity at a given time, no matter where I am, what I'm thinking, and no breathing or reframing helps. I remain hopeful, but I can't believe it's still so severe. Some people have milder reactions to medications than I have to nocturnal emissions. It's always the same feeling; I can recognize it. If it doesn't improve within 3-4 weeks, then this will happen again, and I'll be stuck constantly having this activation regenerated to high levels.

Keep hanging on my friend....keep hanging on!

Hugs,

Catina ❤️

May 24

18 hours ago, BaccatePlayer said:

I don't want to be a burden to anyone

Never ever ever a burden . This drug hell is the burden and we are here forever ❤️.

Your symptoms sound very familiar to me. I remember that agony. It’s very intense and the fear of madness makes sense. Your life feels so small and limited to tiny tunnel of survival. Distraction was my only way through it. Puzzles, word searches, colouring in. Water also helped because it created a different sensation. The hell, the pain and lonliness… it’s truly dreadful. You’re not alone ! You’re not alone! Hold on. Sending love ❤️

May 24

We are here for you!!!! 👊🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻💪💪💪 🥰

sending you so much Strength, Courage, resilience, & love to live another day!!

May 24

52 minutes ago, Catina7 said:

Keep hanging on my friend....keep hanging on!

Hugs,

Catina ❤️

Hugs. I struggled to fall asleep, having some really empty, helpless mood. It was very chemical and forced; I completely lost energy externally, and ruminations felt like creating some weird aura. I woke up at night with intense toe pain, but somehow got to the morning. I had to go to town, and these changes inside were very powerful; I almost couldn't recognize the world around me, and I had to find a road on my own because my dad got cataracts and couldn't help me. I almost forgot I could go anywhere because the symptoms made me very catatonic. I was decelerating my breath each time, and despite external clumsiness, I managed to get back home. This characteristic heat inside started, and I felt completely sick. My mom kept asking what's wrong because I looked like I was about to die. I was probably dehydrated for some time because I have an overreactive bladder (not a recovery symptom, but definitely worsened by it), and now I'm walking with this strong nausea and trying to rest. In around 38 hours, I'll be needed 150 km away for around 14 hours, so I hope I'll be in much better shape than now. I avoid stimulation and stress, but this may be difficult because I have to get up early. At least sitting still stopped causing me more stress.

24 minutes ago, Jaffa said:

Never ever ever a burden . This drug hell is the burden and we are here forever ❤️.

Your symptoms sound very familiar to me. I remember that agony. It’s very intense and the fear of madness makes sense. Your life feels so small and limited to tiny tunnel of survival. Distraction was my only way through it. Puzzles, word searches, colouring in. Water also helped because it created a different sensation. The hell, the pain and lonliness… it’s truly dreadful. You’re not alone ! You’re not alone! Hold on. Sending love ❤️

Thanks for the reassurance! I'm glad you can understand. My mom keeps telling me I can't just sit doing nothing and hope that maybe it will get better one day. She's worried that nobody will give me this long leave. To be fair, I'm quite sorry for myself now because honestly, when I was anxious, I only felt the adrenaline and my whole fear was mindset-based. I just discovered that people with an anxiety disorder have all these symptoms I'm having now: DP/DR, loss of balance, brain burning, insomnia, appetite issues, intrusive thoughts, loss of breath, heart palpitations, and others. I never had it. Before the onset of this hell, I never even had a panic attack. All these years on those meds, wondering why nothing works... for nothing. They didn't have a base to work on. If I had gone through what Claire Weekes teaches, I would have no issues with anxiety at all. Now, when it's too late, I have all these weird symptoms and cannot do anything about that. Even meds won't help. My friend told me it's actually admirable that I haven't taken anything. All my issues, if anything, would belong to psychotherapy. I just pray I recover soon.

May 24

5 minutes ago, BaccatePlayer said:

My mom keeps telling me I can't just sit doing nothing and hope that maybe it will get better one day.

What does she suggest you should do instead?

I know this. If you have broken a leg, other people understand that you don't go jogging. However, if you had a nervous breakdown, most people don't understand that you have to rest and wait in order to heal. They want you to get fixed immediately and you have to go to a doctor ... which in case of psychiatry makes things usually worse...

May 24

2 hours ago, Kaylaq said:

We are here for you!!!! 👊🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻💪💪💪 🥰

sending you so much Strength, Courage, resilience, & love to live another day!!

