BaccatePlayer: Immediate adverse reaction to sertraline

[BaccatePlayer]

On 7/8/2024 at 5:50 PM, mariamisery said:

@BaccatePlayerThank you as always.  If you and others can get through this than I should be able to do it also. Wanting to feel well is consuming me. Doing my best to not let living this way destroy me! 

I'm really starting to feel like expecting it to better on its own is the reason it doesn't happen. I'm thinking too much about it.

20 hours ago, Warpman said:

Hi, @BaccatePlayer.

 

I had a terrible anxiety attack this morning (2 am), in which I felt a kind of anguish, a fear, accompanied by a strong weight in my shoulders and pressure in my chest, which I had never felt before. I spent the night awake and, despite having had 10 good days at the end of June, this wave hit me hard and I am extremely traumatized. Just thinking about what I went through this morning makes me cry, I don't think I'll ever get better, etc. etc. You are not alone. I leave you an affectionate hug.

Hello! That's understandable, especially if someone never had panic attack before, it can be incredibly unbearable and confusing. I thought I mastered coming out of crisis, but it is too difficult sometimes. Hug.

[Warpman]

39 minutes ago, mariamisery said:

@BaccatePlayer @Dahlia50 @Sonia009 Hi. Today is extremely hard! Have any of you had  days that you felt so bad that you did not think you would make it? How did you handle it?  Hope you all are feeling better.  Sending HOPE!

I can identify with that. Last Sunday I thought I couldn't move on. But they are just waves that will inevitably go away. Have you ever tried taking a cold shower? I guarantee you it feels better than withdrawal symptoms. Tell me if you followed the suggestion and what you thought. Stay strong.

[BaccatePlayer]

37 minutes ago, mariamisery said:

@BaccatePlayer @Dahlia50 @Sonia009 Hi. Today is extremely hard! Have any of you had  days that you felt so bad that you did not think you would make it? How did you handle it?  Hope you all are feeling better.  Sending HOPE!

Hello again! I had so many days like these that I stopped even registering them. I did nothing. Sometimes I just gave up and that was it. Mostly, it turned out to be panic attack, but the main point is that even if you just run to someone saying "help, I can't anymore!", the time will be moving forward and eventually you'll be better. If not healed, then at least "I'll take that from there" level. I had a few better hours, but that's because my mind believed I got over fake danger. Notice that we are living and remain sane regardless of believing in recovery or not.

[Dahlia50]

@mariamisery 

46 minutes ago, mariamisery said:

Today is extremely hard! Have any of you had  days that you felt so bad that you did not think you would make it? How did you handle it? 

I've had so many days like that. Barely remember what I'm doing, I do nothing, just survive. Getting through minutes and hours. You are not alone 💛

[mariamisery]

@Dahlia50 I am coming to realize that's all we can do and that is survive and hope for a better day soon. Sad reality!

[Sonia009]

2 hours ago, mariamisery said:

@BaccatePlayer @Dahlia50 @Sonia009 Hi. Today is extremely hard! Have any of you had  days that you felt so bad that you did not think you would make it? How did you handle it?  Hope you all are feeling better.  Sending HOPE!

Hello Maria, yes I have had those days too, I used to worry about it but I think I've learned to accept these feelings because I survived them then and can do again. It's scary I know but I try not to panic, just accept it, realise your limitations and let it pass. Hope you feel better soon.🙏😊

[BaccatePlayer]

A little update:

 

12.07.2024:

The anxiety is no joke. My sleep was cut in half, but I didn't take my dose and it at least stays where I left it yesterday. Would really use some time off of this, I know even people like Melissa Boutilier have been using propanolol or benzos in critical moments, but everyone says it's better not to, so I just hope it eventually drops down on its own. Trying not to think about it, not to visit forum and engage outside as much as I can, but I'm still barely capable of that. I need to be around my family all the time and also either walking or fidgeting. My system feels like a muscle that was already sore and I kept straining it for the past few days. Now I'm barely hanging, but all this should have peaceful circumstances to heal now. At least it now looks more like an actual anxiety (stomach, throat and head tensing, some burning sensations like whole skin covered in sunburns, agitation, overreactive senses, rumminations) rather than something completely alien.

