BaccatePlayer: Immediate adverse reaction to sertraline

[Gonzo]

What are your feelings and emotions exactly @BaccatePlayer? During these waves.

[BaccatePlayer]

2 hours ago, Gonzo said:

What are your feelings and emotions exactly @BaccatePlayer? During these waves.

I guess I'm only aware of the most primal ones. I feel like an animal, an organism, unrelated to human spirituality and merely a victim of chemicals. Like an animal, or whoever isn't human yet feels pain. It's a fear, a shocking realization that it can be like this, and nobody can save me from it. A very deterministic panic. I feel alone in this, being unable to even label what's going on. I was so focused on just making it to the next minute that I felt like I was in a video game, where I have to go completely against what I feel and trust the external. Here by "feel," I mean the impending explosion and akathisia sensations. This is the sort of level of severity that makes me unable to think or feel about anything else than relief. My poor CNS is extremely hyperaroused, and I'm back to times when physical symptoms were so severe that I couldn't even see my mentality. I'm walking in some weird, bent pose, constantly squeezing my face muscles because what my head and eyes feel is just my system crying out from being fried to the maximum. I could barely leave bed lately. Everything is blasting from all sides, and before something faded, another burden already presses. I better not introspect for a moment because what my brain currently produces is so bizarre that I don't want to lose contact with reality by ruminating too much. I needed over a week to get over that April 14th attack, so maybe I just need to rest and use some more support from others for the next 1-4 days.

[Gonzo]

I see, can you be more specific? It's fear? Anxiety? Terror? Mostly panic? I can imagine that your body is very tense.

[BaccatePlayer]

3 minutes ago, Gonzo said:

I see, can you be more specific? It's fear? Anxiety? Terror? Mostly panic? I can imagine that your body is very tense.

I think it's a mix of terror and estrangement. Like crossing the line into such helplessness that I'd just grab my head, close my eyes, and start screaming. It's not my usual static fear; it's very fiery. Desperate feelings of being trapped in this state, of having to wait who knows how long, alone, with no way to tap out. I think there has to be a lot of panic because I have been having panic attacks daily lately. The anxiety of "...and what comes out of it if it's so severe now?" is closely related to activation. The free flow of my body (mostly the ends of my limbs) just makes me feel a dreadful lack of grounding.

[Gonzo]

Hmm... I think I understand that. Do you remember other time in your life where you felt kind of like that?

[mariamisery]

You are so strong. Focus on if you can just one positive thing. As Angie Peacock put it there is an endpoint and you will get your life back. You are healing. Right now it is Hope we are holding on to. One day (for me one minute at a time) at a time to get through this difficult process.  I have no doubt that you will be on the other side soon. Sending hope and a hug!

[BaccatePlayer]

48 minutes ago, Gonzo said:

Hmm... I think I understand that. Do you remember other time in your life where you felt kind of lime that?

Let's check my most fearful moments:

- Fear of disappointing my parents after being too afraid to go to a competition at 7 years old

- Accidentally watching "Final Destination" at 9 years old

- Realizing my dad is late to get me from school at 10 years old

- Pre-confirmation meetings at church after developing an overreactive bladder at 15 years old

- Going to school alone at 16 years old

- Driving exams at 18 years old

- Seeing my limerence object with her SO at 19 years old

- Working in a stairs factory at 22 years old

 

To be fair, it's hard to tell, definitely similar feelings I've been having... during this recovery, mainly around the first akathisia wave. I'm going to call this "dopamine anxiety" because it's very "infinite" and exhausting, like metallic on nerves. For most of my life, I had "norepinephrine anxiety," which is more like a state of constant heart bouncing as if in cold water, or "serotonin anxiety," which is like sweating or being shot with some heat, igniting panic. Probably more on the stimulant side now, with bupropion withdrawal kicking in, I think. I think it needs to be less intense for me to even see it as some regular reaction. Currently, it's too intense and mixes with all these "brain screams," which are like loads of pain that's similar to pinching with increasing intensity. The overstimulation is something completely new to me; I was never hyperaroused with dopamine as it feels now. If anything, I was like that under adrenaline, resulting in overthinking or just sharp anxiety, but this is like some excitement burning out inside, and me being afraid of it going so... High? Fast? Loud? Basically, of having too much energy for me to handle. Like a fear of bursting or being trapped in having too much agitation inside.