Thank you! I was trapped in such a severe chemical bubble that it completely altered the rules of life for me. It's so upsetting when every thought turns into panic, every food causes stress, and I'm left not knowing when it will go away. An absolutely unrepeatable turmoil of sensations that a healthy organism would never produce. I wish I was already past the most acute phase, but it could very well last until October or longer. I can manage so much, but this month has been way out of control. I know I was much better when I can recall that symptoms being bigger than me was the case, but it was so long ago that my condition has significantly worsened. I hope something is on my side, maybe my age, because if it's a combined doom from such a big cold turkey drop, an immediate adverse reaction, and kindling, then I may be stuck for a very long time and I can't even comfortably say that the worst is behind me...

1 minute ago, Alfred1977 said:

What does she suggest you should do instead?

I know this. If you have broken a leg, other people understand that you don't go jogging. However, if you had a nervous breakdown, most people don't understand that you have to rest and wait in order to heal. They want you to get fixed immediately and you have to go to a doctor ... which in case of psychiatry makes things usually worse...

I think, even despite all my explanations, she still holds the belief that "you either cope with it yourself or have to take meds." I always feel upset because my instant thought is, "If this is taking too long for you, what should I be feeling when it's me who fights for every next day?" I can see how she becomes more supportive later, knowing that scolding me doesn't help, but I already have my own worries about recovery. I don't need my family adding to my doubts, especially in the worst moments. I know they don't want to overload me, but there's an aura of "it's for your own good to fight with it," indicating they really view it as permanent and potentially as a part of my medical diagnosis (schizoaffective). My friend calls this "Polish dark age folk medicine denialism," and I think it fits. I think I already do more than should be expected from someone in my case, but obviously, I am upset about being 25 and sentenced to weeks, maybe months, stuck in such a severe condition. There's no way I'm taking medication soon, but I'm not where I thought I would be after almost half a year.

May 24

4 minutes ago, BaccatePlayer said:

I think, even despite all my explanations, she still holds the belief that "you either cope with it yourself or have to take meds." I always feel upset because my instant thought is, "If this is taking too long for you, what should I be feeling when it's me who fights for every next day?" I can see how she becomes more supportive later, knowing that scolding me doesn't help, but I already have my own worries about recovery. I don't need my family adding to my doubts, especially in the worst moments. I know they don't want to overload me, but there's an aura of "it's for your own good to fight with it," indicating they really view it as permanent and potentially as a part of my medical diagnosis (schizoaffective). My friend calls this "Polish dark age folk medicine denialism," and I think it fits. I think I already do more than should be expected from someone in my case, but obviously, I am upset about being 25 and sentenced to weeks, maybe months, stuck in such a severe condition. There's no way I'm taking medication soon, but I'm not where I thought I would be after almost half a year.

I feel you. When I was in my 20s my parents urged me to go to a psychiatrist where I got the Venla. They also wanted me to get fixed and could not endure simply holding out (which would have solved the problem since I was seriously physically ill at that time without knowing). I had to function and I paid dearly for this. And still today...even though they really try, they have often a hard time understanding when I tell them I need time and they think action is always better than waiting.

If you spend 1 or 2 years in your 20s recovering and healing and thus save yourself from 18years+ of drug dependency plus at least 3 more years tapering (if that's possible), I think it's a good deal.

May 24

19 minutes ago, Alfred1977 said:

If you spend 1 or 2 years in your 20s recovering and healing and thus save yourself from 18years+ of drug dependency plus at least 3 more years tapering (if that's possible), I think it's a good deal.

I couldn't agree more. Try not to let others' expectations affect your need to heal. ❤️

May 24

Yes, it adds to the struggle when there is pressure from family. My family is now also not understanding why I can’t just back in meds…😞

May 24

4 minutes ago, Kaylaq said:

Yes, it adds to the struggle when there is pressure from family. My family is now also not understanding why I can’t just back in meds…😞

🫂

May 24

1 hour ago, Alfred1977 said:

I feel you. When I was in my 20s my parents urged me to go to a psychiatrist where I got the Venla. They also wanted me to get fixed and could not endure simply holding out (which would have solved the problem since I was seriously physically ill at that time without knowing). I had to function and I paid dearly for this. And still today...even though they really try, they have often a hard time understanding when I tell them I need time and they think action is always better than waiting.

