traumatized80: looking for encouragement

[UnfoldingSky]

Hi Chessie, I don't know if traumatized will respond here or not, and I know few of the details except she's struggling with akathisia, burning sensations and the adrenaline rushes so many of us get.  Not sure of what else.

 

Holding you in my prayers dear traumatized, and hoping your night is a calm peaceful one.

 

US

[ChessieCat]

Hi US,

 

I have asked the other mods to check in on this.  Not sure how we can help but we will do our best.

[UnfoldingSky]

Thank you so much Chessie, you guys are invaluable! 

[Altostrata]

UnfoldingSky, we need traumatized to post in this topic and describe symptom pattern, dosage, etc.

[rupa]

How are you traumatized80?

Please update your condition?

[TryingToHoldOn]

I am part of a FB support group and last month she posted her recovery story.  She states she’s 90%.  Her full agonizing tale can be found on benzobuddies under the same user name.  Hers is the most horrific story that I have ever read.  She also battled stage 2 Breast cancer during her WD.  It took her 3.5 years off of all meds to heal.  

 

Find hope in this story.

[India]

On 8/5/2018 at 5:46 AM, TryingToHoldOn said:

I am part of a FB support group and last month she posted her recovery story.  She states she’s 90%.  Her full agonizing tale can be found on benzobuddies under the same user name.  Hers is the most horrific story that I have ever read.  She also battled stage 2 Breast cancer during her WD.  It took her 3.5 years off of all meds to heal.  

 

Find hope in this story.

Is there a link? 

[PabloHoney825]

She's doing well  She changed her BB profile name to Brighterdays, which in itself should show the contrast between her old name of Traumatized80. I'm so relieved for her. This truly is a Success Story! 

 

http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=227772.0

[India]

@Gemma92

[Gem92]

6 hours ago, India said:

@Gemma92

Thank you for tagging me in this. I can't believe she had over 150 symptoms. It gives me hope!

[prairierose]

i just wish she could tell us all how she picked up and moved on. what therapy helped? how she forgave. 

[prairierose]

wow...i hope she is doing better now. i can. relate. so. much. 😔

[prairierose]

On 3/1/2014 at 4:06 PM, traumatized80 said:

 11-30-2013, 03:00 PM  #1

traumatized80

 

Join Date: Nov 2013

Location: PA

Posts: 13

Kindling or adverse reaction to SSRIS

Here is my long but very terrible story:

I would like to make you aware of a very serious and life threatening condition that I unfairly had to endure for close to 15 months. The condition is SSRI induced SEVERE Akathesia. It is my impression that you may not be familiar with this condition as it pertains to SSRI use or “kindling.” I come to this conclusion because I was reinstated on Lexapro (generic) in October of 2012 for situational depression and mild anxiety. 

Subsequently, i had this unspeakable and tourtuous reaction. It was then stated that this reaction was increased anxiety and depression and the medication was changed to Lexapro – name brand. One day turned into the next and was filled with 15-20 panic attacks each day and the inability to sleep, drive, listen to music or stand without my heart rate raising to well over 150. Believ ing that Pychicians have a oath to do no harm just as I do as a RN I continued to think that I had severe anxiety and no severe depression. I chose to go to another facility in hopes that they would be better able to help me with this . I explained that I was not sleeping, which was a huge change considering prior to the medication I loved to sleep! I explained that I would pace and pace and felt this inner turmoil and restlessness that I had never experienced in my life. This doctor prescribed Zoloft to me. I explained my concerns and was reassured that is was not the SSRI's because I had been able to take them in the last (5 years prior) and that Ativan would be added. It was explained to me that 75% of people had anxiety when starting SSRI's and that it would subside with the right one. 

With hesitation I took the medication. After the first dose I was unable to sit still, my onlymotion was a rocking motion over and over until my hips and calf muscles hurt. I then would burst in to tears. I stayed awake for four days. Began to be scared of shadows and movements of anyone in the house. I could no longer watch TV or suft the web. My heart beat out of control often at over 180 bpm when standing up. I was dizzy and had a burning over my body that I can only think the internal gates of Hell must feel like. I started be become disossiative and suicidal. I have a sense of impending doom I could never explain to you. I took the Ativan in hopes it was exactly what the ordering phycian had stated, “ anxiety.” I believed at this point I was completely insane. I begged for my husband to take me to an inpatient facility in which he did. I was admitted for 4 days, My cries were not heard once a gain and I was treated as if I just had a huge case of anxiety and panic with now what was diagnosed as a “major depressive episode.” 