 

13.07.2024:

I feel much better which is still really far from normal. Head pressure got easier, likely due to lower anxiety and my functioning looks less panicky too. Thing is, my appetite is terrible, I'm like constantly having nerve signals traveling through my stomach and random, unrepeatable sensations appear on this region. Basically imagine some string of nerves surrounding my brain, coming down to my throat and finishing on my stomach. All this is completely new and every next day, it changes to something yet more novel. I'm in town a lot lately, barely eating, but I think some really major process is underway. At night, I'm incredibly sleepy, it's so obvious that it's like a strong sleeping pill was affecting me. I don't know if these are brain sensations, but I feel it like some unrecognized, wierd sensations were constantly happening inside me, or more precisely they replace/add up to my internal feeling of self. Don't get me wrong, these aren't feelings and it's not DP/DR. It's just "I'm not feeling myself", but in a biological and not mental sense. Mentally I feel pretty much recovered. Thoughts and emotions are completely normal. They aren't stronger or more frequent. It's just that my biochemistry is still instable and I feel it 24/7. Currently registering any movement, bubbling or noise in my stomach. Especially intense at night. What helps me to mentally get through it is knowing that's it's just withdrawal. Nothing more than a misfiring nervous system that won't hurt me. I just know that my health is not in danger and that I am definitelly able to carry a day no matter how. Celebrating finishing 3 month of PAWS and within days that will be 7 months in total.

[mariamisery]

@BaccatePlayergood that you are getting better. Symptoms change so much! I am having nervous energy and like you accept that these symptoms can't harm me. What is your secret to being patient while you heal? 

[BaccatePlayer]

2 hours ago, mariamisery said:

@BaccatePlayergood that you are getting better. Symptoms change so much! I am having nervous energy and like you accept that these symptoms can't harm me. What is your secret to being patient while you heal? 

Me, patient? Ask someone who's tapering for years already and is simultaneously aware of not even being halfway through. As for cold turkey withdrawals or adverse reactions, the unofficial average is 1.5 year, so if I was running out of patience now, I'd have to be one of the more lucky ones. Surely I have in mind a few users who would be healed within nearest weeks should I follow their pattern, but I think crucial part of my "secret strength" (although I feel like especially whiny case) is... culture. Nobody would let a 26 years old boy to just lie in bed and complain for months here. I get that my psychiatrist is completely dismissive of my condition and insists I should be more proactive, take meds and attend therapy instead of driving my health anxiety, but it's not like my parents would let me rot at home. Workaholism is extremely normalized in my area and with me being childless, jobless and abandoning college, my forest and fields, the only excuse that will pass is taking care of old/ill parents (assuming 1964 & 1969 are reasonably old), so I still need to spend days similairly to bricklayer/carpenter working on the garage. This will be a terrible fate if I don't recover soon, but I'd have no choice.

 

Another wave of too severe intensity:

 

• feeling like I'm extremely sick (pseudo-fever, wierd coughing, electric-like throat clenching that makes breathing feeling difficult and act like sore throat, feeling like I have runny nose),

 

• probably one of the worst tension headaches I ever had,

 

• stomach in some upset,

 

• huge thirst,

 

• dry hands and some wierd internal heat,

 

• heartburn and reflux,

 

• phosphenes and hearing alterations,

 

• sense of internal overload as if the symptoms were explosive and so loud that whatever I actually do or witness appeared smaller than these CNS fireworks,

 

• random, very real sensations as if climaxing without it actually happening.

 

 

 

At least no mental symptoms (yet), so I'm hoping this may be coming to an end. I already had similair symptoms last weeks, but it's quite evident around mid May (after I got over the akathisia), they sat on my digestive system, reproductive system, heat regulation system and head sensations. Sadly, they still fall under "acute" or "severe".

Edited July 13 by BaccatePlayer

[getofflex]

You will have to discuss your levothyroxine with your doctor.  I'm not a medical professional.  I'm a lay person, and I help people with tapering off of psychiatric drugs based on my own experience.  

 

My best guess is that you have developed a phobia of drugs, and it is the anxiety affecting you, not so much the actual drug.  

Edited July 14 by getofflex

[BaccatePlayer]

1 minute ago, getofflex said:

You will have to discuss your levothyroxine with your doctor.  I'm not a medical professional.  I'm a lay person, and I help people with tapering off of psychiatric drugs based on my own experience.  

 

My best guess is that you have developed a phobia of drugs, and it is the anxiety affecting you, not so much the actual drug.  

