BaccatePlayer: Immediate adverse reaction to sertraline

[Sonia009]

2 hours ago, BaccatePlayer said:

I can't even tell how horrible this morning was. My brain was shutting down, the brain burning was increasing so badly, I was literally forced to stop and couldn't move for like 5 hours. I was so stuck in this and all the symptoms, even the past ones striked at once: digestive issues, imbalance, anxiety, DP/DR, panic, heart lags while taking deeper breath... I suspected I won't die and that it will go back to normal during second half of the day, but I just can't shake myself off of it. I already forgot what I was thinking back then, but I was incredibly amazed by how strong it is. Chemical panic so powerful that I wouldn't even know how to react to it.

 

Thank you Sonia, but I really don't know how to keep going with this. Even assuming I'm having an adverse reaction, kindling, protracted withdrawal and instability caused by dropping hormones, I don't get why I got to such point. I didn't even lose that much sleep this week compared to two weeks ago. There is no stress, little screen time and not even sugar anymore, yet I'm in heavily altered state for the whole time and can't seem to see any improvement in the past 5 months. I know Melissa Boutilier and Angie Peacock recovered from even worse situation, but I'm more instable at month 9 than I was at month 1.

@BaccatePlayer I'm so sorry you are feeling so poorly. You've been under a lot of strain for many months brought on by your persistent varying symptoms all of which have affected your anxiety levels, diet and your sleep (reading back on your notes). All of this has taken its toll on you and is coming to a head maybe causing a type of freeze response. 🤔 I'm not a medical person so I cannot advise you but I can understand how these symptoms can put a person under a lot of pressure. These drugs have caused so many weird symptoms for most of us here so it's not difficult to understand some of your symptoms. Some people are affected more severely than others for whatever reason and you seem to fall in that category.

On a positive note you are doing the right things, you mention your stress levels are improving recently, your diet is improving and so is your sleep compared to a week ago. Hopefully these continued improvements will aid in your recovery from this blip.

You express yourself clearly, you're highly intelligent and continue to give good advice to others, you're mentally strong. I appreciate the advice you have given me and no doubt will hope to receive more advice should I need it in the future.😋

I really hope things start to improve for you, just keep doing the right things, stay cool and stay positive. You've got this.🙂🙏

[Celeste1990]

I’m so sorry you’re struggling @BaccatePlayer 😔 I just wanted to share this video that I find helpful when I’m having a hard time. You’re so kind to always offer support to others but please make sure you're taking care of yourself. 

 

[Kaylaq]

Sending you extra strength, courage, hope, and love to keep hanging on!!! 💪💪💪🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻😍😍😍  we are here for you!!!!! 

[BaccatePlayer]

14 hours ago, Catina7 said:

You will get through this @BaccatePlayer.  Keep reading success stories of people who recovered from the deepest depths of suffering.  You will heal too.

 

You are such an encouragement here and are always so supportive of others despite your own difficulties.  You are a treasure!

 

Sending love 'n hugs,

Catina ❤️

I have no idea what was happening to me. I woke up today and I was in similair state, but milder. Now I feel like a trauma hit me. I can't stop shaking, I'm so scared by what it was doing to me yesterday. I can't even label it. These weren't thoughts, these weren't just anxious feelings, I couldn't tell what's going on. Did I overdo pathologizing my reactions? Did I just spiral into calling everything a symptom and living as if everything was right? I couldn't play it out differently. I did so many things this week, I have proofs, but for some reason I can't remember past days. It was just "it will pass", "just a few more hours", "calm down" and I don't know anything now. I felt that my reality got altered so much that my mind has no idea how to live anymore. I could scream and run around, but what I would even be trying to do? I was busy, I was working on my anxiety, but I feel every inch of my understanding got severely changed. Hug.

 

13 hours ago, LostInCanada said:

This is a good quote from Brassmonkey on another member's intro:

"Symptom Load" would be the amount of symptoms you feel. During a taper the symptoms happen at a slow controlled rate making it easier for the body to sort them out and handle them. With a CT all the symptoms are released at once and it takes a long time for the body to sort them out and resolve them.

 

@BaccatePlayer your poor body is so overloaded at the moment. Despite feeling like there has been no improvement we know the body is adapting. I wish I could make it easier for you. We all just want healing but it unfortunately takes time and perseverance. Sending hugs♥️

I can't expect it to end immediately. I know that. I just feel like I lost control over that. It already broke me so many times, I insisted on not reacting to it and now I'm not even close to feeling myself. I'm so deep in this that I don't know what to do. Can you imagine anxiety so high that you don't even know how to match your fear with anything real because mind just doesn't believe in anything around yet it cannot find a reasonable closure? I wish I could just read a book for a few hours and be over it, but I think that wave caused me PTSD. I blacked out completely and I'm worried that I'm developing schizophrenia. I'm using symptoms terminology because that's the only way I can communicate that, but seriously even the most severe cases, when they talk about it, or when I imagine them behaving, it looks simple to understand, but what I experience just doesn't feel like anything that could be described or compared to something. Am I still making sense? Maybe I'll be more sober when that wave ends, but it's over a week and I seem to handle it worse and worse because the breaking point is crossed at every step. I had more than enough when I was having a panic attack walking with my mom, but it wasn't even the worst part as it seems. Too much bad things happening... adverse reaction, kindling, protracted withdrawal, developing phobias... I crossed too many red warnings at once... Hug.