 

45 minutes ago, mariamisery said:

You are so strong. Focus on if you can just one positive thing. As Angie Peacock put it there is an endpoint and you will get your life back. You are healing. Right now it is Hope we are holding on to. One day (for me one minute at a time) at a time to get through this difficult process.  I have no doubt that you will be on the other side soon. Sending hope and a hug!

Angie Peacock is someone I've probably binge-watched too many times. I also find myself taking things "one minute at a time" quite often. You remind me of a girl whom people jokingly say could be my daughter (even though she's 8 years younger than me) because you combine ethics and wisdom in such a smooth, unique way. Much appreciated!

[Sonia009]

@BaccatePlayer Hi, so sorry you are still going through this horrible phase, I hope you will get past it soon. I think because we have so much time on our hands, being unable to do the things we would normally be doing, we have too much time to think about past events and the uncertainty of any future events. I have been doing this to some extent but I am trying to focus more on here and now lately, it may not sound like much but I've started knitting again, Christmas novelties, and it's helping me take my mind off these type of thoughts. I haven't experienced anything as bad as you describe, I wish I could advise you but I know you are highly intelligent and you give excellent advice to others and I am certain you will get through this because you are strong and look at things rationally. Keep your chin up. Best wishes.😊

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Kaylaq]

I’m so sorry you are suffering so much still…🙏🙏💪💪 🥰🥰

[Bren711]

So sorry you’re going through the barrage of symptoms. I wish I could be more helpful, but I wish you continued healing. I too try to remember what my past anxiety/mental issues were like compared to what they are now. Ultimately I have to tell myself my nervous system is producing a lot of these issues and it’s hard to say what is really me vs what is not. Riding out these waves can be hard, and you never know how the next one manifests. 

8 hours ago, BaccatePlayer said:

, I had "norepinephrine anxiety," which is more like a state of constant heart bouncing as if in cold water

I had this pretty bad when I was on Wellbutrin. When I increased the dose it really got to me (my heart was beating so fast). Definitely sounds norepinephrine related to me.

[Ariel]

Hi @BaccatePlayer

Do you like reading/listening to poetry? 

If so, do you have any favorite poems/poets? 

 

I have found poetry very soothing throughout this experience of chronic illness. 

 

There is a Polish poet whose work I like very much, Adam Zagajewski. 

I have only ever read him in translation. 

Here's a poem of his I have often returned to in recent years. It reminds me of the both-and experience of the healing journey, acknowledging the imperfect (or messed-up) state of things while simultaneously connecting with a sense of gratitude and appreciation for what is. 

 

If you ever find it comforting or helpful to listen to poetry, I recommend this podcast, Poetry Unbound. 

Each episode is centered on one poem. The host, a poet himself, introduces the poem, recites it once, then discusses it, and recites it a second time. 

The episodes average approximately 15 minutes. 

It's been a favorite podcast for me in WD because it's short, the poems are repeated, and I enjoy the host's voice and Irish accent. My mind often has a hard time concentrating and following, and with this podcast, the episodes are so short it's easy to just listen a few times. Mostly I surrender notions of "understanding" or "focusing" and just try to relax and flow with the musicality of language, maybe catching an image here and there. 

 

No pressure to pursue any of the above, I'm just sharing. 

It's highly individual what sort of content/input we tolerate in WD (and when not in WD), and also within that it's ever changing and evolving, too. 

When we find something that works for us, it can be such a blessing.