If you spend 1 or 2 years in your 20s recovering and healing and thus save yourself from 18years+ of drug dependency plus at least 3 more years tapering (if that's possible), I think it's a good deal.

Totally understandable. I've always been the type of person to think several steps ahead of others. While my peers were experimenting with narcotics, causing car accidents, and dealing with unwanted pregnancies, I was carefully planning my budget, looking for a legal job with secured support from the health system based on taxes, and taking care of my diet by practicing bodybuilding (I was obese for the majority of my childhood and teen years) to avoid mistakes that could easily be prevented. When I visited my cousin in Germany (the only person in my family who shares my age), I felt ostracized. She viewed me as boring, scared of tattoos, and "fun." This made me very lonely and led to isolation, which concerned my parents. After meds failed to "fix" me, I knew deep inside that this was serious and I couldn't gamble with drugging myself further. In the first weeks, or even days, my mom insisted that since it's not getting better, I might as well take the meds and not reject them. But my body was sending a clear signal: overload. I couldn't imagine benzos or anything else repairing me; my doctor just blamed my psyche, and even my friends thought CBD or morphine could be helpful. Luckily, I found SA and suddenly everything I believed was confirmed. I've always lacked inner guidance and followed authorities, but this time I'm glad I didn't give in to the pressure of others and trusted my gut. Sadly, facing an immediate adverse reaction and possibly cold turkey PAWS along with kindling can cause a lot of damage that's hard to heal, and at this point, there's nothing more I can do. At least I'm over 5 months med-free, so once it gets better now, it shouldn't worsen again. People here know that in severe cases, no distraction works and time heals, even if it doesn't seem like it. I admire that you've turned your upset into strength and support people here. It is a virtue of the greatest friends to carry hope for others in your own misery.

47 minutes ago, LostInCanada said:

I couldn't agree more. Try not to let others' expectations affect your need to heal. ❤️

I think I've stopped caring about my family's view on that at a rational level. They're obviously wrong. I tried their solution, experienced kindling, and never again. So many people on SA cannot be deluded at once; I talk to many of them, and their struggles are real. I know all too well the weirdest symptoms and how difficult it is even to link them to anxiety. However, my expectations often get in my way. That's probably understandable, though; we all want to get better. I never really trusted my doctor; she proved herself to be unreliable even outside the treatment sphere. It's still a pity that the majority of us wouldn't be understood, even at hospitals or by most psychiatrists. I just wish to heal, to stop being affected by caffeine, working out, sex, music, and all other innocent things, and then I will know to avoid psychiatrists for the rest of my life.

36 minutes ago, Kaylaq said:

Yes, it adds to the struggle when there is pressure from family. My family is now also not understanding why I can’t just back in meds…😞

I sometimes briefly describe cases when going back on meds didn't help and may have even caused more issues, which really isn't difficult to understand because failed reinstatements and worsening after using benzos ad hoc is something that many people I follow here have mutually struggled with. There really is logic behind it. I ask them, "What do meds even help with? Let's say I'm facing intense phosphenes, tinnitus, and balance issues. Do you see such symptoms among medical usage? No? How about side effects? That's right, you don't fix a scar by cutting out the skin containing it, so why would I take meds again?" and just keep reminding them that many users here are in their 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s and they have jobs, partners, kids, and struggle just as much. My parents are especially fixated on the idea that the only people who have problems are the ones who have no responsibilities and aren't busy enough. Well, good luck telling that to someone who has to take care of, say, 3 kids and is dealing with withdrawal simultaneously. My parents just connect the dots about me, never being "fixed enough", struggling now when I'm drug-free, and being better than now previously when on meds, and juxtaposing my coping strategies (isolation, sleeping long, walking out of activation) with the practices of my schizophrenic aunt who does this for obviously different reasons. The court psychologist and psychiatrist simply copied the label "schizoaffective" from my dumb doctor because they're too lazy to assess me differently when all they had to do was prove I'm disabled enough for SSI. Yet my family distrusts my judgement and I completely understand when others feel this way. You can always count on us though, Kayla.