[LostInCanada]

Hope is everything. Read Marsha and her success story. You will write yours one day too. 

I am so sorry. ♥️🙏

[Gonzo]

@BaccatePlayer this is how I've been reframing my experience regarding withdrawal/PAWS lately and I hope it can help you. First of all, people like us already have a trauma story, these traumas cause postraumatic symptoms that doesn't fit in modern society, ie they cause "dysfunction", then we take drugs to "fix" the PTS symptoms that psychiatry pathologizes (psychiatric labels) to become "functional". Issue is this, when coming off of the drugs the traumas will come back too, actually they never went away we just detached from them. These traumas happen because unmet needs, specially childhood core emotional needs. They form what schema therapy calls early "maladaptive" schemas, I prefer to call them early trauma-based schemas tho. These schemas, from my point of view, are early trauma-based neural pathways. Some of them become dormant while we grow up and become adults, some are always active, some reactivate under certain circumstances. These schemas or neural pathways are what send danger signals to our CNS releasing stored PTS because the traumatic needs are unmet and the traumas were never healed, because we had to repress them to survive "functioning" in a society where validation for trauma is like water in the desert. Withdrawal and adverse reactions coming from psych "meds" aka psychotropic drugs are one of these triggering events than can reactivate dormant early-trauma based schemas/neural pathways and then all sorts of symptoms happen but they do not make sense to us because they come from past times that we forgot or don't seem connected to present time circumstances. If you want to take a look at schema therapy concepts and early schemas take a look at this, you'll see quickly what I mean:

 

https://www.schematherapy.com/id73.htm

 

https://www.schematherapy.com/id63.htm

 

And I don't deny withdrawal happening, you could be experiencing all these things and withdrawal at the same time.

 

Withdrawal can truly be a terrifying experience and this feeling of loss of control can trigger all these horrible repressed things.

[LukeUK]

18 hours ago, Gonzo said:

These schemas or neural pathways are what send danger signals to our CNS releasing stored PTS because the traumatic needs are unmet and the traumas were never healed, because we had to repress them to survive "functioning" in a society where validation for trauma is like water in the desert. Withdrawal and adverse reactions coming from psych "meds" aka psychotropic drugs are one of these triggering events than can reactivate dormant early-trauma based schemas/neural pathways and then all sorts of symptoms happen but they do not make sense to us because they come from past times that we forgot or don't seem connected to present time circumstances.

 

Is any of this evidence-based?

[Gonzo]

I guess there are some evidence out there. This is the meaning framework I built to understand my problems mainly. Based on personal experience and learning. Schema therapy and its foundations are well studied. About the trauma there is this great book called the body keeps the score. Gabor Maté also talked a lot about it.

[BaccatePlayer]

On 9/8/2024 at 10:25 PM, Sonia009 said:

@BaccatePlayer I'm so sorry you are feeling so poorly. You've been under a lot of strain for many months brought on by your persistent varying symptoms all of which have affected your anxiety levels, diet and your sleep (reading back on your notes). All of this has taken its toll on you and is coming to a head maybe causing a type of freeze response. 🤔 I'm not a medical person so I cannot advise you but I can understand how these symptoms can put a person under a lot of pressure. These drugs have caused so many weird symptoms for most of us here so it's not difficult to understand some of your symptoms. Some people are affected more severely than others for whatever reason and you seem to fall in that category.

On a positive note you are doing the right things, you mention your stress levels are improving recently, your diet is improving and so is your sleep compared to a week ago. Hopefully these continued improvements will aid in your recovery from this blip.

You express yourself clearly, you're highly intelligent and continue to give good advice to others, you're mentally strong. I appreciate the advice you have given me and no doubt will hope to receive more advice should I need it in the future.😋

I really hope things start to improve for you, just keep doing the right things, stay cool and stay positive. You've got this.🙂🙏

It does seem like this. Still, I didn't act on my anxiety externally the way it wanted me to. I could call my parents for attention, start screaming, but it ultimately wouldn't solve anything. I just trusted that from an outside perspective my health is in no danger, I wouldn't lose my senses and that regardless of what I feel, my autonomic system won't let me do anything desperate. It's only a belief when I'm in such altered state, but there really isn't anything I could do differently.

