Rachelina: in crisis and afraid I'll never get off Paxil

[ladybug]

I looked it up as DR is one of my biggest symptoms as well. I feel like the DR is always there to some degree, but in a window I am able to ignore it more. I was a heavy pot user for 15 years and I wonder if this has anything to do with it. Even when I stopped getting high, I never stopped having that perception that I did when I was high (and not in a good way!) Anyway, apparently you can only get the book through his website. Here ya go: http://www.dpmanual.com/the-depersonalization-manual/

 

I downloaded another DP/DR book during my last bad patch, but unfortunately I lost everything when my computer crashed. If I can get it again I will certainly upload and share it with you!

[Rachelina]

Thank you Ladybug. I will look into that.

 

I'm having such a hard time. I had the worst panic attack of my life this morning and am still in a very very bad state. I don't understand why this is happening. I was tapering so slowly, yet I seem to be worse off than people who CT. Something must be uniquely wrong with me. I feel like my life is over. It's been more than a month since I updosed, with no improvements - just the same ups and downs, but the downs are getting more and more awful. I'm so scared because always in the past it's taken no more than a month to feel a dosage change.

 

I keep comparing this crash to one I had in 2009, when I thought I was tapering slowly (10%) but it was too fast. Same deal as now. And it was this bad. But that took only around three weeks to feel better after I updosed. Possible reasons: the updose was much larger, 10 mg. I didn't have a child then and so didn't have the anguish of not being able to connect with him or the fear I won't be able to take care of him. In addition, I have three other major sources of stress that I didn't have then. Also it was June, and maybe all that extra daylight helped.

 

The longer this lasts, the more scared I get that it's not going to end. That 1 mg is just not going to help me. That my brain is somehow registering this as a CT and I will have years of this to get through, years of my son's life that I can never get back. And I'm not even off the drug, plus have Klonopin to deal with now. Maybe it's making me worse, maybe I should start to taper it? I am so scared. The only way I made it through those first weeks was by telling myself I'll be better by mid-Decrmber for sure. Now I don't know what to tell myself in order to get through each day.

[ladybug]

I'm so sorry that you're not seeing more improvement, Rach. Given that I see so many people struggling under 1mg I definitely do not think your body is registering it as a CT. I wish I had the answer for you. Whatever you decide to do I will support you. I would love to see you off this drug though. If you do decide to updose again maybe another 1mg? I'd hate to see you go higher than you have to. Your taper was so slow and sensible I don't understand why this is happening. Damn this drug.

[MollyN]

Oh honey, I'm so sorry to read this. Why is life so hard for some of us and such smooth sailing for others? I want so much for the extra stressors in your life to vanish - I know I ask you every time, is there anything we can do to support you? xxxxxmolly

[AmyK]

Sending a warm hug, Rachelina. I do believe you will stabilize. Give it some more time. Christmas time could add to the stress. It does for me. Everything should be so "cozy" and "happy".

Wd is so hard, but as Ladybug says, we would love to see you drug free. In time.

Try not to compare with other drops and crashes. None is the same. And the history of the earlier add to second fear. Anyhow you will stabilize, I really believe so. You are so close to the end!

I dont know about tapering klonopin. Could it be that it make the situation feel worse? Maybe someone else can chime in.

[Rachelina]

Thank you Ladybug, Molly and Amy. If I could just believe that I can stabilize at 1 mg, I could hold out for a while. And if I could be sure that going higher would help, I would do it in a second, but I keep hearing of people who kept updosing higher and higher and still couldn't stabilize. That's the last thing I need. Anyone know what's the longest it's taken someone to stabilize after an updose? I know Dreamspirit said it took 6 weeks for her. Maybe that's when I'll start seriously considering it. That's a little over a week away. Or maybe sooner if I don't get a break from the deep depression, panic, and intense DR really soon. It's been two truly awful days in a row. I know we talk about w/d baseline, but right now I just want to get back to my crash baseline! It's hard to believe that last week I had a 3 day window, and was able to take my son to the park and play with him and have a really good time. That seems like another lifetime now. I really really need another window soon.