 

Thinking of you and sending healing vibes <3

Ariel 

[BaccatePlayer]

15 hours ago, Sonia009 said:

@BaccatePlayer Hi, so sorry you are still going through this horrible phase, I hope you will get past it soon. I think because we have so much time on our hands, being unable to do the things we would normally be doing, we have too much time to think about past events and the uncertainty of any future events. I have been doing this to some extent but I am trying to focus more on here and now lately, it may not sound like much but I've started knitting again, Christmas novelties, and it's helping me take my mind off these type of thoughts. I haven't experienced anything as bad as you describe, I wish I could advise you but I know you are highly intelligent and you give excellent advice to others and I am certain you will get through this because you are strong and look at things rationally. Keep your chin up. Best wishes.😊

Hello Sonia! I need to accept that this is the most acute phase of cold turkey withdrawal, and since it started merely on April 13, I find myself in a condition similar to what I experienced around February 7, which was... not only similarly bad but also persisted like that for at least a month more. I remember myself crying here, giving up so many times. The only difference is that back then, I had great hope that certain dates would bring me healing. Right now, I'm tapping out, and I'm all too aware of the fact that it can last much longer than I ever thought. Still, I have proof that it can go from this bad to decent in a month, and probably into an early recovery phase if I give it yet another one. The problem is, this wave has left me bedridden, and it still persists. Now it's too late to do anything. I don't think my parents would be of any help, and I'm unable to even cope.

 

I think I'm melting under that pressure, and even though I could tell myself that surviving this day counts, that whenever I feel bad, it's not me and I should completely distract myself from basing any thoughts on my current state, that even these moments when I completely zone out under something that happens inside my brain mean nothing and will pass, it's simply too intense at this point, and I feel like I'm going more and more crazy. On days like today, I'd really benefit from someone close who knows about withdrawal and just keeps "slapping" me out of my states. Maybe these are some of the most intense neuroemotions I've ever had, or maybe these are just what people call "mental panic attacks," but they completely mess with my perspective. I already have a restored mindset that normally tries to go with my interests. I'm in my regular womanizer personality, laughing and making plans as I used to, yet the symptoms are just so severe that I feel like I'm unable to stand it anymore.

 

Thank you, dear. I think these forced ruminations got me too deep, and I completely lost my perspective. From Friday onwards, I barely feel functional, as if it wasn't bad already, so I'm really just trying to make it to a day that will at least give me some hope. I avoid thinking about this because I know everything inside is so fried that I won't be thinking as I should now. If only I could leave my body and let it play out without me feeling it for some time. But since the symptoms shifted to more mental ones, there's a chance it's coming closer to the end of this wave. I'm not even that broken or despondent, but just so overwhelmed that it needs to stop before I can even look at life.

 

12 hours ago, Kaylaq said:

I’m so sorry you are suffering so much still…🙏🙏💪💪 🥰🥰

I know you hear and see me, Kayla, and I appreciate that. My anxious mind desperately wants to know when this torment, which is beyond my tolerance, will end. I remember dreading the loss of control so intensely during the winter, only for it to return now in such a distressing form. It's truly difficult when even the knowledge that I'm healing, that I'll survive, and that so many people are there for me, does little to help my central nervous system escape these inhuman states of doom.

[BaccatePlayer]

14 hours ago, Bren711 said:

So sorry you’re going through the barrage of symptoms. I wish I could be more helpful, but I wish you continued healing. I too try to remember what my past anxiety/mental issues were like compared to what they are now. Ultimately I have to tell myself my nervous system is producing a lot of these issues and it’s hard to say what is really me vs what is not. Riding out these waves can be hard, and you never know how the next one manifests. I had this pretty bad when I was on Wellbutrin. When I increased the dose it really got to me (my heart was beating so fast). Definitely sounds norepinephrine related to me.

