BaccatePlayer: Immediate adverse reaction to sertraline

[KaiLee]

I'll always come back and say hi to you.  

[KaiLee]

Stay well, and stay in hope you will recover.
You will.

[BaccatePlayer]

On 8/9/2024 at 11:45 PM, KaiLee said:

I'll always come back and say hi to you.  

You're always welcome here.

On 8/10/2024 at 7:07 AM, KaiLee said:

Stay well, and stay in hope you will recover.
You will.

Thank you Kai! My hopes are probably too optimistic. It's like I expect recovery coming in few days. Things got to maximum intensity since month 8 started and they're still way too severe as of now. One positive is that panic attacks are absent for 11 days now. I'm getting mental panic attacks though. DP/DR was absolutely unbearable, I didn't know one can be this far without going insane. The vertigo also incredibly powerful. Never had it to such extent. I think it slowly improves, I'm probably having windows every 3-4 days, but they're so bad that they're not much of a hope. There's some unique depth of these symptoms unlocked month ago that really went beyond what it should stay within. I felt completely "full" of that: any movement was like fully rejecting the position my mind thought I was in. With time my hands feel some excitement on the fingers instead of the overwhelming mismatch, so it weakens, but I can tell how these mental symptoms confuse my system. It really does feel like "instability". It's not mood, it's not feelings or thoughts, but something with just being myself is like a cap struggling to sit on the bottle. I avoid introspection because it simply doesn't work properly yet, but sometimes it's forced and I have to watch how my mind has completely no idea how to cognitively capture everything. I really hope I haven't destabilized myself. I know people would normally just go on and assume that's how their withdrawal is, but I really feel 16.07.2024 is when things suddenly crashed into something major. If I'm still on the way of recovery, that's fine, but if I will be like that for more months, healing doesn't bring much hope.

[KaiLee]

Thanks for the reply.

 

I am on the stage where I start to forget how I came through those days, so I had to remind myself of it while trying to read what you've wrote.

 

Asides from the common withdrawal stories, I can understand what you've wrote in the context of depersonalization and derealization. I know what these are, and I probably had similar experiences with you within certain range, having some similarities in our experiences.

I know how hopeless it can be when everything feels overshadowed by the 'illness' we've got and you have nowhere or nothing to hang onto, but as one person who's been thorugh and now out of it, I can see it's just that one has to be out of the it to see it clearly.

I can't explain well enough right now, but I know there is hope.

But you must stay focused on yourself. I believe that is the only way to heal. I know it is terribly hard, but we cannot let ourselves go, anyway. So we must find what our true selves want, and give it to it.

 

But after all, I am not completely 'healed' yet, so I cannot assure my advice is good enough, but now I am much progressed that I can now look back, see and understand what was going on in my mind. I can analyze, understand, and be honest with myself, which was not possible for me back than.

 

If I get better, I will again come back and try to give you better help.

 

After all, you stayed calm with your best effort and tried to give hope to others, including me, in your worst time.

I believe you can count on that part of yourself on any situation, and it will guide you no matter what.

 

Sorry I cannot be more help. I still have great issues with focusing.

So I have to try to make everything quick and short as things get longer.

Anyway, until next time.  

Stay well, and I wish you can take care of yourself.

[KaiLee]

I've edited my last message.

I hope it sounds better now.

I wish I could be more help, but I feel this is my limit.

I actually have great problem with allowing myself to help others with my sincerity.

But I wish you my best hope, and I do believe there is hope.

After all, I've been through it.

[BaccatePlayer]

4 hours ago, KaiLee said:

Thanks for the reply.

 

I am on the stage where I start to forget how I came through those days, so I had to remind myself of it while trying to read what you've wrote.

 

Asides from the common withdrawal stories, I can understand what you've wrote in the context of depersonalization and derealization. I know what these are, and I probably had similar experiences with you within certain range, having some similarities in our experiences.

I know how hopeless it can be when everything feels overshadowed by the 'illness' we've got and you have nowhere or nothing to hang onto, but as one person who's been thorugh and now out of it, I can see it's just that one has to be out of the it to see it clearly.

I can't explain well enough right now, but I know there is hope.

But you must stay focused on yourself. I believe that is the only way to heal. I know it is terribly hard, but we cannot let ourselves go, anyway. So we must find what our true selves want, and give it to it.

 

But after all, I am not completely 'healed' yet, so I cannot assure my advice is good enough, but now I am much progressed that I can now look back, see and understand what was going on in my mind. I can analyze, understand, and be honest with myself, which was not possible for me back than.