May 24

4 hours ago, BaccatePlayer said:

I am upset about being 25 and sentenced to weeks, maybe months, stuck in such a severe condition

@BaccatePlayer

This is the withdrawal mind . The fear and worry of not knowing how long this will go on. I relate completely. I felt unable to feel so bad with an unknown timeline and many pressures in my life existing at the same time.
You however are 25 😀. This is truly going to be your great advantage in this. Move your body a little and eat well and rest when you can. I could never rest because my body was so activated. I also had zero support and felt unable to be alone all day in my home with my ruminating mind . The catastrophic thinking made things worse.
You are so young and wise . You will get through this. It could be as close as next month that things start to improve. Hold on💕

May 25

11 hours ago, BaccatePlayer said:

otally understandable. I've always been the type of person to think several steps ahead of others.

That's just the way I was.

I looked forward to seeking spirituality, instead.

It was a dangerous attempt. I lost contact with reality.

I suppose we might actually have a lot in common in our past.

I get a lot of help from Jungian analysis, more than I can ever ask for. Such problems cannot be guided through unless it reaches down to the core of the problem.
So if you don't find this idea too bad, I think it would be great if you try out.

I wish I could read and reply more, perhaps be more helpful, but this is my limit, I guess...

Take care.

May 25

13 hours ago, BaccatePlayer said:

I admire that you've turned your upset into strength and support people here. It is a virtue of the greatest friends to carry hope for others in your own misery.

A lot of people here do the same and I follow their example.

I also think that this is a way to learn and help yourself. This world does not feel all that broken and hopeless if your suffering can also be turned into something good. And to be honest right now I am still struggling to get back to work...

May 26

@Kaylaq @BaccatePlayer @Alfred1977

Totally agree.
If I had just allowed myself to take time for recovery it would have worked itself out in a natural way. Starting SSRIs when younger only pushed me away from myself for years and caused inhumane damage in the long run. No information about the price we would have to pay.

Recognize that parents and family do not understand how difficult this condition really is. It’s tough when others think you’re not doing enough and being lazy when you know yourself that you are fighting extremely hard and want nothing more than to get your life back.

Hug to everyone here 💛

May 26

It is terrible what has happened to us all. There has to be a way out of this. Everyday have to fight for strength to keep going.

Sending hugs 🤗

May 27

On 5/24/2024 at 4:12 AM, BaccatePlayer said:

At least I overheard my mom saying she believes I'm fighting inside to at least not stay home all the time. The problem is, I'm just on autopilot, following them and acting normal despite internal misery. I feel trapped in that bubble of limited thoughts, scared of going mad, scared of forgetting what everything should be like. I always wanted to do at least one thing that would be typical for me, just one per day. Even something as little as typing "for ISTP, the most common types are 5w6, 6w5, 8w9, & 9w8" in my notebook. I've got no mood now, like everything became dark and disappeared. My neurotransmitters dried out, and I just walk through the motions with no emotions, and I'm scared of it. Even my body stopped talking and smiling, which hasn't happened so far. Every thought is forced and always linked to recovery. Adverse reactions, cold turkey, kindling, it's too much... I would blame the rain, but I've just been in this for too long, and it's way too severe. The panic doesn't let go. Thanks, and hug back.

Hi BaccatePlayer,

Yes, this feeling of being on autopilot through withdrawals is so very common, we seem to be just existing many days. Lately I’ve been getting lots of days like that too. Some days when the anhedonia is really bad, you can’t really feel anything. No happiness, no sadness. You just exist. You just are.

It’s sad when you can’t feel pleasure in the things you love. You sound well versed in the Myers Briggs personalities. One day you’ll find joy again in studying more of that. I’m actually an ENFP, a free spirited introverted extrovert. I’m definitely not a fan of being micromanaged. I love creativity and exploring, not administrative stuff😁

I hope that you’re coping as best as you can today💛

May 30

On 5/25/2024 at 1:01 AM, Jaffa said:

@BaccatePlayer

This is the withdrawal mind . The fear and worry of not knowing how long this will go on. I relate completely. I felt unable to feel so bad with an unknown timeline and many pressures in my life existing at the same time.
You however are 25 😀. This is truly going to be your great advantage in this. Move your body a little and eat well and rest when you can. I could never rest because my body was so activated. I also had zero support and felt unable to be alone all day in my home with my ruminating mind . The catastrophic thinking made things worse.
You are so young and wise . You will get through this. It could be as close as next month that things start to improve. Hold on💕