 

I would still count it as more of a flight response, the freeze is only physical because my body is really tired most of the time. My mentality is agitated and I can feel my thoughts being always on the run. I seek actions and compulsively browse my phone. That's probably why Melissa Boutilier believes withdrawal is mostly type A personalities thing, we just need to control our lives so much that it's hard to accept losing the steering wheel. My doctor made many changes, doses were very high compared to others who are posting there, and I was on different meds for 3 years. If I'm still alive, that's still healing and I shouldn't change anything now. It's just capable of completely change me. I knew I was influenced by it, I can tell when my reaction is natural, and when it's artificial. These waves are extremely long (around 1.5 weeks with maybe an hour in the afternoon of break), but this pattern cannot go on like this forever.

 

Perhaps this can all be explained by anxiety. These states of mind and sensations are not logical anyways, so I shouldn't make it so personal. Whatever happens inside my mind is temporary and unrepeatable. I'm terrified by it lasting a year or 2 more, but there's always hope. I'm keeping you in my prayers too, Sonia. You're my special angel who's always like a softest balm lending ear to suffering ones. Thank you!

 

On 9/8/2024 at 10:50 PM, Celeste1990 said:

I’m so sorry you’re struggling @BaccatePlayer 😔 I just wanted to share this video that I find helpful when I’m having a hard time. You’re so kind to always offer support to others but please make sure you're taking care of yourself. 

 

I'm pretty sure this is the exact video I was quotting somewhere recently. One psychologist, who is a friend of Baylissa Frederick said that over half of recoverying people report getting increasingly severe symptoms before healing. Maybe I actually didn't act as if I was vulnerable in this state enough lately. Not saying that staying at home, or in bed for the whole days would make a difference, but sometimes I just feel that I'm trying to do everything for myself and for others, and maybe all this is asking my brain to do too much. I don't know, I really cut down what I could: music, working out, watching screens, sexual activity, negative thinking patterns... Maybe there's just a point when I have to admit it is currently where it is and does what it does. Thank you for reaching out, I hope we can eventually meet under the sunny day in our minds.

[Jaffa]

@BaccatePlayer

 

Checking in on you dear one. You and others here are always in my thoughts. I have been turning my sadness and rage about this situation towards activism and have been doing what I can when I can to help create changes for all of us. It feels like a mammoth monster I am fighting but lots of small actions combined and done with consistency can make a difference. 

 

I am so sorry that you are struggling with sleep. This increases the level of suffering dramatically. The enormity of all these intense symptoms happening together for such a long period of time is truly terrifying and yet you continue to grace us with your profound experience like an artist, always communicating so clearly what is happening for you inspire of the confusion and exhaustion. 

I wish I could hold you and tell you in person how truly magnificent you are! I cry writing this. I cry for all of us and because of the crazy injustice of it all. 

 

Remember you ARE healing. All this severe pain happening at once is your brain/ body trying to come home, homeostasis. Keep going dear one. Keep on keeping on. 

 

Jaffa

[BaccatePlayer]

On 9/9/2024 at 2:41 AM, Kaylaq said:

Sending you extra strength, courage, hope, and love to keep hanging on!!! 💪💪💪🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻😍😍😍  we are here for you!!!!! 

Thank you Kayla! It's such a load to "fake act" the functioning in real life and "carrying" that world of doom inside as if it was a separate dimension. To some degree it is, because our CNS are dysregulated, so they're not following the same reality our autonomic systems do. They see danger when there's no, so I really appreciate your understanding of it. Being alone with this would be a disaster. At least we know real people heal. I know my brain is set for maximum anxiety and panic these days. Horrible 1.5 week of wave. It's like a chemical fire. You'd normally just throw water or sand onto a natural one and expect it to disappear. But this one is like using a gasoline. You react to it, only to see it swaying like under too weak wind on a candle. I pulled from my deepest internal resources so many times, still have to, maybe will still need to. I hope you're taking care of yourself, you came to rescue me and it does count in my heart. Angels deserve better. Praying for us.

On 9/9/2024 at 9:37 PM, LostInCanada said:

Hope is everything. Read Marsha and her success story. You will write yours one day too. 

I am so sorry. ♥️🙏

I did. I don't thinking posting my story is a good idea. Even if it ended with full recovery today, it'd be a manifest of exactly the kind of scenario that would strip me out of any hope if I read that during waves.

 

I probably need to expect it to last 2-7 years. I couldn't understand when Melissa Boutilier was describing some wierd mental symptoms like having an image of harming oneself 24/7, but now I can see how one can live with that. It's all as if mind was taking a specific second of panic attack and being stuck at it for the whole day. In my case this is mostly kinesthetic misalignment. I can tell my mind is in complete disagreement with my propioception. It thinks I'm shaking for the whole time (mostly limbs and especially fingers), it feels me rapidly being split in a few direction around me, walking feels completely odd as if I was swaying to both sides and simultaneously forward and backwards, I feel as if my mind registered my perspective being from lower height than I am, there are some painful dropping and flying sensations, all on top of being severely derealized and panicking. The hyperawareness of what happens in my stomach returned, intense thirst and bladder overreactivity as well, and whatever happens with my hearing (sudden hyperacusis, feeling like the volume got lower, wierd ear pressure) creates a non-stop struggle.

