ScaredDad: Lexapro Reinstatement Help

[Catwoman73]

You are not broken beyond repair.  It took me seven years to fully feel back to normal the first time I stopped taking escitalopram.  I tapered escitalopram, zopiclone and Wellbutrin all at once over a one month period at that time, plus I had been drinking, and using benzos as needed.  I gave it all up at once.  It was not pretty at first (AT ALL), but I did heal.  It took seven years, but I eventually got to a very good place.  Then I had to go and change jobs, the anxiety and panic kicked in again, and I jumped back on the merry-go-round lol.  I so wish I knew then what I know now!  

 

I don't want that seven year figure to scare you.  It wasn't terrible that whole time.  The physical symptoms died down fairly quickly- the worst was over within a year.  I did struggle emotionally for a long time, and I was not well supported, because no one, myself included, understood what was happening to me.  So it was messy.  But my point is that you have great support, and a family who knows what you are going through.  So you will get through it!  This is just the toughest part- the physical symptoms are truly crippling.

 

Like I've said before- there's no point dwelling on what is done.  You can only move forward.  And I know that this is not going to be forever, because I've lived it, and walked this path before.  So just keep hanging in there, @ScaredDad!!!

[LotusRising]

@ScaredDad

 

I would tend to agree with @LostInCanada. I don't think the daily micro is a good idea. 

 

It's difficult to know what the right answer is, but if it were me personally, I wouldn't drop more than 10% at a time, and 5% might be a better idea just to test the waters. I'm sorry, I wish I had a better answer.

 

But as everyone has already mentioned, you WILL get through this. You are not too far gone and you are not alone ❤️

[ScaredDad]

@Catwoman73 thanks so much as always and you’re right I do have a family to help get me through it and my disability was just approved. I’m trying to find continued strength.

 

@LotusRising

 

that seems to be the consensus and I do kind of like the idea of maybe dropping 2.5% a week twice then holding to see how it goes. I’m still on 2.30 trying to make sure I REALLY understand the patterns and make sure there isn’t any improvement before dropping. I get so scared I’ll make the wrong call. The human will to survive is insane, I find that more every day.

[Catwoman73]

1 hour ago, ScaredDad said:

 my disability was just approved. 

 

This is fantastic news!  So happy for you- now you can just focus on getting well.  ❤️

I hope you're having an ok morning!  Keep pressing on... I agree, the will to live is strong, and can overcome a LOT.  I think you're doing great, even when it doesn't feel like it. 

[ScaredDad]

@Catwoman73 all things considered, today has nit been as bad as it could be. I hope you’re doing well today. Thanks for talking to me here! I’ve tried to stop blowing this page up while I decide what I’ll do but I’m getting close. One minute at a time.

[LostInCanada]

3 hours ago, ScaredDad said:

my disability was just approved.

What a relief. I am so happy for you. I remember when mine got approved, a weight was definitely lifted. Just concentrate on healing and your beautiful little family. ❤️

[LotusRising]

7 hours ago, ScaredDad said:

do kind of like the idea of maybe dropping 2.5% a week twice then holding to see how it goes. I’m still on 2.30 trying to make sure I REALLY understand the patterns

This sounds like a really good idea and I love that you're monitoring for the patterns. That's key!

[Emonda]

On 6/5/2024 at 11:06 PM, ScaredDad said:

The human will to survive is insane, I find that more every day.

 

You're making progress, and you will beat this.

 

On 6/5/2024 at 11:06 PM, ScaredDad said:

I get so scared I’ll make the wrong call.

 

Small changes...then monitor...keep updating your diary with symptoms so you can refer back. I read my entire tapering diary the other day. I could see how far I'd come and identify patterns on this journey. I needed that little boost. You'll be doing the same with time and continued patience 🙏

[ScaredDad]

@Emonda @LotusRising @LostInCanadathings seem to be EVER SLIGHTLY improving on 2.30mg. I mean like maybe a small improvement every week. Do you think I just keep holding here until I see a reason not to? I mean understanding I may be holding for a year or a more. 
 

I was able to help get my daughter ready for school every day this week. It was HARD, but I was there.
 

I don’t want to put this in writing for jinx purposes but I’ve slept 10pm to 130am or 2am 4 nights out of 6… I haven’t done that since April.

 

i still feel like my symptoms increase around dosing but maybe a little less than they did?

 

The days are still marathons with multiple times of severe distress and crying but it seems to maybe be calming down like 1% a day.. so still a long long way to go.