I'm not really sure how to describe my current state. On one hand, I'm young and this is only a mix of an immediate adverse reaction to an SSRI, cold turkey protracted withdrawal from an NDRI, and some anxiolytic kindling. It could have been much worse, but there are no benzodiazepines involved, I only briefly tried antipsychotics in the past, SNRIs were long ago, and I've never smoked, drank alcohol, used narcotics, or even caffeine. I'm probably going to come off levothyroxine too, but this may not be the best time since the endocrine system is also involved in PAWS. Some people have actual tangible symptoms like jaw clenching, tremors, and sexual dysfunctions. It seems like my system managed to keep me in shape and I only suffer internally. I have my appetite back and this terrible rotten-chemical-nausea seems to have stopped plaguing me. I get a full night's rest, but also walk around all day, so that's probably a good sign. There are still symptoms rolling, but I feel like I'm on the other side of the peak hyperbole. You're right, it should become manageable within a month, or two at the maximum. If things get really bad, I just go to my mom and say, "I'm in a seriously bad place now. Please take care of me for as long as needed because my thinking now is of no use, but I promise I won't stay like that for too long." I may not know exactly, but it really shouldn't be too long for me. I already feel past the worst.

On 5/25/2024 at 10:15 AM, KaiLee said:

That's just the way I was.

I looked forward to seeking spirituality, instead.

It was a dangerous attempt. I lost contact with reality.

I suppose we might actually have a lot in common in our past.

I get a lot of help from Jungian analysis, more than I can ever ask for. Such problems cannot be guided through unless it reaches down to the core of the problem.
So if you don't find this idea too bad, I think it would be great if you try out.

I wish I could read and reply more, perhaps be more helpful, but this is my limit, I guess...

Take care.

I'll try it out, though at this point I'm not yet in a phase where I could move on with my life. When I'm left with my thoughts and emotions, I'll be working on my psychological issues. Right now, symptoms sort of do whatever they want with me. I also recognize a lot of familiar themes talking to you. No worries, there's only so much one can do from this position. After all, I know where I stand, and no matter how much support and guidance I receive, some things just have to happen and it takes time. It's kind of frustrating that I went back to just trying to see the hours pass and losing track of most of my interests, but there's hope. I appreciate your contribution.

May 30

On 5/25/2024 at 11:26 AM, Alfred1977 said:

A lot of people here do the same and I follow their example.

I also think that this is a way to learn and help yourself. This world does not feel all that broken and hopeless if your suffering can also be turned into something good. And to be honest right now I am still struggling to get back to work...

I hope you'll be able to get back to work soon. Many people actually stop posting once they get better. I managed to spend 6 hours in the car and another 8 at a first communion party on Sunday. Overheated, confused, feeling trapped and not feeling like myself. I can honestly say my system is overstimulated, and I can't seem to put a brake on it. I still need to go through days on autopilot because anytime I stop and realize that I panic at any thought, it becomes unbearable, like my system is completely fried and freaking out at both being alone and among people, both moving and resting, and both having something to do and having nothing to do. I feel like a lot of days have passed, so hopefully, this will end soon. The internal clenching and weird nausea oddly stopped once I added some more adrenaline to my routine.

On 5/26/2024 at 12:03 PM, Dahlia50 said:

Totally agree.
If I had just allowed myself to take time for recovery it would have worked itself out in a natural way. Starting SSRIs when younger only pushed me away from myself for years and caused inhumane damage in the long run. No information about the price we would have to pay.

Recognize that parents and family do not understand how difficult this condition really is. It’s tough when others think you’re not doing enough and being lazy when you know yourself that you are fighting extremely hard and want nothing more than to get your life back.

Hug to everyone here 💛

Hug. I just had a night of very shallow sleep, constant anxiety, heart racing, restless legs, sweating, and I couldn't get up because I felt so fatigued that everything was confusing me. The back of my head hurts badly, and these nerves are somehow connected to my orientation because disequilibrium presses on me so badly that I never thought this symptom alone could cause so many issues. I feel neurologically fatigued. Basically, walking, looking around, moving my head downwards, upwards, having someone sitting when I'm standing or vice versa, all this feels like my brain does not catch up to it. I try not to think about it because I'd go crazy with all these sensations like I'm flying, like my limbs are too light, and just mindlessly roll with the day until I can go back to sleep. At least I can sleep. Definitely hyperstimulated, but also this is still probably the least bothering set of symptoms of this level of severity, or I'm just in a window with my post-Sunday trip fatigue while the previous days were outright waves. I wish my symptoms were more straightforward and easy to label. It's much more difficult not to freak out when I can barely locate and name my suffering, which doesn't even feel the same (though I admit I never had panic attacks or DP/DR before onset, however, headaches, vertigo, nausea, anxiety, and most mental symptoms feel completely out of my skin compared to how I'd normally feel them), but I already survived so much and it still looks like it's all just recovery from psychiatric poisons.