 

I don't see many people talking about the altered sensations. Do you recognize that sort of feeling of adrenaline loading up in the heart region under sudden stimuli? It feels completely different for me now. It's like a boiling printer ink sack bursted inside my chest. Headaches and nausea? Also unrepeatable and unique for this 9 month period. I guess I should just ignore that and trust that it will be fixed completely, but I always dread getting into some unrecognized circumstances (adverse reaction to tablets that were in my shelf for 3 years though not expired, getting off hormones, reinstating at full dose, kinding) - all this what I went through is somewhat atypical and my mind is never sure whether I can heal from it. I didn't take benzos ad hoc like some others did, but I'm pretty sure whoever went through what I did would have that in mind. Thing is, the last thing I think about when under unbearable nightmare is taking a risk. A lot of my friends and family believe that at this point it wouldn't be worse if I did something with it, but I'm telling them antidepressants are for depression, and that's not even what I'm going through. Pretty much most of that falls under neurological damage at this point, it barely is a set of symptoms, more like a time-limited states of mind alteration.

 

Any empathy, my mind seems to register with some delay, but I appreciate your support. I always think of severe cases (Bailey, Dahlia), but I also remember about the slow taperers and holders. Bless to all of my angels and their families. You're being a great encouragement, LostInCanada.

[BaccatePlayer]

On 9/10/2024 at 12:49 AM, Gonzo said:

@BaccatePlayer this is how I've been reframing my experience regarding withdrawal/PAWS lately and I hope it can help you. First of all, people like us already have a trauma story, these traumas cause postraumatic symptoms that doesn't fit in modern society, ie they cause "dysfunction", then we take drugs to "fix" the PTS symptoms that psychiatry pathologizes (psychiatric labels) to become "functional". Issue is this, when coming off of the drugs the traumas will come back too, actually they never went away we just detached from them. These traumas happen because unmet needs, specially childhood core emotional needs. They form what schema therapy calls early "maladaptive" schemas, I prefer to call them early trauma-based schemas tho. These schemas, from my point of view, are early trauma-based neural pathways. Some of them become dormant while we grow up and become adults, some are always active, some reactivate under certain circumstances. These schemas or neural pathways are what send danger signals to our CNS releasing stored PTS because the traumatic needs are unmet and the traumas were never healed, because we had to repress them to survive "functioning" in a society where validation for trauma is like water in the desert. Withdrawal and adverse reactions coming from psych "meds" aka psychotropic drugs are one of these triggering events than can reactivate dormant early-trauma based schemas/neural pathways and then all sorts of symptoms happen but they do not make sense to us because they come from past times that we forgot or don't seem connected to present time circumstances. If you want to take a look at schema therapy concepts and early schemas take a look at this, you'll see quickly what I mean:

 

https://www.schematherapy.com/id73.htm

 

https://www.schematherapy.com/id63.htm

 

And I don't deny withdrawal happening, you could be experiencing all these things and withdrawal at the same time.

 

Withdrawal can truly be a terrifying experience and this feeling of loss of control can trigger all these horrible repressed things.

Quotting Onmyway from topic on managing adverse reactions and cold turkey withdrawals: "We do not recommend exploring deep traumas to process them now". I definitelly didn't want to fix myself with drugs. Even without them I didn't want to be functional in the sense society or family interprets it. I already went through much denser topics than what you're posting, it's just that at some point I realized the solution for overthinking definitelly isn't to think even more. I have more signs of physical trauma than mental one (my right toe, left lat), but even if I was able to gain some insights from it, the processes that brain runs at the moment will have to happen. I feel much more sane when I allow my thoughts to go through games, cartoons, typologies and plans rather than alienating psychology. Especially since whenever I try to think during a wave, there's nothing unusual in my thoughts and I clearly see what's me and what's not. It brings peace to know this isn't personal or under my control, but rather just happening in the background of me, walking, eating and talking normally. If I see my body laughing and talking positively despite what's happening inside, I would rather focus on that since I already have too much worries without seeking them.

 

4 hours ago, Jaffa said:

@BaccatePlayer

 

Checking in on you dear one. You and others here are always in my thoughts. I have been turning my sadness and rage about this situation towards activism and have been doing what I can when I can to help create changes for all of us. It feels like a mammoth monster I am fighting but lots of small actions combined and done with consistency can make a difference. 