 

If I get better, I will again come back and try to give you better help.

 

After all, you stayed calm with your best effort and tried to give hope to others, including me, in your worst time.

I believe you can count on that part of yourself on any situation, and it will guide you no matter what.

 

Sorry I cannot be more help. I still have great issues with focusing.

So I have to try to make everything quick and short as things get longer.

Anyway, until next time.  

Stay well, and I wish you can take care of yourself.

It's actually good that you don't remember it. Temporary process of healing that ultimately didn't determine who you are. Overall I experienced DP/DR during my journey in the past, but now it was much more overwhelming. It was like the same sense of trap as during panic attacks and sometimes it lasts very long despite me freezing. I think I got into a hole with my health anxiety. I'm still worried about anything I eat, whether I'll be able to sleep. Then again, maybe I got back to the level of severity from month 7? Can't tell right now, but food phobia would be a step back. It is true that in this battle of "two brains" there's still the real me there. I try to give the microphone to my natural self to tell the story as if I wasn't broken. My mood and identity are just how they should be, I just operate from under a rock of symptoms. You're a massive help too and I'm sure you're on the best way to improve yourself.

 

4 hours ago, KaiLee said:

I've edited my last message.

I hope it sounds better now.

I wish I could be more help, but I feel this is my limit.

I actually have great problem with allowing myself to help others with my sincerity.

But I wish you my best hope, and I do believe there is hope.

After all, I've been through it.

There's only so much you can do. There's only so much I can do. It likely just has to last for some time. Thank you for your hope, I needed it. Seriously hope I didn't slow down/worsen my recovery. Current waves look very, very serious. Maybe more than ever. Then again, severity doesn't equal duration. Always happy to see you here my friend. Keeping you in my thoughts.

[BaccatePlayer]

Small update: sleep is very fragile. I'm really inconsistent with hours of rest. Wednesday and today I didn't sleep at all, yesterday I slept the whole night, but had to wake up early and sometimes I sleep from 11 to 4 or from 4 to 9. I try various solutions, but there's literally some chemical "unable to fall asleep" mode. Once I can feel it, I know it's impossible that night.

 

Topic of illnesses, meds, being out of control, moods and symptoms is still a serious trigger. It's like instantly alarming my whole system going from 0 to maximum. Mental panic attacks happen and I have to avoid bringing too much awareness to myself. Autopilot functioning, but at least I can somehow "hide" in my activities. Better not to think when my mind would randomly fixate on a body part and start believing in fatalistic scenarios.

 

The most bothering symptoms are DP/DR and vertigo. There are some giant stormy sensations of pulling me upwards today (it used to be pulling downwards or just spiraling so far), but I understand after sleepless nights and so much heat it won't pass that easily. Very severe for now, I didn't know balance issues can be this painful. Food, screens, mentions of accidents - triggers are everywhere at the moment. I shouldn't be surprised about some symptoms, I just wasn't ready for having such problems at this exact point.

 

 

[Jaffa]

Dear Friend,

 

I have been dealing with some big stuff this last few weeks so have largely been absent here. That said you have been in my thoughts. This suffering ....it goes on and on and on and still you write about it with remarkable composure. If you look at my thread you will see that while in the thick of it I was not so composed and so impatient to find a solution. I don't know, maybe it was because the symptoms of hyper alertness and hyper activity were so terrible for me. I used to think that I had symptoms far worse than anyone else's.  Anyway, I watch you amazed that despite the agony you are able to observe it all and not completely freak out . There's a bit of Buddha in there. 

 

When sleep is affected the whole level of suffering reaches new heights because there is such little relief. I'm glad that you are getting at least some sleep. 

13 hours ago, BaccatePlayer said:

Topic of illnesses, meds, being out of control, moods and symptoms is still a serious trigger. It's like instantly alarming my whole system going from 0 to maximum. Mental panic attacks happen and I have to avoid bringing too much awareness to myself. Autopilot functioning, but at least I can somehow "hide" in my activities. Better not to think when my mind would randomly fixate on a body part and start believing in fatalistic scenarios.

Wisdom here! Distract distract distract. Keep remembering that thoughts are just thoughts and they will run through but they are distorted by the injury. They have no reality. The only thing that is real is what is happening right now ; air on skin, sensations in body, sound of birds, whatever is actually happening. Thoughts about it, the running commentary will go crazy but try if you can to change the channel and just do something that keeps the mind occupied with present task at hand. I am amazed by your resilience and I'm feeling so much admiration for your ability to endure. Sending you so much love and well wishes and hoping with everything in me that a shift, a window, a break comes soon .