May 30

On 5/26/2024 at 4:25 PM, mariamisery said:

It is terrible what has happened to us all. There has to be a way out of this. Everyday have to fight for strength to keep going.

Sending hugs 🤗

I guess my mood isn't the worst now because my mind spontaneously thought, "A hug isn't enough for me." It's best not to feed the battle fatigue, because otherwise our heads will be full of memories related to just going through days waiting out. I already talked to my parents and sister, ate dinner, and had milk with my uncle and cousin's wife and son, but somehow I barely even remember what I was saying. How pathetic that my mind just catalogues symptoms the moment it wakes up, and sometimes even at night. I think I'm starting to have some nerve-like pains. One night, I had such unbearable toe pain. Still, something immediately told me it's from recovery from meds. It can't be coincidental because at the end of 2020, when I was working in a stairs factory, this toe got extremely numb from steel shoes, and I don't think it ever got back to normal. Today, I woke up with sharp nerve pain running from my shoulder blades up to my neck and the back of my head. Also not random, because I've struggled with it for almost a decade now (gym injury I believe), so maybe this is what I've been complaining about in February when I was getting these full system pain attacks that I couldn't even locate. I hope I'm like koto and I have these unexplainable symptoms only to be asymptomatic after a singular number of months.

On 5/27/2024 at 4:09 AM, Carmie said:

Hi BaccatePlayer,

Yes, this feeling of being on autopilot through withdrawals is so very common, we seem to be just existing many days. Lately I’ve been getting lots of days like that too. Some days when the anhedonia is really bad, you can’t really feel anything. No happiness, no sadness. You just exist. You just are.

It’s sad when you can’t feel pleasure in the things you love. You sound well versed in the Myers Briggs personalities. One day you’ll find joy again in studying more of that. I’m actually an ENFP, a free spirited introverted extrovert. I’m definitely not a fan of being micromanaged. I love creativity and exploring, not administrative stuff😁

I hope that you’re coping as best as you can today💛

Hello Carmie! Thank you for checking in on me. I'm currently coping by not investigating my condition because my current limbic brain is too fragile to handle it and will absolutely snowball any negative thoughts. I'm taking care of myself because it really feels like my system fixed itself in the only safe position and is ready to set off maximum fire within two seconds should I enter what I call a "hyperawareness" state. I don't think I'm chronically anhedonic; this really only happens during some waves. Before Sunday, my neuroemotions were completely inconsistent. I was randomly stuck with a sad face, even my mom asked if I'm ill, which is rarely visible on me. This emptiness soon turned into teary eyes, except I couldn't cry (like my system couldn't release enough neurotransmitters), and then I was maximally angry for no reason (though I have a resentful personality) and it even morphed into laughing at anything someone said (which my sister got mad at because she thought I was mocking her with uncontrollable laughter after whatever she said), but luckily, after a wave, the confusion went away and I hope it won't get so bad again. I still act normally most of the time, laughing and seeming regular; it's just that I can't externalize what I feel inside. Not that it is needed, but it just feels like I'm disconnected until I forcefully say out loud that I don't feel too well. I could get pleasure from food, music, or sex, but in most cases, it's just not worth it as of now. Using Jennifer Swan's analogy, the first two phases seem to just be about vegetating. Once the third phase starts, early recovery can allow us to see glimpses of hope... it's just so painful that, given the late onset of PAWS, I was already in that third phase only to go back to square one. Still, the more dopamine-noradrenaline symptoms from lately seem a bit less severe than the initial serotonin-based symptoms from the beginning of the year. I always had a hard time with ENFPs; they're also often 7w6, 4w3, or 2w3, which clashes even harder with my autocratic, orderly, communistic mind. Still, I love duality. The most we can learn from is our opposite. I'm going to church now, but luckily, excluding Sunday masses, this should be the only challenge I'd have to face week by week, with only an appointment with a psychiatrist on June 10th being scheduled in the near future.

May 30

Of course, I understand. We don't have any certainty at those points. But I am finally getting out.