 

I am so sorry that you are struggling with sleep. This increases the level of suffering dramatically. The enormity of all these intense symptoms happening together for such a long period of time is truly terrifying and yet you continue to grace us with your profound experience like an artist, always communicating so clearly what is happening for you inspire of the confusion and exhaustion. 

I wish I could hold you and tell you in person how truly magnificent you are! I cry writing this. I cry for all of us and because of the crazy injustice of it all. 

 

Remember you ARE healing. All this severe pain happening at once is your brain/ body trying to come home, homeostasis. Keep going dear one. Keep on keeping on. 

 

Jaffa

That's so magnificent of you! I managed to go through the whole week without losing much sleep, but this wave keeps adrenaline levels so high, I'm having panic attacks daily, sometimes even more than once, with maximum panic being available at the slightest thought. I trust that the body knows where it goes, but what's painful or scary, is felt as it is. If only there was anything that would stop me from feeling like my body will do something against my will. The echo from these traumatizing experiences holds the mind for so long. I just hope there really is an end to it. Can't imagine it being any worse than this week. I'm so deprived from my regular activities and it's still not enough to stop this horror. I keep you in my thoughts too. Whenever I'm down, I think of holding onto the premise that we're healing and that my angels believe in me. Thank you so much, hoping we can share brighter future!

[Catina7]

17 hours ago, BaccatePlayer said:

there's always hope

 

Yes, there is my dear one.  Brighter days are ahead for you, I know it.  As Baylissa Frederick says, "If you are breathing, you are healing."  

 

Hugs,

Catina 💝

[Gonzo]

Sure I get what you are saying @BaccatePlayer, I have my points to say what I say. I always found withdrawal community pretty short sighted regarding the experience of withdrawals pretty much like psychiatry is. Maybe in the future I'll expose my ideas in a way that can help people go through this. Anyway, hang on there. It really takes time to find balance again.

[BaccatePlayer]

6 hours ago, Catina7 said:

Yes, there is my dear one.  Brighter days are ahead for you, I know it.  As Baylissa Frederick says, "If you are breathing, you are healing."  

 

Hugs,

Catina 💝

Would be quite pity to give up if recovery were to be completed within days, right? I do believe I'm healing. In fact, I've been mainly hanging on because I always thought I'm a few days away from an end of this throughout the whole time.

 

A large bomb of adrenaline possesed my mind this week. It's keeping me at "just before panic attack" mode and I struggle with derealization because of it. I don't think it can keep getting worse and worse indefinitelly. I just hope 2 weeks wave on such level won't become my new reality. I'm trying not to overthink that, but I reached the level of being bedridden. We can turn around the corner any day, no? Warm hugs.

 

2 hours ago, Gonzo said:

Sure I get what you are saying @BaccatePlayer, I have my points to say what I say. I always found withdrawal community pretty short sighted regarding the experience of withdrawals pretty much like psychiatry is. Maybe in the future I'll expose my ideas in a way that can help people go through this. Anyway, hang on there. It really takes time to find balance again.

You took your own mind into your hands. If you benefit from your exploration, that's great self-development. This path is probably not for me. The book "Cobardes, desafiantes y fanáticos: Las formas del Miedo" made me realize I should just... trust the simple. An anxious mind sees so many associations that one struggles to find reliable guidance and grounding. To be free in expression and place authority in my gut intuition, I have to let go of control. Just like I'm forced to, during this journey. I don't know how, under these sensations, confusion and cognitive issues I function flawlessly, but it happens. No intellect to capture that. Perhaps that's how it should be. I'm among the most inner-directed and my path of growth is playing the protagonist on a wider screen. What always gave me the most maturity is following natural trends. I mimicked adults' attitude as a kid, now I'm looking at elders. Their message is usually the same: stay positive, be kind to people and take care of your relationships. They drift away from introspection, individualism, ambition and deconstructing life. They opt for simple. I believe this is where happiness lies and I don't want to realize this too late.

 

When you see people around their 40s, 50s or 60s here, they may not be that much into such topics. They may have jobs, partners and kids. Don't forget that in case you want to reach out to the grand audience. I'm sure many people would be interested in your insights, I'm just in a place where I think I lost too much time trying to understand myself and there wasn't enough "living" happening. Maybe I could improve to some degree, but is it really worth it? I will still love my parents and forgive any education or health system members because that's where any wisdom leads to.

 

Thanks, I just keep disappointing my mind because when I said "stay strong, it will get better" in April, when I was incredibly broken, things got way worse next month... and then even worse the next one... and yet worse next one... and it doesn't look like it's gonna change anytime soon. Still, as long as I don't die, it won't hurt me.

 

 

[Emonda]

4 hours ago, BaccatePlayer said:

I do believe I'm healing

 

Every day is a day closer to improvement, BaccatePlayer.

 

You are going to succeed!