My doctor was actually surprised I was still taking it. I stopped it a few days ago and that severely anxious reaction started to slowly go away. Yes, I'm totally aware that it wasn't doing anything to me, but I just couldn't handle that my system linked my panic attack to levothyroxine and that chemically induced phobia was so intense that I was completely not myself for hours and I couldn't stop it from getting worse and worse. On my way to update my signature. Maybe it'd eventually normalize itself, but I'm already in peak of protracted withdrawal and barely hanging even without it. I'm really not in good enough state to handle phobias right now. Looks like this time I'm gonna need more than 3 months to exit the "fighting for any next minute" phase. Again, sorry for freaking out and alerting you so many times.

[Catwoman73]

Hi @BaccatePlayer- just catching up after vacation... so sorry you're struggling so much.  I wish we had a magic wand to fix all this.  But your strength and determination really shines through- I have no doubt you will get to the other side, and good things are waiting for you there.  Sending hugs! ❤️‍🩹

[Sonia009]

@BaccatePlayer Just for you to know been thinking about you and hoping you are feeling a little better.🙏😊

[KaiLee]

Hi, how are you these days?

 

[mariamisery]

@BaccatePlayer.  How are you doing. I hope you are getting better? Miss you here.

[Dahlia50]

@BaccatePlayer ❤️

[Gonzo]

In my experience after the biggest downs come the biggest comebacks and better insights. Hope you come back stronger.

[Celeste1990]

How are you, @BaccatePlayer? I noticed you haven’t been on in a while. I’m a little worried. I hope you’re ok ❤️

[Ariel]

Thinking of you and sending healing vibes <3

[Emonda]

Just touching base, BaccatePlayer. I know it's been a little rough at your end over the past few weeks.

 

We'd love to hear from you.

 

Time & much patience.

 

Emonda

[BaccatePlayer]

On 7/14/2024 at 4:32 PM, Catwoman73 said:

Hi @BaccatePlayer- just catching up after vacation... so sorry you're struggling so much.  I wish we had a magic wand to fix all this.  But your strength and determination really shines through- I have no doubt you will get to the other side, and good things are waiting for you there.  Sending hugs! ❤️‍🩹

Hello! Thanks a lot, though it's possible I crashed again (too much health anxiety?) and I got completely lost. I got discouraged from posting because no matter if I was in fourteenth or twenty-ninth month and reported things getting worse and worse, there would still be nothing that could be done.

 

On 7/17/2024 at 12:57 PM, Sonia009 said:

@BaccatePlayer Just for you to know been thinking about you and hoping you are feeling a little better.🙏😊

This is not really the case. So far the whole eighth month is probably only better than the first and second one. Absolute disaster and I'm not functioning on the basic levels (eating, sleeping), but I do think about you too, angel.

[BaccatePlayer]

On 7/21/2024 at 1:51 PM, KaiLee said:

Hi, how are you these days?

Hi Kai! Just like from months 1 to 4 things were getting progressively better and better, now from 5 to 8 they are getting progressively worse and worse. Scared of symptoms, they barely even resemble any named ones. Panic attacks, DP/DR & food phobias irritating the system so much that there's no break from these alien sensations even for a while.

 

On 7/21/2024 at 3:09 PM, mariamisery said:

@BaccatePlayer.  How are you doing. I hope you are getting better? Miss you here.

Hello darling! Not doing better at all. Every day is a fight for another hour in terror. I would stay in bed in complete darkness and I'd still be overstimulated. In 1.5 weeks I'll be starting ninth month and I could never guess I'd be this severe by now. When symptoms are so complex I can't even name nor locate them, I know things are serious.

[BaccatePlayer]

On 7/21/2024 at 8:08 PM, Dahlia50 said:

@BaccatePlayer ❤️

I hope my angel knows I didn't forget her.

 

On 7/21/2024 at 9:21 PM, Gonzo said:

In my experience after the biggest downs come the biggest comebacks and better insights. Hope you come back stronger.

Then it seems that either the biggest one is yet to come or it still lasts. All I can do is just give space to what I can't control. Thanks buddy!

[mariamisery]

@BaccatePlayer Good to hear from you.  Sorry that things are not better.  I know you already know that eventually your body will find its way to total healing!!! Is it your central nervous system that is causing most of your problems? I too can't believe I am not done. I think it is my CNS  with lots of fatigue and feeling odd.  Sending lots of HOPE and HEALING!!