When I think about my case, I think meeting a doctor who helps me with both my body and mind, along with meeting a Jungain psychologist whom I can trust wholeheartedly, helped me so much to recover. Because I met them and was able to trust them so much, which in return they also did help me so much, I might have recovered rather faster than other people who was set into similar situation.

That's why I recommended you to meet one... Because I started to meet them both in January, and that was when something really started to change.

In my current understanding, I think it is rather a mixture of both psychological shock and physical disability, which they come to us simultaneously that makes our symptoms so hard to deal with and understand its nature.

I'm sorry. My English is becoming badly broken again... But now I am definitely moving on. I hope you can find something that you can hold onto.

May 30

On 5/21/2024 at 11:16 AM, BaccatePlayer said:

that famous "fourth month wave"

What exactly do mean the famous fourth month wave? I am almost 4 months in and am having a terrible time. Seems like things are getting worse instead of improving...

May 30

1 hour ago, KaiLee said:

Of course, I understand. We don't have any certainty at those points. But I am finally getting out.

When I think about my case, I think meeting a doctor who helps me with both my body and mind, along with meeting a Jungain psychologist whom I can trust wholeheartedly, helped me so much to recover. Because I met them and was able to trust them so much, which in return they also did help me so much, I might have recovered rather faster than other people who was set into similar situation.

That's why I recommended you to meet one... Because I started to meet them both in January, and that was when something really started to change.

In my current understanding, I think it is rather a mixture of both psychological shock and physical disability, which they come to us simultaneously that makes our symptoms so hard to deal with and understand its nature.

I'm sorry. My English is becoming badly broken again... But now I am definitely moving on. I hope you can find something that you can hold onto.

Thank you! Your English is understandable. Part of the reason why I'm especially touched by this recovery is because of the sensations it creates. It's an unrepeatable, disjointed mess. I'm used to feeling anxious, sad, angry, and depressed for days, but what's happening right now, with all the upset in my CNS, is just not something I've ever felt before. Quite honestly, this is my main issue with it. I was much more anxious, lonely, and helpless in the past, but I never felt what I feel now. These sensations are simply broken; they're not even that intense, but they're so unnatural that I can't shake the feeling that I'm broken. I could totally handle much more anxiety and identity crises, but not when I feel some altered states that are obviously nothing but chemical imbalances that my body has never experienced. Mentally, I'm back where I had been, and perhaps this is why I'm frustrated that my internal "air" isn't being felt the way it should be. Maybe it'll catch up at some point because this is not how I experience anxiety in my healthy organism.

8 minutes ago, ShantyO7 said:

What exactly do mean the famous fourth month wave? I am almost 4 months in and am having a terrible time. Seems like things are getting worse instead of improving...

I hope things will get better for you, but many people report having an unusually bad wave around the fourth month. In my case, it's probably more likely late onset of PAWS, which also happens somewhere between 3-12 months. Just remember this is anecdotal, and the whole recovery is a bit too unpredictable to rely on such patterns.

May 31

6 hours ago, BaccatePlayer said:

These sensations are simply broken; they're not even that intense, but they're so unnatural that I can't shake the feeling that I'm broken. I could totally handle much more anxiety and identity crises, but not when I feel some altered states that are obviously nothing but chemical imbalances that my body has never experienced.

Of course I know what you mean. That's exactly how I felt. It was the most bizarre thing one could ever expect to go through.

But as I look back now, there could have been many aspects that might have played parts, and for me, meeting the people I met might have helped me a lot...

But again, I was lucky to meet them when I had enough power, which was early January. I was numbed and was basically a zombie, but I could move around. It was February when I lost any power to make any new plans or do things as I planned.

But because I kept on visiting them, which they assured I will heal (which of course I could not believe. Who could? My whole system was torn apart), I did heal, and now I am more convinced with what they assured me about what was happening inside of me.

Anyways, it is just an idea. And as I've definitely been there, I couldn't know better what kind of hell you're being through. I wish you don't feel any pressure about the way you have to deal with things... Pressures are must to be avoided, I suppose.

Drinking anxiety related teas, watching movies on projector, doing magnesium salt bath also helped me a lot. But I am aware these aren't for everyone, and for everyone's situation.

I just wish I could help... But I also know how helpless it feels when you're in there.

But just think of this - I was there too, in an utter hell; and I survived. And you definitely will.

June 3

How are you doing?