[Gonzo]

You got this @BaccatePlayer. Never lose hope, healing is happening, you are in your way of inner balance and you're learning huge amount of valuable things that one day you'll use to help others. You're becoming wiser and stronger with all this suffering.

[BaccatePlayer]

On 9/12/2024 at 1:21 AM, Emonda said:

Every day is a day closer to improvement, BaccatePlayer.

 

You are going to succeed!

I hope so. I survived 9 full months and symptoms worsened so much that I'm fighting wierd ideas 24/7. Too sensitive and too scared. Thanks Emonda, looks like I can't do more than just watching it all happening.

On 9/12/2024 at 5:15 PM, Gonzo said:

You got this @BaccatePlayer. Never lose hope, healing is happening, you are in your way of inner balance and you're learning huge amount of valuable things that one day you'll use to help others. You're becoming wiser and stronger with all this suffering.

Thanks, I can see it showing me how much can be produced by anxiety and still not be dangerous. A wave that holds me for 2 weeks almost makes me forget what it's like not to see false alarms at every step.

 

Current symptoms:

• DP/DR,

• feeling like not having any ground, like being in some places nearby, needing to close doors as if fearing that my body will escape and go somewhere without my control,

• extremely high anxiety and mood stuck in current state (losing perspective of it not being like this all the time, forgetting there are things that I like, feeling instantly lonely after I stop talking to someone); all negative thoughts, topics and existentianal rumminations activate huge panic and positive stimulation does so as well (walking faster, seeing a kissing scene on TV),

• health worrying (covid, moles, accidents),

• tinnitus & feelings like my hearing suddenly got weaker or hyperacusis,

• visual flashes (seeing random lights, dots, patterns in various colors), spirals and "faint sight" when using strength too suddenly,

• eye flicks (instant shaking of sight to the sides for a split second that looks like a lag when mind doesn't interpret the sight in front),

• numb-like fingers and toes,

• immobilizing fatigue moments throughout the day, waking up at night shows some very deep lethargy and heat,

• headaches,

• moments of flu-like feelings, coughing and "hot air" breathing,

• vivid dreams, usually a bit more absurd ones,

• brain burning,

• vertigo,

• wierd brain sensations that I can't compare to anything.

[Catina7]

Your reward is waiting for you @BaccatePlayer.  Your endurance in the face of so many symptoms is encouraging to the rest of us.  Keep hanging on to hope because one day this will all be behind you.  💜 💝 💜

[BaccatePlayer]

20 hours ago, Catina7 said:

Your reward is waiting for you @BaccatePlayer.  Your endurance in the face of so many symptoms is encouraging to the rest of us.  Keep hanging on to hope because one day this will all be behind you.  💜 💝 💜

I don't know where it is heading. Each month I'm more and more severe. It came to the point where I'm forced to stay in bed for almost the whole days.

 

We're struggling with floods at the moment (just like Germany, Romania, Austria, Czechia and Slovenia) and the weather stays terrible. 

 

I'm really skeptical about getting through next 2-4 weeks. If getting full sleep coonsistently this month and doing absolutely nothing gives out such state, then I don't know how to keep going. Thinking of you too, hug. Much appreciation for encouraging.

[Emonda]

3 minutes ago, BaccatePlayer said:

I don't know how to keep going.

 

Sometimes, we do minute-to-minute, then hour-to-hour.

 

Keep fighting, mate.

[Catina7]

1 hour ago, BaccatePlayer said:

I don't know where it is heading

 

You're headed toward healing.  If you're breathing, you're healing.  According to your signature you just entered your acute WD phase at the beginning of this month.  Sometimes things get worse before they get better.  Your brain is just trying to figure everything out, but it will in time.  You're young and have many years ahead of you.  Keep getting your rest, which is what your body needs right now.  Sometimes "doing absolutely nothing" is the best course of action.  

 

Try to keep yourself calm and hopeful.  Sending you a big cyber HUG!  💜

[Jaffa]

Holding you in my heart and thoughts . The advice above is so perfect. absolutely nothing is required from you right now. Keep holding on and keep talking to us. The warmest of hugs. 

[BaccatePlayer]

4 hours ago, Emonda said:

Sometimes, we do minute-to-minute, then hour-to-hour.

 

Keep fighting, mate.

I remember KenA saying that such waves are "good days of healing". Guess quite a bit of receptors are being repaired in September. Yes, I try to just focus on getting to the sleeping time. It gives pain and fear new definitions, but nothing I could do to make it better. Day by day, I came to a very altered state since my last "window" and I need to believe it can get back to normal. Thank you Emonda, it's hard to fight both withdrawal and panic surrounding war, covids and floods here (even though I don't watch the news).

 

2 hours ago, Catina7 said:

You're headed toward healing.  If you're breathing, you're healing.  According to your signature you just entered your acute WD phase at the beginning of this month.  Sometimes things get worse before they get better.  Your brain is just trying to figure everything out, but it will in time.  You're young and have many years ahead of you.  Keep getting your rest, which is what your body needs right now.  Sometimes "doing absolutely nothing" is the best course of action.  

