KateH: Intro

[KateH]

On 5/14/2024 at 6:13 PM, Catwoman73 said:

 Looking back now, knowing what I now know, I have such compassion and sadness for the younger me.  I was just a traumatized kid who never learned healthy coping and communication skills.

Your words summarize my experience as well. In the 80's, there was no knowledge and support available for addressing trauma. experiences. Having compassion for myself has been a turning point in my recovery process. The self-hatred ran deep. Turning that ship around is a daily endeavor, made easier by being in community with others traveling a similar path.  I am so grateful for the support and resources available today, as well. 

On 5/14/2024 at 6:13 PM, Catwoman73 said:

've lived in various states of depersonalization/derealization for 30 years

It is only recently, since going through Gabapentin withdrawal, that I have learned more about these states. All these years I have lumped everything into the depression/anxiety/PTSD pot, and not looked at the nuanced states of mind, like disassociating. Understanding these mental states, and how to manage them without being drugged, is very empowering. That, and days when I have more windows than waves, gives me hope. Something I had lost during the most difficult withdrawal symptoms. 

 

On 5/14/2024 at 6:13 PM, Catwoman73 said:

 I truly believe that acceptance, and learning to roll with it makes the process much easier.

Indeed! 

I have a long history of denying reality. I am learning to connect with the parts of me that don't want things to be as they are. Using IFS to connect, understand, and care for that part. "Learning to roll with it", allowing, is the kinder, gentler way to live. 

 

[Catwoman73]

Hi @KateH!  Just getting back on my feet from a horrible GI bug.  Just what I needed, with everything else going on lol!  I'm still super weak and shaky.  I won't be doing much this weekend, that's for sure!

 

You and I seem to be in a very similar headspace.  I feel like I've learned so much.  Looking back on my life, it's like all the puzzle pieces have just clicked into place.  I completely understand how I got here, why I reacted to things the way I did over the years, and I can see a clear path ahead of me to wellness.  I'm actually excited to see who I become on the other side.  Not saying I don't have bad days- there are plenty of those.  But just accepting it has helped me get past them quicker. 

 

How are you doing today?  I hope you're getting some windows, and enjoying your travels a bit!

 

[KateH]

Hi @Catwoman73 I hope this note finds you feeling much better! I am sorry you were ill. I hope the weekend was restful and restorative for you. 

I am doing well this morning. Windows are getting longer, Waves are diminishing. I am so grateful that I am experiencing good health, especially in Istanbul. It is such a fascinating city. Some days I take naps....in ferry terminals and subways. Deep rest makes such a profound difference in how I feel. I wonder if the exhaustion is a part of the dysautonomia constellation of symptoms. I have been reading with interest recently about your experiences of it, as well as others. I am pretty sure that is what is going on with me. Learning about this has been a relief, even though nothing can be done, except managing symptoms. I am learning more here than from any medical provider I have encountered thus far and I am grateful for that. 

On another note, I am pretty sure a person I am very close to is neurodivergent. Now, I am trying to learn everything possible about that! Especially how to accept the condition and the best way to go forward. Like prescription drug withdrawal, it is something I have never known much about. I am looking for resources/support online. If you have any guidance on good, solid information, I would appreciate it. 

Hope the sun is shining brightly today in Canada! 

 

 

[Tweed9674]

4 hours ago, KateH said:

Hi @Catwoman73 I hope this note finds you feeling much better! I am sorry you were ill. I hope the weekend was restful and restorative for you. 

I am doing well this morning. Windows are getting longer, Waves are diminishing. I am so grateful that I am experiencing good health, especially in Istanbul. It is such a fascinating city. Some days I take naps....in ferry terminals and subways. Deep rest makes such a profound difference in how I feel. I wonder if the exhaustion is a part of the dysautonomia constellation of symptoms. I have been reading with interest recently about your experiences of it, as well as others. I am pretty sure that is what is going on with me. Learning about this has been a relief, even though nothing can be done, except managing symptoms. I am learning more here than from any medical provider I have encountered thus far and I am grateful for that.

It is SO GOOD too read that you are starting to have better windows!!!

 

This makes me very happy!!!

[Catwoman73]

5 hours ago, KateH said:

Hi @Catwoman73 I hope this note finds you feeling much better! I am sorry you were ill. I hope the weekend was restful and restorative for you. 

I am doing well this morning. Windows are getting longer, Waves are diminishing. I am so grateful that I am experiencing good health, especially in Istanbul. It is such a fascinating city. Some days I take naps....in ferry terminals and subways. Deep rest makes such a profound difference in how I feel. I wonder if the exhaustion is a part of the dysautonomia constellation of symptoms. I have been reading with interest recently about your experiences of it, as well as others. I am pretty sure that is what is going on with me. Learning about this has been a relief, even though nothing can be done, except managing symptoms. I am learning more here than from any medical provider I have encountered thus far and I am grateful for that. 

On another note, I am pretty sure a person I am very close to is neurodivergent. Now, I am trying to learn everything possible about that! Especially how to accept the condition and the best way to go forward. Like prescription drug withdrawal, it is something I have never known much about. I am looking for resources/support online. If you have any guidance on good, solid information, I would appreciate it. 

Hope the sun is shining brightly today in Canada! 

 

 

Fatigue is most definitely part of dysautonomia!  This page has some great info on the different types of dysautonomia and their symptoms, primary vs. secondary, etc:

 

https://thedysautonomiaproject.org/dysautonomia/

 

I get the napping in strange places... I nap in the car, at family gatherings... when I can't stay awake, I just can't stay awake!  