 

im just looking for hope on a hold. I get so scared reducing will set me back. I think my body can overcome dose reactions if I let my cns settle.

[ScaredDad]

Note from yeaterday

 

6/6

• got some rest last night again
• 7am breakfast and dose
• Made it through the morning and actually had times of calm body sensations but then realizing that I would have severe anxiety about it going away
• Last night a friend texted me and I tried to respond at 1030pm and I literally could barely type. Like I was on severe sedatives or something
• 8am I’m at my moms and have some slight pressure in head but everything else feels ok body wise. Anxiety is there surrounding fear of regression
• SI has been non-existent . Tinnitus has decreased over the days 
• 820 stool looked a lot more “normal”
• 942 anxiety was increasing so I went on a walk and it didn’t go well
• I’m kinda losing it now 
• 1052 headache pretty strong 
• 1110 feeling maybe a tiny bit better
• 1122 be real, compared to how you were hit with doses in the past it seems to be getting maybe a little better
• Picking up food 
• 129 came to get haircut and dang symptoms amping up!
• 211 in the absolute gutter
• 218 for the first time in 36 hours I feel trapped again 
• 336 symptoms here 
• 529 talked to friend feeling better and laughed a few times
• 549 is pretty decent 
• 559 sat down symptoms back 
• 722 just had the best 20+ minute streak since this started 100% hands down. Dying laughing with McNair in the tub
• 731 Just heard a song and I could feel it. She’s so high - chills from head to toe 
• Ok I’m in target and I can feel the music  singing in my head 
• Symptoms GONE 745
• Through 817 just great prob expect some closure but that’s ok I’ll keep on pushing 
• 851 still ok. Bedtime leg numbness 
• 911 immediate symptom increase seems like it’s just from laying down 
• 925 yoga nidra went fine can feel lots of evolution in physical symptoms 
• Slept like 10 to 130 then the usual toss and turn

[FindPeace]

Glad to hear you see slight improvements SD, even with all the ups and down. Seems to be the norm this early into reinstatement. Hourly changes are normal. Any kind of stress from the environment can cause some temporary symptoms, or they can be random. The brain is trying to re-adjust. Even if before getting a haircut was not a stressor. 

 

I would hold, because tapering introduces withdrawal symptoms and instability.  
 

Double down on coping, while still tracking symptoms in a detached non-judgmental way. Keep the faith that the body and brain will heal itself - at the forefront. 

And try and have some kind of life and distraction even though this is all so distressing. A therapist once told me “what you focus on expands.” The symptoms are neurological in origin but human psychology is still at play. 
 

 

[ScaredDad]

@FindPeace thanks FP, your steadfast advice is always so appreciated and well thought out. Hitting a big walk right now and pushing on.

[LotusRising]

2 hours ago, ScaredDad said:

Do you think I just keep holding here until I see a reason not to?

Yes, it sounds like you should. Your notes sounds very encouraging  

[Catwoman73]

Oh, wow- this all looks so great!!!  I'm so very happy for you!!!

 

If it were me, I wouldn't change a single thing.  It's very obvious that you're headed in the right direction.  

 

I don't have much time today, but had to drop in to see how things are going... keep it up, @ScaredDad!

[ScaredDad]

@Catwoman73

@LotusRising

 

thanks everyone. Unfortunately I have been met with the wrath of everything this afternoon. Will stay strong

[Emonda]

15 hours ago, ScaredDad said:

things seem to be EVER SLIGHTLY improving on 2.30mg. I mean like maybe a small improvement every week.

 

You've got to celebrate even the slightest improvement!

 

14 hours ago, FindPeace said:

A therapist once told me “what you focus on expands.”

 

I like that! So true.

 

14 hours ago, FindPeace said:

try and have some kind of life and distraction

 

Yep, I find this helpful.

[Catwoman73]

18 hours ago, ScaredDad said:

@Catwoman73

@LotusRising

 

thanks everyone. Unfortunately I have been met with the wrath of everything this afternoon. Will stay strong

Oh no, I'm sorry... another wave.  Hang in there- now you know what is possible, though- hold on to the knowledge that the windows do indeed come!  You can do this!

[ScaredDad]

5 hours ago, Catwoman73 said:

Oh no, I'm sorry... another wave.  Hang in there- now you know what is possible, though- hold on to the knowledge that the windows do indeed come!  You can do this!

That’s cat woman in holding in there it has been such a bad day. I have muscle pain all over my entire body. This is a brand new symptom for me and quite alarming. 