 

Amy I think you are right about Christmas. I had such beautiful Christmases as a child and now I feel all this pressure to give my son a beautiful Christmas, and to be in the Christmas spirit, which obviously isn't happening right now. And I have so much sadness about that. Maybe once it's over and that pressure is released, that will help some.

 

I think what's happening with Klonopin is I'm developing tolerance to it, so it just doesn't help much with the Paxil withdrawal anymore, which it did at first. This is how people wind up taking crazy doses of it. I'm trying very hard not to increase it though.

 

Thank you all again for the support, it does help so much!

[Rachelina]

So I need advice on updosing. I am thinking I need to go up to 5 mg, and that I would increase by 1 mg per week rather than all at once. If course if I saw any improvement along the way I would stop there. Thoughts?

[ladybug]

Ok, I said I was going to support you whatever you chose but I'm also going to give you my own personal opinion anyway.

 

Why are you so convinced that you need to go all the way back up to 5mg? Correct me if I'm wrong but the last times you had to do big updoses (I think you said you did an updose to 10mg once, and then I remember you updosed to 5mg after the birth of your son) weren't you tapering at 10%? Seems like 10% could have been too much for you and that's understandable as I've seen that to be the case with others, including myself. But this time around you were doing a very slow and sensible taper of .1mg every 4-5 weeks according to your signature. Did you do that all the way from 5mg or were you doing .2mg drops at some point too? My point is that I don't think your taper was too fast and too much for your brain to handle. When people taper too much or too fast then, yes, they usually have to updose a larger amount because of it. Yes, you crashed but do you think there could have been something that triggered it rather than your taper? I recall you going through another crisis about a year ago or so and you were able to get through that and you said this year up until now was great!

 

I'm saying all this because I really don't believe you have to go all the way to 5mg and lose all the progress you've made. And if you did "need" to go back up to 5mg why would you do it so fast? 1mg a week doesn't give you enough time to even see if the updose is working. You said before that in past updoses it took you three weeks to see improvements. In that case, it seems a better plan would be to go up 1mg every three weeks. I know you are desperate for relief, and I can't imagine the amount of suffering you are going through right now. But maybe it is that desperation that is clouding your thinking. Anyway, that is my long winded personal opinion. Let me know what you think.

 

PS: The fact that you had a three day window last week seems like a very good sign to me that you may not have to updose as much as you think you do.

[brassmonkey]

You put that very well Ladybug, everything I wanted to say but in a nicer manner.

 

Rachelina-- It takes a lot of time for these adjustments to settle in.  Some people are lucky and it happens in a few weeks while others cans take several months for things to stabilize.  Each time you would updose by 1mg it restarts the stabilization clock, and if you do it every week the first dose doesn't get a chance to do its job before you make the next change.  I know it's hard but you have to allow enough time for things to happen.

[nz11]

Rach i am so gutted for you  that you are now heading back up like this.

 

I also concur with ladybugs views.

 

But I also  am of the opinion  that if things have got so bad its better to updose than to introduce a benzo. but thats just me.

 

I sometimes think we hit the panic button too easily when experiencing a 'crash' withdrawal onset instead of finding non-drug means to pass through it .

 

Of course i have no idea of your  suffering ...(but i may be able to relate to some degree i jumped off at 5mg after doing an 8 month clueless taper) ... only you know what you can take but even the slowest of tapers are not guaranteed a symptom free ride.

 

It appears to me your taper has been one of the best  efforts. esp if you have been going since 2007. Be great to be a bit more historical n the drug sig. 

 

So sorry you are in this difficult position. and so close to the finish line.

 

Edit :BM just bet me to post. i think this week its now 2 all !

 

....