 

I'm so glad to hear you're doing a bit better and getting a chance to enjoy your travels!  That's great news!   I admit, I'm a bit envious lol- I've done some travelling, but nowhere near enough to fully satisfy my curiosity about the world.  Someday, I suppose.  I'm sending my daughter on a school trip to Italy and Greece next year- she wants me to come, and I would love to go, but finances just won't allow it as long as I'm on disability.  But I'm glad she's getting the opportunities that I never did.

 

I don't have a lot of resources for neurodivergence... I'm in a couple of Facebook groups for ADHD- trying desperately to understand my husband and my daughter lol.  My thinking process is so radically different from theirs, I sometimes lose patience with their absentmindedness, leaving crap all over the house, etc.  I'm trying my best to be patient lol.  I think I need to do more research myself in order to see what I can do to help them, if anything.  My daughter is on medication, and knowing what I know now, I'd like to get her off.  She won't be taking it in the summer- I hope to use that as a gateway to trying to get off of it permanently.  I have a lot of regret about going that way in the first place.  I should have fought for better accommodation in school rather than drugging her up and creating a robot that is acceptable to the school system.  I thought it was the right decision at the time, and even she agrees that it was super helpful.  But I'm struggling with it, but trying to remind myself that I made the best decision I could at the time.  She's such a great kid- I just want her to own her beautiful, creative mind, and not have to shove it into a box. 

 

Oh- a super fun thing to follow on Facebook regarding neurodivergence is The Holderness Family.  The husband has severe ADHD, and he's awesome- super creative and fun, and they make awesome videos that make me laugh.  The wife is also perimenopausal, so I can definitely relate to that craziness.  They are parenting teenagers as well, so they make lots of funny videos about the generational gap.  It's not necessarily an informational thing, but would give you some laughs!

[KateH]

3 hours ago, Tweed9674 said:

It is SO GOOD too read that you are starting to have better windows!!!

 

This makes me very happy!!!

You are so kind. Many thanks. @Tweed9674

[KateH]

19 hours ago, Catwoman73 said:

I made the best decision I could at the time

You did make the best decision at the time @Catwoman73. I went through the same experience with my son, who is now 31. He was diagnosed with primarily inattentive ADHD at around 13 years old and started on meds.  He was able to get through a prestigious engineering school with the help of the meds but he eventually stopped taking them because of the side effects.  Now, he doesn't have any signs/symptoms of the disorder and is a pretty high-functioning fellow. One of his doctors, MD, and anthropologist, mentioned that he did not think his condition needed to be medicated, and that it was a part of the normal developmental process that pre-teens go through. I tend to agree with him now, but went with the meds, therapy route, and getting special accommodations for him at school. Does your daughter complain of side effects? She may find that she does OK by going off during her trip. How old is she? 

Thanks for the link to the dysautonomia website. It has been beneficial. Do you think dysautonomia and Long covid have a lot of similarities? How is the LDN working since you switched the timing? 

I am following the FB page you recommended. What a positive spin it places on these conditions. It is refreshing to have it presented this way, instead of all the negatives. Slowly, slowly these conditions are being de-stigmatized. 

With my improved health, I have been getting out more recently and seeing some amazing places in Istanbul. 

Today is quiet, though, I have a few calls with friends and just hanging out with my husband at home. Hoping your day will be full of windows! 

[Catwoman73]

4 hours ago, KateH said:

You did make the best decision at the time @Catwoman73. I went through the same experience with my son, who is now 31. He was diagnosed with primarily inattentive ADHD at around 13 years old and started on meds.  He was able to get through a prestigious engineering school with the help of the meds but he eventually stopped taking them because of the side effects.  Now, he doesn't have any signs/symptoms of the disorder and is a pretty high-functioning fellow. One of his doctors, MD, and anthropologist, mentioned that he did not think his condition needed to be medicated, and that it was a part of the normal developmental process that pre-teens go through. I tend to agree with him now, but went with the meds, therapy route, and getting special accommodations for him at school. Does your daughter complain of side effects? She may find that she does OK by going off during her trip. How old is she? 

Thanks for the link to the dysautonomia website. It has been beneficial. Do you think dysautonomia and Long covid have a lot of similarities? How is the LDN working since you switched the timing? 

I am following the FB page you recommended. What a positive spin it places on these conditions. It is refreshing to have it presented this way, instead of all the negatives. Slowly, slowly these conditions are being de-stigmatized. 

With my improved health, I have been getting out more recently and seeing some amazing places in Istanbul. 

Today is quiet, though, I have a few calls with friends and just hanging out with my husband at home. Hoping your day will be full of windows! 

My daughter is turning 15 in June.  Her biggest complaints these days is fatigue, headache, and extreme sensitivity to sensory stuff.  I have no idea if that is the drug, just being a teenager, or if she might have a touch of long covid as well.  She also has some palpitations like I do.  

 

Interestingly, she has absolutely no difficulty with her focus when she is doing something she enjoys- art, musical theatre- anything creative.  So I think it makes sense that your son was able to get off the meds and function well, now that he isn't forced to take courses etc that he doesn't want to take.  If she could just take English and artistic courses at school, I guarantee that the meds would be completely unnecessary.  Personally, I wish that teachers had the time to adapt their teaching methods to help individual kids succeed in a way that makes sense for them.  Math, for example- they teach these kids 100 different ways to do a single problem.  And every kid has to learn to do the problem in every way that it can be solved.  For someone with ADHD, that is incredibly overwhelming.  Why not present different ways of solving a problem, and let the kid decide which one works best for them?  I homeschooled my daughter for two years during the peak of the pandemic, and she did GREAT when I was teaching her math.  I showed her different ways of doing things, and told her to pick the one that made the most sense to her.  

