Lindy01

[lindy01]

Thanks luv ill maybe think about swimming. Yes lost my career due to all this crap loss seems to be everything atm. What I said about the constant stress in my life do you think its preventing me from healing. God I hope not as there's not a thing I can do about it. Nothing used to worry me now im an anxious depressed mess. 

[Catwoman73]

2 minutes ago, lindy01 said:

Thanks luv ill maybe think about swimming. Yes lost my career due to all this crap loss seems to be everything atm. What I said about the constant stress in my life do you think its preventing me from healing. God I hope not as there's not a thing I can do about it. Nothing used to worry me now im an anxious depressed mess. 

No, I don't think it is preventing you from healing.  We all have stress in our lives, yet somehow, we survive all sorts of illnesses and injuries.  But I do think that continually practicing mindfulness and meditation, while taking care of our bodies with healthy food, adequate hydration, avoiding alcohol, etc, in spite of the stress, creates an environment that will help facilitate healing.  Keep working on those things, and things will get better! 

[lindy01]

Thanks luv for everything 😘 

[lindy01]

Hi sorry never git back to you. Has a wee bit of a breather yesterday which was wonderful! But back to same old today. 😭 I keep telling myself its a process but can't help be shocked at how bad I feel but im not going back on ads although at this point I'm so tempted. Just wanted to say thanks for your support luv means the world 

[Catwoman73]

A window!!!  Nice!  I'm glad you enjoyed it.  

 

Just stay strong, Lindy!!!  Those windows WILL keep coming. ❤️

[lindy01]

Thanks lovely! I defo think its like you said would happen im getting withdrawal from the valium too!! Hapoy days! Hooe you're doing ok x

[Catwoman73]

Hi @lindy01- I'm taking your PM back here so that you will be able to get some support, even when I'm not available.

 

Your PM:

 

'Hi luv just wanted some advice. As you know im really not good but the depression is the worst and I'm constantly considering killing myself. I just don't know what to do im thinking of going to gp and trying a different class of ad. But I know this is not an easy option and could make me much worse. Im so scared right now 😫 any input would be helpful.'

 

I am so, so sorry you're going through such a rough patch.  The way I see it, this is just a wave.  Looking back at your last post here, you had just had a brief window.  That was just a week ago.  Another window WILL come, if you're able to work your way through this wave.  Waves always end.  Yes, it takes some serious work to get through a wave, but you've been doing it, and I know you can do it again.  You are strong to have gotten this far!  There are better days ahead. 

 

I would never dream of telling you what to do with your own body.  You have 100% free will to choose to try another AD if you wish.  My job here is to remind you about the downsides of that plan.  Like you said, it could make you much worse.  Taking more psych meds at this point has a good chance of further destabilizing you.  Even if, best case scenario, it helps, and you get some relief at this point, you will have to taper whatever you take down the road, meaning more withdrawal.   Unfortunately, the only way out of this is to get through it.

 

Just some gentle reminders for you- what you are experiencing is NOT you.  It is all the drugs.  What you are experiencing is so incredibly common.  If you put 'suicidal ideation' into the search bar at the top of the page, and select 'everywhere' from the drop down menu, you will see that you are absolutely NOT alone.  Your nervous system has been destabilized by a revolving door of medications over the years, and it's going to take time and patience for your brain and body to be able to reverse the adaptations made to the presence of these drugs.  There is a new, healthier you on the other side of all of this.

 

Also reminding you that good self care is the most important thing during a bad wave.  Don't force yourself to do anything that doesn't feel right.  If all you can manage right now is lying on the couch, breathing, and repeating to yourself over and over that this is a wave, and you will survive it, then that's what you should do.  Eat simple, healthy foods, and drink water.  Don't suppress any neuroemotions- let them out.  Cry, scream- whatever you need to do.  Put calming music or nature sounds on repeat- these things are well known to have a positive effect on the nervous system.  Sometimes a simple distraction can be helpful to get through a wave- I will often put a TV show or movie that I've seen before on, so I can listen to it with my eyes closed (sometimes the visual stimulation is a bit much).  If I can even slightly focus on the plot, it helps to pull me away from the negative spiral.  