[Rachelina]

Ladybug, you have a good point about waiting 3 weeks instead of one. And about not really needing to go all the way back to 5 mg. It's just that I am so desperate to get some relief. This crash has put a huge amount of strain on not just me but my whole family, to the point where it seems like our lives are all unraveling.

 

I do think that this crash is from tapering too fast and that I may need to go up a larger amount. It's true there's been a lot of stress in my life, and maybe that has been a contributing factor, but overall my life has improved so much this year. September was my best month in about ten years, which makes this breakdown especially painful. The crisis you refer to from last year was 100% situational. Or at least 95%; withdrawal may have contributed a bit. And thank you for the support you gave me on the other forum at that time! But this is nothing like that. That was an emotional storm; this is a collapse of my entire being.

 

Yes, 10% is too much for me, as I found when dropping from 5 mg to 4.5. On my next taper from 5 mg I did .2 mg drops and was absolutely fine until around 2.6 mg, when I started this thread. But honestly, whatever withdrawal I was having then was nothing at all compared to this. I don't even remember it. But at that point I slowed down to .1 mg drops, and was OK with that until around .6 mg. But maybe there was delayed withdrawal involved, because I'd been making bigger than 10% drops for a while before that. I first started feeling off in October but thought it was just a regular wave.

 

NZ11, you are a math whiz, maybe you can help me figure out my ideal tapering percentage and therefore what dose I should aim to reinstate at. I am guessing I should do no more than 5% drops. Dropping from 2 mg to 1.9 was a 5% drop but from there it got to be more. So that's another reason why 2 mg might be a good target.

 

Thank you so much for your thoughts and I welcome more.

[ladybug]

Ah, thank you for clarifying for me about the past crisis vs. now and also giving us some more info on how you tapered down from 5mg. That is definitely the tricky part about tapering under 1mg, it gets much harder to stick to the 10%. As you know, the other forum didn't really see need to taper below 1mg so we didn't have much info on how to do it. But reading around here it seems it's possible by diluting the liquid if that's how you take it or making your own liquid using tablets.

 

I definitely support your decision to try another 1mg updose. You say you were doing fine from 5mg down to 2.6mg so maybe 2-3mg will be enough. Don't even try to predict the future right now on how much it will take to stabilize. Just take it one step at a time.

 

I'm so sorry to hear of how this is affecting your family, which is obviously adding to the stress and pressure that is on you. People who have never gone through this will never understand and it can be so isolating. But know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE. We will be here for you every step of the way. I've sort of had a spiritual crisis this year so I can't say I've been praying much but I WILL be praying for you and sending you healing, positive vibes. You will get through this!

[ChessieCat]

Hi Rachelina

 

The easiest way to make a calculation is to multiply the current dose by 100% less the drop percentage.

 

Reducing by 10% multiply current dose by 0.90 (=90%). Reducing by 5% multiply the current dose by 0.95 (=95%).

 

Examples:     2 x 0.95 = 1.9     1.9 x 0.95 = 1.805     1.80 x 0.95 = 1.71     etc

 

Hope that makes sense and helps.

 

CC

[ladybug]

I know we're both big Elliott Smith fans, so wanted to post this here. The beginning where he says "Future butterfly..." always makes me think of when you once compared WD to the chrysalis stage of a butterfly's life. It's all darkness and retreat now, but we're all future butterflies. (Yes, even the guys.)

 

Fun fact: The version of the album I downloaded cut this song off so I'm just NOW learning there was a second part lol. The lyrics are even better though:

 

"Saw you at the perfect place
It's gonna happen soon but not today
So go to sleep, make the change
I'll meet you here tomorrow, Independence Day"

 

 

[nz11]

But maybe there was delayed withdrawal involved, because I'd been making bigger than 10% drops for a while before that. I first started feeling off in October but thought it was just a regular wave.

 

That could well be the answer.

You may have needed to hold for an extra month or so.

I think from memory songbird had a lot of trouble getting under the 3mg hurdle. ...and so did ' member 'ever' who appears to have disappeared off the radar.