Thank you, homie! I'm having some flashbacks and thoughts about my attitude towards some people at the moment, but this is really not something I can link in any way to my withdrawal experiences now. My friend is practicing some meditations about observing and experiencing thoughts as they come up, but this really should be reserved for healthy people, even though her suggestion comes from a reasonable point. Not only is getting away from these thoughts now potentially saving us from cortisol release, but let's also remember that the CNS has to adapt to what we really feel, think, and do, not the other way around. Dreading another wave and uncertainty about how it will play out is definitely an issue, but then again, why wouldn't it be? I pretty much forget every time I'm being sucked into these panic attack bubbles because of how unreasonable they are. After a while, I'm like, "Why didn't I come up with any affirmation at the moment?" or "Why wasn't I comforted by the fact that I know I won't go insane or die?" because of how artificial and irrational these sensations are. I always call them sensations because they're neither thoughts nor feelings. If I could laugh or talk with sense the whole day, that was my mood, but what happened inside me were not my emotions. It was more like, as my moderator getofflex said, "harmless noise in the background." Because really, that's the whole effect of it. It doesn't even make me angry, sad, or otherwise altered; it's just an out-of-sync echo of sensations that are neither normal nor would be felt the same next time. What we feel are parts of us being repaired. You know why a half-baked cookie tastes weird? Because you rarely have a chance to experience it. The same goes here; we're simply under construction inside, but not yet ourselves. Because my withdrawal is probably now solely/dominantly bupropion, dopamine & noradrenaline are most in play. These probably restore quicker than serotonin, but theory is only so supportive when we feel like this. I hope it won't morph into akathisia, panic attacks, hallucinations, and all these weird sensations anymore. I'd be more composed if I saw it improving, windows coming back, and it not crossing certain lines during waves, but when it's so acute, I'm left in the unknown timeline with the possibility of it still going so severe again. I was on bupropion for months, and I admit, it feels quite addictive, but my drug history isn't that complicated, I think. Just crashed badly, and now I need some time to rest. Hopefully not too long. I hate repeating "hopefully" because it's always a sign of my desperation pushing some wishful thinking outside as if it were to work. 

 

6 hours ago, Ariel said:

Hi @BaccatePlayer

Do you like reading/listening to poetry? 

If so, do you have any favorite poems/poets? 

 

I have found poetry very soothing throughout this experience of chronic illness. 

 

There is a Polish poet whose work I like very much, Adam Zagajewski. 

I have only ever read him in translation. 

Here's a poem of his I have often returned to in recent years. It reminds me of the both-and experience of the healing journey, acknowledging the imperfect (or messed-up) state of things while simultaneously connecting with a sense of gratitude and appreciation for what is. 

 

If you ever find it comforting or helpful to listen to poetry, I recommend this podcast, Poetry Unbound. 

Each episode is centered on one poem. The host, a poet himself, introduces the poem, recites it once, then discusses it, and recites it a second time. 

The episodes average approximately 15 minutes. 

It's been a favorite podcast for me in WD because it's short, the poems are repeated, and I enjoy the host's voice and Irish accent. My mind often has a hard time concentrating and following, and with this podcast, the episodes are so short it's easy to just listen a few times. Mostly I surrender notions of "understanding" or "focusing" and just try to relax and flow with the musicality of language, maybe catching an image here and there. 

 

No pressure to pursue any of the above, I'm just sharing. 

It's highly individual what sort of content/input we tolerate in WD (and when not in WD), and also within that it's ever changing and evolving, too. 

When we find something that works for us, it can be such a blessing.

 

Thinking of you and sending healing vibes ❤️

Ariel 

Hello Ariel! In the past, I used to write poetry, primarily as a means of expressing my admiration for certain women. Lately, instead of engaging with books, movies, or games, I've been browsing and cataloging tropes on TVTropes. Nonetheless, I still appreciate the works of others, especially those who are close to me. Currently, I'm more in a state of "this overwhelms me on all fronts and I fail to even notice my thinking is altered" rather than "I feel bad and am experiencing symptoms", but I read this one in Polish. I am a perfectionist, but I know that expecting too much right now won't help. I'm glad you stopped by and shared; you're always welcome here.

[Sonia009]

@BaccatePlayer You've ridden this wave before, yes it's bumpy but you will overcome it just as you did before. I cannot see what you can do other than just ride it, let it take its course and in the meantime just eat, breath and rest, maybe do some lightweight tasks/hobbies to help pass the time but remember, this is only temporary, an inconvenient blip, it's just testing you but you're stronger than anything it can throw at you. You will come through this.😊

[AAOffZ]

@BaccatePlayer I’m riding a wave with you. Hang in there. We will see the other side. 