 

I wish I could do more Lindy, I really do!  I strongly believe you can get through this... take it one hour at a time.  If you can get through the next hour, then you can get through the one that follows.  Just keep setting those micro goals for yourself.  Sending lots of love and hugs your way... ❤️‍🩹 

 

 

[lindy01]

Thanks! I just feel so horrible the feelings in my body are horrific! Anxiety i know. I'm not able to eat just drinking water. I cannot believe ill ever come through this!! I truly want to die n for it all to be over.  Terrible I know but im thinking not one person around me understands or believes me as the drugs did work for a long time for me. Do you ever feel this bad or is it just me. So so confused by it all. Thanks for response i am sorry but as I said I have noone 

[Catwoman73]

2 minutes ago, lindy01 said:

Thanks! I just feel so horrible the feelings in my body are horrific! Anxiety i know. I'm not able to eat just drinking water. I cannot believe ill ever come through this!! I truly want to die n for it all to be over.  Terrible I know but im thinking not one person around me understands or believes me as the drugs did work for a long time for me. Do you ever feel this bad or is it just me. So so confused by it all. Thanks for response i am sorry but as I said I have noone 

 

I don't feel this bad now, as I'm doing a very slow taper this time.  But with my last cold turkey of 3 meds at once, I certainly did feel this bad!  And I had no knowledge of protracted withdrawal at the time.  I just thought I was insane.  I buried everything I felt down deep, because I was terrified of being committed to a mental hospital.  I would bottle it all up for as long as I could, and then it would all come spilling out in a massive, terrifying rage.  It was awful for me and my family.  So I truly get it.  This is the hardest thing you will ever go through. 

 

No one around you may understand, but every person on this forum does!  Personally, I find it helpful to read other people's threads, and chime in a word of sympathy, and even support if you can muster it!  There is something about supporting others that seems to ease the burden a bit.  Might be worth a shot for you.  It's a good distraction from your own pain as well. 

 

Have you found anything at all that helps?  Like, lying in a lukewarm bath, or a cup of herbal tea?  Getting in water is my go-to for physical discomfort, and small rituals help my mental anguish.  Rituals can be anything that brings you comfort... or anything that once brought you comfort during difficult times.  I like a cup of herbal tea, and working on the puzzles in the newspaper.  There's just something soothing about it for me.  My focus isn't what it once was, but that's not the point- the point is to recreate something that you know makes you feel calm and comfortable, with the hope that some little part of your brain is triggered by it, and you are able to find a moment of relief.  

[lindy01]

Thanks I do try everyday to get out of the house nothing absolutely nothing makes me feel better n I've tried everything! When I have the fleeting moments of tiny bit better I tend to do lots at once which is probably not the best. I'm really worried that because I ct ill never recover. I'm a total burden on everyone. That's why I'm thinking of trying again so I can get off properly but the fear of getting worse stops me. I know you went back on did that help? I thought being off nearly 5 months I'd feel something good. But I also stopped the valium ct but I was not a regular user so doubt that will be causing this. Thanks for your input x

[Catwoman73]

I stupidly went back on after 8 years of being off the meds, all because of some life stressors.  It's certainly a choice I wish I hadn't made, but such is life, right?  Did it help at the time?  Well, it didn't make me worse, fortunately, but it didn't help either.  But I stayed on the meds anyway until last year because I was too scared to come off again.  

 

What has helped me over the years was finding a good therapist to FINALLY deal with lifelong trauma issues that I had been burying, learning to say no, learning that it's ok to put myself first (not only is it ok, but it's necessary!), and learning what taking care of myself really meant for me.  Self care is different for everyone.  I have things I do to take care of my mental health (mindfulness, meditation, mantras, deep breathing, honest communication with my family, creative outlets like writing, or lately, paint by numbers!), things for my physical health (whole foods plant based diet, adequate hydration, moving my body in any way I can), and things that are a blend of the two.  My dance classes fall into this category.  That is social time, physical activity, and creativity all in one.  It's taken me years to figure all this out.  

 

Maybe, right now, getting out of the house might mean sitting in the sunshine in your garden, closing your eyes, and listening to the wind in the trees, or the birds chirping.  Definitely don't push yourself hard, even when you are feeling a bit better- that's a sure way to a big crash!  I've learned that the hard way- I tend to push myself too.  I've had to fight that instinct with everything I have lol.  If you have a window, just breathe it in, appreciate it with every cell in your body!  Getting stuff done can wait.  When I get a day where I'm feeling good, I typically do one thing that needs to be done (last time it was paying bills), and then I just savour the good day. 

[lindy01]

Yes doing meditation, eating healthier, n I do enjoy walking so going to try that again. Thanks lovely im praying for a slight better day. As right now I just want to well you know how I feel. I just don't think I can do this for years. 