 

Re: dysautonomia- my theory is that every single person who has long covid has some degree of dysautonomia.  There are other symptoms that we have, too, but I think dysautonomia is just part of the constellation of symptoms.  And it seems to manifest in slightly different ways in all of us- I don't meet the criteria for POTS, but I absolutely have orthostatic hypotension.  I would say mine is moderate, but some people are so severe that they can't get out of bed.  It makes me very grateful that I'm not worse- at least I can get up and have a shower every day! 

 

The LDN is fine now- I'm having no issues with it at all.  I think that it may actually be helping my brain fog a little bit as well, which is great news.  I just increased my dose to 1.5mg last week.  I'm taking it super slow, so it doesn't interfere with my escitalopram taper- that's my #1 priority.  I firmly believe that my nervous system needs to heal from the antidepressants and the long covid all at once.  My gut says that those drugs are damaging my nervous system in ways that make healing more difficult.  That's part of the reason I decided now was the time to taper.  The other is that I have a slightly prolonged QTc now, and as you know, that's no joke.  I also have a constant first degree heart block, and an intermittent second degree heart block... so you can imagine how interesting my ECG looks lol.  I'm hoping to reverse all of that by allowing my nervous system to fully heal from all the abuse it has taken over the years. 

 

I'm so happy to hear you're getting out and about now that you're starting to feel a bit more human!  These are the stories that we all need to read!  There's nothing wrong with a quiet day now and then, and it's always nice to connect with friends, especially when you've been gone for so long.  Enjoy your day, and we'll chat again soon!

[Jaffa]

@KateH Sorry if Iv'e got this wrong. Have been scrolling your feed but can't find the post I'm looking for. Some days ago someone, I think it was you, mentioned something about contemplating neurodiversity in a person they are close too? Sorry . Was this you?

[KateH]

5 hours ago, Jaffa said:

contemplating neurodiversity in a person they are close too

Hi @Jaffa, Yes, that was me. 

 

[KateH]

23 hours ago, Catwoman73 said:

Interestingly, she has absolutely no difficulty with her focus when she is doing something she enjoys- art, musical theatre- anything creative.

What I understand about ADHD is that this phenomenon is characteristic of Primarily Inattentive ADHD. My son was the same way. He did not have hyperactivity or impulsiveness, just the inability to stay focused if the object of attention was not interesting to him. It seems to be something he has outgrown, fortunately. 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attention_deficit_hyperactivity_disorder_predominantly_inattentive

On 5/21/2024 at 6:55 PM, Catwoman73 said:

Why not present different ways of solving a problem, and let the kid decide which one works best for them?

Your success with homeschooling your daughter reminds me that a failure of our school system is thinking that one approach fits all. When you worked one-on-one with your daughter, giving her options about how to solve a math problem, she succeeded because she was given choices. Sadly, that is not typically available in the public school system. Instead of tailoring teaching to the child, one approach fits all is utilized, thus pathologizing the child who may not be amendable to that one approach. 

On 5/21/2024 at 6:55 PM, Catwoman73 said:

I would say mine is moderate

I would say my symptoms are moderate as well. During the worst of withdrawal, however, I was unable to sit or stand and went from couch to bed, all day long. Today I was lightheaded all day while we were out. I only felt relief when I came home and could lie down (which I have been doing ever since). Have you ever experienced fainting spells? Yes, so many of these things can be worse. I am grateful as well that this is not a severe problem. 

On 5/21/2024 at 6:55 PM, Catwoman73 said:

 I'm hoping to reverse all of that by allowing my nervous system to fully heal from all the abuse it has taken over the years. 

I hope the tapering and LDN will work together to decrease the arrhythmias. Do you experience chest pain or SOB? Are you on any cardiac drugs for your arrhythmias? You sound like you are relatively young to be experiencing heart arrhythmias.... and that by tapering and allowing your nervous system to reset (heal) these conditions might fade away. Time will tell. I hope so. 

I appreciate your sharing your journey with me. Thank you for taking the time to share here with me and with others in this space. I have learned a lot from you and appreciate your support. 

 

[Catwoman73]

22 hours ago, KateH said:

I would say my symptoms are moderate as well. During the worst of withdrawal, however, I was unable to sit or stand and went from couch to bed, all day long. Today I was lightheaded all day while we were out. I only felt relief when I came home and could lie down (which I have been doing ever since). Have you ever experienced fainting spells? Yes, so many of these things can be worse. I am grateful as well that this is not a severe problem. 

I hope the tapering and LDN will work together to decrease the arrhythmias. Do you experience chest pain or SOB? Are you on any cardiac drugs for your arrhythmias? You sound like you are relatively young to be experiencing heart arrhythmias.... and that by tapering and allowing your nervous system to reset (heal) these conditions might fade away. Time will tell. I hope so. 

I appreciate your sharing your journey with me. Thank you for taking the time to share here with me and with others in this space. I have learned a lot from you and appreciate your support. 

 

I have never fainted.  I have lost my balance and fallen when the world goes black after standing up too quickly, but I've never actually lost consciousness.  Thankfully.

 

And I'm not taking anything for the arrhythmias.  In fact, I've been completely blown off- cardiology discharged me.  They had some excuse for everything.  First degree HB is because I'm athletic.  But don't worry- it won't likely progress to second degree HB.  Then it did.  Then they just say that it won't hurt me (it is Mobitz 1).  Even though there are studies showing that Mobitz 1 should absolutely be treated in people under 60, because it's much more likely to progress to more malignant arrhythmias in younger people.  And the prolonged Qtc- well, it's only SLIGHTLY prolonged, so we'll just monitor it. 🙄 It's like they're looking at the issues separately, rather than looking at the whole picture, and saying that there's something funky going on electrically in this woman's heart.  I almost wish I would lose consciousness lol- that would get their attention!  In terms of symptoms, I do get some mild chest discomfort from time to time, and I have TERRIBLE SOBOE.  Along with the cyanosis.  Actually, I totally forgot- I do have nitro spray for chest pain, but it doesn't seem to do anything, other than make my headaches worse lol.  So I stopped using it.  I keep it with me all the time, but haven't even tried using it for over a year.