I still think you have been doing an amazing taper so i wouldnt dismiss the 'stress' in you life. That may  be a triggering factor more than the taper..just a thought. Even when drug free my cns would completely implode from ridiculously minor things ...like someone asking me a pm question on prior place. I can cope with that now though.

 

Thanks for the kind words i think i feel some false humility coming on.  (Heres my secret i went to the library and got a high school book on sequences and series....sssh dont tell anyone).

 

maybe you can help me figure out my ideal tapering percentage and therefore what dose I should aim to reinstate at.

oh boy i wish ...if i could do that id be a millionaire for sure...You will need to decide this.

 

It's hard to believe that last week I had a 3 day window

As Ladybug says,  PS: The fact that you had a three day window last week seems like a very good sign. You have managed for a month can you survive another?...windows may lengthen.

 

Read Brassmonkeys and Ladybugs post about 10 times slowly.

 

been taking Klonopin in varying doses for a few weeks to deal with this crash. Now settling at .5 mg and hoping to taper as soon as I get stable.

 

I like this idea get stable, Then remove the klonopin from the property and the equation (probably tapered now)

Then go smaller with the taper and take longer holds  [ Alto notes,  According to our member Rhi, she controls her micro-taper by "paying close attention to my withdrawal symptoms and holding longer whenever they seem to be ramping up at all."]

 

I would fight to hold on 1mg and not updose further ...this is war Rach. you can win this ...but if you feel you cant survive anymore as LB says ...you may not have to updose as much as you think you do.

 

Good luck with your decision making. Not easy eh. Hope you stabilise soon.

[Rachelina]

Thank you thank you ladybug and NZ11. Love that ES song. "Future butterfly" is a great little phrase to keep in mind.

 

I just can't decide what to do, whether to stick it out at 1 mg or go to 2. I posted in the middle of a panic attack when I was thinking 5 mg. 2 seems much more reasonable. I'll see how the next few days go. And I'll try not to post in a panic attack again, sorry about that.

 

I know that 3-day window was good, but then this week I've had 3 or 4 days of being drastically worse, a crash within a crash. That's what had me so scared. I can deal with small, slow, intermittent improvements, but having it get worse than ever right when I expected to start seeing the light at the end of the tunnel was really really hard and sent me into a spiral of terror that this will never end. Yesterday I kind of surrendered to it, stopped trying to do things to help, stopped trying to force myself to be functional. And that helped I think, I had a better evening than I'd had in days and was actually able to cook a real meal.

 

Thanks again to all who have offered me support!

[ladybug]

That is great news, Rach!

[nz11]

Yesterday I kind of surrendered to it, stopped trying to do things to help, stopped trying to force myself to be functional. And that helped I think,

Way to go, i think this is key.

 

I had a better evening than I'd had in days and was actually able to cook a real meal.

 

Wow that is an achievement. 

 

but then this week I've had 3 or 4 days of being drastically worse, a crash within a crash.

 

I was like this and you think it will just never get better ....but if you accept this is the process of healing then it was always i found eventually followed by a better day again. This is the cycle.

This is the windows and the waves trajectory ...im sure you have read that link.

 

You are doing this. Hang in there.

Hey Rach have you thought of keeping a diary of how you are doing each day then you can look back on a bad day and remind yourself a  good day is just around the corner. 

[Songbird]

I still think you have been doing an amazing taper so i wouldnt dismiss the 'stress' in you life. That may  be a triggering factor more than the taper..just a thought. Even when drug free my cns would completely implode from ridiculously minor things ...like someone asking me a pm question on prior place. I can cope with that now though.

 

The fact that you had a three day window last week seems like a very good sign. You have managed for a month can you survive another?...windows may lengthen.

 

I would fight to hold on 1mg and not updose further ...