 

Try to keep yourself calm and hopeful.  Sending you a big cyber HUG!  💜

I think I lost track of what's going on with my recovery. Start of the year, clearly immediate adverse reaction and first two months were acute, with third showing some improvements and fourth showing really big progress. After crash that I interpreted as late onset protracted withdrawal, each month gets worse and worse. Possibly dropping hormones 2 months ago caused yet another crash and now I'm here. If not, then I'm just acute for almost half a year now, still on the worsening part of hyperbole. I guess that's still what I can heal from, but I just start to see some really bizzare symptoms, that I can barely even label as such. I put my faith in time, but my July self would completely give up if he saw me now.

 

I turned 26 last month and I know my neuroplasticity is still promising. Nobody outsmarted their own healing timeline. I keep telling myself that the thoughts of acting irrationally, harming others or being ill are not real, but it's like brain going with full conviction that they are anyways. I stay in the moment just so anxious mind doesn't produce false predictions, yet it still needs to put me through so much. Maybe I'm just scared of acting wierd. Maybe some ideas I'm having are not mine and I just can't process what I identify with and what not. Sorry, I'm mentally lost under all this. I felt that my body goes through climax two nights ago and it didn't. That's how real it can feel without being real. I don't want to be a burden cause no matter what happens, my direction stays the same: I won't be harmed or psychotic under that, and will heal with time.

 

Thank you for the hug, you're doing so much for others. I wish I could be more helpful to my angels, but lately so scared and so tired. I hope you know how big of a difference you create on this site.

[Jaffa]

You are so beautiful @BaccatePlayer❤️

[Sonia009]

@BaccatePlayerThinking about you and praying for your recovery, just try and look after yourself.😊🙏

[Emonda]

On 9/16/2024 at 9:45 PM, Catina7 said:

You're headed toward healing.  If you're breathing, you're healing.  According to your signature you just entered your acute WD phase at the beginning of this month.  Sometimes things get worse before they get better.  Your brain is just trying to figure everything out, but it will in time.  You're young and have many years ahead of you.  Keep getting your rest, which is what your body needs right now.  Sometimes "doing absolutely nothing" is the best course of action.  

 

Try to keep yourself calm and hopeful.  Sending you a big cyber HUG!  💜

 

Great words, @Catina7!

 

17 hours ago, BaccatePlayer said:

I turned 26 last month and I know my neuroplasticity is still promising.

 

26...just a youngster! I'm almost double that. I am slowly recovering from these pills, and so will you.

[BaccatePlayer]

On 9/16/2024 at 1:52 PM, Jaffa said:

Holding you in my heart and thoughts . The advice above is so perfect. absolutely nothing is required from you right now. Keep holding on and keep talking to us. The warmest of hugs. 

Yes, my sun, it surely is. The agitated nervous system wants me to react, but there is no threat. I just need to be there and don't buy into the lies of anxiety. Even outside withdrawal, I was probably overstimulated. Parents always say that I'm wierd and hard case, and that doctors don't know what to do with me. I appreciate you remembering about me. Hugging tightly.

4 hours ago, Jaffa said:

You are so beautiful @BaccatePlayer❤️

Thank you! I became the smallest I've been in the past decade. Lost so much weight that my long dropped clothes are fitting now. I always engaged in personal beauty. Scars and moles had always been my biggest insecurities. I would often wear really bright colors like neon green, sky blue, yellow, pink, orange, purple or red tops, always with collar, often with some eye-catching gradients or patterns. Basically walking as "what if childish, vibrant avant garde met the maximally formal style" figure. It got me a nickname "chairman" because I always had messenger bag and a watered-down-suit-like outfit. I used to play in theatre too. Last time I played a bridegroom in "The Wedding". All that feels so distant in this withdrawal storm. I hope I'll eventually get back to working out, going out and doing everything I used to.

[Celeste1990]

@BaccatePlayer I think about you often and how helpful you are to this community. I hope you’re doing ok ❤️ 

[BaccatePlayer]

21 hours ago, Sonia009 said:

@BaccatePlayerThinking about you and praying for your recovery, just try and look after yourself.😊🙏

Hi there! Thank you, I think I'm doing what I can. Sleep is mostly alright and I don't skip meals. I hope you can find some relief too, your journey is so long. I can't imagine myself in such circumstances like yours, knowing there's still tapering ahead, but you even went through withdrawal before and healed. This always worried me, because I already feel like I'm going through so much, coping extremely terribly, and there may still be so many different diseases, accidents and upsets in my future. Headaches, sinuses pain, and dizziness are pressing me today, but I think the worst are those completely wierd symptoms. Maybe it's cognitive confusion or DP/DR but just the way I look at things around me, think of myself, other people, it's just so broken. As if brain was totally unsure how to even interpret the signals. Everything mismatched badly with my nervous system. There are endless ways I can feel it, but probably just a few external manifestations of it (mostly it would be panic or pain). Really hoping it ends before I completely lose myself in the process.