[Catwoman73]

I'm praying for a better day for you, too!  Take it easy!  If you go for a walk, take it slow, and get out of your head.  Listen to the breeze in the trees, feel the sun on your shoulders, and focus on the sound of birds singing.  If your mind wanders, bring it back.  Mindfulness is a wonderful habit that is incredibly helpful... once you get the hang of it. 

 

Don't think about years.  Seriously- you have no idea what is going to happen tomorrow, let alone years from now.  Focus on getting through this day.  I can assure you, it will not be this bad for years.  If you stay the course, the waves will get smaller and the windows will get longer.  It's important to avoid catastrophic thinking and challenge those negative thoughts.  When you start lamenting about years of suffering, ask yourself if you have any evidence that you will suffer this badly for years?  Well, there will be some withdrawal windows and waves for some time, but your brain is healing every single minute!  Evidence shows that by giving your brain stability, time and patience, it will get better.  So your current suffering is time limited.  It WILL get better. 

 

Hugs Lindy... I'm thinking of you today. ❤️‍🩹

[lindy01]

I truly hope you're right. Many many thanks luv. I truly appreciate all your advice. I really don't want to go back as I know in my gut it will just be more suffering. It doesn't help that my friend keeps saying that if what I'm saying about healing would mean everyone would stop their meds! Some ppl just don't get it. Christ what a mess wish I'd never just stopped 😪. Hope you're doing ok n nit too worn down with me x

[lindy01]

Meant to ask do you think like i do that the diazepam withdrawal is part of this x

[Catwoman73]

22 hours ago, lindy01 said:

Meant to ask do you think like i do that the diazepam withdrawal is part of this x

 

Unlikely, if you were an occasional user.  But the use of diazepam would certainly have contributed to keeping your nervous system destabilized. 

 

Hope you're finding a window today, Lindy!!!

[lindy01]

Thanks luv tiny bit better! But been arguing with my husband so my nervous system is kicking back now! Hope you're ok thanks again ☺ 

[lindy01]

Well another horrific day but keeping myself busy by going out to the shops with my granddaughter. Chest vibrations so bad depression awful. Is it normal to have all the horrific feelings everywhere in your body. I just feel im not making any improvements 4 months in! Thanks n sorry to be so needy 

[Catwoman73]

2 hours ago, lindy01 said:

Well another horrific day but keeping myself busy by going out to the shops with my granddaughter. Chest vibrations so bad depression awful. Is it normal to have all the horrific feelings everywhere in your body. I just feel im not making any improvements 4 months in! Thanks n sorry to be so needy 

 

Yes, this is normal.  And many people have an uptick in symptoms around the 6 month mark- you are approaching this mark now.  

 

Good for you for getting yourself out.  This was probably a lot of stimulation for your nervous system, so take it easy today.  This is a good day to lie around, breathe, and listen to the wind in the trees.  Rest is very important in recovery, so don't hesitate to do it when you need to!

[lindy01]

Hi luv I'm only 4 months out not 6. I stopped end of march 24 so not sure where you got 6.  I think stress of my situation with my husband is causing huge increase in symptoms. As I have to find another house plus were just not getting on. Thanks do you think ill ever see a difference as when I'm like this I want to go back to meds even though they made me worse in a different way. When you said your reinstatement never made you worse but didn't help what did you mean luv. Thanks again I hope you're ok 

[Catwoman73]

4 hours ago, lindy01 said:

Hi luv I'm only 4 months out not 6. I stopped end of march 24 so not sure where you got 6.  I think stress of my situation with my husband is causing huge increase in symptoms. As I have to find another house plus were just not getting on. Thanks do you think ill ever see a difference as when I'm like this I want to go back to meds even though they made me worse in a different way. When you said your reinstatement never made you worse but didn't help what did you mean luv. Thanks again I hope you're ok 

 

Everyone is a bit different- the 6 month mark is kind of arbitrary... but being a few months out, you could be seeing an uptick in symptoms at this point just a bit earlier than some, likely precipitated by the amount of stress you're under. 