Just came to ask.

June 3

Yeah, how are you doing man.

June 4

On 5/31/2024 at 2:05 AM, KaiLee said:

Of course I know what you mean. That's exactly how I felt. It was the most bizarre thing one could ever expect to go through.

But as I look back now, there could have been many aspects that might have played parts, and for me, meeting the people I met might have helped me a lot...

But again, I was lucky to meet them when I had enough power, which was early January. I was numbed and was basically a zombie, but I could move around. It was February when I lost any power to make any new plans or do things as I planned.

But because I kept on visiting them, which they assured I will heal (which of course I could not believe. Who could? My whole system was torn apart), I did heal, and now I am more convinced with what they assured me about what was happening inside of me.

Anyways, it is just an idea. And as I've definitely been there, I couldn't know better what kind of hell you're being through. I wish you don't feel any pressure about the way you have to deal with things... Pressures are must to be avoided, I suppose.

Drinking anxiety related teas, watching movies on projector, doing magnesium salt bath also helped me a lot. But I am aware these aren't for everyone, and for everyone's situation.

I just wish I could help... But I also know how helpless it feels when you're in there.

But just think of this - I was there too, in an utter hell; and I survived. And you definitely will.

I feel reassured, even during waves. There's less and less of the neurovoice pushing me to think that I won't heal or that there's something else contributing. I knew I would make it regardless of how it feels the whole time; it's just that surviving this whole, long time is something "greater than life." Sadly, I'm in a place where coping cannot support me any more than it already does simply because the symptoms are way too obviously physical, and the mental ones are just so intense that I would not even be able to grasp any idea before it's over, as I usually fail to recognize my perception changing, and this is likely something that I cannot improve. Even if I wake up and tell myself that something has to be wrong right now, I'm still unable to exit these weird, out-of-sync sensations until they let me go on their own. Little tricks don't help with a big neurochemical mess. When a wave starts, I know it's too late. I can only tell myself, "if only I didn't lose those 3 hours of sleep," or "if only I didn't have nocturnal emission that night," or probably most importantly, "if only I was over the most acute phase now." When it breaks loose, no breathing, napping, or any food can save me until I outlive that wave. Still, I appreciate your concerns and feel better because of them. I don't struggle with emotional numbness or overall personal feelings, so at least this I can experience as normal.

5 hours ago, KaiLee said:

How are you doing?

Just came to ask.

Sorry for the late reply, but I was in probably my worst wave or among the top 5 worst waves. I started Friday as usual, and suddenly, I started feeling unbearably bad. I lay in bed, and all my energy just disappeared. I became so zoned out that I couldn't do anything. I kept walking around my room for hours, just waiting for some time to pass. I couldn't even be around my people. Later, I had a panic attack; my heart started racing after eating, and I thought I was dying because of how explosively bloated I got. The strong heat didn't let me fall asleep, but I made it to Saturday, and I could at least talk more. Still, I had to take it minute by minute because I couldn't stand it and had another panic attack in the evening. Things were so serious that I couldn't do anything. Sunday, I had to skip mass for the first time since March, and again, another panic attack in the evening. I felt such intense brain storms that it was worth screaming. I experienced neurological disconnection from the brain, walking felt weird with an akathisia-like flying feeling, and it was all ready to explode with ear pressure, sight interpretation, and brain chain issues. This is when I knew it was still so serious that I couldn't let myself think I could go on long trips, have wet dreams, or think the acute phase of this potentially protracted withdrawal had ended. I took more naps on Sunday, and it started getting better on Monday and today, except it's still unbearable, and I can't do much like this. Sunday evening, I started feeling like my system muted the symptoms, but since they're so severe, this really isn't enough to bring me back to life. I probably need two more days to restore myself, but honestly, I'm just waiting for this most severe phase of PAWS to be over. I totally can't predict that, but maybe if it's similar to my progression from December to April, it needs around 4 more weeks to stabilize. I still haven't had a window, or my windows are so wack that I might as well call them waves.

50 minutes ago, Gonzo said:

Yeah, how are you doing man.

The last two days seem a bit better than the weekend, but I'm still having unbearable times. PGAD has returned, along with panic attacks, mild akathisia, difficulty falling asleep, weird and trapping moods, and my orientation processing is still off. The only thing that seems to be working as usual is my thoughts.

BaccatePlayer: Immediate adverse reaction to sertraline

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