[Bren711]

2 hours ago, BaccatePlayer said:

You know why a half-baked cookie tastes weird? Because you rarely have a chance to experience it. The same goes here; we're simply under construction inside, but not yet ourselves.

Wow, I haven't thought about it this way but it makes so much sense. This experience is an unnatural state that most of humanity will never experience except for us (unfortunately that number may grow as more and more people take and get off antidepressants). It does really feel like having an "out of order" brain that's currently under needed repairs. All we can do on the outside is eat well and try to get some sunlight, all while our body goes through changes that make us feel and experience things that feel off. Like now that I've been going through this I've experienced so many sensations I didn't even know my nervous system was capable of producing. I think for me it was the initial shock of the adverse reaction, the bodies immune system/hormonal system kicks in to high gear because it doesn't agree with the substance. Over the following months, the body has to adjust and recover. I think now its sort of a  "post-battle fatigue" phase where the body can't repair itself overnight but is making small micro changes that we can't sense day to day, but over time add up and we slowly recover.

[BaccatePlayer]

22 hours ago, Sonia009 said:

@BaccatePlayer You've ridden this wave before, yes it's bumpy but you will overcome it just as you did before. I cannot see what you can do other than just ride it, let it take its course and in the meantime just eat, breath and rest, maybe do some lightweight tasks/hobbies to help pass the time but remember, this is only temporary, an inconvenient blip, it's just testing you but you're stronger than anything it can throw at you. You will come through this.😊

Alright, I think I've mentally improved even though my tension headaches are still horrible, my stomach is also tensed, and what I'll call my "balance headquarters" are still in awful condition, with my sight being oddly interpreted (as if watching slides or being too focused on just the nearest objects) and my limbs feeling like they're falling into limbo. Yesterday, I was under the heavy influence of panic attacks, and it was skewing my perception. Luckily, today I engaged in garden work, and despite my mind making me feel like I need to be lying in bed, I broke through that. What I missed a little is the message that it's all anxiety. I didn't lose it completely, but the symptoms, under certain severity, just simply cannot be outplayed alone. I tried to rest more and isolated myself, which caused me to be alone with my ruminations. This is such a terrible mistake. If alone, either sleep or listen to a podcast, but don't let yourself experience your thoughts and feelings during a wave. They'd bring nothing but more fear and keep us stuck in that helplessness. Our poor CNS doesn't need more stress, there's absolutely no point in risking getting into some very dangerous thoughts. It would be such a pity to lose life only due to believing that false despair created by withdrawal. If anyone is struggling with such a wave, I recommend having someone who will keep taking you out of your head over and over again. Once it's over, you'll see how completely stupid it is to fall into these traps like believing you are afraid of leaving the room or overthinking that what you ate contributed or that your dose timing wasn't perfect. This is all blatant panic trying to rationalize symptoms, but we don't need any changes, we don't need to use supplements, herbs, or vitamins thinking it'll change everything. Just rest, work on panic, and give it time. I wish I had someone who could keep reminding me of this, but instead, I have to be the one doing this for others because they often get lost just like me with that. Thank you, Sonia, for being there for me during this crisis. It's still no good, but I'll try to take better care of myself. Still probably more promising than it could have been, but sadly, I need to be patient, a month or two should bring more improvement. I hope my reproductive system won't make it so difficult for me again, my organism isn't yet ready for such stress.

 

21 hours ago, AAOffZ said:

@BaccatePlayer I’m riding a wave with you. Hang in there. We will see the other side. 

I often think of you because your words really resonate with me. I used to feel like I was well-prepared for a wave until it turned out it was too powerful. It started getting better with enough time, and I could function unchanged during waves, but now that I have developed protracted withdrawal and blasted too much stress on myself, it went back to square one. Waves are traumatizing and unpredictable, but I know they always end. What I hate the most are these completely weird sensations inside that could never be replicated by an unmedicated organism. Especially when they're so powerful, I don't even know how to react. I can't say something hurts because it's not that; I can't say my thoughts are scary because I can think of sports, music, relationships, or anything, and it isn't altered; it's not even my feelings because I could clearly laugh or talk normally as if in a good mood throughout the day. All I can say is, "my CNS is making me suffer now," and this lonely feeling of not being able to stop it or even feel supported is tormenting me. However, people like you are priceless. I appreciate your reaching out so much.

