KateH: Intro

[Bawneen]

On 4/25/2024 at 11:14 PM, Catwoman73 said:

Hi @KateH- I'm new here too, and yes, we do make the best decisions we can for ourselves at the time.  And we just weren't told the realities.  I am (was, I suppose) a respiratory therapist, and you would think after watching a million patients over last 25 years coming out of drug induced stupors in the ICU, I would have been more aware.  But there's no sense in looking back- we can only move forward.  I appreciate your positive outlook- I'm crazy optimistic that this has all happened to me for a reason, and I'm determined to figure out what that reason is!

 

Anyway- I wanted to say hello and welcome to a fellow healthcare professional.  I look forward to following your journey!

Hi @KateH I'm very new here too -  I am 68 with a long history of anti-depressants.  I'm amazed you coped at all being away from home when this happened to you. Kudos for holding it together.  I began to come off Escapitolam last January - my own decision - and when I arrived at. 2.75 mg I dropped to 0 mg and within a few days I felt like I'd hit a wall and haven't recovered.  I got advice here to taper but was so frightened at what was happening to me I went back up to 5 mg and then to 10 mg. It is just so awful for all of us - I had no idea there was such a thing as withdrawal from these drugs, naive as that may sound.   But well done to you and the best of luck for the future.   

[KateH]

On 6/15/2024 at 4:02 PM, Catwoman73 said:

'll send you a PM, Kate!

Thank you! I was not aware of that feature. 

 

[KateH]

21 hours ago, Bawneen said:

68 with a long history of anti-depressants

Thank you for reaching out @Bawneen! It is nice to know there are others in this world, the same age, years on antidepressants, struggling to taper. Sometimes I feel like the lone ranger, your note, helped me connect with a "fellow traveler". I eventually fully reinstated my dosage as the withdrawal was excruciating. There is a part of me that feels like a failure, as most here are tapering, while I have gone back to step one (take the drug, full dose, every day). Age has a lot to do with it and being on these meds since my twenties and on three different ones. I am already seeing declines in health... cognitive, and physical, and don't want to spend the remainder of my years in withdrawal. It frightens me. Perhaps if I were younger... 

 

21 hours ago, Bawneen said:

I had no idea there was such a thing as withdrawal from these drugs, naive as that may sound. 

I hear you loud and clear. I feel very naive too. Especially as a healthcare professional - I was clueless. It makes me wonder what other things I have been told are garbage. Oh well, can't go there at the moment...

 

21 hours ago, Bawneen said:

I'm amazed you coped at all being away from home when this happened to you.

I am amazed I got through it as well. I have my husband to thank for that. And, the support of this group. 

I wish you the best @Bawneen. Where are you at now as far as tapering/stabilizing/holding? 

[Bawneen]

27 minutes ago, KateH said:

Thank you for reaching out @Bawneen! It is nice to know there are others in this world, the same age, years on antidepressants, struggling to taper. Sometimes I feel like the lone ranger, your note, helped me connect with a "fellow traveler". I eventually fully reinstated my dosage as the withdrawal was excruciating. There is a part of me that feels like a failure, as most here are tapering, while I have gone back to step one (take the drug, full dose, every day). Age has a lot to do with it and being on these meds since my twenties and on three different ones. I am already seeing declines in health... cognitive, and physical, and don't want to spend the remainder of my years in withdrawal. It frightens me. Perhaps if I were younger... 

 

I hear you loud and clear. I feel very naive too. Especially as a healthcare professional - I was clueless. It makes me wonder what other things I have been told are garbage. Oh well, can't go there at the moment...

 

I am amazed I got through it as well. I have my husband to thank for that. And, the support of this group. 

I wish you the best @Bawneen. Where are you at now as far as tapering/stabilizing/holding? 

I'm reinstating and when I get to a place where I can go back to 10 and when I stabilize  I'm staying there. At least that's how I currently feel.  Like you,  my age is a huge mitigating factor of continuing this hellscape. At 68, the idea of battling for at least 5 years, or 10 at best terrifies me (I'm just going on histories I've seen here) because I was utterly clueless and I trusted my doctor implicitly (we all did back in the day).  Certainly it would have been unheard of to question the meds or doctor where I live.  Even now, Ireland is way behind on anything mental health related, that's for sure. Also I too feel a "failure" but every day is tortuous. If I was a younger woman I'd go through it.... but I'm old now and don't have that fight in me.  Big pharma infuriates me - they're still doling these things out. 

I'm reinstating to where I can feel "normal" again. I was originally on 15 mg but 10 mg was okay for me. Advice here is 5 mg dissolved in 50 ml of water and then draw up 5 ml - I'm not sure what that means - I'm convinced I've numerical dyslexia, lol.  So not sure how much mg I'm taking daily. How do we know when to increase?  I've downloaded a spreadsheet but don't know what quantities to use.  It's really good to connect with a golden oldie, lol, but age is a very big factor.  Did I read correctly you were in Georgia? If so I went there in 2013. Wonderful place. Take care of yourself. Maybe touch base with one another here to give support.

