Lindy01

[Happy2Heal]

hang in there Lindy01

it does get better

 

❤️

 

[lindy01]

Thanks luv x 

[lindy01]

Hi does this extreme anxiety ever subside? I'm terrified it won't go. The slightest thing sends me into a shaking frenzy and my mind will not stop! I know i have a long way to ho but pls offer me some hope! Many thanks 

[lindy01]

Can anyone tell me what is happening when these horrid rushes n feelings flood my body. 

[WillBeHereTomorrow]

53 minutes ago, lindy01 said:

Can anyone tell me what is happening when these horrid rushes n feelings flood my body. 

 

 

These are some good reads I like to return to from time to time.

 

In short: your brain and nervous system are healing, undoing and correcting things. When I'm in a wave or feeling bad this is what I tell myself, that there is a point to all of this and it will get better. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[lindy01]

Thanks so much! I hope you are doing ok wbht  I'm doing wee bit better but the anxiety is off the scale. As I said previously its like nothing I've ever experienced! Just cannot believe drugs would do this to us! I thought as I was so unwell taking them if I just stopped it would be fine!! Christ I was so stupid! Thanks again for responding. I've been meditating, breathing but the rushes feel like the devil himself is inside you! Or is that just me?? X

[WillBeHereTomorrow]

13 minutes ago, lindy01 said:

Thanks so much! I hope you are doing ok wbht  I'm doing wee bit better but the anxiety is off the scale. As I said previously its like nothing I've ever experienced! Just cannot believe drugs would do this to us! I thought as I was so unwell taking them if I just stopped it would be fine!! Christ I was so stupid! Thanks again for responding. I've been meditating, breathing but the rushes feel like the devil himself is inside you! Or is that just me?? X

I'm doing ok thank you. I'm mostly struggling with fatigue and low energy at the moment, withdrawal comes in all flavours.

 

Hang in there, if one thing doesn't work try another. 

 

If I remember correctly you're going on a trip tomorrow? Try to enjoy it as much as you can!

[lindy01]

Any upset the smallest thing causes my body to react with these awful feelings n head pulsating amongst other things. Please tell me this will pass x

[lindy01]

Yea leaving at 1am so don't want to go but om determined not to ket this beat me! also got loads stress going on in my personal life which defo don't help but im not the only one going through this! I'm sorry your struggling with fatigue n low energy i seem not to have that yet as my system is soooooo anxious! Many thanks ill update when I get back! 

[Catwoman73]

4 hours ago, lindy01 said:

Hi does this extreme anxiety ever subside? I'm terrified it won't go. The slightest thing sends me into a shaking frenzy and my mind will not stop! I know i have a long way to ho but pls offer me some hope! Many thanks 

I'm exactly the same right now.  I was joking with my husband that when my Fitbit buzzes every hour to remind me to move, I jump out of my skin every time!  It does get better- I know it doesn't feel like it, but it does!  After a cold turkey, it is just going to take some time.

 

Try to have a great time on your vacation.  I know you don't want to go, but try to turn that attitude around.  Maybe it will be good for you!  Stepping away from those daily troubles is sometimes just what we need.  Plan for some down time- you will certainly need it.  I find keeping my expectations of my abilities very low while traveling to be helpful lol... then I don't end up disappointed.

 

2 hours ago, lindy01 said:

Christ I was so stupid! 

Be kind to yourself!  We are all just making the best decisions we can for ourselves in the moment.  None of this is your fault- it just is what it is.  All you can do is accept that mistakes were made and move forward.  Have some compassion for the person you were when you made the decisions that you made.  That person was very unwell, and just trying to make the best decisions possible out of desperation.  That person deserves compassion, not anger.  Sending hugs! 