[Dahlia50]

@BaccatePlayer Don't have much energy to write right now. Just wanted to say that I read what you write and recognize so many of your horrible symptoms that you have described lately, I am going through the same. You are really good at putting things into words.
This is the most inhumane cruelest and strangest thing you can go through. I admire everyone here how strong we are. Together.
Hug 🙏💛✨✨

[Gonzo]

Do you feel anger when in these waves @BaccatePlayer?

[BaccatePlayer]

On 6/5/2024 at 10:32 PM, Bren711 said:

Wow, I haven't thought about it this way but it makes so much sense. This experience is an unnatural state that most of humanity will never experience except for us (unfortunately that number may grow as more and more people take and get off antidepressants). It does really feel like having an "out of order" brain that's currently under needed repairs. All we can do on the outside is eat well and try to get some sunlight, all while our body goes through changes that make us feel and experience things that feel off. Like now that I've been going through this I've experienced so many sensations I didn't even know my nervous system was capable of producing. I think for me it was the initial shock of the adverse reaction, the bodies immune system/hormonal system kicks in to high gear because it doesn't agree with the substance. Over the following months, the body has to adjust and recover. I think now its sort of a  "post-battle fatigue" phase where the body can't repair itself overnight but is making small micro changes that we can't sense day to day, but over time add up and we slowly recover.

Yes, there's too much happening at once. I just pray it gets better really soon because the akathisia, the imbalance, those unbearable clenchings of all nerves, pseudo-nauseas, panic attacks, and "screaming" headaches are beyond my tolerance. I don't even feel depressed, sad, or angry, but enduring all these symptoms hour by hour feels like having a CNS that's damaged beyond repair. It's so scary that I even feel as if the whole world is collapsing alongside my senses. I can tell my baseline has worsened. The symptoms take longer to resolve, they appear even during the late night, which is completely new for me, they are way more severe, and my tolerance for stress is even weaker than it was. I'm visiting my doctor after the weekend. I saw one person online criticizing that doctor for being careless in prescribing medications, recently reporting that they suffer from withdrawal syndrome with significant digestive and reproductive system issues many months after. I won't be taking anything from her, but my mom encourages me to tell her how bad it still is. Wishing us so much healing! 

 

15 hours ago, Dahlia50 said:

@BaccatePlayer Don't have much energy to write right now. Just wanted to say that I read what you write and recognize so many of your horrible symptoms that you have described lately. You are really good at putting things into words.
This is the most inhumane cruelest and strangest thing you can go through. I admire everyone here how strong we are. Together.
Hug 🙏💛✨✨

I woke up with an insanely painful sense of balance. I knew this would be the case after sensing it yesterday evening, but I didn't know it would be so severe that I wouldn't be able to cope with it. Then I had another mental panic attack, which is probably one of the most dangerous symptoms because I completely don't know what to do. It takes over so much that I don't know whether I should tell my parents because I visualize myself in total desperation. I feel like it's so unbearable that it will be my baseline from now on (because it may still randomly get worse even if just for some time), and I become fully immobilized. Luckily, it always ends before I decide on something drastic, though the buildup is usually long, gradual, and so destructive that I can't get a hold of it. It's even worse when it happens right after I wake up because I can't even notice that it shouldn't be this severe. I can't write too much either; it's not even a fatigue, but my body is so stuck inside, trying to "hold it all together" that it just doesn't respond to changes of motions. If I'm walking, then it's hard for me to sit down. If I'm lying down, it's hard for me to get up. My pulse got up to 80, and I was scared of any thought. I'm really concerned that it can get even worse. I thought that after my first akathisia wave, it stopped getting worse and now slowly started getting better, but this week has been so unbearable that I'm completely melting in front of my own eyes. My friends are shocked when I tell them I still haven't taken benzos, but honestly, how can I think that any substance could help me now if even normal and innocent events like insomnia or a panic attack destabilize me for a long week? Once it gets worse, I have no option but to watch this torture. There's no rescue once it gets worse; even death won't come to save me from it. Therefore, I really hope we can go through it together. We've already had so many "testing the limits" days; now it needs to get better. It needs to get better, and I don't accept it not doing so. Hug.