[BaccatePlayer]

On 7/21/2024 at 11:49 PM, Celeste1990 said:

How are you, @BaccatePlayer? I noticed you haven’t been on in a while. I’m a little worried. I hope you’re ok ❤️

Thanks! That's because I was so bad I couldn't bear the thought of anything withdrawal related for a second. I guess I'm naive to think this was meant to get better by now. When people discuss recovery, they frame being a year or 2 years off with terrible waves as completely casual, so I sort of given up because healing right now wouldn't count as success story for me, let alone if it will go on for much longer. Hope you're better than me.

 

On 7/26/2024 at 11:39 PM, Ariel said:

Thinking of you and sending healing vibes ❤️

I'm just gonna paste what I tell everyone: Three weeks ago I had a panic attack out of nowhere, but it was so unusually severe that I barely found myself there. Since then I feel completely drowning in symptoms. Anxiety feels like the most painful sparks raping me and I even have to scream because of it. Appetite is absolutely dead and I can barely tolerate anything at this point cause my mind creates associations between panic attacks and what I ate beforehand wrongly attributing triggers this way. I'm prone to having several panic attacks daily and they even start when I wake up at night. Everything is disregulated beyond what I already endured: brain burning, feeling incredibly sick, coughing all the time, feeling vomits from tongue to stomach, excess energy yet such fatigue that I barely change positions, very severe DP/DR, cognition flicks every few seconds, overreactive bladder, stomachaches, hearing everything that happens inside my digestive system, painful brain sensations and everything just out of sync (painful "drop" sensations as if falling out of world, losing legs) and it all rushes so intensely that I can't stop being scared by it. Totally unmanageable and I see how my system is stuck in different reality that doesn't even believe real life. I had a sleepless night and it seems like this is enough of a trigger to load me with so much adrenaline that I'm scared to wake up. Takes so little to overdo screen time. I appreciate the thoughts!

[Ariel]

@BaccatePlayer

I'm so sorry you're going through such awful waves, BP. You are very brave!

 

Don't know whether you know about this PAWS survivor in Poland. Have you heard of him?

When I read his story I thought of you. Perhaps he could be a helpful resource/support to you in this process, in one way or another. 

 

I hear you in your suffering and I'm so sorry this happened to you. Hang in there, just keep going, however you can.

I have complete confidence in you, I know you are going to make it through. It does get better.

Remember, when you're going through hell, keep going!! 

 

Holding space and sending healing vibes <3

Ariel

[BaccatePlayer]

On 8/4/2024 at 1:13 PM, Emonda said:

Just touching base, BaccatePlayer. I know it's been a little rough at your end over the past few weeks.

 

We'd love to hear from you.

 

Time & much patience.

 

Emonda

Thank you! I'll try to update my thread more often, I just need to dose my screen time reasonably cause it can easily throw my sleeping upside down and I can't afford it now. Not even due to fatigue, but it really triggers heaps of adrenaline and if I go to the bed feeling that icicles load on heart and testicles, it's pretty much game over when it comes to sleeping that night and atracious wave underway.

 

I don't think it's the case of my friend that stressed me that much, but even around two weeks prior to that I was developing more and more concerns about my recovery. It escalated so much that various food phobias are haunting me now. I ended up only consuming water, meat, eggs, potatoes, rice, pasta and bread because some dishes even without me thinking restore the same panic attacks and I don't feel like detraumatizing myself. I suppose this will fix itself with time? I can live without sugar or mushrooms for some time, but I'm already 62 lbs lighter than before the onset.

 

I reconnected with my Messenger group and I also talk to Neighbour Bob on Signal, but ultimately I can tell my waves are more on the chemical side of CNS instability. My panic attacks, rather than being brief moments of intense fear are more like wild cards that boost waves. I can feel myself being more suspectible for anxiety and feeling unreal and then it gradually escalates until my symptoms bulk up so much I feel completely trapped and my thoughts spiral into some breakdown. After that the echo of it remains for the next day and when I wake up I need to reconnect with everything because my body is startled in every possible way. Sometimes it's not even anxiety, it's like a load of energy that prompts desperation and racing thoughts. Last time my panic attack was based entirely on frustration and impatience. Very hard to recognize at the moment, just like most of my symptoms (unless these are some basic ones like headaches or fatigue), but I'm very afraid it's not even an expected course of healing, but rather a result of me overdoing stress and worries. Breaking this cycle would come in handy, but it doesn't react to natural treatment like companion or podcasts.