[lindy01]

Thanks lovely! I am doing my best but my mind keeps saying is it this is it that when in fact its all withdrawal from the hellish drugs! I was even frightened to eat a bit of chocolate yesterday im not allowing it to get me that bad as a little bit of something sweet will not harm me. I'm asking sure when I am able to eat it's overall healthy. I'm sorry to go on! Ill do my best on the holiday! Going to try another meditation now! As finding it really hard without the diazepam but no choice!  Many thanks again for all your advice/support  x 

[lindy01]

Can I ask is it normal for all the anxiety to be throughout your body legs arms stomach n my shoulders are always up around my ears! Just got to ask x 

[Catwoman73]

5 hours ago, lindy01 said:

Can I ask is it normal for all the anxiety to be throughout your body legs arms stomach n my shoulders are always up around my ears! Just got to ask x 

OMG yes lol!  Read some others' threads here- you will see that you are most certainly NOT alone!  Anxiety is not something that happens to your brain- it happens to your whole body!  I think most people forget that your nervous system does extend from your brain, right down to your fingertips and toes- so symptoms can impact you anywhere in your body.  It's truly terrible.  I remember my worst ever period with anxiety- I barely ate a thing for months because my GI system was such a disaster- ended up at 78lb (I'm a 5'4" woman).  It's so, so important to find non-drug ways to cope, so you don't end up like that.  Meditation is amazing, but takes some time to get the hang of it.  If your mind wanders, acknowledge your thoughts without judgement, and bring your mind back to the task at hand.  It gets easier, but it is a PRACTICE- no one is perfect at it, and there's always room to grow!

 

And please- go ahead and have that little piece of chocolate.  Keep your symptom journal so you know how it affects you... though it might not be a problem at all!  I look at these things as part of some grand adventure lol!  That's my ridiculously optimistic side coming out- even the worst days are just part of the adventure!  I recently had a sweet treat before bed, and paid a price lol... but whatever!  Live and learn!

[lindy01]

Many thanks never thought about that a  symptom journal as I think I'm getting withdrawal now too from the diazepam or maybe not. It really is a minefield. I find not having any control over my thoughts really difficult. Even nice memories come with the dreaded surge of anxiety! What id do for a nice feeling! It will come though wont it? Many thanks again today has been especially difficult! Widh I could see it as an adventure to me its an absolute **** show!! Ill update when I can. Much love 💘 

[Happy2Heal]

it DOES get better and you will feel calm again, don't worry!!
It will def happen

 

maybe try something like this? here is a short one, I am listening to it as I type and feel like I should lay down, it's very soothing

 

https://youtu.be/ACYZXD3Ap1M?si=xRTvdhRLGTl1dvm6

 

 

I like ones such as this that guides you thru relaxing your whole body, it works well for me. This one is a longer, might be good to do at bedtime 

https://youtu.be/JuIeF8CMU5k?si=GiBCCrt3U7B6MqWM

 

I actually had a cassette tape of guided relaxation that I listened to over and over again during early WD

I wish I'd had a way to play it on repeat without getting up to turn the cassette over LOL

 

now you can put You Tube videos on with a play list and auto play so if happen to drift off to sleep you don't need to worry about it stopping and startling you

 

You are going to be ok

The high anxiety may make you feel like something is wrong - but there is no danger. You are safe. If you can try to float above the anxiety, detach from it, and observe it

 

Don't get sucked into thinking that an anxious feeling means danger. It's hard to do but if you work on it a little at a time, you can get there

 

There is also something called the physiological sigh

It's very simple and works great

Let me see if I can find the YouTube clip about it

I use it all the time.

 

[lindy01]

Hi happy to heal. Many thanks I feel like im getting worse but am in the middle of separating from my husband so I guess that will nit be helping as it was not something I expected! I'm also not eating as I find myself thinking I'd better not eat this or that. But I've made a conciuious decision today to eat and reduce sugar as I don't eat ill never get well! I'm going on this holiday which I am absolutely terrified 😨. 9 days off diazepam so no doubt that'll be having an impact too! Many thanks for the links. Did you have all the horrid feelings pumping through you I just want to run but can't run away from myself! Sorry to ask but it helps me to know others have experienced it n found a way x

[WillBeHereTomorrow]

How are you holding up @lindy01? I'm sorry to hear about your current stressors, hopefully you can find some relief in the day to day.