 

Like I said, I hope that getting off the drugs will help.  In the meantime, I play the game- I just keep letting my doctor know what's happening with me, and try not to worry too much about it.  Worry doesn't help, that's for sure!

 

I completely understand the moving from couch to bed and back.  That was basically the first year of my long covid experience.  And I do think I'll likely have some periods like that in my tapering journey.  I'm ok with whatever this adventure throws at me, though lol- I'm a tough chick, I can handle it!  I hope you're having a good day today, and are out and about, free of lightheadedness.  I know how that can make even the best day very challenging! 

[KateH]

20 hours ago, Catwoman73 said:

I just keep letting my doctor know what's happening with me,

At this point, there is not much more you can do, except keep telling your doctor. Document! Document! Document! That was drilled into me as a nurse. As a patient, your experience must get into your medical records. If something happens down the road, it will be there in black and white and your doctor will be on the hook for any negative outcome. I am so glad to hear you have not blacked out! 

20 hours ago, Catwoman73 said:

I'm ok with whatever this adventure throws at me, though lol- I'm a tough chick, I can handle it

I love your confidence!! It is so inspiring for me. I tend to wander down the path of negativity and pessimism, I have a lot to learn from you! No lightheadedness today, just tired. I am spending another day in. And, like you said before, that's OK to do! Hope you have a wonderful start to your weekend. When is your upcoming trip?

[Catwoman73]

3 hours ago, KateH said:

At this point, there is not much more you can do, except keep telling your doctor. Document! Document! Document! That was drilled into me as a nurse. As a patient, your experience must get into your medical records. If something happens down the road, it will be there in black and white and your doctor will be on the hook for any negative outcome. I am so glad to hear you have not blacked out! 

I love your confidence!! It is so inspiring for me. I tend to wander down the path of negativity and pessimism, I have a lot to learn from you! No lightheadedness today, just tired. I am spending another day in. And, like you said before, that's OK to do! Hope you have a wonderful start to your weekend. When is your upcoming trip?

Yup- when I was working, I remember saying those very words lol- document everything!!!  I think my doctor is completely sick of me, but I don't really care.  I've always liked him, but after he gaslit me for the first six months of my long covid journey, I've been quite shocked and disappointed.  I feel the need to protect myself now, rather than counting on him to protect me.  It's sad, but that seems to be the way these days.  I'm so disillusioned with the whole medical system now.  I can't imagine being an RT again at this point, because I think it would almost be more traumatic to be a part of that system, after everything I've been through.  I think if I'm ever able to work again,  I might choose to eventually give up my licence and become a ward clerk or something, just so I can keep contributing to my pension.  And then retire at 55 with my reduced pension.  It's only 3 1/2 years away now... I think I can manage that.

 

My confidence comes exclusively from journaling my life history, and reading it over and over again.  I tell you, with everything I've survived, there is absolutely no way in hell I won't survive this!  I used to have a much more negative outlook, but the act of writing about all the crap life has thrown my way has made me see things so clearly.  I'm a survivor, and I'm now in a safe place in my life where I can heal, and find real meaning and joy.  It's a bit exciting, really.  Yes, it's a bumpy ride, but it's nothing I haven't faced many times before!

 

We aren't travelling until July, which is great.  We can get through all the crazy that comes with the month of May (so many school functions, dance recitals, etc), and recover a bit before heading out east.  Hopefully, I'll be rested and actually enjoy the trip.  My niece's wedding last threw me into a week long crash, where I couldn't even get out of bed- if this goes even slightly better than that did, it will be a win!

 

So glad you've found a bit of relief from the lightheadedness.  I hope you enjoy your weekend as well, and you're getting some sunshine!!!

[KateH]

On 5/24/2024 at 6:22 PM, Catwoman73 said:

 I feel the need to protect myself now, rather than counting on him to protect me.  It's sad, but that seems to be the way these days.

The experience of withdrawing from psych meds has changed my entire worldview on our healthcare system. I now question everything I have ever been told about depression/anxiety/CPTSD. For decades, psychiatrists were my go-to for feeling better. I did not know that came with risks that were never elucidated. What a lesson to be learning late in life! Wish I had known earlier, but no need to bemoan what is. 

 

On 5/24/2024 at 6:22 PM, Catwoman73 said:

I'm a survivor, and I'm now in a safe place in my life where I can heal, and find real meaning and joy.

I am a survivor, I am in a safe place, and I can heal. These thoughts bring hope and healing. There is an internal shift when I contemplate these truths. I so appreciate your sharing your healing journey here. I hope you know how much of a positive impact you have... How wonderful that journaling has been so transformative for you. I am not a consistent journaler, but when I do, I see things more clearly. 

On 5/24/2024 at 6:22 PM, Catwoman73 said:

 My niece's wedding last threw me into a week long crash, where I couldn't even get out of bed- if this goes even slightly better than that did, it will be a win!

I like how you frame a "win" that even a slight improvement is progress. Again, framing life in a way that encourages and supports. I appreciate all you share. 

Enjoying Istanbul. Lots of sunshine and incredible places to visit. Hope your weekend is going well! 

[Catwoman73]

11 hours ago, KateH said:

The experience of withdrawing from psych meds has changed my entire worldview on our healthcare system. I now question everything I have ever been told about depression/anxiety/CPTSD. For decades, psychiatrists were my go-to for feeling better. I did not know that came with risks that were never elucidated. What a lesson to be learning late in life! Wish I had known earlier, but no need to bemoan what is. 