[ScaredDad]

Does anyone else out there have symptoms that are 85% physical? I mean it may be more than that % wise. Then my mental symptoms follow suite.

 

is this a sign of anything else? I mean just NOTHING but physical. Nerve pain, numb face, headache, muscle pain, skin tightness, contipation, stomach pain. 
 

Even when this happened in 2022 and 2023 it was all freaking physical. Minus the insomnia. The anxiety followed the symptoms.

[ScaredDad]

Ah you guys I’m so sorry idk what to do! What could this be? Is it the dose? Is it the med in me? Is it protracted injury from the last jump? I was laying in the driveway with no shirt screaming for God to save me. My wife made me come back to my mom’s. Where is the end? This can’t be windows and wave right? I only have had tiny glimpses of a little better and rest just inhuman levels of suffering. What is the answer? Get off, stay on, decrease.

[Catina7]

I'm so sorry you're going through this @ScaredDad.  It's hard to know what to do sometimes, but you may want to read through your thread again just to have everyones' advice fresh in your mind.

 

One thing is for sure though...you have our support and understanding.  Please hang tough and fight because you will get through this.  ❤️

[Catwoman73]

1 hour ago, ScaredDad said:

This can’t be windows and wave right? I only have had tiny glimpses of a little better and rest just inhuman levels of suffering. What is the answer? Get off, stay on, decrease.

I do think that's exactly what this is, @ScaredDad.  I know it's incredibly hard to focus on the positives when you're suffering this much, so I'm going to remind you that you have had some lovely windows, and you WILL have more of them.  When you're in the depths of hell, there is only one way to go- up!  It absolutely will get better.  Don't second guess your decision to hold for now- the fact that you've had windows on this dose is an excellent sign!  Stay strong... you CAN do this!

 

The body/muscle pain is very familiar to me- not from withdrawal at this time, but from long covid.  It's torture.  There's no getting comfortable.  I know how terrible it is.  Lukewarm baths are a huge help when I'm hurting that badly.  That feeling of weightlessness while in water is a blessing. 

 

Sending you lots of love, support and hugs... we're all here with you. ❤️‍🩹

[ScaredDad]

@Catina7

@Catwoman73

 

thanks a lot team. I’m staying in the fight but this is insane. I thought the nerve pain was subsiding and it came back times 3! Baby coming literally any day and I’m still having full meltdowns and at times feel worse. I’m just holding. Praying for stability!

 

I’ll try the lukewarm baths, I think I overdid it with a hot bath last night.you guys are the best.

[Catina7]

18 minutes ago, ScaredDad said:

I’m staying in the fight

 

Good...keep it up.  You have so much to fight FOR!

 

19 minutes ago, ScaredDad said:

Baby coming literally any day and I’m still having full meltdowns and at times feel worse. I’m just holding. Praying for stability!

 

Don't beat yourself up for not being able to do more.  Your family sounds very supportive and understanding.  Give yourself permission to feel not okay right now.  Stability will come with time!

 

21 minutes ago, ScaredDad said:

I’ll try the lukewarm baths, I think I overdid it with a hot bath last night

 

Sounds like a good plan.  We live and learn through this process as to what we can and can't handle.  

 

So proud of you @ScaredDad for hanging on like the true warrior you are.  ❤️

[LostInCanada]

I couldn't agree more with @Catina7

 

[Catwoman73]

Good afternoon @ScaredDad... just checking in.  Thinking of you, and hoping that you get a nice window in time for baby girl's arrival!  When you're up to it, please let us know how you are!  

[ScaredDad]

@Catwoman73 hey there. Congrats on the role! I’m unfortunately still in the depths right now. Last night was the first night in a week I didn’t sleep at all. Hoping for some relief soon here. It must be a wave I suppose. 
 

thanks for checking in on me. Trying to keep my head down.

[Catwoman73]

Thanks @ScaredDad!  It's only been a few days, but I'm super excited to join the team here.

 

I'm sorry to hear that you're still in the depths of hell... your tone sounds quite calm at the moment though, so I'll take that as a win for today. Keep it up- I think you're doing great, even though I know it doesn't feel like it.  

 

Was a lukewarm bath any better than the hot bath?  It doesn't sound like it was much help, if you didn't manage to sleep last night.  If you had access to a pool, I would totally recommend swimming- gentle swimming has been an absolute godsend for me over the last couple of weeks.  I get immediate relief from the body aches the moment I get in the pool!

[j1290]

Hey there, @ScaredDad!   How's things today?   