I explained at this point that I thought it was the medication but, was quickly told that they were prescribing Paxil and Klonipin and if I did not take it I would be “ 302'd” Considering I was/am a RN and did not want that I decided to take the medication. My heart rate rapidly increased. To over 150 standing. I felt agitationed and scared for my life. I knew I had to get out of there. I was able to convince her to release me. I went straight to another facility thinking they would see this monster for what it was. I spent 7 days there. I did not sleep, I hardly ate, I was dissociative, I was now seeing numbers floating around and began to think I was schizophranic. I had no answers. The doctor there spent less than 5 minutes with me each day. He prescribed Neurotin to me on the 6th day. My hands and feet swelled up and when that happened he said he was sorry he couldnt help me and discharged me the next day. I was then medically hospitalized for my heart rate instability. One arrythmia after another with no clear explaination as to why. I would not sleep unless knocked out my IV Ativan. Once it started to wear off I was freaking out again, legs left like they were on fire and my whole body had to move.

My brain felt like it was melting and I was paranoid and scared of EVERYTHING. I was oriented the whole time. Which in a sense makes it that much more tragic. I was put on a small dose of a beta blocker. They could not give me a high dose because my BP would drop. I was discharged and told to see counseling. I did this. Two weeks later I had not slept, ate, or showered. At this point I was terrified to shower for fear that my heart would exploide. I layed on my parents couch and would fall asleep for 5 minutes at a time to be awoke but an adrenalin rush like no other. M y whole body hurt and I cried out al lday everyday. I wanted to die. I truly felt like I was in a state of fight of flight for months and noone could help me from my hell. I finally realized it was not going away on its one and went to yet ANOTHER facility with DIFFERENT doctors to seek help. Although the staff was empathetic they stated they had never seen such a thing. The doctor there insisted that it was a panic disorder and yet again prescribed me Lexapro and this time added 2 mg Xanax daily. The xanax seemed to help a little and I slept finally after months and months of pure hell. I spend 7 days there and was discharged unstable. Two weeks later I was back to the very same place in worse shape than ever. I had lost 65 pounds by this point. I had no energy to fight anymore. It was like I was on the worst acid trip of my life. My head was melting, I was buring all over like fire ants were attacking me. I will never forget the doctors exact words “ this is why you have to be careful with Xanax. People gain tolerance way to quick.” I gained a tolerance after 2 weeks???? I think not. He refused to change any medication and sent me home with the Lexapro (generic) and Xanax 3 mg a day. 

I realized as a nurse that this was not going to work. It was barely taking the edge off of the torment and as soon as it started to wear off I was pacing and crying hysterically. I weaned myself off of both of those medications approximately 2 months later. Unable to bare one more day. At this point I thought if the medication was out of my system that it would go away. WRONG!! I went through a protracted withdrawl so severe that I could hardly live life. Depression was SEVERE worse than I had ever felt in my life, I had allll the previous symptoms listed. However, the depersonalization and dissocitive issues got worse. I cried hysterically for hours. My heart was out of control. I could not even climb stairs. Desperate to find out what was happening to be I went to my “New” PCP in hopes that he would understand. WRONG AGAIN. He put me back on Paxil and ativan. I continued in this hell for 2 months. I wanted to truly end my life and told everyone who came in contact with me. I was forced to quit my job that I loved and didnt even know who I was anymore. I could not remember the smart, funny, intelligent person I was prior to ingesting the first pill. I thought to myself often “You are never coming out of this.” I admitted myself to another facility. I must say that I had never had acute issues as such prior to this year. I was never hospialized nor did I have anything more than a few days of depression here or there with what I would discribe as anxiety. This facility gained a more thorough evaluation and it was determinted that because of my previous history of PTSD contributed to being drugged at a night club that I was scared of the medication and it was not in fact a reaction to the meds. I went a long with the desperate for some relief and to live my life again. I was placed on liquid lexapro . I actually felt a slight bit better for the first few days. Then all hell broke loose. Same as above except this time I started to self harm. I began biting myself so hard I was bruising myself. I had night terrors so vivid when I woke up I did not know if I was in the dream or if I was awake. I paced and paced and called friends hysterically. I didnt eat, I didnt sleep. I was scared of my own house. I decided to go back to the same facility that prescribed me that medciation in hopes that the same doctor would see my deteriation and help. She seemed rather annoyed that I had someone drive me an hour to be admitted to that facility rather than go to one closer. 