So much for informed consent, right?  I mean, a surgeon would never cut without telling you all the potential complications of an operation, yet psychiatrists have zero problems prescribing these drugs.  And not only do they not tell you what you might be in for, most of them don't even KNOW!  That's what's so alarming.  And it certainly does make you question what you are being told by other specialties as well.  Sadly I'm a very skeptical person now, and have serious cognitive dissonance about going to work in the medical field again.  

 

I'm so glad to hear you're enjoying Istanbul!  Where are you off to next???

[KateH]

16 hours ago, Catwoman73 said:

it certainly does make you question what you are being told by other specialties as well.  Sadly I'm a very skeptical person now

This experience has made me question everything as well. It reminds me of when I was a teenager and my whole world fell apart. All of a sudden, illness (both mental and physical) shows up in both parents. I felt abandonment and betrayal. I could no longer trust them to guide, support, or care for me. That is exactly how I think about the healthcare system I have faithfully adhered to and believed my whole life.  In the same way, I learned not to rely on my caretakers, I am learning not to take everything as gospel truth from health care providers. I, too, would have cognitive dissonance going back to work, thankfully that is off the table! 

We are going to Albania in mid-June. We only have three months in the EU countries (Schengen visa for Americans) then have to stay out for three months before returning. Thus, we are in Turkey, and off to Albania! Hope all is well. I have had several "normal" days...Amid the worst withdrawal, I never imagined I would, or could, get better. Someone on this site was the first to reassure me that I would. That was priceless. It gave me hope when I had none. 

 

[Catwoman73]

4 hours ago, KateH said:

This experience has made me question everything as well. It reminds me of when I was a teenager and my whole world fell apart. All of a sudden, illness (both mental and physical) shows up in both parents. I felt abandonment and betrayal. I could no longer trust them to guide, support, or care for me. That is exactly how I think about the healthcare system I have faithfully adhered to and believed my whole life.  In the same way, I learned not to rely on my caretakers, I am learning not to take everything as gospel truth from health care providers. I, too, would have cognitive dissonance going back to work, thankfully that is off the table! 

We are going to Albania in mid-June. We only have three months in the EU countries (Schengen visa for Americans) then have to stay out for three months before returning. Thus, we are in Turkey, and off to Albania! Hope all is well. I have had several "normal" days...Amid the worst withdrawal, I never imagined I would, or could, get better. Someone on this site was the first to reassure me that I would. That was priceless. It gave me hope when I had none. 

 

My parents were never there for me in the way I needed them to be as well.  That's the root of all the mental health struggles for me.  They did the best they could, but they were both damaged from their own trauma.  I can totally see how trauma gets passed down from generation to generation now- I hope I'm breaking the cycle with my daughter, but I do worry.  Before I recognized all of this crap for what it is, I feel I wasn't the best mom.  I lacked patience and understanding much of the time.  I have talked to my daughter about it, and apologized.  But the guilt is there.  I can only hope that, going forward, I can do better, and she grows up more resilient than I ever was in my youth. 

 

Albania sounds exciting!  Hopefully those normal days continue to increase in number, and you'll be able to fully enjoy your time there.  What do you plan to do with your time when your travels are all over?  That's my big fear about retirement lol... I don't want to fall into a funk when the excitement about not having to go to work anymore wears off.  I think having a plan is soooo important for mental health reasons.  Being from Colorado- do you ski?  I took up skiing when my daughter was young- she snowboards, so I wanted to be on the slopes with her, rather than watching from the bottom.  I miss it- haven't been able to ski since long covid hit.. I just don't have the stamina anymore. 

[FireflyFyte]

On 5/27/2024 at 6:33 AM, KateH said:

I have had several "normal" days...Amid the worst withdrawal, I never imagined I would, or could, get better. Someone on this site was the first to reassure me that I would. That was priceless. It gave me hope when I had none. 

 

I am glad to read that you are improving, Kate. I hope you have more and more "normal" and better days ahead.

[Tweed9674]

On 5/27/2024 at 6:33 AM, KateH said:

I have had several "normal" days...Amid the worst withdrawal, I never imagined I would, or could, get better. Someone on this site was the first to reassure me that I would. That was priceless. It gave me hope when I had none. 

❤️❤️ This is fantastic to read.

 

 

[KateH]

11 minutes ago, Tweed9674 said:

This is fantastic to read.

Deep bow, big hug, eternal thanks. 

[KateH]

14 hours ago, FireflyFyte said:

I am glad to read that you are improving, Kate. I hope you have more and more "normal" and better days ahead.

Thank you for your invaluable support and kindness @FireflyFyte

[KateH]

On 5/27/2024 at 6:02 PM, Catwoman73 said:

I hope I'm breaking the cycle with my daughter, but I do worry.

I thought of the affirmation " I am breaking the cycle of addiction with my ______" You have made amends. You are changing your behavior. You are breaking the cycle. The generational trauma stops with you. How blessed/fortunate to have the wherewithal and agency to say no to unhelpful coping strategies and a resounding yes to healing.  I, too, have made verbal amends to my son. Making the living amends is the task at hand... of being present, available, kind, and compassionate. I also put myself in the affirmation. Addictions were my survival mechanism. I am learning a different way now. 

On 5/27/2024 at 6:02 PM, Catwoman73 said:

What do you plan to do with your time when your travels are all over?