 

Hi Rachelina, there are many similarities in our tapers, and while I expected things to get easier at lower doses, so far that hasn't happened for me.  Reading your story has forewarned me to be even more careful at the very low doses.

 

I agree with nz11, don't discount the effect that any kind of stress or pressure can have on your system.  I've found that as my dose gets lower I don't handle stress as well - w/d leaves our nervous systems a lot less resilient than "normal".  When I decided to leave my IT job in 2011, one of the factors was that I felt certain I would never be able to get off Paxil if I stayed in that job.  Now I'm only working part-time in a much lower pressure job and I often find that quite difficult and wonder how I ever did my old job, as I'm sure there's no way I could do it now (not to mention the fatigue, memory issues, etc).

 

I am a little concerned about the role the klonopin could be playing in the process of trying to stabilise.  I'm not all that knowledgable about benzos, but I know they can produce rebound anxiety.  Maybe others can advise more about this.

 

Please try not to pressure yourself about being the kind of mother you think you should be.  In 2008 when I crashed, my kids were little (younger one had just started primary school) and I was in a bad way, but they can't remember it now, and they've turned out fine so far (younger one is about to start high school).  Be gentle with yourself.

 

I think if you are having some good days, it is a sign that your system is working very hard to stabilise.  I would say pick a dose and stick with it, so you don't confuse your system with a lot of dose changes.  When I crashed and updosed in 2008, it took several months for me to get stable again, and the first month was up and down all over the place, so maybe your system needs more time.

[Rachelina]

Thank you Songbird! It's really great to hear from you. I appreciate everything you said. I agree with your point about w/d making us less resilient to stress. I have so much stress in my life and am starting to see that this crash may not be 100% withdrawal, but a combination of w/d and stress.

 

I am worried about the Klonopin too but don't know what to do about it. It's not helping anymore and that's probably why I'm feeling worse than in the beginning of this crash, when it did take the edge off. I never should have taken it, obviously. It did get me through my first two w/d crashes (2008 and 2009) with no ill effects, and I was hoping it would do the same again. Not sure if I should start tapering it now, when I'm nowhere near stable. If someone can offer advice either here or in my other thread in the benzo forum, I would appreciate it.

 

Songbird, how long did it take you to stabilize after your crash? How long do you think is a reasonable time to wait for a dose to work? It's been 5 weeks on 1 mg, with no real improvements. I do have better days but even they are nowhere near normal, and I'm always right back in the worst of it before too long. Last night was actually my worst night of sleep by far. Lying awake in panic mode for 3 hours, sleeping for a few hours, waking in panic again and spending 3 more hours in that state until dawn. I'm so torn because I really want to stabilize on 1 mg but I can't go on like this much longer. But would 2 mg make much difference anyway? It's so hard to know what to do.

[Rachelina]

Songbird, I also want to add that I don't think you should be worried for your own taper based on what has happened to me. Our tapers have actually not been very similar. You have gone much, much slower and you have always slowed down when you felt you needed to. And you have done lots of long holds as well. I haven't done any long holds since tapering from 5 mg, except when I held for 8 weeks after switching to liquid, but even that's not very long. There is a lot of talk on this site about the value of long holds, and I'm a believer now. My problem is that I wanted so much to be off Paxil that I did not want to admit that I need to be tapering as slowly as you are. I forgot that I crashed in 2009 while doing a 10% taper, and I let my drops get up to 17%. And I dropped every month no matter how I felt. Looking back it's obvious I never should have tapered by more than 5%, and I should have held longer at times.

 

You can see that I have made a lot of mistakes that I know you won't make. So I just wanted to reassure you about that. It would be great to see an update from you soon, I would love to hear how your taper is going. I plan to model my taper on yours from now on. I remember telling you that in 2009, but this time I really mean it!

[chicken]

Rachelina,

How many years total have you been on paxil? I see from you sig that you have been trying to get off since 2007. Did you start Paxil in 2007 or before?