I thought I was doing the right thing. After all in nursing we strive for continuem of care. She at this time told me that I was too severe to be in a short term treatment center and that she and I needed to look at more long term placement for myself. I was shocked but at this point agreed because I had lost my life, I had nothing to life for and the ( what I now know as Akathesia) physical symptoms were so severe I wanted to unzip my skin and run like hell. I was anxiety, paranoid, terrified, and over all not well. At this hospital I found out that I was pregnant. To my suprise since even sex was too over stimulating for me and my husband and I had hardly been able to engage in this for over 5 months. They say it only takes one time. I am a true testament of that. At this point I am not only terrified for my own life but for my unborn child as well. The doctor at this facility was just like the rest and did not want to listen to me about the physical symptoms. Night sweats were becoming severe. One of the nurses took pitty on me and took my orthostatic Bps. It was indicated that my heart rate was 75 sitting and 140 standing. HMMM Big jump dont you think? The doctor stated that this had been going on for quit some time and she found it hard to believe it was the drug inducing this. I tried to explain that this was no an issue prior to administration of any ssris. I as once again blown off and recommended for a 30-60 day treatment facility in Maryland. I went to this facility. While there I could not sit in a room of people. I had a hard to with physical sensations that I was told were “ parts” I was diagnosed with DID and PTSD. Although the psychiatrist was very nice. I do not think she wanted to look pasted the pTSD to see that this was not all “ body flash backs” I was indeed going through repeated exposure to Akathesia. 

I did not take medication while at this facility for over 30 days except for prenatal vitamins, an occassional zofran, ativan and they gave me a zyprexa one time. I began to slowly stabilize. Although it came in windows. I was so traumatized at this point that I believe it indeed had retriggered my PTSD. It was determied at this facility that I had Bipolar NOS with mixed states and rapid cycling. This is something I had NO signs of prior to this hell. Noone would look at the PHYSICAL symptoms and the end result causing more psychological symptoms. I was discharged and have been home for over a monthA few months ago I would not have been able to sit here and write this letter. It has now been recommended that I stay away from any psychotropic drugs t this point and I feel that this is appropriate. 


The reason for this letter is to make you aware of this condition and its effects of someones life. Listed below are the signs and symptoms of this condition. It took me going to a new therapist and new doctor to get a real diagnosis and regain my trust in myself and to not be worried that I was ggoing to have another episode because I was told I was bipolar. I must make you aware that I was NEVER suicidal in my life. During this time and as I still recover I could only pray for death as it had to be better than what I was going through. My brain felt like it had chemically melted into my neck and I was no longer in control of my cns.

 

PLEASE NOTE:  This Intro was posted twice.  I merged the two and hid the second post, so member responses may seem a bit out of order. ~Jemima

how did this brave woman come to accept that this had happened to her life? how traumatic this all is. i cant find her success story and im not on benzo buddies. i wish i could talk to her. there are many similarities. i wake up every single day and just wish i could be taken by God in that moment. a far cry from the happy holiday making mommy i used to be. its just so shocking. i wonder at what point did she stop wishing she wasnt here? man. 

-kate b

[manymoretodays]

On 10/19/2019 at 2:57 PM, PabloHoney825 said:

She's doing well  She changed her BB profile name to Brighterdays, which in itself should show the contrast between her old name of Traumatized80. I'm so relieved for her. This truly is a Success Story! 

 

http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=227772.0

 

4 hours ago, prairierose said:

how did this brave woman come to accept that this had happened to her life? how traumatic this all is. i cant find her success story and im not on benzo buddies. i wish i could talk to her. there are many similarities. i wake up every single day and just wish i could be taken by God in that moment. a far cry from the happy holiday making mommy i used to be. its just so shocking. i wonder at what point did she stop wishing she wasnt here? man. 