My husband asked that same question the other day! He most likely would return to work. I, however, am done with work. I don't know is the honest answer. I guess I would be doing the things I was doing before I left the States last July. Doing volunteer work in 12-step groups, volunteering in the community, connecting with friends, gardening. Indeed, having a plan is important and I like to leave space for what unfolds, the unexpected, the novel, and the different. I guess that is why I love living abroad. I am constantly presented with not knowing and navigating a new culture, language, or neighborhood. 

I do not ski. I am approaching 70 and want to keep all bones intact. That is nice that you skied with your daughter.  As my son got older, being together frequently meant joining him in his interests. Music, video games, hiking. Just never got on the slopes with him. You DO have dance! I think that is amazing - good exercise and an outlet for creativity. Hoping your performance goes well. 

[Catwoman73]

Just checking in... I hope you've continued to improve @KateH!

 

Your plan for retirement sounds perfect!  I've been dreaming of retirement for years lol... I want to do volunteer work with animals, and maybe continue to work part time at something I actually enjoy.  I've thought of becoming a yoga instructor, or a dance teacher.  I also have a strong desire to write a book- that is definitely a project that will have to wait until my brain heals a bit more lol!

 

I don't entirely blame you for not skiing, and worrying about keeping your body intact.  I tore my MCL and meniscus while skiing a few years back.  I was all alone on the hill when I took a nasty tumble.  I wasn't even going fast- I was just starting a run.  I felt something go in my knee.  I sat there waiting for someone to come by who could alert ski patrol to get me off the hill, but it was a quiet day, and there was literally no one around.  Eventually, the initial shot of pain eventually wore off, and I was getting cold, so I got up and somehow skied down to the bottom on my very broken knee lol.  Adrenaline can do amazing things.  It wasn't until an hour later that I realized just how bad it was.  Fortunately, it wasn't a complete tear, and did not require surgery, but I've not been the same since!!!

[KateH]

Hi, @Catwoman73 how inspiring to hear of all the dreams you have for retirement! I am unsure what your book topic will be, but you are an excellent writer, wise, and kind...wonderful traits to possess! 

Your episode skiing, being injured, and being alone would be my worst nightmare. Glad to hear you could muster up the ability to get down the mountain and get care. 

I have been back at "baseline" for several weeks now. Clarity of thought (most of the time), stamina, and ability to manage stressors have returned. These are things I no longer take for granted. Before WD, I took them all for granted. Not anymore. 

I am in discernment about next steps. I have been on antidepressants for four decades. Unlike most people here, I was not having adverse effects (that I know of). It wasn't until I was unable to get a refill while traveling, and tapered much too quickly, that I experienced acute withdrawals. I am soon to be 68 years old. I am on three antidepressants. Part of me does not want to spend the later years of my life trying to taper... going through the process. Plus, we have another year of travel before returning to the States and I don't want to start now, even though I have finally stabilized. I appreciate the unconditional acceptance offered here, which does not subscribe to one right way to do things. We must each find our way. A part of me feels like I would be "outside of the herd" this herd if I chose to continue with my meds. This space has been a haven. Answers were here when I could find them nowhere else. The kind words and encouragement kept me going, and for that, I am incredibly grateful. 

Hoping you are well. Did you have your performance yet? 

 

 

[Tweed9674]

9 hours ago, KateH said:

I am in discernment about next steps. I have been on antidepressants for four decades. Unlike most people here, I was not having adverse effects (that I know of). It wasn't until I was unable to get a refill while traveling, and tapered much too quickly, that I experienced acute withdrawals. I am soon to be 68 years old. I am on three antidepressants. Part of me does not want to spend the later years of my life trying to taper... going through the process. Plus, we have another year of travel before returning to the States and I don't want to start now, even though I have finally stabilized.

I am so happy to hear that you have stabilized!

 

And nobody is going to judge you for choosing not to taper. It is an informed decision!

[KateH]

On 6/4/2024 at 8:15 PM, Tweed9674 said:

It is an informed decision

 

On 6/4/2024 at 8:15 PM, Tweed9674 said:

nobody is going to judge you for choosing not to taper. It is an informed decision!

Thank you for neutralizing my inner critic and supporting autonomy! As a nurse, I endorsed my patients in using this model. A part of me is delighted to know that it is my decision. As always, deep appreciation @Tweed9674

[Catwoman73]

On 6/4/2024 at 3:04 AM, KateH said:

I have been back at "baseline" for several weeks now. Clarity of thought (most of the time), stamina, and ability to manage stressors have returned. These are things I no longer take for granted. Before WD, I took them all for granted. Not anymore. 

I am in discernment about next steps. I have been on antidepressants for four decades. Unlike most people here, I was not having adverse effects (that I know of). It wasn't until I was unable to get a refill while traveling, and tapered much too quickly, that I experienced acute withdrawals. I am soon to be 68 years old. I am on three antidepressants. Part of me does not want to spend the later years of my life trying to taper... going through the process. Plus, we have another year of travel before returning to the States and I don't want to start now, even though I have finally stabilized. I appreciate the unconditional acceptance offered here, which does not subscribe to one right way to do things. We must each find our way. A part of me feels like I would be "outside of the herd" this herd if I chose to continue with my meds. This space has been a haven. Answers were here when I could find them nowhere else. The kind words and encouragement kept me going, and for that, I am incredibly grateful. 

Hoping you are well. Did you have your performance yet? 