[BaccatePlayer]

13 hours ago, Jaffa said:

Dear Friend,

 

I have been dealing with some big stuff this last few weeks so have largely been absent here. That said you have been in my thoughts. This suffering ....it goes on and on and on and still you write about it with remarkable composure. If you look at my thread you will see that while in the thick of it I was not so composed and so impatient to find a solution. I don't know, maybe it was because the symptoms of hyper alertness and hyper activity were so terrible for me. I used to think that I had symptoms far worse than anyone else's.  Anyway, I watch you amazed that despite the agony you are able to observe it all and not completely freak out . There's a bit of Buddha in there. 

 

When sleep is affected the whole level of suffering reaches new heights because there is such little relief. I'm glad that you are getting at least some sleep. 

 

Wisdom here! Distract distract distract. Keep remembering that thoughts are just thoughts and they will run through but they are distorted by the injury. They have no reality. The only thing that is real is what is happening right now ; air on skin, sensations in body, sound of birds, whatever is actually happening. Thoughts about it, the running commentary will go crazy but try if you can to change the channel and just do something that keeps the mind occupied with present task at hand. I am amazed by your resilience and I'm feeling so much admiration for your ability to endure. Sending you so much love and well wishes and hoping with everything in me that a shift, a window, a break comes soon .

I sensed you may be in a bad place, and no angel should blame themselves for having enough of this nightmare. There's a lot of temptation to freak out, I can't even tell what's going on with me, but I can't let that anxious voice win me over. I still fail to fall asleep and it makes a really big difference. Bad wave started and I can tell how my heart is in pain from this icicles sensation, trying to bring down the excess adrenaline that gives me restless legs, lots of panic and racing thoughts. Thank you sweetheart, I wish your suffering ends soon as well! Our real sense of selves is still there, just under construction temporarly.

[Jaffa]

12 hours ago, BaccatePlayer said:

Bad wave started and I can tell how my heart is in pain from this icicles sensation, trying to bring down the excess adrenaline that gives me restless legs, lots of panic and racing thoughts.

UUUrrgghh! This is so awful. I know it so well. The icicles sensation happens for me too in varying degrees. It has improved substantially. I notice that any nervous or heightened feelings create this sensation in my diaphragm area also. I think this may be an adverse effect from the mirtazapine. I have restless legs on and off also. At least you are off all the drugs and this is fantastic because you have only to look towards healing without going through tapering which I have yet to go through probably for years. Brave and beautiful soul, keep on keeping on. You are closer to healing with every day that passes.

[BaccatePlayer]

On 8/18/2024 at 3:25 AM, Jaffa said:

UUUrrgghh! This is so awful. I know it so well. The icicles sensation happens for me too in varying degrees. It has improved substantially. I notice that any nervous or heightened feelings create this sensation in my diaphragm area also. I think this may be an adverse effect from the mirtazapine. I have restless legs on and off also. At least you are off all the drugs and this is fantastic because you have only to look towards healing without going through tapering which I have yet to go through probably for years. Brave and beautiful soul, keep on keeping on. You are closer to healing with every day that passes.

Yes, that's some activation in play. I've been taking mirtazapine and bupropion the longest and it seems I'm really fragile right now. So vulnerable to everything around. Still not capable of sleeping, maybe around 3 hours at best between 4 and 7 AM, but I hope it fix itself really soon. Everyday some wierd sensations, like an "aura" of brain. It lasts for hours and each time feels different. I feel so instable that I even act in wierd way.

 

My parents are very skeptical about me not taking meds being the solution. They see I'm not functioning (even outside of withdrawal I can't live independantly), yet they see meds don't work on me (even outside of withdrawal they only made me fat and sleepy the whole time) nor does therapy (I spend so many months on therapy and there was no improvement besides gaining a few insights), so they don't know what to do with me. Doctor and therapist suggested hospitalization if I don't see progress, but I don't see ward working either and mom wouldn't let me go there anyways. Parents at least realize I'm not losing contact with reality thus believing I'm not schizophrenic.