 

I have never reinstated to mitigate withdrawal symptoms.  I knew nothing of reinstating low doses back when I last cold turkeyed off- that was in 2007.  I suffered through several years of withdrawal, and finally did recover.  I only went back on my meds at full dose (10mg escitalopram) 8-9 years after stopping due to life stress.  When I restarted my meds, I had lots of side effects, but they faded within a week or two.  I know I'm very lucky- given my history, I could have had a serious adverse reaction, and ended up in a very bad place.  But the meds did NOTHING to help my mood.  They had zero effect- likely due to poop out from when I had been on the same med previously.  Over time, I increased the dosage up to 20mg trying to find relief, but never found any.  Again- very lucky there that it didn't make me worse. The only thing that helped me was serious stress reduction.

 

My concern with you is that you reacted adversely to so many drugs in such a short period of time, I think you are likely highly sensitized now.  Anything you add to the mix may make things worse rather than better.  Like I said- I got so damned lucky it wasn't worse for me. 

 

If you would like to try reinstating, you do have a couple of options.  You could try a super low dose of escitalopram or citalopram.  When I say low dose, I mean really low- sub therapeutic dosing is the way to go.  This would just be used to try to ease some of the withdrawal symptoms.  For escitalopram, I would start at 0.5mg, citalopram is roughly half as strong, so you could start at 1mg.  You would have to hold for AT LEAST a week (preferably longer) to ensure you are not having any adverse reaction to it, then you could increase by small increments- 0.5mg every week to month until you get some relief.  Overshooting on the dosing can make things much worse, so it's important to move very slowly, and keep that symptom journal up to date to ensure you have an accurate record of how you are faring. 

 

The downsides- it may not work.   It doesn't work for everyone, even when done in the ideal time frame.  You would have to taper off again down the road (though we can help you taper in a much safer way than you have in the past).  And even a small dose could cause problems like hypersensitivity reactions, but it's much less likely if you start really low and go slow.  If you are reacting adversely to a reinstatement, you would know pretty quickly.  Familiarize yourself with the symptoms described in the following thread, so you know what to look for.  If you react badly, you just stop right away, and give yourself time to recover. 

 

Hypersensitivity and kindling

 

If you decide you want to give this a shot, I would recommend getting 5 or 10mg tablets of either drug, and making your own liquid at home, just for accuracy.  I know that escitalopram drops are available in the UK, but I don't trust the accuracy of a dropper.  I'm happy to assist with the math, and what supplies you would need, etc.  I'm currently tapering escitalopram by making my own liquid- it's actually quite easy. 

 

Let me know what you think, @lindy01.  Again, I'm not sure I would take the chance, but that's me!  Only you know how you are feeling, and whether or not you feel you can power through without at least trying something.  I'm here to help, no matter what you choose to do.  

 

Sending hugs... I so wish I could just make this all go away for you!

[lindy01]

Thanks so much luv. I'm so unwell but as you say I think it all about the stress im under. I really think I've developed inner akathasia which is hellish! My mood is so low too. I'm really not sure what to do as if it got worse with trying something im nit sure I could survive it! What would I say to the doc x

[lindy01]

Hi I went to speak to the doctor today. I told her everything and I actually think she believed me. She advised that for me meds are not the right choice as she's been with me all the way. So nit going to try micro dosing. In a little bit of a window today but even that frightens me as I know how quick it will change. I think I've read too many stories on this site about people being in it for so so long. But as you say I've no evidence that will be me. Just want to say thanks for all your support yesterday x

[Catwoman73]

Oh, I'm so, SO happy to hear your doctor was supportive.  That's a rare gift in this community!  I think your doctor is right, it's probably best not to add anything at the moment, but I wanted to put it out there, if you really felt compelled to try something.  I'm in awe of your strength Lindy, with everything going on, I think you are doing an amazing job of getting through it. 

 

Enjoy your window... celebrate it!  Quietly, without exerting too much energy lol... as we know that can kick you right back into a wave.  Never forget, windows are a sign of healing.  You are on your way- you will get well.  And just imagine how amazing it's going to feel when your windows get longer, and waves less intense!  It's going to feel like heaven- you'll feel like a whole new you.  Keep working on mindfulness.  Rest, listen to the birds singing and the wind in the trees.  Every minute that passes is another minute closer to being on the other side!!

 

Thinking of you, and sending you huge hugs!!!❤️

[lindy01]

Hi luv thankyou!! I know ill probably feel differently once I crash again but im keeping it all written down to remind myself! If I did try the meds I don't know why I would as the only time I ever felt relief was when I had stopped one ad to try another then it would kick in at 6 to8 weeks and I'd be back to ****! I think this is the reason I stopped ct! I find it bizarre though that they worked fir all those 14 years (or did they). Think menopause changed my brain tbh.