[lindy01]

Hello im not good really really struggling with thick depression and of course awful anxiety! Its a miracle I even managed to get here first 2 days were better but crashed big time! Think its because of everything happening and stopping diazepam. I just do not know what to do. I'm trying to keep going but I can actually feel my nervous system shaking inside and not sleeping either! Doing meditations finding it really difficult to find a reason to not exit this life. Sorry but that's how I feel. Thanks for checking in with me. I hope you're ok 

[WillBeHereTomorrow]

1 hour ago, lindy01 said:

Hello im not good really really struggling with thick depression and of course awful anxiety! Its a miracle I even managed to get here first 2 days were better but crashed big time! Think its because of everything happening and stopping diazepam. I just do not know what to do. I'm trying to keep going but I can actually feel my nervous system shaking inside and not sleeping either! Doing meditations finding it really difficult to find a reason to not exit this life. Sorry but that's how I feel. Thanks for checking in with me. I hope you're ok 

I'm Ok thank you for asking, had a rough day yesterday but having a smallish window today.

 

Right now you need to be kind to yourself and your nervous system. The stress we used to be able to handle can easily throw us off now. You can only handle as much as you can handle at the moment. Pushing yourself can make things worse. 

 

Symptoms and waves always worsen for me when I'm under stress. If I'm resting I can feel quite ok, under stress I'll get 20+ symptoms easily. My nervous system is injured and I can only go as fast as it will allow right now. 

 

For what it's worth I think you're doing remarkably well considering how long you were on the drugs.

[lindy01]

Oh thanks dont feel that way! Its such a horrid place to be! Thanks for reaching out. I hope your window continues look after yourself. 

[Catwoman73]

8 hours ago, lindy01 said:

Hello im not good really really struggling with thick depression and of course awful anxiety! Its a miracle I even managed to get here first 2 days were better but crashed big time! Think its because of everything happening and stopping diazepam. I just do not know what to do. I'm trying to keep going but I can actually feel my nervous system shaking inside and not sleeping either! Doing meditations finding it really difficult to find a reason to not exit this life. Sorry but that's how I feel. Thanks for checking in with me. I hope you're ok 

You're doing great, @lindy01.  You're under a lot of stress right now, and I can see what a strong person you are, being able to go through this while separating from your husband.  That is a LOT to deal with.  Don't ever hesitate to come here looking for a word of support- I really do believe it takes a village to get through this stuff.  You have a village here!  Keep plugging away at the meditations.  Relax and watch the clouds roll by.  If you have the opportunity to swim- do it!  I swear, that is a form of meditation in itself.  Pull out all the tools, and just keep putting one foot in front of the other.  Every day is a day closer to healing. ❤️‍🩹

[lindy01]

Thanks lovely not easy! I thank you fir your support! I'm swimming everyday here in Croatia no matter how **** I feel! I have all it to face when I get back so ill defo need the village! Many thanks for all the support! Think when I get home ill go to the pool daily if I'm able. I'm also using tapping not sure it dies much but doing it anyway! I'll keep on keeping on 

[lindy01]

Really really not good today or yesterday very suicidal is this part of it? Feel like im in another world not present at all. Not sure what to do as I keep trying to push through but not sure if I'm doing the right thing. Even having thoughts of going back on something!! Christ this is awful 

[Catwoman73]

6 hours ago, lindy01 said:

Really really not good today or yesterday very suicidal is this part of it? Feel like im in another world not present at all. Not sure what to do as I keep trying to push through but not sure if I'm doing the right thing. Even having thoughts of going back on something!! Christ this is awful 

Yes, suicidal ideation is absolutely part of it.  And doubts are a normal part of the process as well.  It sounds like you're in a very bad wave.  This is the time to focus on your non-drug coping mechanisms, and be very gentle with yourself!  Moving through a bad wave with any sort of calm takes a lot of practice.  Keep up with the swimming, try taking a walk staying mindful of your surroundings- sights, sounds, smells.  If your mind wanders, bring it back.  Guided meditations on YouTube are also super useful when you're feeling super low- it helps to have someone else help guide your thoughts.  Above all, your mantra right now is, 'this is only a wave.  It will pass.'  I so wish there was an easier way, but you are stronger than you think!  You can do this!