 

 

12 minutes ago, mariamisery said:

@BaccatePlayer Good to hear from you.  Sorry that things are not better.  I know you already know that eventually your body will find its way to total healing!!! Is it your central nervous system that is causing most of your problems? I too can't believe I am not done. I think it is my CNS  with lots of fatigue and feeling odd.  Sending lots of HOPE and HEALING!!

I guess there's nothing more capable of doing it. Melissa Boutilier says to drop attributing symptoms to anything else than withdrawal for the first 2 years. Hug.

[BaccatePlayer]

15 minutes ago, Ariel said:

@BaccatePlayer

I'm so sorry you're going through such awful waves, BP. You are very brave!

 

Don't know whether you know about this PAWS survivor in Poland. Have you heard of him?

When I read his story I thought of you. Perhaps he could be a helpful resource/support to you in this process, in one way or another. 

 

I hear you in your suffering and I'm so sorry this happened to you. Hang in there, just keep going, however you can.

I have complete confidence in you, I know you are going to make it through. It does get better.

Remember, when you're going through hell, keep going!! 

 

Holding space and sending healing vibes ❤️

Ariel

Isn't that from the person who recently posted success story here? Yes, he even shares my first name. I struggle financially, so I'm not into the therapy route, but I think I have the basics covered. If it's all about just abstaining from substances and taking care of sleep and stress levels, I'm likely on the right path from the get go. He mentions average recovery time being 3 years based on ~70 reports, that's quite upsetting. I mean, my friend told me average is half of that some time ago and that was already upsetting, but then again nobody knows. Fact is, I couldn't rely on "it will be getting better" so far since my baseline was best 4 months ago and now it's still on the drop. I really like this one on the other hand:

Shows that even withdrawal from beznos, SNRIs, THC, caffeine and weed alongside covid and adverse reactions in the meantime are possible to be healed from. She's also close to my age and describes similair symptoms that follow similair timeline to mine. The only thing is that I'm not going to use clonidine, nor I'm feeling weeks away from recovery. Still, no point in giving up and I appreciate you being there for me too.

 

 

[Emonda]

Good to hear from you BC.

 

When I'm struggling, I just read success stories. They give me some comfort and encouragement that I will emerge out the other side of this process.

 

Time and patience are our friends in this process.

 

Keep us all posted when you are able.

[Sonia009]

9 hours ago, BaccatePlayer said:

Hello! Thanks a lot, though it's possible I crashed again (too much health anxiety?) and I got completely lost. I got discouraged from posting because no matter if I was in fourteenth or twenty-ninth month and reported things getting worse and worse, there would still be nothing that could be done.

 

This is not really the case. So far the whole eighth month is probably only better than the first and second one. Absolute disaster and I'm not functioning on the basic levels (eating, sleeping), but I do think about you too, angel.

@BaccatePlayer It's good to hear from you but sad to hear you are experiencing these awful symptoms. I'm up and down at the moment and haven't posted recently but want you to know that you are thought about often and missed on here for sure. I pray that this suffering will end for you soon.🙏😊

[BaccatePlayer]

7 hours ago, Emonda said:

Good to hear from you BC.

 

When I'm struggling, I just read success stories. They give me some comfort and encouragement that I will emerge out the other side of this process.

 

Time and patience are our friends in this process.

 

Keep us all posted when you are able.

I wish my mind took inspiration from success stories, but all it remembers are descriptions of symptoms one has been facing and the really high numbers of months/years. My rational mind knows well that I will heal and that I wouldn't be able to feel like it's coming at the moment. Angie Peacock and Melissa Boutilier were severe cases and recovered fully, so did users here like mstimc or KenA. I'm taking it month by month because it's really too easy to be mislead by daily fluctuations.