 

Monday I managed to sleep whole night, today it was worse, but probably not as bad. Lots of anxiety, these "excited" sensations on fingers and toes are extreme, vertigo can still be extreme at moments, DP/DR is affecting my thinking so much I can't even label what I experience as symptoms and am constantly on the verge of freaking out completely by what is happening. I hope I didn't mess everything by stopping my hormones. This really needs to improve quick cause how long can one be so acute? How long can a wave last? I wasn't this bad a week ago, but I feel like I had 3 days of wave and then after the damage from sleepless night compounded I'm having another 3 now, but much worse. I'm with you my angel, thanks for rescuing my verbal mood.

[Catina7]

Hello dear @BaccatePlayer...I just want to stop by your thread and see how you're feeling today.  You are always so sweet to read and like my posts;  I really appreciate it.  I hope you're hanging in there okay today.  💗

[BaccatePlayer]

1 minute ago, Catina7 said:

Hello dear @BaccatePlayer...I just want to stop by your thread and see how you're feeling today.  You are always so sweet to read and like my posts;  I really appreciate it.  I hope you're hanging in there okay today.  💗

Hi Catina! That's so kind from you, I appreciate you reaching out. It's quiet there for the most part because I'm not tapering, so all I can do is just check how others are doing as the only thing that's missing is enough time behind me. I've been through a really long and difficult wave. On the positive note, it's been a month since my last panic attack and my sleep improved (though I need to be very careful with screen time because my 6 hour sleep can still easily turn into 2 hour), but the symptoms are 24/7 with insanely scary DP/DR and resulting fatigue, cognitive issues, vertigo and anxiety on top of that. I set myself a few milestones to see how far I am from functioning: unbothered sleep, eating everything, listening to music, working out, sexual activity, playing games - currently not able to engage in these, but judging by success stories ninth month drug-free can very well be too early. I hope you're coping best to your abilities. I was actually just writing a poem for you:

 

"Among the suffering souls, on the turbulent sea,

A humble heroine shines bright and free.

Though wounded by fate, like all the angels dear,

Her hope still illuminates the darkest year.

 

Her journey's long, and she knows the strife,

But I believe that our Catina will thrive in life.

Even if her state is like a duckling's plight,

She'll rise one day, a beautiful swan in sight.

 

For now, let our treasure hear,

That with each moment of support, a chorus of angels cheers.

They bring her thanks, a heavenly band,

Guiding her through the struggles of this troubled land".

[Catina7]

10 minutes ago, BaccatePlayer said:

Hi Catina! That's so kind from you, I appreciate you reaching out. It's quiet there for the most part because I'm not tapering, so all I can do is just check how others are doing as the only thing that's missing is enough time behind me. I've been through a really long and difficult wave. On the positive note, it's been a month since my last panic attack and my sleep improved (though I need to be very careful with screen time because my 6 hour sleep can still easily turn into 2 hour), but the symptoms are 24/7 with insanely scary DP/DR and resulting fatigue, cognitive issues, vertigo and anxiety on top of that. I set myself a few milestones to see how far I am from functioning: unbothered sleep, eating everything, listening to music, working out, sexual activity, playing games - currently not able to engage in these, but judging by success stories ninth month drug-free can very well be too early. I hope you're coping best to your abilities. I was actually just writing a poem for you:

 

"Among the suffering souls, on the turbulent sea,

A humble heroine shines bright and free.

Though wounded by fate, like all the angels dear,

Her hope still illuminates the darkest year.

 

Her journey's long, and she knows the strife,

But I believe that our Catina will thrive in life.

Even if her state is like a duckling's plight,

She'll rise one day, a beautiful swan in sight.

 

For now, let our treasure hear,

That with each moment of support, a chorus of angels cheers.

They bring her thanks, a heavenly band,

Guiding her through the struggles of this troubled land".

 

First of all, I am very touched by your sweet and thoughtful poem.  You're going through so much, and for you to write that just blows my mind.  Thank you so much .... I LOVE IT!!!  

 

Secondly, I'm so sorry you've been still struggling, but I know there are better days waiting for you.  You will make it through this storm and emerge a better person.  You are so brave for withstanding all your symptoms, and I am so incredibly proud of you!  You are a huge encouragement.  

 

Sending you a big hug and much love...