 

[BaccatePlayer]

1 hour ago, Gonzo said:

Do you feel anger when in these waves @BaccatePlayer?

No anger, I think. I can't remember having emotions during waves; it's more like constantly feeling "ouch, ouch, ouch..." in my mind, maybe some desperation, but generally it comes down to anxiety. I tend to ask my God for help, saying I forgive everyone, that I've learned my lesson, and basically just being tossed around inside by panic. My external self runs on fail-safe and can even laugh on autopilot if it's in character, but I've concluded the worst moments in these waves are panic attacks. This is when I just don't know why I feel unbearable inside and everything suddenly becomes very ultimate and deterministic. It'd be hard for me to get angry in this state because I'm a 6, and after all, whatever belongs to my self-preservation concerns will be solved with caution. Therefore, I'm scared of negative emotions; getting angry or sad would cause more adrenaline, which will only ignite the panic attack further. I fall into acedia, not doing, not talking, just watching it because I'm afraid of doing/saying the wrong thing. What if they think I'm crazy? What if they give me something I don't want? These sorts of concerns just keep me frozen. I think it's due to my poor diet. I never had panic attacks before onset, so I'm still learning how to manage them. I may be having thoughts like "I'm too proud, I feel better than everyone, and it makes me feel lonely. I see people as empty, who would save me then? How will I feel better knowing they're so simple?" but this is still just fear of going crazy. Nothing surprising, I always knew I'm full of anxiety all day long. The problem is, it was reaching such levels of intensity that I was completely sure I'm locked with this and will be unable to stand it any minute longer.

[Gonzo]

Yeah, I see that. Do you feel alone during these episodes?

[BaccatePlayer]

1 hour ago, Gonzo said:

Yeah, I see that. Do you feel alone during these episodes?

I'm stuck in some anxious tension right now that is completely unbearable. It feels like I'm on the verge of going insane. I keep trying to see if I feel anything, but it always gives me answers based on what's going on around me. I feel exactly as connected, supported, and even reassured as I always do with my family nearby, but this seems to be running "in the background." I could, or probably should, ignore it, but it's way too intense right now. I don't feel nearly as anxious as I feel anxiety is present, somewhere inside.

[Gonzo]

Yeah, I understand that. Would you say it's like feeling unsafe? In danger?

[BaccatePlayer]

5 minutes ago, Gonzo said:

Yeah, I understand that. Would you say it's like feeling unsafe? In danger?

I feel as though I'm being dragged into a different reality, unable to see things for what they truly are, from the perspective of my heart. There's a decent reassurance that this sensation will only last until I fall asleep. The sense of danger is absent because I'm confident that I won't collapse and that I can speak completely reasonably throughout. The feeling of my body dropping from a height feels very intense and real, larger than myself. It's so serious that I can't ignore it. My unease stems from a desperate need for something to do, something to happen, as if waiting for something, and this seems insatiable because, deep down, it's just my mind wanting to skip this moment to feel "positioned" again. After acknowledging it's anxiety and understanding that my system repeats sensations from panic attacks as if "in parts," I realize this trauma needs to "settle in." Perhaps it's not diminishing, but rather my mind is learning to live with it. Each time I've felt anxious in my life, it was more stable and simultaneously more alerting. Now, it's the opposite: very unstable, morphing, and it doesn't signal anything until I start "poking" it mentally.

[Gonzo]

Yeah... So for what you said I feel like you're somehow expected to be "saved" from this mental and emotional state? It feels very distressing, as if being in danger, but you remain hopeful which is good.

[BaccatePlayer]

7 minutes ago, Gonzo said:

Yeah... So for what you said I feel like you're somehow expected to be "saved" from this mental and emotional state? It feels very distressing, as if being in danger, but you remain hopeful which is good.