[lindy01]

Thanks so so much its not helped by my situation with my husband! Also being away from home atm is especially difficult. Ill do a guided meditation tonight x

[Catwoman73]

15 minutes ago, lindy01 said:

Thanks so so much its not helped by my situation with my husband! Also being away from home atm is especially difficult. Ill do a guided meditation tonight x

Yes, your life is quite upset from the normal right now, and that makes things difficult.  Personally, I love being in my normal routine when I'm feeling crappy, so travel is very challenging.  I'm going away next week, and I have very low expectations lol!

 

That otherworldly feeling you describe sounds like depersonalization/derealization.  It's a very common withdrawal symptom.  I get that too from time to time.  Read more here: 

 

Derealization or Depersonalization

[lindy01]

Thanks have the best time!

[lindy01]

Hi well got back from holiday and I just feel so much worse very very depressed suicidal anxious horrid feelings coursing through me. I really have tried alsorts to feel better but nothing working! I am finding it so hard to believe that I am healing! Any advice support welcome thanks 

[lindy01]

I thought 4 months in id be feeling a bit better 4 weeks off intermittent diazepam use

[Catwoman73]

I'm so sorry you're struggling, Lindy01!  I'm struggling after my little vacation, too.  Stepping outside our normal day to day routines can certainly upset the nervous system for a while.  Be very gentle with yourself right now- this is just a wave, and it will pass.  Keep repeating that to yourself- these are only thoughts, this is only a wave.  Eventually, your brain/body will start to believe it. 

 

Four months is still early days after a cold turkey stop, and your nervous system was destabilized even before that.  This is most certainly going to take a lot of time and patience.  I did a CT from 3 meds at once back in 2007, and I was seven years dealing with windows and waves.  Not saying that to scare you, but to give you hope!  I healed from that, and you will heal from this, too!  We are always healing, whether we believe it or not.  Whether it feels like we are or not!

 

You can do this, Lindy!!!  Keep up with all your non-drug methods of coping- I swear, they will become a lifeline for you with lots of practice.  If you need to watch something to give you hope, look up Angie Peacock on YouTube.  She interviews survivors, and always ends her interviews with messages of hope.  I cling to those messages like crazy during the bad times. 

 

I believe in you, and this community stands with you all the way! ❤️

[lindy01]

7 years!! Omg that scares me were you this bad all the way through i really hope not! I just don't know if I'm able to do this im so tempted to go gp but I know deep down its not the answer! I just don't get it feel slightly better one day then straight back into a wave its so so difficult to not want to leave this life. I watch angie peacock all the time too also melissa boutilier is great. It dosent help that im completely alone in this as my friend just says its a relapse n I need medication. Whilst telling me that it cant possibly be withdrawal as its been four months. So upshot is I have noone to speak to. Also the separation is so very difficult. I'm trying my best everyday but I can't seem to find a break from symptoms I can actually feel my nervous system vibrating in my chest is that normal. I am sorry to go on but im truly at the end of my rope.

Im sorry you're not great either many thanks luv. 

[Catwoman73]

1 hour ago, lindy01 said:

 feel slightly better one day then straight back into a wave

This is a window.  It might not be what you hope for in a window, but it is a window nonetheless.  I think we all want long windows with zero symptoms right away, but that comes with time and patience.  Right now, your windows are fleeting, but they are windows, and it's a good sing that healing is occurring.  You don't have to believe it- it will happen whether you believe it or not. 

 

1 hour ago, lindy01 said:

7 years!! Omg that scares me were you this bad all the way through i really hope not!

 

I was absolutely not that bad the whole time.  My physical symptoms disappeared within a few months, and I was left with waves of emotional symptoms.  Tearfulness, episodes of crazy rage (my poor family), and lots of self-hatred.  But the windows got longer over time, and the waves less severe.  The problem for me was that I didn't understand what it was- I thought I was just a terrible person.  I've had to do a lot of work to undo the damage to my sense of self worth that all of that caused.  But I got through it, and you will too!