Yea my doctor had said whilst I was trialing the meds she felt they weren't for me. So I'm pleased she listened. I told her I'd done loads of research which she knows I do! So just about keeping my head above water till the next wave! I am a strong woman but christ this would drive anyone to lose their place in the world. Thanks so much for all your support i truly appreciate it no doubt ill be in touch soon! I hope you're doing ok x

[Catwoman73]

1 hour ago, lindy01 said:

 (or did they)

 

This is a question I've asked myself throughout this journey- did the meds ever actually do what they were supposed to do?  In my case, the answer is a resounding no.  The only thing that ever really helped me out of crippling depression and anxiety was rest, and time away from the things causing the anxiety and depression.  Mostly work- I never liked my career, and knew even when I was in school that it was not right for me (long story about why I continued anyway lol).  Once I rested and felt semi human again, I would just go back to doing the same things, the same job, and the cycle would start all over again.  What really would have helped me all those years was learning the non-drug coping mechanisms that I have finally figured out and come to rely on.  And learning to trust my intuition, trust that I know myself best, despite the expectations of others.  I've given my entire adulthood to psychiatric medications, and I'm very grateful to have figured all of this out, so I can spend the rest of my life really LIVING.  

 

1 hour ago, lindy01 said:

I am a strong woman but christ this would drive anyone to lose their place in the world. 

 

Lol- agreed!!!  You will find your way through though.  There's a new you waiting on the other side- one that trusts in her strength to survive anything.  One that has a deep appreciation for the small joys in life.  You'll get there!

 

1 hour ago, lindy01 said:

Thanks so much for all your support i truly appreciate it no doubt ill be in touch soon! I hope you're doing ok x

 

You are so very welcome... enjoy your window!

[lindy01]

🥰🥰🥰🥰 

[lindy01]

Hello luv well I've been in a wave since last time we spoke awful depression and anxiety and all the sides. Again I am thinking about micro dosing. I have read a few success stories about it on here. However I am so so scared but im not sure i can keep going like this. I have read your response from last time and I'm tempted to try. Although not sure if I've said this but the only time I ever felt some relief when on the meds was during the change over. Not sure if this shows that maybe the dose was to high and when new dose kicked in it all went belly up again. Oh im so confused. Any advice luv please? I hope you're continuing to do well. I know my system is completely intensely sensitised but all non drug methods not helping. I do think the ct valium is also playing a part 

[Catwoman73]

3 hours ago, lindy01 said:

Hello luv well I've been in a wave since last time we spoke awful depression and anxiety and all the sides. Again I am thinking about micro dosing. I have read a few success stories about it on here. However I am so so scared but im not sure i can keep going like this. I have read your response from last time and I'm tempted to try. Although not sure if I've said this but the only time I ever felt some relief when on the meds was during the change over. Not sure if this shows that maybe the dose was to high and when new dose kicked in it all went belly up again. Oh im so confused. Any advice luv please? I hope you're continuing to do well. I know my system is completely intensely sensitised but all non drug methods not helping. I do think the ct valium is also playing a part 

 

I wish I could tell you what to do!  You have to weigh the pros and cons, and decide what is best for you.  My best advice is that if you decide to give it a go, start with a nice low dose.  If you're really scared, go REALLY low, like 0.1mg.  You can stop right away if you react badly.  

 

I will remind you in making this decision that you ARE having windows and waves.  This is a good sign of healing, so you are on your way.  But I know the waves are just brutal, and no one can tell you how long you will have to endure such brutal waves.  That is up to your body- outside of eating healthy, getting adequate rest, etc, we have no control over the rate of healing. 

 

No matter what you decide, I'm here to listen, and help in any way I can.  I feel your suffering so deeply- I wish there was more I could do to help, but the best I've got is to offer tidbits of information, and unconditional support!  

 

Thinking of you... ❤️‍🩹

[lindy01]

Hi luv how would do it measuring the dose etc if I decide to give it a go and would it help stabilise me and what would I expect. As there's no point in doing it if its not going to change anything. I really can't go on feeling so depressed. I'm so so confused thanks for responding 

[Happy2Heal]

2 hours ago, lindy01 said:

As there's no point in doing it if its not going to change anything. I really can't go on feeling so depressed. I'm so so confused thanks for responding 

hi @lindy01

 

I'm going to respond to your message here, so that things all stay in one place.