[KateH]

20 hours ago, Bawneen said:

that's how I currently feel

When I was in the worst of withdrawal I felt certain that as soon as I stabilized, I would begin to taper. Now that I have stabilized, I am certain I don't want to taper. I think the right answer is what makes sense for you (and me) now. Sometimes it is hard to wrap my mind around how adamant I was about tapering when I stabilized and how adamant I am now about not tapering! 

20 hours ago, Bawneen said:

I'm old now and don't have that fight in me.

I don't have the fight in me, either. I often think of aging as the years of diminishment. Things aren't working as they once did, I am sacrificing some things while modifying others.  I am OK with this, it is normal and natural. It is all about letting go gradually before the big letting go. Today, I am at peace about the aging process and the necessary losses, adjustments, and sometimes, the unpleasantness of it. I don't want to add to it. 

20 hours ago, Bawneen said:

I'm not sure what that means - I'm convinced I've numerical dyslexia,

I am afraid I am of little help. I KNOW I have numerical dyslexia (I used to call myself dumb at mathematics, but I like your way of describing it)! 

20 hours ago, Bawneen said:

Did I read correctly you were in Georgia

I am traveling abroad for two years and spent one month in Georgia. It is where my troubles began. They would not prescribe Neurontin for me which is why I started to taper (much too quickly) and became ill for several months. We flew to Turkey, where they would prescribe Gabapentin, and I reinstated right away. I thought I was going crazy and needed to be institutionalized. I Had some disappointing experiences with a Turkish psychiatrist and my doctor back in the States. I think the whole world is in the stone age about deprescribing, not just Ireland. I am currently in Albania. We might come to Ireland next (non-Schengen) will let you know! 

[Bawneen]

4 minutes ago, KateH said:

When I was in the worst of withdrawal I felt certain that as soon as I stabilized, I would begin to taper. Now that I have stabilized, I am certain I don't want to taper. I think the right answer is what makes sense for you (and me) now. Sometimes it is hard to wrap my mind around how adamant I was about tapering when I stabilized and how adamant I am now about not tapering! 

I don't have the fight in me, either. I often think of aging as the years of diminishment. Things aren't working as they once did, I am sacrificing some things while modifying others.  I am OK with this, it is normal and natural. It is all about letting go gradually before the big letting go. Today, I am at peace about the aging process and the necessary losses, adjustments, and sometimes, the unpleasantness of it. I don't want to add to it. 

I am afraid I am of little help. I KNOW I have numerical dyslexia (I used to call myself dumb at mathematics, but I like your way of describing it)! 

I am traveling abroad for two years and spent one month in Georgia. It is where my troubles began. They would not prescribe Neurontin for me which is why I started to taper (much too quickly) and became ill for several months. We flew to Turkey, where they would prescribe Gabapentin, and I reinstated right away. I thought I was going crazy and needed to be institutionalized. I Had some disappointing experiences with a Turkish psychiatrist and my doctor back in the States. I think the whole world is in the stone age about deprescribing, not just Ireland. I am currently in Albania. We might come to Ireland next (non-Schengen) will let you know! 

Wow all so traumatic.  It's just awful, but I'm at a stage where the reinstatement is just giving me an on-going low level of anxiety.  I've asked a few times here how to reinstate but I feel stupid. I look at the charts and might as well be looking at hieroglyphics!   I've no idea what dose I'm on but followed instructions given here.  My pharmacist wasn't at work today - hopefully he will know.  I saw there was a facility here to DM - can I use that to talk to you? Fair play to you that you are still travelling, I think I would have packed off home - when I got fierce anxiety (why I was put on these drugs to begin with) I would be terrified of being anywhere but home, not agoraphobia - just about feeling safe.  I actually went into my studio today and did a bit of mark-making!  And heading out for a walk now.  Take care of yourself.

[KateH]

52 minutes ago, Bawneen said:

I'm at a stage where the reinstatement is just giving me an on-going low level of anxiety.

I am not a good source for knowing how to reinstate. When I did, I just started taking the full dose right away! I had no idea what I was doing. I felt worse for a month or more, but gradually returned to baseline. I was so clueless (and I am a nurse) which made everything more humiliatingly frustrating! It is hieroglyphics to me too!

57 minutes ago, Bawneen said:

saw there was a facility here to DM - can I use that to talk to you?

Yes, feel free to DM. 

58 minutes ago, Bawneen said:

I think I would have packed off home

At my sickest, in Turkey, I desperately wanted to go home but was too ill to travel internationally. I was about to call the US embassy in Ankara and beg them to get me home when I had my first window ( a glimmer of hope).