I think my mind has already abandoned that thought. I always remind myself that there's no danger, no threat to my life, and that following the 'need to react' sends the wrong signal to my brain because there really isn't any call for action. I ask myself, what would even save me? Death? Benzos? Coping? Realizing that there's nothing that could work here makes me a bit resigned to it. There are moments when I would tap out and say I can't do it anymore, but I don't even know how. Telling that to others, like here, still doesn't change the fact that my body needs to go through whatever is required for healing. I'm not losing hope because if I did, I would be utterly stuck in suffering. I wish I knew what to do during panic attacks or moments of unbearable headaches or vertigo. I guess I've been doing the right thing so far: no drastic decisions, rational internal dialogue, and avoiding secondary fear.

 

[Gonzo]

Yeah you did good. I think no one asked this to you before but why did you start taking Sertraline or the other drugs? What was happening back then?

[BaccatePlayer]

17 minutes ago, Gonzo said:

Yeah you did good. I think no one asked this to you before but why did you start taking Sertraline?

The one time in December, I mistakenly took the wrong tablets. In 2020, after telling my mom that I could no longer work at the stairs factory, I had it prescribed by a psychiatrist. Within 10 minutes, the doctor diagnosed me with neurosis and prescribed pregabalin and sertraline. Back then, my dosage was increased to 100mg, which, oddly, didn't cause an adverse reaction at the time. Honestly, all it did was give me sexual dysfunctions (which, luckily, didn't happen this time), and I think both my parents and the doctor were of the mindset that "as long as I'm behaviorally functional, it's good." This is very upsetting to me because humans aren't tools. I know things like money are important, but throughout my life, my parents just kept pushing me through school, driving license, work, and church events beyond my limits. Now, I not only need to be functional when I don't feel like it, but I also don't have any option to tap out. My mood and feelings were never really altered by the meds at any point. I was always so introspective that I knew all along how I felt. I also didn't feel depressed or unhappy, but maybe just shy or phobic. The meds gave me nothing but side effects, even before withdrawal, but I quickly realized that the way they work doesn't address my issues. I always had a strong adherence to authority, but now I know doctors can be terribly wrong, and it's too bad I started questioning them a bit too late.

[Gonzo]

Why couldn't you work? What was happening to you? What were you feeling?

[BaccatePlayer]

22 hours ago, Gonzo said:

Why couldn't you work? What was happening to you? What were you feeling?

I have always been an anxious person, distrustful and cautious. My parents were concerned about my lack of initiative. I was just spending time relaxing, lacking social skills, and not trying to gain any independence. When they asked my uncle to help me find a job, it turned out I was a complete disaster at manual labor. I was slow, sluggish, lacking orientation, and holding things too tightly. I was scared there, constantly texting my parents that I couldn't do it anymore, fearing the criticism of others (mostly men, which is not my natural environment) and not being able to calm down, only worrying about how I would get back home. I never lasted longer than six days at any job. I don't even bother labeling it agoraphobia, catatonia, whatever. I just knew my whole life I wouldn't be the type of person to initiate anything, travel far, or be able to stand much criticism.

[Gonzo]

That's extremely valuable info man. Why do you think you felt/were like that/had those reactions?

[Bren711]

On 6/7/2024 at 6:28 AM, BaccatePlayer said:

It's so scary that I even feel as if the whole world is collapsing alongside my senses. I can tell my baseline has worsened

I totally get you. I definitely feel like my baseline worsened after I got sick (really struggling too). I really do think these are pretty deep troughs/waves that we are healing from right now. Have you had any windows recently? 

Also good luck with the Dr. appointment! Hopefully they will be able to offer some helpful advice/answers.

[Catina7]

Just stopping by to say hello and that I hope you're hanging in there okay today.  ❤️ 

[itsalyssadood]

Leaving some healing love on your page ❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹

[Sonia009]

@BaccatePlayerHi, I just read your reply on my thread and I'm so sorry you are still suffering. I wish I could offer words of comfort but you seem to be going through symptoms like no other. Just want you to know that I think about you and hope you come out of this horrible phase soon. Best wishes.😊🙏