 

Catina 💜

[LostInCanada]

@BaccatePlayer thinking of you. Healing is happening even when we feel horrible. You are doing well under awful circumstances. One day we will experience the moment when we feel good and it will be so amazing. Patience and kindness will get us there. ❤️

[BaccatePlayer]

25 minutes ago, LostInCanada said:

@BaccatePlayer thinking of you. Healing is happening even when we feel horrible. You are doing well under awful circumstances. One day we will experience the moment when we feel good and it will be so amazing. Patience and kindness will get us there. ❤️

That's so sweet, I think of you too. You're a very helpful angel and I always follow your brave stream of support sent to so many users. I can't believe 8.5 months off I'm still getting such sharp anxiety that I barely hold sanity. Even smallest stimulation blows the trappening mood so strong I feel like in alternate mind state. I know it will take more years, but I'll probably still spend rest of my life denying all this and going on revenge crusade. Some complain about emotional numbness, loss of personality, but I never lost myself. I just feel scared. Wouldn't be a problem if it was my anxiety, but it's something else. It's something my drugless body would never produce even if I was thrice as stressed. Much love to you and thanks a lot!

[LostInCanada]

22 minutes ago, BaccatePlayer said:

it's something else.

Unfortunately the medical community doesn't care enough to help us figure it out. We have each other thankfully and we will just keep moving forward no matter what. 

22 minutes ago, BaccatePlayer said:

I just feel scared.

I think this is such a raw natural feeling going through this trial. How can we not. It will get better.

❤️🙏

[BaccatePlayer]

11 hours ago, LostInCanada said:

Unfortunately the medical community doesn't care enough to help us figure it out. We have each other thankfully and we will just keep moving forward no matter what. 

It's only when I ask myself "how would I describe it to someone else?" that I somehow remind myself that these are all symptoms. I only rely on things not seeming like this before I was on meds because despite all the awareness I can tell my mind wakes up and falls asleep with the convincing belief that everything around is unreal and that these wierd sensations can trap me at any moment for good with me unable to handle it. I suppose panic and derealization can look very different each time, but it looks like the freaking out part is mandatory in the process.

 

11 hours ago, LostInCanada said:

I think this is such a raw natural feeling going through this trial. How can we not. It will get better.

❤️🙏

Thank you! I really hope so. I'm held by extreme anxiety cloud and really keep forgetting it is not harmful. It's always that fear of psychosis, suffocating or acting irrationally. I was thinking about these brain retraining programs, but I think the withdrawal coaches mean it for the stages closer to recovery, not the acute symptoms part. I'm going to church and hopefully won't be bought by all the doubts and crazy thoughts. Praying for all my angels.

[LostInCanada]

Just try to stay in the moment and try not to play out all the scenarios and what ifs. I know it is so hard. One day closer to healing. ❤️🙏

[BaccatePlayer]

On 9/1/2024 at 4:52 PM, LostInCanada said:

Just try to stay in the moment and try not to play out all the scenarios and what ifs. I know it is so hard. One day closer to healing. ❤️🙏

I try to. I used to think half a year of stability should be enough, but seems like it's not in my case. Acute, unpredictable symptoms and never there's a point when no symptoms appear. Then again, high doses. I don't let myself think about my condition too often, but sometimes it just has to be that adrenaline overload that's taking my mind to some confused place. I had a panic attack in town and just told myself even if it goes further and further, it can always go back and will never leave me in this state. As I accept this, I just approach people nearby and talk as if nothing was happening. It takes a lot to visualize myself from outside perspective where I'm not shaking nor acting wierd and am medically safe, but I know it's just my perception in the moment that's malfunctioning. Some say it's the first year that's the hardest, so I'm just trusting that, since I went through everything sofar, I'll always find a way to get past whatever tommorow brings. The real me was doing alright and I know it's coming back.

[Emonda]

It's been wonderful to see you around the site of late, BaccatePlayer, even though you haven't been feeling great yourself.

 

21 hours ago, BaccatePlayer said:

I'll always find a way to get past whatever tommorow brings.

 

You have a great attitude!

[mariamisery]

@BaccatePlayer Hi. You are getting better. The fact that you ate out and about is amazing. I know that you will stay strong and heal soon!

[mariamisery]

@BaccatePlayerI meant to say "are out and ". However, you probably ate too.🙂

[Kaylaq]

One minute to one minute, to one hour, to one day at a time!! 💪💪  😍😍😎😎  that’s all we can do!  

[BaccatePlayer]

19 hours ago, Emonda said:

It's been wonderful to see you around the site of late, BaccatePlayer, even though you haven't been feeling great yourself.