 

1 hour ago, lindy01 said:

im so tempted to go gp but I know deep down its not the answer!

 

It likely isn't.  The only thing the GP will likely offer you is more medications that will likely continue to destabilize you (as you've seen from your past experiences!).  I so wish there was some magic bullet for us, but there's not.  Time and patience is what we've got.

 

1 hour ago, lindy01 said:

my friend just says its a relapse n I need medication. Whilst telling me that it cant possibly be withdrawal as its been four months. So upshot is I have noone to speak to. Also the separation is so very difficult.

 

This doesn't sound like a friend that you'll want to spend much time with right now.  Gaslighting is not ok.  A true friend would be willing to listen and learn about what you have learned in your time on this site!  And you have us here to talk to- we can be your lifeline.

 

I'm so sorry the separation is happening at the same time as all of this.  Stress will absolutely exacerbate your symptoms, and you have lots of stress in your life right now.   How did you manage stress in your everyday life before all of this started?  Perhaps you can take some cues from what you once enjoyed and created calm, and incorporate those things into your life in a way that makes sense for your current situation.  As an example- dance has always been my big stress reliever- I have taken four classes per week for many years.  I do ballet, pointe, lyrical and hip hop.  While I can't exercise super hard anymore, as it triggers terrible symptoms, I do still attend classes, and do what I can.  I do have to miss some weeks because I feel awful, but I know it's still there for me.  And the social aspect is a very good distraction, too.

 

1 hour ago, lindy01 said:

 I can actually feel my nervous system vibrating in my chest is that normal. I am sorry to go on but im truly at the end of my rope.

 

 

Yup- I get this too.  This is your nervous system trying to figure it all out.  Close your eyes, breathe deeply- lie outside in a lawn chair and listen to the sounds of nature.  Or throw in some headphones and listen to calming music.  Or a guided meditation.  All of these activities serve to calm your nervous system.  

 

And never apologize- we all have terrible times where desperation kicks in.  Just keep repeating that this will pass, because it will! ❤️

[lindy01]

Thanks so much I can't even remember what I did before all this. I've never had hobbies sad or what? My family and my job were it for me.  I try walk the dog when I'm able to but I have zero motivation or interest. When I get a glimmer I may go out to the shops or clean the house as I cant do it. Most days. I used to love going out with friends but now I live like a hermit. I feel like im not doing enough to help myself n for that I feel guilty but right now surviving a day is about all I can do. I'm meditating each morning and in the day. One thing I cant do is cry is that normal as before I cried all the time so confusing no joy or good feelings ever so frustrating. I really appreciate your support luv thanks x

[lindy01]

Oh and the ear ringing is horrific well you know the score every symptom is horrific 😢 

[lindy01]

Also I really worry as my life is just a stress ball everywhere I look. The slightest thing sends my body into full force anxiety I worry that this will stop me healing sorry I'm just so despondent I do my best to accept but can't help thinking I just keep getting hit by a train everyday. Thanks so so much 💗 

[Catwoman73]

It's horrific than anyone should have to go through any of this.  

 

It is totally normal to not be able to cry.  In fact, check out Doctorsrcrap's thread- it is entitled Can't Cry and Frustrated.  It's a very common symptom.

 

I totally understand how family and work becomes our entire lives.  That might be contributing to your mental state right now.  Going through a separation represents loss of family, and am I correct in saying that at age 60, you are no longer working?  Loss of career as well.  That's really hard, even when not in withdrawal.  Think about some things you've always dreamed of doing- even when you were a kid!  Dance is that for me- I did ballet as a competitive gymnast as a kid, but never got to really explore it the way I would like to, so I'm doing it now.  Now is your chance to try some stuff for YOU!  Start small, of course- maybe some kind of crafting you would like to learn.  Keeping the mind busy is really helpful in getting through those terrible days, and learning a new hobby is a great way to go.