 

Current waves challenge my sense of sanity the most. I can feel how my system is stuck in DP/DR & panic mode. All day long and day by day, I need to learn not to trust it. Always so close to snapping under all these sensations of losing ground and being trapped in dream-like state. When I woke up in the middle of the night, I wasn't fully present and my brain glitched a part of dream into reality. It was scary because I felt like I saw my mom entering my room and I thought I'm saying something out loud, but I didn't. I used to be reassured by the premise of people in withdrawal not being at risk of going insane, but the overwhelming sense of being in some psychotic state is nonetheless unbearable despite all senses and mentality working fine. My cognition is very poor, chronically fatigued, but Melissa Boutilier says it's common when a wave of DP/DR & panic is underway. I've shown my parents some definitions from the forum and they support me, but they're very disappointed that despite their and my best efforts it's still so severe and can last so long. My sister even got specific restriction not to bother me during recovery.

 

Really appreciating everyone here being so kind, this month I really saw how bad it can be without altering my external functioning.

 

5 hours ago, Sonia009 said:

@BaccatePlayer It's good to hear from you but sad to hear you are experiencing these awful symptoms. I'm up and down at the moment and haven't posted recently but want you to know that you are thought about often and missed on here for sure. I pray that this suffering will end for you soon.🙏😊

Thank you Sonia! Hopefully you're close to improvement too. I'm just tired with current situation. There were times when I could always count on my ideas and I was on the right path, physically relaxed, capable of handling myself. Right now I'm jumping from one traumatic event to another and everything just collapsed. I don't know what my symptoms are, I can't predict their length, I can't do anything with them and I never feel safe about the future. Even when I survive a wave, I'm not confident about doing this again. Intensity needs to go down. It's like 2 months of waiting until the next day hoping it will be better only to realize these better days are not coming for so long. I don't know how it is for people who have symptoms one by one, but I not only am stuck in abnormal state for the whole time, but regular movements call for going against the nature. I also can't shake off the feeling that it shouldn't be like that at this point. That I did something wrong. That I'm missing something that's keeping me stuck like this for so long.

[Kaylaq]

So sorry @BaccatePlayer that you are still in such a horrible state!  Sending you courage, strength, and energy to get through each day!  I know for myself it took about a year before I even saw a window.  I still only get about 4hrs of sleep and mornings are tough! I pray for you to get some relief soon!! 🙏🏻🙏🏻💪💪😍😍

[KaiLee]

Sorry to hear that.

Please take care.

I'm getting better a lot.

Hope you get well too.

But it seems you have lot more energy or positivity in you, or is it just my thought?

If it is true, I am truly glad for you.

If not, still it's okay. You'll get better.

All the best wishes.

[BaccatePlayer]

9 hours ago, Kaylaq said:

So sorry @BaccatePlayer that you are still in such a horrible state!  Sending you courage, strength, and energy to get through each day!  I know for myself it took about a year before I even saw a window.  I still only get about 4hrs of sleep and mornings are tough! I pray for you to get some relief soon!! 🙏🏻🙏🏻💪💪😍😍

Thank you angel! I can only show myself care and compassion now. This is similair to bodybuilding: once people cover the basics, there's a point when looking for solution does more harm than good. I do everything right and have to be patient. No point in rumminating if I know I'm safe and it leads to recovery anyways. Baylissa Frederick says the severity of symptoms doesn't indicate the length. I don't think I'm extremely severe case, some people like Melissa Boutilier had the actual body jerking, acute insomnia and akathisia, yet they healed. Jenn Swan mentioned "altered state of consciousness" as a result of being in too much of intense fear and worry about our condition. I try not to sit alone with these thoughts because I won't accelerate anything this way and that's just putting myself at risk of worsening DP/DR and starting another panic attack. These 3 days the vertigo and DP/DR are so powerful that I'm running on absolute failsafe of sanity. I'm really happy you finally got a window. Such sleep is nothing I can relate to, you endure symptoms for almost twice as long as I do everyday, but I'm sure this will also get better for you with time. So grateful we made through that far. Maybe the ninth month will be more promising for me.

 

2 hours ago, KaiLee said:

Sorry to hear that.

Please take care.

I'm getting better a lot.

Hope you get well too.

But it seems you have lot more energy or positivity in you, or is it just my thought?

If it is true, I am truly glad for you.

If not, still it's okay. You'll get better.

All the best wishes.