 

 

Hey-you have to do what's best for you!  I certainly wouldn't start a tapering journey while travelling.  Enjoy your travels!  And if you never decide to taper, even after you return to the US, that's fine!  We're all on our own path.  And given the challenges that come with tapering and withdrawal, I can understand why you would decide not to go there.  Tapering is a huge commitment, and I think that if you don't feel overly motivated to do so at this point in your life, it will just feel like a heavy burden.  That's no way to live your life.  I am tapering because of the physical issues I have previously told you about, but also because of the SSRI sexual dysfunction I have been experiencing since I took that first pill back when I was 21.  And because of the fact that, in hindsight, I was never really 'depressed' in the typical sense.  Just a kid with poor coping skills, and no support.  I'm a different person now, and my circumstances are different.  It's time to see where life takes me without the drugs.  That's HUGE motivation, and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to reach that goal.  If you aren't feeling like there's a fire lit under you to get off the meds, attempting to taper might just not be the way to go.

 

I am ok- having my usual ups and downs.  Crazy nightmares are the latest thing lol... so vivid and real.  It's been messing with my sleep.  Nonetheless, I woke up from a nap this morning, and feel like I might just be hitting a window- just in time for our year end recital!  Performances are Friday and Saturday- 3 shows in 24 hours.  It's going to be a lot, but I LOVE being on stage, so I know adrenaline will carry me through.  I'm going to tread very lightly today and tomorrow though- I want to hold on to this window, if at all possible!

[KateH]

On 6/6/2024 at 7:13 PM, Catwoman73 said:

If you aren't feeling like there's a fire lit under you to get off the meds, attempting to taper might just not be the way to go.

I like how you put this, indeed, there is no fire under me telling me to go toward tapering. Quite the opposite, there is a strong voice within saying Don't taper. Especially while vacationing. Conflict arises when I think those closest to me think differently to what my heart and head are saying, I tend to value their opinion and counsel over mine. I have usually adapted to what I think others want, while never fully knowing my preferences or desires. I have had a conversation with the person who says I should taper and I believe there is a greater understanding of my vantage point. As I type this, I am aware that in my sixth decade of life, I am just coming around to being my own person. There is a part of me that feels sad about that. It has taken so long to get here, and all those years of trying to please others. I see there is grieving to do about missed opportunities. 

 

Today is Sunday and your performance is now behind you. How did it go? I hope the window lasted. I hope that you were able to find joy in performing. I hope that all went well.

I look forward to hearing about it. 

 

[Catwoman73]

I'm the same.  I have always done what others thought I should do.  That's how I ended up in a career that I don't exactly love- I was pressured to stay in the program, even though after I started my clinical training, I knew it wasn't right for me.  And here I am, 25 years later.  I'm just figuring out who I am now, at age 51.  It is sad, but exciting, too!  We can now choose to live our lives more authentically, with the knowledge and confidence that we don't have to fit in to someone's expectations to be happy.  Yes, I missed out on many opportunities, but all those years have led me to this moment, and right now, I'm happier than I've ever been, despite long covid and my current tapering challenges.  And I think when we've led lives that are not entirely congruent with who we are inside, we value our happiness so much more when we do attain it.  I think the best years are yet to come, and that's very exciting!

 

Yes, performances are done, and everything went extremely well!  Particularly last night- our lyrical and hip hop performances were spot on!  Definitely audience favourites.  One of the girls in my lyrical class had a random person approach her, saying that our number was so good that it was intimidating!  That's not great for getting other adults involved in dance, but still a high compliment.  And I always have people ask when they see me in costume if I'm a teacher lol... they're always shocked when I tell them that no, I'm a student.  They don't expect a grey-haired 51 year old to be a dancer.  I hope that by getting up there year after year,  I can teach other people that it's never too late to go after what you want!  The adrenaline carried me through the last couple of days, and I'm paying the price now, with severe body aches, exhaustion, and dizziness.  My brain is pretty clear though, which might be a sign the LDN is starting to help me a bit?  Not sure.  Nonetheless, it was totally worth it!  I got some beautiful pictures with all my dance ladies, and the fun memories will help carry me through the difficult days.

[KateH]

On 6/9/2024 at 4:19 PM, Catwoman73 said:

I'm the same.  I have always done what others thought I should do.  That's how I ended up in a career that I don't exactly love- I was pressured to stay in the program, even though after I started my clinical training, I knew it wasn't right for me.  And here I am, 25 years later.  I'm just figuring out who I am now, at age 51.  It is sad, but exciting, too!  We can now choose to live our lives more authentically, with the knowledge and confidence that we don't have to fit in to someone's expectations to be happy.  Yes, I missed out on many opportunities, but all those years have led me to this moment, and right now, I'm happier than I've ever been, despite long covid and my current tapering challenges.  And I think when we've led lives that are not entirely congruent with who we are inside, we value our happiness so much more when we do attain it.  I think the best years are yet to come, and that's very exciting!

I like how you frame things. It makes me very aware of how easy it can, be for me, to drift towards pessimism. I have started a folder on my computer of inspiring thoughts and outlooks that I can review when I feel the gloom settling in. This is one of them. Much appreciation. 

My role as a teenager was nurse. I cared for my chronically ill father for years. I never questioned the path I took and only once pursued my real love, photography. But, I learned I would never make Nat Geo level and quickly abandoned it. Still, taking photos is one of my favorite things to do that makes me happy., Another is travel so in some respects I am doing what I want right now! A life of congruency, as you so well said. Perhaps the best years for me are right now. I have a sense that time is short and there is much uncertainty about years to come. I am going to embrace my today. 

On 6/9/2024 at 4:19 PM, Catwoman73 said:

I can teach other people that it's never too late to go after what you want!  

Here is another way to look at things that inspire me! I am so happy that your performance went well and that you engage with what brings you the most joy. Have you considered being a motivational speaker, therapist, coach, guidance counselor, social worker? You have the gift of reframing. It is my intention and aspiration, and I consider you a model teacher! 

We are now in Tirana, the capital of Albania. The first few days are disorienting and I have mostly slept. I suppose it is my way of handling stress. I have no qualms with sleeping to much. Compared to other escape methods I have experienced over the years, this one is benign in repercussions. (Being retired helps).