[Rachelina]

Rachelina,

How many years total have you been on paxil? I see from you sig that you have been trying to get off since 2007. Did you start Paxil in 2007 or before?

I was on Paxil for 2 years 2001 - 2003 but had relatively little trouble coming off fast. Started it again in early 2007, it didn't work as well so after 6 months I started tapering by 5 mg per month. Crashed hard and reinstated at 10 mg after 2 months off. Crashed again a year later (2009) while doing 10% taper and again updosed to 10 mg. Have been tapering more slowly since then, had plenty of rough patches but nothing remotely like this. It's much worse than the other two crashes and lasting longer. I don't get it. I guess I just need to updose a larger amount. Planning on going up to 2 mg tomorrow. This is unbearable.

[MollyN]

Great big gentle hugs Rachelina xxxxx 

[Rachelina]

Thank you Molly xx.

 

nz11 I have been reading some of your other posts and feeling quite shortchanged because you have not graced me with any Star Wars quotes. Would be especially cheered by something from the first movie since that's the one I have memorized....watched it every day as a kid when we first got a VCR.

[Bam]

Rachelina

 

So sorry to hear of all your suffering going through withdrawal is hard enough without outside stresses these magnify the symptoms to unbelievable levels.

 

Heres hoping you stabilize soon

[Fresh]

Hi Rachelina ,   I haven't any Star Wars quotes for you , just a thought.

Could you update us on your klonipin usage?   It's not an area I'm very familiar with , but you may be having interdose

withdrawal , or even rebound anxiety , which is exacerbating your symptoms.

 

Best wishes ,  Fresh

[Rachelina]

Fresh, I'm still taking .5 mg a day but today had to take an extra one for the first time. I have been trying to get advice on what to do about K, whether to start tapering now or wait until stable. No one has responded to my thread in the benzo forum. I already know it's bad to be taking it. What I need to know is what to do about it when I am already barely surviving.

[Fresh]

Don't be hard on yourself . . . it's not a matter of it being bad taking it , it's just that it's another variable in the

whole equation.

 

Perhaps splitting the usual dose will offer better relief?   

 

Is there a correlation between the time you take K. and your symptom pattern?

[Rachelina]

Don't be hard on yourself . . . it's not a matter of it being bad taking it , it's just that it's another variable in the

whole equation.

 

Perhaps splitting the usual dose will offer better relief?   

 

Is there a correlation between the time you take K. and your symptom pattern?

No real correlation. I take it around 8 am, and it's true early mornings are the worst, but that seems to be true for everyone. And really, any time of day can be the worst, it's different all the time. I haven't been able to split doses because I'm in such a terrible state in the am that I really need the whole .5 mg. But since I took an extra .5 mg last night and it's still in my system, I am going to try to split doses today. Took .25 mg at 8 am and I'll see how long I can go before taking the other half. Hoping I can get away with not taking an extra dose again.

[Rachelina]

Updosed to 2 mg today and praying for relief.

[nz11]

Hope you are able to get relief from that.

 

...oh you wanted a quote ...ahh ok

 

"Arrrrrgh" Chewbacca

Translation...Hope you are able to stabilize real soon and you dont have to updose any more we have all got our fingers crossed for you and a big hug from me the walking carpet!

 

nz11

Chewbacca-ese is a very word economical language.

[Songbird]

Songbird, how long did it take you to stabilize after your crash? How long do you think is a reasonable time to wait for a dose to work? It's been 5 weeks on 1 mg, with no real improvements. I do have better days but even they are nowhere near normal, and I'm always right back in the worst of it before too long.

 

It's hard to remember exactly, but I updosed in July and it was a rollercoaster through July and August, then by September significantly better, and a lot better in October.  I felt stable again and ready to begin another taper in December.  So it took a while, definitely more than 5 weeks.

 

Last night was actually my worst night of sleep by far. Lying awake in panic mode for 3 hours, sleeping for a few hours, waking in panic again and spending 3 more hours in that state until dawn. I'm so torn because I really want to stabilize on 1 mg but I can't go on like this much longer. But would 2 mg make much difference anyway? It's so hard to know what to do.