It's users that generate support here, so I'm trying to add up to the offering side, knowing how it's not easy for any of us. Seems like my recovery started from all over 2 months ago and it's extremely discouraging to know the past 7 months are pretty much wasted cause I made no progress. Despite avoiding screens, using PMR podcasts and epsom salt bath I couldn't get any sleep tonight. This has to be peak activation, so much adrenaline that I'm one thought away from extreme panic and losing myself. Such high doses, adverse reactions and cold turkey - I guess I couldn't get it any worse other than having a movement disorder.

19 hours ago, Emonda said:

You have a great attitude!

Whenever I feel like hitting a wall, my mind has a habbit of playing out dr. Anders Sørensen saying how even incorrect taper patients don't go insane nor die. I always had faith in following hours/days and eventually all waves ended. Really hope my actions and words speak louder than my thoughts and sensations.

 

18 hours ago, mariamisery said:

@BaccatePlayer Hi. You are getting better. The fact that you ate out and about is amazing. I know that you will stay strong and heal soon!

Hello princess! I guess my fear of what others would think of me wins me over. Family is already used to me carrying tasks they're unable to and stepping back would be seen as me giving in. I know every day is one day closer, but it looks like my instability went back to square one twice already, so I only had something like: acute phase for 4 months, then reaching peak again, 3 months later going back to maximum severity again and now I'm finishing second month of this crash. Maybe now it will only be getting better because I really am on no meds and I can't imagine it getting worse than it is now.

 

17 hours ago, mariamisery said:

@BaccatePlayerI meant to say "are out and ". However, you probably ate too.🙂

I figured. I actually never eat out. I also can't eat or read in the car for some reason as well. My eating improved a little, but I still refuse sugar because if it takes one song or a small screen to raise adrenaline levels to guaranteed insomnia level, I better play it safe.

[BaccatePlayer]

19 hours ago, Kaylaq said:

One minute to one minute, to one hour, to one day at a time!! 💪💪  😍😍😎😎  that’s all we can do!  

Yes, it really couldn't go differently yesterday. Insomnia, anxiety, DP/DR, intrusive thoughts, I could just sit like under spell and watch the rumminations playing out in loops. Way too fatigued and fogged to even focused on anything else, just reminding myself every few seconds that what I just experienced isn't permanent and doesn't call for any action. Seems like 264 days is a decent achievement, just not yet when I feel like I'm having it under control. I hope you're getting through this somehow as well.

[Sonia009]

@BaccatePlayer Hey, just want to send my good wishes to you, it can't be easy with what are going through yet you still find time to give encouragement and excellent advice to others. I hope you find relief from your symptoms soon. Take care.🙏🙂

[BaccatePlayer]

11 minutes ago, Sonia009 said:

@BaccatePlayer Hey, just want to send my good wishes to you, it can't be easy with what are going through yet you still find time to give encouragement and excellent advice to others. I hope you find relief from your symptoms soon. Take care.🙏🙂

Hi Sonia! Good to see you here, though I wish we were both no longer in need to be there. This wave I'm feeling worst I've ever been. I didn't have the sensation of stomach being squeezed inside and heartburn lately, it suddenly returned, but that's not even the most worrying part. The intensity of adrenaline overload is very concerning. I'm prone to severe insomnia, something I never had to deal with before unless I would be to take bupropion late in the evening. Everytime I lose my sleep, the cortisol absolutely skyrockets. From around early evening up to next afternoon it feels like a panic attack is building up until it peaks. This is so traumatic that I get some really wierd thoughts about losing my faith in God, fearing that everything will play out like this forever and that nothing is real and I'm being sunken to some different reality. Luckily, it can be explained by intense panic. Thoughts of insanity, eternal trap in pain and worries about uncontrollable, insane acting out is exactly how anxiety turned up to 11 works, and likely for everyone. Now imagine being held in this state for long hours, having wierd dreams and waking up with it still lasting. My thoughts are cognitively confused, it's like whenever I make a movement, my mind dies, is born again and gets surprised by everything around. This happens so frequently, that every minute I have no escape from that. Epsom salt baths, progressive muscle relaxation podcasts, affirmations - nothing, absolutely nothing stops that. By the time it gets better, I don't know what I'll be going through. I had no control over my thoughts, I felt like being spread around onto a few spots nearby, I didn't know what people were saying to me. How not to be scared when I literally feel like my hearing got weaker at times? It's even hard to see it as experiencing a symptom, it's more like the whole world was changing alongside me. I'm eating so little, don't watch TV, don't do anything and yet I'm worse than I ever had been. I also lost hope that it takes less than 2 years. Thank you angel, let the relief come to you and your husband as well!