That's great you're doing well. Sometimes it's hard to even imagine it ever getting better especially since everything often feels unreal on the scale that I never experienced before. There's probably something to it because my feelings and thoughts are not affected too often. I get some moments, especially during panic attacks when everything seems to be shrinking to one racing thought like being frustrated that I can do nothing to speed it up or feeling helpless that I'm trapped in facing it everyday with no way out, but for the most part my mood is unaltered and I externally look very positive. That's how I, more or less used to be prior to drugs, but also I know that we should avoid negativity during recovery. It's very easy for a mind in wave to just hang onto upsetting idea and snowball it into a very serious spiral. Whenever I sense something abnormally emotional escalating in my head, I just tell myself that this is not yet healed and wouldn't produce my real judgements. I came to the conclusion that the whole "treatment" I went through was unneccessary. All I needed to be taught was that sometimes we just have to go through unpleasant sensations and do the normal thing. That would allow me to do most of the activities. Maybe I was just lazy or stubborn. Point is, withdrawal already shows me that my sensations don't dictate the reality. Meds were pointless and therapy I could outdo in terms of usefulness with my own resources. Luckily these panicky and unreal feelings, as much as scary and disturbing are just sequences. Once they're fixed, I'm completely free. It doesn't seem like, but it is really just withdrawal. Thank you my friend!

[Dahlia50]

On 8/5/2024 at 5:54 PM, BaccatePlayer said:

I hope my angel knows I didn't forget her.

Thanks angel. Thought of you.
Understandable to take a break when you can't bear it. I'm hanging in there but suffering on this severe level wears me down.

 

Glad 🌻  you 💛  are here 🙏

 

[BaccatePlayer]

On 8/7/2024 at 10:44 PM, Dahlia50 said:

Thanks angel. Thought of you.
Understandable to take a break when you can't bear it. I'm hanging in there but suffering on this severe level wears me down.

 

Glad 🌻  you 💛  are here 🙏

 

I think it may have been another crash. That panic attack I had exactly once the seventh month ended was abnormally "ultimate". These were sensations of such a deep disconnection and unreality that I felt completely trapped in another dimension. Up until now, the symptoms followed that pattern. This vertigo is so powerful I'd compare it to the noise of motorcycle passing by in terms of intensity. It's absolutely unbearable on the cognitive level, the DP/DR I would dread so badly that nothing matches. I totally lost perspective. My mind doesn't view it as me experiencing symptoms, it really does start to follow this narrative of questioning whether everything around is real. I feel so groundless, it's so evident that up to each of my fingers, these nerves are all completely "loose". Like expecting everything to sway or collapse at any moment. My body is clenched in some "expecting death" state and my actions (standing up, collecting raspberries), it all just goes against it so badly. As if every few seconds I was scaring my mind with something major like undergoing surgery or entering a plane. Brain sensations are totally out of control. Feeling something abnormal and feeling incredibly bad on the whole body. Not even knowing what that is. It's more than me, it's like the whole life changing on my eyes. I wake up, writing this, yet my mind is still stuck in some wierd reality, disbelieving that nothing has changed in life and even my health.

 

Maybe it's from stopping my hormones, but these aren't psychiatric drugs nor they should have that great of an effect. Maybe it's from intense health anxiety I was developing for weeks prior. Point is, this requires some incredible persistence on unbelieveable scale not to freak out every few minutes. I had a wet dream night before and slept only from 4 to 9, now I slept from 11 to 4, so I completed one night of sleep in two days. I have no idea how this will progress. Cold turkey and adverse reactions can be anything for as long as years. If there's some sudden rapid healing turnover, then there's hope... but if it has to improve at such pace, then it's already a horror story because I did not yet started to improve. Looking for small windows, symptoms stabilizing slowly, the worst ones ceasing, this is the reality that would stretch it for years. I didn't want to visit forum because I tend to see phrases like "my sleep has improved in the last 5 months". What sort of statement that even is? What kind of inhuman state does this imply for so long? Can really one pill put me into such condition that I only rely on the fact that my reflection in the mirror and everyone around don't change, so I'm not going crazy? I had to distance myself because this place is full of negativity even when it tries to be positive. It's not anyone's fault, but I really see success stories as horror stories, as precisely what would completely traumatize my expectations.

 

I couldn't have a birthday party yesterday and that's fine, I could resign from any food, going out or phone, but even this doesn't stop the madness. I can't accept we're there. I wish we weren't there as in never had the reason to be here in the first place. I love my angels, but I joined at the beginning of this year. Now we're coming close to an end of summer and nobody healed yet. So tired of not feeling myself...