That reminds me so much of my crash, I had nights like that too, not fun.

 

I do remember that part of the trigger for my last crash was a lot of stress pouring on at work.  Are you doing anything to help reduce your stress?  Also anything that evokes the relaxation response can help a lot.  I found last time that doing relaxation exercises several times a day helped me enormously.  Over a couple of weeks my system would gradually calm down and I'd start to feel a lot better.  Then something would trigger a bit of a relapse and I'd have a bad night again, but consistently doing the exercises would gradually calm things down again. 

 

The other thing that helped me a lot was constant positive self-talk.  I just made up positive phrases and said them to myself over and over.  Even to the point of telling myself "the updose is working, I'm going to feel better really soon".  It might sound a bit silly, but I found it really helped.

 

I hope the updose to 2 mg works for you soon.  Give it time and work on looking after yourself as well.

[Rachelina]

Thank you so much, Songbird. It's reassuring to hear that it can take a few months to stabilize. In the past it only ever took me about a month to stabilize, so that's why I'm starting to get really scared. It's also interesting to hear that stress was part of the trigger for your crash. With my other crashes there was no undue stress in my life, so maybe that's why I was able to recover more quickly. Now my stress is absolutely off the charts: bitter fights between family members that threaten to tear our family apart, another family member having a breakdown too, financial stress from my husband's job ending soon and uncertainty about what comes next, increasing debt levels, general chaos and squalor much of which comes from my husband's older children who show no signs of ever moving on, trying to raise my child in the middle of this, and more. A lot more. And of course my breakdown and decreased functionality adds to the general level of stress. There's very little I can do about all this right now other than work on my own reactions and practice relaxation and acceptance. And hide in my room when I need to. I just worry that because of all this stress I won't be able to recover from this crash.

 

I also wonder about whether 2 mg is going to help or whether I need to increase to full dose. You crashed at 4.5 and eventually went up to 20 mg, roughly quadruple the dose you crashed at. I crashed at .5 mg and have gone up to 2 mg, also quadruple. Do you (or anyone else) think it's the percentage that matters here?? Or might I need to go much higher as you did?

 

Thank you for the tips about relaxation. I've been doing some but will try to do it more consistently and regularly.

[nz11]

Please be patient Rachelina.

 

Hoping Santa brings you...perdurable Patience,  Perseverance and (staying ) Power. 

 

nz11

He's making a list
And checking it twice
Think  i'm gonna need that pacemaker device

Santa Claus is coming to town.

[Songbird]

There's very little I can do about all this right now other than work on my own reactions and practice relaxation and acceptance. And hide in my room when I need to. I just worry that because of all this stress I won't be able to recover from this crash.

 

That's a really valid concern, actually.  It sounds like the stress is the major contributing factor to this, combined with a w/d-sensitive system, rather than just a case of tapering too quickly.  Are you sure there is nothing you can change about your situation?  Is there someone you can talk to rationally about the situation and brainstorm ways to improve things? 

 

Even if there's nothing you can do except hide in your room, I'd do that, as well as getting out for some walks, to basically avoid the conflict and drama as much as possible.  It's not just about your own reactions, it is about reducing your exposure to stressful stimuli, stuff that's triggering your nervous system's fight-or-flight response over and over, keeping it sensitised.  Remember that when your system is sensitised, it overreacts, so even just a loud noise can trigger a great big adrenaline burst.  You need to treat it as gently as possible.

 

I don't think you should go back to a full dose.  When I crashed at 4.5mg during my earlier taper, I had been tapering a lot faster and not for long, compared to this taper.  You've been tapering very slowly with small drops and your system has got used to much smaller doses for some time now.  I'd stick with the 2mg for a while.  I don't think this is all about finding the perfect dose, there are other factors to work on.