 

19 hours ago, Emonda said:

26...just a youngster! I'm almost double that. I am slowly recovering from these pills, and so will you.

That's right, I often feel one of the youngest here. I think ScaredDad was around 30, he came from rich family, so he had access to any specialist he could want, but even with that, our recoveries just can't be played on quick-sim. If there was a different way, I believe someone would already figure. Neighbour Bob said, when symptoms keep getting more and more severe, the healing accelerates. This supposedly is a path of rapid healers: reaching such intensity only to recover completely within day(s). Linear improvement would be rather long in my case, so hopefully it's like that. I saw a few people on SA in their 20s who healed in less than a year. I wish I could at least not be in such acute state. I will soon need to start working. With my everpresent phobia, it would already be difficult, but with all these symptoms, I can't even imagine. I'm sure we can get back to normal eventually, there were users over 80 years old here, with additional diseases and complicated stories, on drugs for 30+ years, undergoing cold turkey withdrawal and adverse reactions, and they still managed to have their organisms restored to factory settings. I'm looking forward to turn around the corner because I don't know how it could get even worse from current point. Akathisia maybe, or PSSD, but hopefully not.

[Tale]

Hello @BaccatePlayer,

I've been reading your thread and I'm very sorry you are struggling so much. I can relate to a lot of the things you are going through. These drugs change your perspective and make you think weirdly and irrationally. There isn't much we can do, but wait. I also spend most of my days on my bed. It sucks, but I imagine myself as if I had the worst virus ever and I needed to rest a lot to heal.

2 hours ago, BaccatePlayer said:

That's right, I often feel one of the youngest here.

I am younger than you if that helps We are not alone. There are a lot of people our age suffering from this. We will make it. One day this will be over and you will not believe it. I hope you feel better soon ❤️

[Sonia009]

@BaccatePlayer I wouldn't think about future diseases, illnesses etc, why cause more stress, just deal with it on a day to day basis. I know symptoms are scary but others here have come out the other side so there is hope. I'm not brave, I get scary symptoms too but I read stories and the advice given here that gives me strength and encouragement to carry on, yours included. One day at a time my friend. Sending my best .🙏😊

[BaccatePlayer]

9 hours ago, Celeste1990 said:

@BaccatePlayer I think about you often and how helpful you are to this community. I hope you’re doing ok ❤️ 

I think about you too. It's been almost half a year since I'm feeling my symptoms getting more and more acute, but it is completely understandable and expected as it seems. One of my friends healed from adverse reaction after 3 months, the other one after 4 months, but I've seen users over 1.5 years clean struggling heavily. The "I was the worst at the very end" theme is also really common. This community has a very poor helpers-to-in need for help ratio, so I try to add anything whenever I can. The fear can be so overwhelming that really one should not be left to think for themselves the whole time. I hope you're close to finishing line. People with families and jobs somehow manage all this, I'm under "single student" category and feeling guilty for complaining so much.

 

1 minute ago, Tale said:

Hello @BaccatePlayer,

I've been reading your thread and I'm very sorry you are struggling so much. I can relate to a lot of the things you are going through. These drugs change your perspective and make you think weirdly and irrationally. There isn't much we can do, but wait. I also spend most of my days on my bed. It sucks, but I imagine myself as if I had the worst virus ever and I needed to rest a lot to heal.

Hi! Thank you homie, I feel like blacking out often, completely clueless about how my mind was even going on and off between such wierd states. It enhances panic when I tell myself things like "your mind will not think clearly now, but trust that it will in the future" though. It's probably the fear of unknown. I can't even rely on "after 9 months I should be at least over the worst".

2 minutes ago, Tale said:

I am younger than you if that helps We are not alone. There are a lot of people our age suffering from this. We will make it. One day this will be over and you will not believe it. I hope you feel better soon ❤️

I know a few users younger than me and it's really sad that our organisms went through so much damage already. Those who recovered were either done or almost done by the time I waited sofar, but I guess for anyone who went through it was "too severe" and "too long" from their perspective regardless of how we'd compare it. More functionality would come in handy, but for now, I'm just playing with the cards I'm having. Thank you for reaching out, I'm supporting your recovery too!

[Emonda]

Hey BC,

I know I commented on you being 'young' compared to me...although my youngest would consider you 'old' 🙃 (perspective). I want to clarify that I see this as a positive.

 

What I was getting at is that you will beat this and have a long life ahead of you to enjoy post ADs. For me, I hope to be off these things before retirement, and start a new chapter...somewhat later in life.

 

I hope no offence was taken 👍