You'd asked me about when I reinstated, but my case is very different from yours. I reinstated a tiny amount - 0.1 going up slowly to 0.3- but my most distressing symptom at the time was severe unrelenting insomnia (and anxiety/panic/dread)

 

it took a tiny bit of the edge off and made it possible for me to sleep for maybe 20 mins at a time, when I was not sleeping at all before that. I did not have depression as one of my symptoms, I had a lot of other distressing physical symptoms but no mood issues at all. 

 

 

There is no way to predict what will happen if you (or anyone else) re instates a small dose of the drug you went off of.  

 

that is one reason for taking the tiniest amount possible. It might help you, it may not.

If it does help at all it's hard to say how much or exactly which symptoms it may have an effect on. Don't expect a dramatic effect, that doesn't usually happen as far as I know.

 

there is a chance it could make some things worse.  For me, I had a tiny positive change until I got to 0.3mgs - But when I tried to go over 0.3mgs,  things got worse. 

 

I wish that we had a way to know in advance what will happen. 
It's a frustrating place to be in.

 

personally I would try some non drug coping mechanisms first.

have you tried getting out in the sun- or even just outside in the morning or any time before noon?

this is going to sound silly but it really does work- have you tried forcing yourself to smile?

also looking up - not at the sun, but just raising your head and looking up at a comfortable angle, don't sprain your neck or anything! 

this can have a measurable effect on your mood (there are studies that prove it)

 

taking a walk in nature, a nice chat with a friend, a funny movie or a comedy show, lively music you like and/or can dance to or sing along with, the scents of things you love,

all of these things can help lift your mood.

every little bit helps

 

 

Edited August 4 by Happy2Heal

[lindy01]

Thanks lovely! I'm just struggling with mood n every symptom of anxiety! Funny if my mood is ok I can deal with the anxiety but the depression and no feelings apart from fear of everything really hurts. Its so far away from who i am or was before this hell started!  yes I  do all they things! It feels like I have a motor running in the middle of my chest sleep is not great but not terrible ,(some nights it is). I have had a couple of very brief windows but never for more than half a day. I'm so frustrated and frightened that ill be like this for years and I've already fought so hard to get through the last 4 years. As I say I'm thinking about it. Did you feel half normal with the reinstatement or no. Thanks again 

[lindy01]

5 hours ago, Catwoman73 said:

 

I wish I could tell you what to do!  You have to weigh the pros and cons, and decide what is best for you.  My best advice is that if you decide to give it a go, start with a nice low dose.  If you're really scared, go REALLY low, like 0.1mg.  You can stop right away if you react badly.  

 

I will remind you in making this decision that you ARE having windows and waves.  This is a good sign of healing, so you are on your way.  But I know the waves are just brutal, and no one can tell you how long you will have to endure such brutal waves.  That is up to your body- outside of eating healthy, getting adequate rest, etc, we have no control over the rate of healing. 

 

No matter what you decide, I'm here to listen, and help in any way I can.  I feel your suffering so deeply- I wish there was more I could do to help, but the best I've got is to offer tidbits of information, and unconditional support!  

 

Thinking of you... ❤️‍🩹

 

[lindy01]

Hi catwoman if I do decide to try can you help me please with how to do it what I need to do ect please? How do I access such a low dose n how would I take it. i think  I would use escitalopram but I need serious guidance please. Many many thanks for all your support! 

[Catwoman73]

Of course!  I'm happy to help.  I would get a prescription for 5mg pills, and make your own liquid.  It's easier and more accurate than using the escitalopram drops that are available in the UK, in my opinion.  Supplies you would need include a small glass to mix up your dosage (I use a shot glass lol), a variety of sizes of syringes (I would get 1mL and 3mL- you can order them on amazon), some pure maple syrup, and water.  That's it.  It's super easy.  If you decide to do this, I'll walk you through exactly how to mix it up, and how much to take to start out.  

[lindy01]

I really think i might try. So if you can tell me what to do please and how to measure the specific amount etc. Ill speak with the doctor n hopefully she'll prescribe escitalopram.  If not I guess that's me stuck in this hell.  Can I ask you something please. Each time something nice happens with one of my family or i see an old friend unexpectedly my whole body is flooded with horrid  dread n fear. As you know im not experiencing any good feelings but is this reaction due to withdrawal. I'm so flaming confused. Also what could I expect from reinstatement if its successful will it make me feel half normal. Many thanks again i truly appreciate all your help x