[Gonzo]

Hey @BaccatePlayer, sorry to hear you're not doing well. Wish things were different. I'm aware this may be triggering or invalidating for you but if you have some time and energy I strongly suggest taking a look at this video, maybe his ideas don't apply to your case but in case it does I think it's worth sharing:

 

 

This person also has an introduction topic in this website and recovery story.

 

 

I relate to what you are currently experiencing at the present and I hope it's just withdrawal and nothing else but please be open minded in case past traumas got triggered with your adverse reaction to Sertraline like it did in his case and mine.

[BaccatePlayer]

2 minutes ago, Gonzo said:

Hey @BaccatePlayer, sorry to hear you're not doing well. Wish things were different. I'm aware this may be triggering or invalidating for you but if you have some time and energy I strongly suggest taking a look at this video, maybe his ideas don't apply to your case in the present, but maybe it does, but in case it does I think it's worth sharing:

 

 

This person also has an introduction topic in this website and recovery story.

 

 

Hello Gonzo! I actually saw this one before. I keep working on my anxiety and even though I don't react with secondary fear anymore, the overactive response from my system is still too powerful. Maybe it takes the trauma response bit by bit and replays them in waves. If it eventually improves, I'm content with that, but if being on the edge of sanity and endurance becomes my lifestyle, there will be nothing of me, just a rolling body.

[Sonia009]

1 hour ago, BaccatePlayer said:

Hi Sonia! Good to see you here, though I wish we were both no longer in need to be there. This wave I'm feeling worst I've ever been. I didn't have the sensation of stomach being squeezed inside and heartburn lately, it suddenly returned, but that's not even the most worrying part. The intensity of adrenaline overload is very concerning. I'm prone to severe insomnia, something I never had to deal with before unless I would be to take bupropion late in the evening. Everytime I lose my sleep, the cortisol absolutely skyrockets. From around early evening up to next afternoon it feels like a panic attack is building up until it peaks. This is so traumatic that I get some really wierd thoughts about losing my faith in God, fearing that everything will play out like this forever and that nothing is real and I'm being sunken to some different reality. Luckily, it can be explained by intense panic. Thoughts of insanity, eternal trap in pain and worries about uncontrollable, insane acting out is exactly how anxiety turned up to 11 works, and likely for everyone. Now imagine being held in this state for long hours, having wierd dreams and waking up with it still lasting. My thoughts are cognitively confused, it's like whenever I make a movement, my mind dies, is born again and gets surprised by everything around. This happens so frequently, that every minute I have no escape from that. Epsom salt baths, progressive muscle relaxation podcasts, affirmations - nothing, absolutely nothing stops that. By the time it gets better, I don't know what I'll be going through. I had no control over my thoughts, I felt like being spread around onto a few spots nearby, I didn't know what people were saying to me. How not to be scared when I literally feel like my hearing got weaker at times? It's even hard to see it as experiencing a symptom, it's more like the whole world was changing alongside me. I'm eating so little, don't watch TV, don't do anything and yet I'm worse than I ever had been. I also lost hope that it takes less than 2 years. Thank you angel, let the relief come to you and your husband as well!

@BaccatePlayer Oh so sorry you're going through all of this crap, sounds like hell. Do you think stopping levothyroxine on 10 July has exacerbated your symptoms?  Have they been worse since then? I wish I could help you but your symptoms are so horrendous I wouldn't know how to. The good thing is you still seem to be in control of your feelings/symptoms, your acceptance of them, the realisation that they are just symptoms that will eventually pass with time. Insomnia isn't helping, I know that from my husband, it just makes everything a hundred times worse. It plays havoc with the mind, makes him feel like he's going crazy. He used to try to stay awake until late at night hoping he would get off to sleep but It never worked, now he sleeps when he can, just for short periods, any time of day. It affects your appetite too but it's good you're eating something, even small amounts of food regularly rather than large meals. I do hope things improve for you soon, you've had a lot to deal with. I send my best wishes to you. Take care.🙏🙂

[BaccatePlayer]

1 minute ago, Sonia009 said:

@BaccatePlayer Oh so sorry you're going through all of this crap, sounds like hell. Do you think stopping levothyroxine on 10 July has exacerbated your symptoms?  Have they been worse since then? I wish I could help you but your symptoms are so horrendous I wouldn't know how to. The good thing is you still seem to be in control of your feelings/symptoms, your acceptance of them, the realisation that they are just symptoms that will eventually pass with time. Insomnia isn't helping, I know that from my husband, it just makes everything a hundred times worse. It plays havoc with the mind, makes him feel like he's going crazy. He used to try to stay awake until late at night hoping he would get off to sleep but It never worked, now he sleeps when he can, just for short periods, any time of day. It affects your appetite too but it's good you're eating something, even small amounts of food regularly rather than large meals. I do hope things improve for you soon, you've had a lot to deal with. I send my best wishes to you. Take care.🙏🙂

It might have, I've seen people getting withdrawal-like symptoms from various drugs like semaglutide, botox, testosterone, so it all contributes somehow. Then again, it was such a low dose with no effect on SERT occupancy and I already had an anxious reaction to it, and if not then, I would have stopped it last wednesday. There is no danger to it and at worst, it should stabilize fully by the end of this month. It's probably more about my fearful reaction around all this. Let's not forget it was never "good", especially not after Easter.

 

I avoid screens late in the evening and try to accept insomnia. I wake up many times at night, but fighting it is ineffective. There's just some point, that once reached, places some "load" I feel on my heart and testicles and it's always a sign, sleep will not be achieveable that night. I tried sleep-designed podcast, but it actually made me feel really bad. It was like putting a part of my system into sleep, but the rest wasn't responding and it was like feeling completely sick from that chemical confusion.

 

It only comes down to "What else can I do?" at this point. The whole day and night is a one big, altered, unmatching experience to me, but I have no options left. I just trust that acting (even if it feels like going against everything my mind is telling) as I did sofar brings me to better time one day. I imagine that the reset button happens when I ask myself, how would I even ask for help. These sensations have no actual message. It's not me wanting to die, or change anything. It's just an energy that sends false signals. If I can tell something is wrong, I'm still in control. From an outside perspective, I'm healthy and my "off" behaviors would be nothing, but panicking or acting on fatigue/low mood/pain. These waves end too, maybe I don't have that many of them left. Hug.

[Sonia009]

@BaccatePlayer You'll get through this, you have the right mind set, it must be very unpleasant, scary even, but you understand how to accept it, knowing one day it will pass. I hope it passes soon.🙏🙂

[BaccatePlayer]

17 hours ago, Sonia009 said:

@BaccatePlayer You'll get through this, you have the right mind set, it must be very unpleasant, scary even, but you understand how to accept it, knowing one day it will pass. I hope it passes soon.🙏🙂

I can't even tell how horrible this morning was. My brain was shutting down, the brain burning was increasing so badly, I was literally forced to stop and couldn't move for like 5 hours. I was so stuck in this and all the symptoms, even the past ones striked at once: digestive issues, imbalance, anxiety, DP/DR, panic, heart lags while taking deeper breath... I suspected I won't die and that it will go back to normal during second half of the day, but I just can't shake myself off of it. I already forgot what I was thinking back then, but I was incredibly amazed by how strong it is. Chemical panic so powerful that I wouldn't even know how to react to it.

 

Thank you Sonia, but I really don't know how to keep going with this. Even assuming I'm having an adverse reaction, kindling, protracted withdrawal and instability caused by dropping hormones, I don't get why I got to such point. I didn't even lose that much sleep this week compared to two weeks ago. There is no stress, little screen time and not even sugar anymore, yet I'm in heavily altered state for the whole time and can't seem to see any improvement in the past 5 months. I know Melissa Boutilier and Angie Peacock recovered from even worse situation, but I'm more instable at month 9 than I was at month 1.

[Catina7]

You will get through this @BaccatePlayer.  Keep reading success stories of people who recovered from the deepest depths of suffering.  You will heal too.

 

You are such an encouragement here and are always so supportive of others despite your own difficulties.  You are a treasure!

 

Sending love 'n hugs,

Catina ❤️

[LostInCanada]

This is a good quote from Brassmonkey on another member's intro:

"Symptom Load" would be the amount of symptoms you feel. During a taper the symptoms happen at a slow controlled rate making it easier for the body to sort them out and handle them. With a CT all the symptoms are released at once and it takes a long time for the body to sort them out and resolve them.

 

@BaccatePlayer your poor body is so overloaded at the moment. Despite feeling like there has been no improvement we know the body is adapting. I wish I could make it easier for you. We all just want healing but it unfortunately takes time and perseverance. Sending hugs♥️