 

 

[Catwoman73]

7 hours ago, KateH said:

Have you considered being a motivational speaker, therapist, coach, guidance counselor, social worker? You have the gift of reframing. It is my intention and aspiration, and I consider you a model teacher! 

In fact, I have!  I do have a degree in psychology, and have considered returning to complete a masters in counselling psychology.  It's a huge undertaking though, and I'm not sure the timing is right, given my brain fog, and extreme exhaustion.  I know my husband would support me 100% if I decided that I wanted to do it, but even if I were well enough, I do worry about the financial implications for us.  It's always a thought in the back of my mind though, and I may decide to pursue it in retirement.  You just never know what life is going to bring!

 

Albania!  I know virtually nothing about Albania lol... how did you decide on your travel destinations prior to your trip?  My husband and I have talked about doing international house/pet sitting in retirement as a possible way to see a bit more of the world, and have longer stays in different locations to get a better feel for the culture and way of life.  And if I decided to study in retirement, I can do it virtually, from anywhere in the world.

 

I sleep a LOT when I'm stressed as well.  You're right- there are much less healthy ways to cope with stress lol... I think sleep is a good way to go.  I nap every day right now.  And if I don't, I pay the price- it catches up to me, and I crash, ending up bed bound.  I think some of this fatigue is long covid, but I do think that some of it is the escitalopram, and the abuse I have inflicted on my nervous system over the years finally catching up to me.  Sleeping so much can be frustrating at times, but I just keep reminding myself that sleep is healing!  I'm so very grateful to be on disability.  I don't know how people manage to go through all of this and keep working!

[KateH]

22 hours ago, Catwoman73 said:

I may decide to pursue it in retirement.  You just never know what life is going to bring!

 

You have a natural gift for listening, validating, and deeply understanding what is happening with another person. When the time is right, and I believe you will know when that is, doors will open for you to take this next step. I got my BSN in my late thirties and everything lined up for me to finish my bachelor's degree. It was the best thing I could have done for my nursing career. Timing is everything. Your time will come. 

23 hours ago, Catwoman73 said:

talked about doing international house/pet sitting

This is our second two-year trip abroad. For the first two years, we did house-sitting with trusted housesitters. It was amazing. All our house sites were in Europe, with a few in Denver. We spent a month In Switzerland, near Geneva, caring for a beautiful home and cat. We could never have stayed that long unless we were house-sitting. I highly recommend them. It is a wonderful way to see the world and save on accommodations. 

23 hours ago, Catwoman73 said:

how did you decide on your travel destinations prior to your trip?

Our destination algorithm has many influencing factors. Weather, whether we need a Schengen vs non-Schengen country, the cost to the next destination, and places we have not been to. Although we just left Turkey after spending three months....we had visited Turkey previously but liked it (Istanbul) so much 

that we spent another month there. We have been traveling for one year now and have another year to go. 

23 hours ago, Catwoman73 said:

I know virtually nothing about Albania

Same here! The only thing I knew of was Mother Theresa being Albanian and nefarious stories about the Albanian mafia. We have been in the capital for four days and it! It differs from other European cities with an interesting (and tragic) past. We like to go to places off the main tourist trail. 

23 hours ago, Catwoman73 said:

sleep is healing!

I am inclined to hassle myself when I sleep too much but this is my new mantra! 

[Catwoman73]

That's great to know about Trusted Housesitters- that's what we've been looking at!  We have our own pets at the moment, so this is not something we will do until they pass on, but it seems like a wonderful idea!  Our dog likely isn't long for this world- she has breast cancer.  But our cat is 11 years old and is extremely healthy- she might just live forever lol. 

 

I'm so interested in your travels, and have so many questions!  Did you have everything planned out in advance of the two years, or are you leaving some room for spontaneous changes to your plans?  My best trip ever was one month in Peru, and we planned almost NOTHING.  We got there, travelled around as we saw fit, stayed in cheap hostels, and managed to see the whole country.  It was a great experience, but I'm not sure I have it in me to travel like that anymore!  Do you need to return to the US periodically for purposes of maintaining residency?  I'm not sure how that works, but I know that here in Canada, we have to be present in the country for a certain amount of time each year to maintain our universal health benefits, which is super important to me.

 

As for my future career- yes, I do feel that my time to make a change will come.  This is definitely not the time though lol- my focus is only on healing.  

 

Keep me posted on how things are going on your trip!  I'm going to do some reading on Albania to satisfy my curiosity!

[KateH]

We plan as we go. The only thing we knew when we left the States last year was we were spending three months in Portugal. We have to follow what is called the Schengen visa program. Three months in EU countries then out for three months before we can return. That is one part of the puzzle (an important one) that dictates the next stop. Albania is non-Schenghen. We plan to spend two months in Finland (visiting my husband's family) and one month in Germany (my son is moving there) starting mid-August. 

18 hours ago, Catwoman73 said:

our universal health benefits,

Unlike most civilized countries, the US does not have universal health coverage (don't get me started). We don't have to return to the US periodically to maintain health coverage. I am on Medicare (useless while traveling abroad) and we have a nomad (catastrophic coverage) insurance. Health care is so cheap everywhere except the US ( don't know about Canada) that we pay out of pocket for services as we need them. 

Recently, I have been pondering exiting this forum. I have received so much support here, but since stabilizing, I am not perusing the site. I am not going to taper. I believe in giving back, but I don't think I have enough "street cred" to offer much in this space (I do in others). Is it possible to stay in touch if I leave the group? 

 

18 hours ago, Catwoman73 said:

 

 

[Catwoman73]

I'll send you a PM, Kate!