 

One of the things I was told early on was to slow my roll and stop changing things so my system could settle down.  It was hard to hear because I needed to feel better *now*, not in 6 weeks, but in my experience the only cure has been spelled T I M E.   I won't discuss it here but I also took some other meds prescribed as needed and they made my journey tolerable. 

 

The path down the mountain was filled with wrong turns for me, but I still made it down.  You'll find your way too.   Please post often, we're all pulling for you!

 

Have you read  the Tapering forum and the Symptoms and Self Care forum?   One of the best things I did was to read pages and pages of both of them.   They made me feel a little better, and helped me plan out my next moves.   Hang tight, you will get through this!

[ScaredDad]

44 minutes ago, j1290 said:

Hey there, @ScaredDad!   How's things today? 

Today is the worst I can remember. I have new symptoms I have never felt and things that are much more intense than they used to be. The nerve pain in my head is unparalled and I have buzzing in my shoulder blade, right foot, and spine I have never ever felt. I am literally losing it to the point that I am hyper ventilating. 

 

I totally get the hanging in there. I also just am freaked out because I haven't changed anything. I have been on this dose for a month in about 4 days. I have read those and maybe need to again. 

 

Please please tell me this isn't something else. I have been able to maintain without a true racing heart and out of body panic attack in a long time but I am on the verge. It is like everything is revolting. I AM TERRIFIED. MY WHOLE BODY IS LIKE GET THE DRUG OUT BUT I KNOW I CANT. I worry it is causing toxicity in my brain and making me worse. 

 

I am a 30 y/o dad, my girls need me and this feels like it legit is going to kill me. 

[j1290]

I wish I had answers for you, @ScaredDad.   I really do.  It sounds like you're going through a really intense situation.   

[ScaredDad]

45 minutes ago, j1290 said:

I wish I had answers for you, @ScaredDad.   I really do.  It sounds like you're going through a really intense situation.   

Thanks for advice and everything big time. No one has answers, if we all did we wouldn’t be here. Time is the only answer as you said.. I have to be strong. Thanks again

[ScaredDad]

1 hour ago, j1290 said:

 I really do.  It sounds like you're going through a really intense situation.   

I also apologize if I was too crazy there. Just at the moment I was losing it. I appreciate you again stopping by.

[j1290]

32 minutes ago, ScaredDad said:

I also apologize if I was too crazy there. Just at the moment I was losing it. I appreciate you again stopping by.

No worries, friend.   If there's anybody that gets it, its the people around here.  I've had my fair share of days where the anxiety is an 11 on a scale of 1-10 😃

You ever listen to Dr. Claire Weekes?  She's pretty popular around here, I think she's on youtube and has downloads on Amazon and whatnot.   I remember when I had a particularly difficult stretch that I'd listen to her in the car every day.  Brilliant woman.   

[Catwoman73]

On 6/11/2024 at 6:06 PM, ScaredDad said:

Today is the worst I can remember. I have new symptoms I have never felt and things that are much more intense than they used to be. The nerve pain in my head is unparalled and I have buzzing in my shoulder blade, right foot, and spine I have never ever felt. I am literally losing it to the point that I am hyper ventilating. 

 

I totally get the hanging in there. I also just am freaked out because I haven't changed anything. I have been on this dose for a month in about 4 days. I have read those and maybe need to again. 

 

Please please tell me this isn't something else. I have been able to maintain without a true racing heart and out of body panic attack in a long time but I am on the verge. It is like everything is revolting. I AM TERRIFIED. MY WHOLE BODY IS LIKE GET THE DRUG OUT BUT I KNOW I CANT. I worry it is causing toxicity in my brain and making me worse. 

 

I am a 30 y/o dad, my girls need me and this feels like it legit is going to kill me. 

Oh, I'm so sorry, @ScaredDad- I'm only just seeing this, as I had class last night.  My goodness, I wish we could do more for you.  Nerve pain is horrendous- try to slow that breathing down.  I get nerve pain in my head from long covid, and I find that deep, slow breathing does seem to take the edge off.  Definitely not a cure, but when the pain is that bad, even slight relief is very welcome.  

 

Just out of curiosity- when was your last window again?  I can't remember, was it after your last dosage decrease?  My brain fog is not allowing me to remember much these days lol.

[ScaredDad]

9 minutes ago, Catwoman73 said:

Just out of curiosity- when was your last window again?  I can't remember, was it after your last dosage decrease?  My brain fog is not allowing me to remember much these days lol.

No worries you can’t be everywhere at once. It was las Thursday and maybe a smaller one Friday morning. I haven’t changed anything in a while. Just holding.