-kate b

 

Here's what I found from the last link given above:

Posted by Protracted healer, August 21st, 2019

I wanted to pop in quickly and say it took me 6 years to heal. I was on here under a different name for several years. Traumatized80. I was the most horrific case I had ever seen. I was poly drugged after 1 panick attack. I spent 14 months in and out of a psych ward, temporarily lost my nursing career, gave birth with over 150 sx and so much more. I can't honestly go into such detail because its caused severe PTSD.  I was in SEVERE acute withdrawal/brain damage for 3.5 years. I spent 90 percent of my days screaming I'm agony and clinging to anyone that would tell me I would survive. In my eyes I am a walking miracle right now.. anyone that knows my story will vouch for me.  After 4.5 years I was still very debilitated but was able to return to work 2 days a week. I spent the next 1.5 years slowwwwwwwly healing and never believing that some of the remaining acute like symptoms would go away.  This is why I wanted to come on and briefly say I am doing okay. I know some of you answered my messages every single day an old pretty much kept me alive in my darkest times.  I believe there is a list of my symptoms posted under my old name.  I hope this gives some of you some comfort.  I also believe that we must look at other causes. I believe the drugs were just the last nail in the coffin for me.  I had toxic breast implants, metal filling ect.  Once I had the implants removed and the mental out of my mouth I began to heal rapidly.  However, I do not want anyone to read this and assume all of my issues were from them.. I had the implants and fillings fir more than 15 years and my symptoms did NOT occur until the doctors poisoned me.  However, I believe the over load on my system having had these things plus the drugs caused a cascade if events.  I wish you all the best.  If I can recover.. anyone can recover... I remained off ALL drugs and let my brain and nervous system repair itself. The body and brain have an anate ability to heal theirselves. I'm proof

 

We try to get members to focus on the positive here and maintain hope.  It becomes an art form. It is an Art Form!  Everyone's story is a bit different, with different quirks and paths.

No one should assume that they are the sole worst case ever and will never heal.

 

Love, Peace, in Healing and Hope,  and Growth,

moderator manymoretodays

[prairierose]

On 8/4/2018 at 11:46 PM, TryingToHoldOn said:

I am part of a FB support group and last month she posted her recovery story.  She states she’s 90%.  Her full agonizing tale can be found on benzobuddies under the same user name.  Hers is the most horrific story that I have ever read.  She also battled stage 2 Breast cancer during her WD.  It took her 3.5 years off of all meds to heal.  

 

Find hope in this story.

took her 6 yrs not 3.5 six yrs. glad she had such great support from online and family. mine was shite. family and friends wanted me to think happy thoughts and throw baby showers while in her shoes. then they let me get tortured even though i desperately begged for help. now they want me to just get over it. so angry 

[Daisygirlsk]

I read her original story and thought there was her and one other person that was the worst I had ever read about.  Absolutely amazing that she healed!  Wow.

[prairierose]

who was the other one

[Daisygirlsk]

1 hour ago, prairierose said:

who was the other one

She was in a citalopram facebook group

[Daisygirlsk]

Yes her story is really severe

 

Edited November 8, 2020 by ChessieCat
removed quote

[Shellbell]

Just wanted to say this women did a podcast with Geraldine Burns. Was posted today if anyone wants to hear it

[Lauren90]

On 6/20/2022 at 2:27 PM, Shellbell said:

Just wanted to say this women did a podcast with Geraldine Burns. Was posted today if anyone wants to hear it

What’s the episode?

[Shellbell]

@Lauren90

 

episode 40. A nurse

i don’t know how to put the link here

 

 

[Lauren90]

On 7/1/2022 at 7:30 PM, Shellbell said:

@Lauren90

 

episode 40. A nurse

i don’t know how to put the link here

 

 

I listened to it this evening, very promising! 

[Altostrata]

The podcast about traumatized80's recovery is here 

 

[Thorin]

My god what a courageous woman. That gave me so much hope. I hope I have a fraction of the strength she had.

[Thorin]

On 8/28/2022 at 4:49 AM, Altostrata said:

The podcast about traumatized80's recovery is here 

 

@j1290 this might be good to listen to at the moment mate.